Weepy Wednesday Night...

Not feeling the excitment or anticipation for the coming year. Guess I have the post-Christmas blues. I dunno. Thinking about the future has always scared me. Maybe because I'm afraid of failing, yet again. Or setting unrealistic goals so I never reach them. I guess that's it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many different things. Some time ago, I wrote a post about how I don't always like being the "cheerleader" or "Pollyanna" of the bunch. How I want someone else to take over that role and be my Pollyanna. Well, it's kind of like I'm feeling tonight. There is so much crap going on in my life, my family's life. I wish I could just blink it all away and make everyone happy and not suffer. But I can't do that. And actually, at this moment I can't even make myself happy. How am I suppose to do it for anyone else? I'm typing through the flood of tears that are falling down my face. But I can't stop. You see, thinking about the future, forces me to look at the past. And while I've made incredible improvement this year and survived with my sanity intact, I can't shake the person that I USED to be from the person that I WANT to be. Does that even make sense? It's like I'm sabotaging my own success, my own life. Ugh! This wasn't supposed to be a "boo-hoo" post. Sigh, once again, I will rely on my faith, my friends, my family and my drive to be a better version of myself. That's all I can do.

And for now, that's as good as it gets.

Food for Thought

There is something to be said about loving what you do for a living. Case in point, there is a small deli in the basement of our building where I work. On occasion, I frequent said deli. There is a woman who works there, she prepares the sandwiches or hot plate that you order. What I love about this woman is that she is very precise and meticulate about how she prepares the food. It's almost an art form! I watch her as she cuts just so and pours just enough of whatever topping we have requested. She doesn't just go through the motions. She takes her time but is quick about it, she will even break out in song at times, and she takes pride in what she does. You're going to think I'm crazy (eh, ok I left myself wide open for that!) but the food tastes much better when she makes it. One day I went down there and she was nowhere to be found. Instead, someone else helped me. She was very cold and she just slapped the meat on the plate, no idle chatter either. Didn't even wish me a good day or a smile for god sake! And when I tasted what she had prepared for me, it did not taste as good as Tracy's food. Really! Later that same week, I went back to the deli and this time Tracy was there. I told her about that day and how the food didn't taste the same and she said it was because "so and so" didn't prepare it with any TLC. "You gotta give the food a little tender lovin' care, puddin!" Hmm, she was right of course! That prompted me to remember a time when I was little (no short jokes please!). My mom would make dinner for us all the time right? Well one day, the lady that cleaned our house had to make dinner because my mom was running late. We ate the food but it tasted bland and just, cold. And not in the sense that it needed to be heated some more either! I remember telling my mom about it and she smiled and said it was because she didn't make it with "amor" which means love. And she was right. When we are doing something we love, or doing something for someone we love, we are extra carful with our creation. This can also apply to our career, or love life, or even our hopes and dreams. Sprinkle them with a dash of care and a smidgen of love and the result will be finger licking good!

I hope all of you encounter someone like Tracy in your life. And not just in a deli either.

Red Thongs and Other NYE Traditions!

So in my previous post I wrote about my Sunday Fun Day at my friend's house. Well, what I forgot to mention was that all the girs received parting gifts! Woohoo! More presents! K emerged from her bedroom and handed out the most cutest leopard print bags to us.

"This is for Friday because I want all of you to have lots of love in the coming year!"

We giggled and started looking in the bag. One by one we each pulled out these red laced thongs. The fact that the leopard print bags had "Fredericks of Hollywood" printed on them should have been a warning to us! But again, we were a bit intoxicated to notice! The girls laughed, some of the guys blushed, some looked away and some wanted a modeling session! Ha! Yeah right!

"Let us tell you if they look good or not!" that remark came from I. (male obviously)

To which I replied, "No, that way on Friday night, when you see us, you can think about what we're wearing underneath!"

I thought it was funny! The guys said we were just cruel. Wah, freaking wah!

Ok so if you are not aware, wearing red panties on NYE is a tradition of sorts. It is said that by doing so, you will have good luck with love. I have no earthly idea where that tradition or folkore or fairy tale came from, but for the past umpteenth years, yours truly has been wearing red panties on NYE. They don't necessarily need to be thongs either. Just red. Now, given my track record thus far, I would venture to say that this is all a bunch of baloney but that's just ME!

Driving home I thought about other traditions for NYE. I know about the twelve grapes at midnight, and the black-eyed peas, what are some others?

Come on, I'm wide awake, entertain me!

Sunday Fun Day

A friend of mine had Sunday-Funday at her place today. She just called it that. It's just a small group of friends, male and female, getting together for board games or movies, food and adult beverages of course! This little soiree took place in the early afternoon. We played Jenga. Basically, it's a bunch of log looking things and you set it up, kind of like a pyramid. The object of the game is to remove all of the "logs" without causing the "pyramid" to fall apart. Simple isn't it? Yeah, you would think! Once you removed the log, you turned it over and read what was written on it. For example, one of the logs I removed said, "Kiss the person to the right of you" or another said, "Turn in circles really fast, 10 times" or "Recite the alphabet backwards in a different language other than English" Normally, some of these things would be no problem, but K made Mimosas and they were potent! I think she forgot the OJ and just poured the champagne! And we were drinking long before we started playing games! So we were all a bit buzzed when Jenga came a calling! But wait! There's more! Not only was the "loser" subjected to holding the title of "Pyramid destroyer", they also had to take a shot! lol Since it was Sunday, and most of us have to work tomorrow, no one wanted to do tequilla so we improvised and had vodka and wine. (because that was better than tequilla. yeah. that's our story) No not together! The loser could choose which poison they wanted. I had to sing for 2 minutes straight! I picked some random song in my head and kept messing up the lyrics! Surprise, surprise!

Anyway, I really enjoy these little get togethers with friends.

"Got sleep?"

My good ol' frienemy "Insomnia" decided to pay me a visit tonight. Tonight, when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and fall into a slumber. Tonight, when I had already told myself I was going to go to sleep at a decent hour. I've got an early day tomorrow. Yeah well, so much for planning ahead and all that. Laying in bed for almost two hours now, just tossing and turning and thinking, always thinking, I gave up on the sleep thing and came here, to catch up on some blogs I had not read. But I'm finished with that.

So now what?

Ugh! This is insane! I'm so tired. Insomnia had been rather distant lately, and I thought it was actually gone for good. But I guess I was wrong! Hmm, maybe it's the whole, "Monday" angst or the thought of all the work that I have waiting for me when I get into the office.

Whatever. I just want to go to sleep!

Merry Christmas!

With all the hustle and bustle and last minute rush that goes along with Christmas Eve, I wanted to take a minute to thank each and every one of you my fellow bloggers. For taking the time to visit my blog, to comment or to laugh at it! I appreciate all! I started blogging again after years of silence. It started as a way to distract myself from the worries of being unemployed. But it soon took a life of it's own and basically, saved my sanity. I've been through a lot these last six months and had it not been for this form of "therapy" as I like to call it, I would be in a very dark place right now. So, I thank you and I hope to give back even a morsel of what you all continue to give me.

Here's hoping Santa brings you all that you wished for!

Christmas Eve-Eve

I woke up today in a panic. Not because I had another nightmare, but because when I opened my eyes and looked out the window, the sun was shinning. "Shit!" I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth! All I kept thinking was, "I'm late! Fuck! I'm late!" Just then, mouth full of toothpaste, it dawned on me that I was off today. No need to go to the office. Bleh! I hate when that happens! So I finished brushing, and relieved, stumbled back to my comfy bed. It was there, in bed, that I went over my To Do List for today.

1. Brave the crowds and hit the malls in search of one more gift
2. Quick trip to the liquor store(hey, something's gotta get me through this madness!)
4. Wrap all the goodies I bought
5. Bake treats for our family get together tomorrow night

Sigh, so much to do! Just thinking about all of that made me tired. Hopefully this evening I'll be able to meet up with a friend who flew in from Vegas to be with his family for Christmas. I haven't seen him in years so I'm looking forward to that! I think we may go dancing!

Santa's coming peeps! Now go get ready, I am! :)

A Time of Wonder!

I went to yet another Christmas party this evening. (the last one of the season -as far as work goes!)Very low-key and tame, compared to the ones from last week and this past weekend! So anyway, driving home I remembered that I had not done my Christmas ritual yet. Which is, every December, when the city dresses up for the holidays, I often take long drives around decorated neighborhoods and admire the pretty lights, the nativity scenes, the cheesy Santas and reindeer on the lawns. I never know which area of town I'm going to pass by, I just drive and eventually end up just where I'm supposed to be. Tonight, I was near downtown so I drove in that direction and ooohed and awed at the beautiful trees lit up in so many vibrant colors, and watched as the theatre crowd walked hurriedly in an effort to get to their respective performances. There were also people strolling casually up and down the sidewalks, taking in all the Christmas spirit. Some took pictures, some posed for pictures. Music resonated from a saxophone as a starving musician played for the crowds. Street vendors were in full force, working hard to entice customers to buy their goodies. I found a parking space not too far from the saxophone man and just sat in my car and admired the enormous Christmas tree perched in front of City Hall. Time escaped me when I took these drives. It calmed me and recharged me, and I enjoyed that moment. Sometimes, we're so worried about all the material things that the simple things, escape us. And we miss out. I'm glad I didn't miss out.

Thanks for coming on this drive with me.

The Weather, Santa and Me

Lets talk weather. Oh I know, I know, you're all holding your breath and giddy with excitement about my topic of choice to blog about aren't you??? Oh cut me some slack! My brain seems to have turned to mush all of a sudden and I keep fumbling for words -so this is as good as it gets tonight! Here it is, December 22nd, almost Christmas, and I'm sitting in a tank top and shorts, the ceiling fan is going and the air conditioner is on! Freaking schizo weather!!! It's cold, it's hot, it's cold, it's hot
-just make up your mind already! Sheesh! I do sympathize with the part of the country that is being hit hard by unrelentless rain and/or snow! That's no fun! But while I sympathize, I'm very upset about this ridiculous hot weather! It's almost Christmas! I want sweater weather dammit! I want to wear my new coat! My hot red boots! I just can't get in the Christmas-y spirit or get in the mood to shop or to wrap gifts if I'm breaking a sweat! Bah humbug! By the way, who says that??? And just what is a Humbug anyway? So all this thinking and bitching about the inclimate weather made me think! (I do that occasionally believe it or not!)I thought I'd send the Big Man in the North Pole a warning. It goes something like this:

Dear Santa,

Fyi -dress casual when you come to Houston. And you might want to rethink that whole red suit and boots ensemble and maybe even shave your beard! Hey, I'm just trying to help you out so you won't melt from the muggy and humidity. And yes, I know you won't really melt, that only happens to Frosty, I was just speaking figuratively of course!

Signed,

A concerned believer

This post was brought to you courtesy of Writers block -hindering creativity for centuries upon centuries.

Thanks to those who read to the end, thanks for dropping by and don't forget to be good to the waitstaff on your way out.

Good night!

Love Not Mine

Part fiction, part true. A good mix of events that transpired. Trying to make it into a short story. What do you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My doorbell rang a little after 10:00 p.m. It was Wednesday night, December 23rd. Christmas-Eve-Eve. Who the heck was at my door and why? I peered through the peep hole but I couldn't see anything, or I couldn't make anything out. I made a mental note to speak to my landlord about this sometime in the future.

"Who is it?" I asked through the door.

"It's me baby."

My heart skipped about a million times over and immediately my entire being smiled with happiness. I hurriedly unlocked the door and flung it open. And there he was. My love. He smiled at me, with that sheepish grin that I found so sexy, opened his arms and I let myself fall into them.

We stood there at my doorway embracing each other, holding each other. There was no need for words. I let him in, and quickly, he spun me around, pinning me to the door, staring at me, teasing me with his mouth,until finally, he kissed me. Hungrily, anxiously and without abandon. We made our way to my bedroom. And it was there that time stopped. The only thing that mattered was that moment and nothing else. We made love over and over into the wee hours of the early morning. Finally, just before my alarm clock went off, we drifted off to sleep in each others arms. Sometime later that morning, I woke up. He was still sleeping. I stared at this man. This man I loved. And I felt so happy, yet, so very sad. He woke up at that moment and smiled at me. I kissed him.

"Good morning" he whispered.

"Good morning." I answered, smiling back at him.

"I have to go." he said as he got up and started getting dressed.

"I know." I responded. I sat up and watched him get dressed. I knew the routine. He'd get dressed, I'd walk him to the door, kiss him goodbye and as soon as he was gone, I'd burst into tears. Vowing to myself that I would not let it happen again.

Until the next time.

"My Friends Like to Party All The Time, Party All The Time..."

Not sure that's the right title. Eh, close enough! Remember that song by Eddie Murphy? hahaha Yeah that's me. I've been partying like a rockstar since Thanksgiving eve! Just got home, 2:00 am and I'm one tired, sleepy and slightly intoxicated muchacha. But just HAD to get on and tell you guys that tomorrow or, in a few hours rather, I will be GUEST blogging on my good friend Cinderita's blog The Adventures of Cinderita If you haven't already done so, you should definitely check her blog out! It's inspirational and motivational and very funny! I hope my post does her blog justice.

I'm trying very hard to type without making any mistakes. But my eyes are getting heavier and heavier and I'm seeing two keyboards. NO bueno! Work is going to suck tomorrow -I mean in a few hours!

Best party ever! So much fun! Now time for sleep.

Good night.

Hairgasmic!

I went to get my hair cut this evening. Nothing drastic, just needed it thinned out a bit. I have MASSIVE hair! MASSIVE! Anyway, so I didn't set out to get it cut initially. It went down like this, after work I braved the mass crowds of Christmas shoppers and ventured to the mall. I needed a "sexy" kind of outfit for tomorrow's Christmas party. After wrestling with the crowds and the over the top anxious sales people, I gave up and defeatedly, walked through the mall towards the garage for the long drive home -empty-handed. I guess I'll just magically pull something HOT out of my closet. That was my plan of action. So as I neared the garage, I passed by a hair salon that one of my friends had always raved about. I had never tried it before. I'm very loyal to my hairstylist. But eh, what the heck? I didn't find anything to wear, may as well get a hair cut! Right? Right!

So in I went. And oh my gawd! The shampoo girl gave me the BEST.SCALP.MASSAGE.EVER!!! Seriously. I don't smoke, (well only in bed, but I digress) but I swear, I had the urge to smoke a cigarette after that massage! After regaining my compusure -I'm sure I had this glazed look on my face! The shampoo/master scalp massager, led me to my hairstylist. His name was Ty. This is where I started getting a little scared. I mean, what was I thinking? I NEVER cheat on my stylist! What if this guy doesn't know what he's doing??? As Ty led me to his chair, I said a little prayer and braced myself for what was to come. Well, what was to come was the most awesome experience! (Not in the same way as my AWESOME scalp massage, a different kind of Awesome!) He wasn't just a "hair stylist" he was freaking Edward Scissorhands! I didn't get a lot of hair cut off, like I said, I just needed it thinned out. But the style he gave me tonight was so pretty! If I had a picture I would post it! Just take my word for it ok? Great, thanks! :)

"What do you think?" Ty asked me when he was finished.
I smiled from ear to ear and told him it was fabulous. And it was!

Now if only the party was tonight instead of tomorrow night! Driving home I was still in "Hair/Massage heaven" when a feeling of angst came over me, "Crap! What am I going to wear to the party???"

Stay tuned.

Tic Toc Tic Toc!

I copied this from two bloggers who tried this excercise on their blog. I thought it would be fun to try it out as well!

Five minutes to write out everything we would want to remember about 2010 if we were just about to lose all of your memory. Exciting! So my running watch is set. On your mark, get set... Go!


Realizing that I am stronger than I thought I was.
Long talks with my mom.
Hugs and kisses from my nieces and nephews.
One hot summer night in June that I will cherish always.
Special texts and phone calls.
NOLA trip in January with two crazy sisters!
Learning to forgive myself.
Finding my way back to this Blog.
The "last" kiss
Thanksgiving-eve with the Musketeers
Allowing love to come into my life.
Attending the Andrea Bocelli concert with my mom.
My birthday weekend.
All the Astros games I attended with the Musketeers.
How happy my family and friends make me.

Annnd TIME!

Okay, so I think I did alright. I've certainly had a year filled with a journey of self-discovery that's for sure! I've grown a lot this past year. I didn't let the monster, Depression, keep me down. It may have beat me up a little,(ok, a lot!) but I fought back and showed it who was boss! I'm excited for 2011 and all that it has in store for me!

What about you bloggers?

Here's To You Mrs. Robinson!

It's not so much that I mind getting hit on by younger men or "attracting" younger men. My gripe is with their mentality or lack thereof. I know, I know, "mentality"!! lol I'm just so tired of the games and the bullshit! Truly. Finished. Fed up.

Case in point: Lately, I have been dating nothing but younger men! Not intentionally, not because I prefer it, but merely by coincidence or bad Karma -pick one! lol So upon making contact with me whether it be in person or via internet or phone, they automatically ask one or all of these three questions (in no particular order) 1. Are you wet? 2. When is the last time you had sex? (I guess they are snooping trying to find out how desperate I am) and 3. What's your favorite sexual position? -Just the other night, after a great time out with friends, I drove home and while driving, this guy I have been talking to for a couple of weeks calls me. Nothing unusual about that since we've been chatting quite frequently. We just haven't met yet and now never will. So sure enough, five minutes into the conversation he springs the three aforementioned questions at me. Not missing a beat! He proceeds to ask me over to his place to "watch a movie"....uh after declining his oh most inviting invitation I hang up and begin hyperventilating. -Ok, not really. But I'm dramatic like that.
What a disappointment! This guy was 10 years younger than me but seemingly mature. -Ha, joke's on me! I guess what makes me so mad is the fact that I am not looking for a one night stand or a "quick fix" (somebody actually told me that) or am not desperate enough to screw the first guy that comes into my life just for the sake of screwing!!! (I may have to re-think this though because it's been a LONG.TIME. and well, times are rough!) And when I decline their "oh so" inviting invitation, THEY are indignant! I am the tease!! I am the prude, I am the one with the problem!

And they always, always bring up my age. The guy from last night told me "I thought women your age were nymphos because your sex drive is always running"...WTF? Seriously?? Ugh!!! I'm not saying only younger men do this. Because come on ALL men do it. It's just that with me, it seems to be the norm these days that younger men seek me out.

I clearly tell them what I want, what I'm looking for and what I won't put up with. And yet, they keep seeking me out!!! Oh and they all say the same thing, "I'm not looking for "just sex" or my personal favorite "I don't play games..." Riiiiight!

I do love that I attract younger men though! It does wonders for the ego(ever aging that it is!) and I like the fact that when meeting me for the first time they thnk I'm younger than what I actually am. But that’s usually as far as it goes because their "instrument" between their legs takes on a mind of its own and well, we all know what happens then! My friends call me "Mrs. Robinson" in jest. Though I think some of them are secretly jealous! *she writes laughing hysterically!*

Ah well, what are you going to do? As irritating, obnoxious, exasperating as they are, they are or can also be the most wonderful, exhilarating, sexiest creatures in the world. So for every loser that I have encountered, there’s a winner waiting in the wings for me. I just know it!

Rebel Monday

I've been at the office approximately five hours now. It's a little after the noon hour and I'm about to go postal on my boss. The back of my neck is all tensed up and I have a serious headache! Ahhh, nothing like good ol'stress and an over-bearing, insensitive, prima-donna boss to get me going on a Monday morning! I finally had to walk away from my desk and decided to take a walk outside. It's unusually freezing in Houston right now (such a tease, it will be back to mid 70s by tomorrow morning!)so the brisk, cold air will do me good. I walked down the block and around the building before finally returning into the building to defrost! As I stepped into to the elevator, I let out a deep sigh. The walk was just what I needed to regroup and rid myself of the negativity and the chaos of the morning. While taking my walk, I asked myself the following questions:

Will the work still be there when I get back? Yes
Will my boss ever be happy and satisfied? No
Will I let him ruin my mood and take away my happy place? Hell to the no!

Uh,uh, I'm reclaiming my day and my good mood. I will do my best to get the job done -as I always do, but I absolutely refuse to let him or the pests aka clients, suck the "cheerful" out of me. It's Christmas time dammit!

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Reflection

I spent part of my Sunday with two of my favorite people in the whole world! Michelle and Maricela. We met for a celebratory lunch in honor of Maricela who just graduated from nursing school. And so, we lunched at an Italian restaurant that was "lick your plate" delicious! As we sat at the table laughing about the shennanigans from the previous night, I marveled at how much I love these girls and how much their friendship means to me. We've come a long way from when we first met. And we've had our bumpy roads but we managed to ride through those bumps along the way. We don't always agree with each other and at times, we've disappointed one another, but we forgive and move on and we have each other's back. Between laughter and eating and more laughter, I thanked God for bringing them into my life.

Christmas Parties Tour 2010

With the Christmas season comes a slew of parties and happy hours and parties and more happy hours! So, after recuperating all day today from last night's seasonal festivities, I'm getting ready to start dolling up for tonight's party and more flirting and more mistletoe and more...! All this celebrating is tons of fun but can get tiring really fast! Or maybe, I'm just showing my age? Hmm, nah, it's nothing a quick disco nap and some Advil won't cure! And so, I'm off to take a shower. Now the big question of the night is "What am I going to wear???" Ugh!!! Decisions, decisions!

I hope all you are enjoying this holiday season as much as I am! A more substantive post will be forthcoming kids, don't worry.

Cheers!

BRAVA!

Last night I took my mom to the much anticipated concert of Andrea Bocelli. It was an early Christmas present to her from me. The concert was held at the Toyota Center in downtown Houston. It was a magical night and one I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life! I'm not just talking about the concert itself, although it was outstanding! (I'll get to that later) No, what I'm referring to being so amazing is that for a few hours at least, my mom forgot all of her troubles, and her pain, and she relaxed. We laughed, and enjoyed ourselves. We took our time, there was no need to rush. We had fun! We even had post-concert libations at a nearby lounge! lol

The concert itself was so good I can't even put it into words. Really. Bocelli (or "Celli" as some of the thousands of fans yelled out to him)was accompanied by the Houston Symphony. WOW. If anyone has ever seen him perform before, then you have to know what I mean when I say, that he took you from joy to pain to tears all in a fraction of minutes. During the concert I would look over at my mom and she was far away, entranced with the music and his voice and the atmosphere. That look on her face, made my heart smile.

Moody Much?

Accomplished. I thought a lot about that word today and what it means. The dictionary (yes, I still use that book with a lot of words and defitions in it and yes, I know I can just as easily look it up online. Color me pre-historic!)says that Accomplished means a. proficient as the result of practice or training ; also : skillfully done or produced b : having many social accomplishments
2: established beyond doubt or dispute . Hmmm, "established beyond doubt or dispute" that struck a chord with me. Before I go on, I must tell you that the whole reason I even started thinking about this was because my friend Maricela took her last final in nursing school today. She graduates next week! And I am so very proud of her! She's one of the musketeers in my life. (for those not in the "know" please see my post Dolce Vita!) And last week the other musketeer, Michelle, closed on her first home. Both very special moments in thier lives. And, very accomplished. And then there's me. Now, I don't really want this to turn into a "woe is me" post. And forgive me if it comes across as such. It's just I feel inept and inadequate and very not accomplished with myself. I don't want to say I feel like a failure, but sometimes, yeah, I kind of do. I am very blessed to have the love and support of my family and friends. I realize that. Sigh, but I have not done half of what I want to do with my life. And sure, circumstances and bad decisions and fear of ha,ha, failure, has kept me from going as far as I know I can go. In a sense, I've been sabotaging my own chance of success, in my finances, in love, in my career. So when my friends share their good news with me, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not accomplished. -At least, not in my eyes. I sound like Debbie Downer, I know, I know! I've asked before, but I will do it again, humor me. Why is that we are our own worst critic? Why are we hardest on ourselves? I'm my own punching bag tonight.

Ok, enough! MUST.SHAKE.THE.FUNK.AWAY!!!

Surprise!

I surprised my mom with Andrea Bocelli tickets yesterday. I found out he was coming to Houston a few months ago and thought that it would be a great Christmas gift for her. She absolutley LOVES his music! So for almost a month I've been hiding these tickets and resisting the urge to show them to her. Do you how very hard that is for me? Ugh! I am no good at keeping secrets! (except my own, of course)So anyway, the day of revelation came. Taking advantage of the fact that she was at church that morning, I put the envelope holding the tickets in a shoe box, wrapped it in very festive and Christmas-like paper, stuck a huge bow on it and placed the gift on the dinning room table. When she came home, she found the gift on the table and asked me who it was for. Of course I was beside myself with anticipation and excitement. "It's for you mom. Merry early Christmas!" She looked at me skeptically. "What are you talking about? It's not Christmas yet." Rolling my eyes I replied, "I know it's not Christmas yet, I'm early. Just open it!"

She kept the skeptical look on her face as she studied the gift, and proceeded to gingerly unwrap it, carefully removing the bow first of course!

"Ay mija, you bought me shoes?"

I was grinning from ear to ear as she lifted the lid off the box. She opened the envelope and there they were, two tickets to see Andrea Bocelli. To say that she was elated and surprised would be putting it mildly. She was so touched her eyes became watery. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. She chastized me for spending so much money on her. She always does that with my brother and my sister and me. She'll tell us she doesn't need anything or pick the least expensive item because she doesn't want any of us spending our money on her. She'd rather we spend it on ourselves. I love this woman more than my own life! I would do anything to make her happy. The smile on her face, made me feel all warm and fuzzy. And that's the best Christas gift she could ever give me. So Merry early Christmas to me!

The concert is Wednesday evening, I can't wait!

Wistful Sunday Morning Thoughts

Pangs of touching you
caressing your face
laying beside you
kissing you
tug at my heart

No matter what I do
Nothing satisfies the hunger, the cravings, the yearning.

Time is what I need
to forget
to let go
to mourn

And life goes on...

Christmas cards, wine and me -A Saturday Night

My Saturday night was a real wild and crazy night! After spending the day running around I came home and realized I was in no mood to get dressed up and go out with friends. So I begged my apologies and stayed in. This is where it gets good! It started with a much needed bubble bath, candles and some music to relax me. Ahhh, bliss! After the bubble bath, I poured myself a glass of wine and got down to business. As in, the business of writing out my Christmas cards you pervs! What'd you think I meant? Get your mind out of the gutter! Sigh, so where was I? Oh right, the cards. No one sends Christmas cards anymore. Each year I receive less than the year before. The same with letters. No one writes letters anymore. That makes me a little sad. But I digress.
With me, I don't just sign my name and address the envelope, oh no, that's too simple. No I get creative, and each card is sent with a different sentiment. It's not just the generic "Merry Christmas!" And I color with markers or pencils or crayons and even add confetti in them. Yes I'm one of THOSE people! Some of my friends hate it! But they've come to expect it from me, so anytime there's a birthday or a major holiday or special occassion, and you receive a card from me, be prepared to be sprinkled with confetti! For my nieces and nephews I do something different. I draw pictures and write their names in calligraphy or put stickers in them. -Make it special for them when they open their card. Yes I know that some of them can't even read yet, but at least when they're older, they'll know that "aunt Yvonne" sent them something special. So, as I sipped on my third glass of wine, I was feeling great and decided it was time to put on Christmas music. Buh-bye Spyro Gyra, hello Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! And so my evening went. By the time I finished all of my cards it was midnight. Whew! I'm tired! So now the fun has moved into my room. I'm blogging, sipping wine, and singing carols. Do I know how to party or what? Envy me.

Whimsical Saturday

Saturdays are normally set aside for running errands, maybe some shopping, definitely a visit to the grocery store and lets not forget laundry, you know, "chores" and what not! Normally. Today however, I woke up, sun was shinning, and my inner child refused to cooperate in getting any of the aforementioned done. So, giving in to "the kid", I showered, got dressed and took off. Where I am going is not really as important as just "going". A beautiful Saturday morning merits "top down on the car" music. I pop in my "old-school" music mix cd -what? I love "old school" music! lol First up, Earth Wind & Fire's "September".

What are you doing this beautiful day? Whatever you do, make it funky and fun!
I know I will!

Ciao!

Depression and Me -The Update

A few months ago, I wrote about my struggle with depression. At the time I was going through a very bad episode. Time has since passed, and even though my emotional state is still a rollercoaster, I have my good days and my bad. But at least I have control over them (emotions). And I am continuing my therapy and my meds. One of my fellow bloggers, Israel Carrasco suggested I go the the "natural/herbal" route, which I actually did try! But while he was successful, I was not. Nevertheless, I'm grateful and appreciative for his suggestions.

A few things I've learned while on this Depression and Me world tour:

You can't "cure" depression, but you can manage it.
There IS a tomorrow contrary to what Apollo Creed tells Rocky Balboa.
Some people treat you like a leper once they find out you're "sick".
Friends and family will get tired of your "sickness" and ask you to snap out of it.
Laughter really is the best medicine.
Life is pretty great, even when you've fallen in the "black hole" that is your own personal hell.

I have more, but that will do for now.

Now go out and make someone laugh!

Bra on! - Bra off!

We all remember the cheesy '80's movie, "Karate Kid" right? And of course we rememeber, "Wax on, Wax off!" right? Of course we do! So as I was sitting in traffic hell this evening. I got a terrible itch on the side of one of my breasts. Very annoying! I scratched but the itch just wouldn't go away. Ugh, frustration! "I can't wait to get home and yank this thing off!" I thought to myself. Had I not been surrounded by 18-wheelers I would have unsnapped the strap and just flung it in my backseat! Seriously. I don't think men realize how very uncomfortable wearing a bra can be. Think about it, they (the breasts) are confined all day. Sometimes the underwire will dig into your skin. Or other times, the stupid straps, no matter how much you tighten them, just fall on your arm! And you're left to keep picking it up every few minutes! They need air, room to breathe and feel free! At least mine do! And not to brag or anything but I'm not "small" in that area. And since I can't get away with not wearing a bra (are you kidding? I'd be arrested for indecent exposure!)I count the minutes until I can get home and release the girls. -The Girls. Who thought of that? I don't like to call them that, and I don't name them either. They're breasts. That's it.

Ladies? Are you with me on this?

So yeah, this is what I was thinking about on my drive home.

Thanks Mr. Miyagi!

Oops! I'm Married, I Forgot!

One night last week I went out with a group of friends. We went bar hopping. It was at one of these bars that Natalia, a motorcyle afficionada, sees a group of "bikers" ride in and park their bikes out in front. No sooner had one of the bikers taken off his helmet, than Natalia smiled and blurted out to no one in particular, "I wanna go for a ride!" Now mind you, her husband was standing beside her, and our friends (myself included) were there too! We follow her outside and the next I know, she's on the bike and asking Roberto to take her picture. Two of my other friends are soon posing on the bikes as well. I am absolutely, deathly afraid of getting on a motorcyle much less riding one! (Long story short, I fell off of one while riding and am forever traumatized) Well, what happens next is still not clear. All I know is that I went inside to get a drink and when I returned outside, the girls and the bikers were gone. As in, G-O-N-E! So I turned to Roberto and ask him where they went. He said they wanted to go for ride around the block. Whatever. I sipped on my drink, returned inside and chatted with the bunch at our table. After an hour of dancing my ass off I inquired the wherabouts of my girls! Um, they were still gone. Now at this point, I can see that Roberto and the rest of the guys are upset. I tried calling them on their cell phones but of course, all purses and cell phones were left at our table. I started to worry. Just when we were about to call the police, we heard a loud "vrrooom, vrroom come from the street. The girls were back. They were excited and had massive "wind-blown" hair, but they were just fine. So, here's what I want to know from you. Forget that they were gone for over an hour with total strangers. What I want to know is if Natalia's husband should have said "No" when she said she wanted to go for a ride. Keep in mind that no one knew them (the bikers). Was Natalia being disrespectful to her husband? Should her husband have put his foot down and refused to let her go? Ok so nothing bad happened to them. But what if it had? One of the girls that went on the bike ride said "Life is short and you have to live in the moment!" I'm all for that, however, does that entail living dangerously? I've done some pretty crazy things in my life, and some I'm not proud of at all, I get the part of "letting loose", I do. I just don't get the part about being wreckless and selfish. Natalia and Roberto left as soon as she got off the bike. So, maybe they had it out or maybe they didn't. I'm just curious as to what you have to say. I've had several conversations with the girls that went on the ride with Natalia. Those girls are single and argue to me that they had a good vibe from the bikers so that's why they went. My argument to them is that a good vibe can sometimes just be an upset stomach or something lame like that! The "good vibe" argument is moot with me.

What do you think?

Empty Sex

In one of my last posts I told you I went to see "Love and Other Drugs"
on Friday night. Well, during one of the scenes in the movie, one of the characters is excited because he's just had "empty sex" for the first time ever and feels great about it. Meaning, no guilt, no remorse, he just feels downright giddy about the whole thing! Which got me to thinking about that particular term: Empty Sex. I know there is the art of "making love" and then there's just cold, uninhibited, lustful sex. -Fucking as it were. For me, I was a very late bloomer. I didn't actually start having sex until I was a whole lot older than any of you that's for sure! lol Anyway, I don't know if it was because of that little fact of my life or because I didn't know what the hell I was doing but my first sexual encounters were pretty um, what's the word? Oh yeah, PATHETIC! lol They were bad. It didn't help that the men I was with were assholes either. Well, in an effort to fix this little problem of mine, I sought out to get as much experience as necesary. i.e. I began having a lot of empty sex. And I was fine with that back then. I wasn't harming anyone, I was using protection and I was selective. I remember the first time I did it, I thought I would feel bad or guilty or start to develop feelings for the guy I was with, but I didn't. I wasn't attracted to him. Well wait, I was attracted to him enough to have sex with him but not for a relationship, does that make sense? Besides, we were both adults and well our needs were met. End of story. However, watching that movie on Friday night and the way the character goes on and on about how sex without commitment, without love or attraction even, is so great, just made me realize that I'm so glad I don't do that anymore. Because while that character felt good about it, the opposite occurred to me. The more I did it, the emptier and lonelier it felt. Don't get me wrong, the sexual encounters were fantastic! (With very few exceptions) But like the girl that I am, I yearned for more. Maybe this is where men and women differ. While men seemingly have to have it all the time, women tend to hold out a bit longer. I don't know. The last time I was with someone it was for love -on my part. But he didn't feel the same for me. And so even that, after a while, became torture for me and so it stopped. I know we are all human, I know we all have needs to be met, and believe me, I get just as aroused, just as frustrated, just as horny (I've never liked that word. I don't know why. It's just something I never liked to say. But I digress.) as any of you. But I'm now holding out for more. Doesn't necessarily make me a prude. Though someone I know told me it did. I'm just more careful, more selective and not a fan of empty sex anymore. Are you? If you are, tell me why and if you're not, tell me why not. And I'm not saying I'm all of a sudden a born again virgin or anything like that, far from it actually! lol And yeah, if the moment's right and the opportunity presents itself and I'm in the mood, you better believe I'm all over it!

Indulge me with your thoughts on this bloggers.

One More Before I Sleep!

With work and Thanksgiving I totally forgot to give you an update on the investment banker and I! So, things have cooled down a bit. Not by lack of interest, as there is that, but more about timing. We're both at different places in our lives. We're still going to see each other on occassion and just take it day by day. Whatever happens, happens. It's not a sad thing guys, so don't feel bad for me. I don't. Everything always happens for a reason. And besides, who is to say it won't work out for us in the long run? It's all about perception and the big picture. I am fine. More than fine actually. I just wanted to give you the 411.

Alright, NOW I'm off to sleep!

someone i use to know...

Holding hands we walk slowly to the front door
Walking trepidly, purposely, in hopes of  freezing time.

"Please don't let this moment end" my heart cries out, in silence.

There is silence as we reach the front door.
We stare at each other
neither of us looking away
Reluctantly, I break the spell,

"I miss you already."
You hug me. A silent act that speaks volumes.

"I'm going to miss you, I don't want to go, I love you,this is goodbye"

My eyes are welling up with tears. You gently wipe them away with your hand. You kiss my mouth.
Sweetly.
Gently.

You pull a strand of hair away from my face and you tell me to, "Be good."
I want to hold on to you. I don't want you to open the door.
But I'm left standing there, alone.
You turn back and smile at me once more,
and walk out of my life.

Closure.

Addiction

More poetry or "just words" from me. Enjoy
_____________________________________________

You are an addiction.
Something I need to be satisfied.
Something I crave at all times.
How I wish I could bottle you up and take you in small doses.
How I long to feel your body next to mine.
I cannot get enough.
I know I am lost.
How can I get back from your abyss?
Do I want to leave?
It doesn't matter what I want. I MUST leave. You are not good for me. I know that.
I am weak. I have no-self control.
Love me.
Please don't leave me.
My head tells me, "He's not for you. You know that."
Tell me how to leave. Tell me how to stop.
I love you

In a Blue State of Mind

Feeling a little down today. Not even fighting it, I'm just giving in to the feeling, acknowledging it and and then I'll let it go. I guess I'm coming off the week-long anticipation-high of Thanksgiving. Or maybe it's the crazy night I had on Wednesday. Which by the way, I'm still laughing about! Yes I can laugh while I'm feeling blah! It's all about the multi-tasking! Or maybe the fact that I saw an old friend last Sunday, or how I miss someone so much it hurts, or that I had a minor disagreement with my mom today. That almost never happens. It was nothing major, but it bothered me. Of course I did the very un-adult thing and stormed off! Even slamming the door on my way out for dramatic effect! Yeah, yeah, I was a total brat, I know. Anyway, apologies have since been made and all is peachy in my household. Still, I've got the blues and want a hug. Not just any hug though. Unfortunately, the hugger I want, well, it's just not possible. Moving on...

I did venture out to do a little shopping today in hopes of cheering myself up. Sadly, I came back empty-handed. I found NOTHING that I fancied. I even went to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world, the bookstore! But again, nada, zero, an epic fail! So as a consolation and last resort, I took myself to the movies. The theater was packed! Plus, it's COLD so that helps make it feel more like the holidays are upon us!
I had some to kill before the movie started so I sat at one of the little bistro-like tables in the lobby and people-watched. I love doing that! I sat there wondering what was going on in each of their lives, where they were going or coming from, making up my own stories about them. Too bad I didn't have my notebook with me. I normally carry a small notebook in my purse and jot down story ideas or character outlines as they come to me. But I switched out purses earlier in the day and forgot to put it in there! Glancing at my watch, I saw it was time for the movie to start. I went to see "Love And Other Drugs" - I loved it! It was sappy and funny and sad and at times, a bit much, but I loved it! And Jake Gyllenhaal is so sexy and adorable, even if I had hated the movie, I would have loved it! lol

Next best thing to sex? Chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory! It's like multiple orgasms in my mouth! I'm serious! If that doesn't make me feel better I don't know what will! Now you'll have to excuse me, I have a date with a spoon and cheesecake waiting for me!

Good night.

I Am Grateful

On this day of giving thanks and reflecting on all of my blessings, I have much to be grateful for. I'm a lucky, lucky, lucky girl! And so, I just wanted to thank you for reading my blog and commenting on it and for those that follow it! All are appreciated!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Humor me...

Drunk posting! haha That's another one I thought of. Apropos perhaps because I'm slightly intoxicated and too wired to sleep! Tonight (or last night by the looks of the clock) I went out as is my custom every Thanksgiving-eve! I had the best time with my friends. But I was drinking like a fish -which is out of character for me. No harm, no foul, just a lot of laughing and dancing and flirting and good times! It's fun to let loose and go outside your comfort zone sometimes. Tonight felt like the perfect time!

So who else went out? What did you do? Inquiring minds want to know!

Anyone?

Texter's Remorse

We've all heard of "Buyer's Remorse" right? How about, "Don't Drink and Drive" or "Don't Drink and Text", and lets not forget, "Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk"? Yes well, I've got a new one! "Texter's Remorse." And I've got it, and it's not good! For the most part, texting is a convenience, a "hurry up" tool to communicate when you're pressed for time or you just don't want to talk to that person. Also known as the "easy way out." Last week I text messaged someone that I shouldn't have. No sooner had I pressed "Send" than the ol' dreaded "Texter's Remorse" kicked in! Why? Why did I do it??? Ugh! And it's not like you can hit cancel -well you can but you have to do it before you hit send and not after. And no, I was not intoxicated, though even if I was, it still would have been a mistake!

Silence is sometimes piercingly more painful than spoken words. No, nothing happened as a result of my text happy fingers! I was just pissed at myself for doing it. I didn't hear back from the person I text messaged. I didn't expect to, but deep inside, I hoped.

Shadow Dancing

I used to be a HUGE Andy Gibb fan! Shadow Dancing was one of my favorites! I thought it appropriate to title this post after his song. It mirrors what or how I've been feeling all day.

I'm tired of standing in the shadows of my own life. I've been doing it far too long. But how do you emerge from the "background" as a silent observer to the forefront as an avid participant? I've always been the type of person that everyone goes to for advice, or to hug or encouragement. I've always been "the friend." And while that's not a bad thing, it's not always a good thing. When this year started I was hopeful for many things and my life was very different. Fast forward to today and while I've undergone enormous changes in my life in the latter half of the year, I find myself stuck in a rut and it makes me sad. I've been trying really hard for the past few months to undo all the chaos that is my life. But I've realized that sometimes you just can't undo it, and so you have to let it go and keep going forward. My mom used to tell me that, "You can't fix something that is broken." And to an extent, she's right. I want to change my life so badly and even though I've taken steps to go in that direction, sometimes, sometimes, I just want to throw in the towel! I guess I'm in that kind of mood today. It's like I'm fighting an internal battle with myself. This applies to my career, my long-term goals and my emotional state. The thing is, I'm at a point where I'm just fed up with myself and it's time for more drastic measures. I just don't know what they are yet. All in all, my life is good. But it needs to be better. I need to be better.

Yes I know, this post is all over the place! I wrote this way to give you an idea of how erratic my thoughts and my emotions are presently. Fun right?

I know everything will be alright eventually. I just needed to vent my Monday woes. Thanks for listening, laughing, rolling your eyes or whatever you did while reading this! All actions are appreciated! lol

Weekend Wrap-Up

Hello bloggers! So how was everyone's weekend? I'm not as anxious about today being Sunday and tomorrow is the dreaded Monday, like I normally am. I think it's because I know it's going to be a short week and I'm ready, so ready for it! Aren't you??? I love Thanksgiving! It's a great holiday, love the food, love the family get-togethers and the obligatory Thanksgiving-eve celebration with friends. Good times, good times.

My weekend started with our family going away dinner for my dad. He actually left on Saturday evening instead of Sunday, as I posted earlier. We had a great time, talking and laughing and cutting up with my brothers and sister and parents. You know what I find so interesting? The fact that even though my parents have been divorced for almost 20 years they are the best of friends. Their relationship is better now than it was when they were married. My dad landed in Managua safely, thank God. And I spoke to him earlier this evening, he's excited, and very glad to be there.

Saturday I had dinner with the investment banker. For those of you keeping track, that would make date number 5. He made dinner for us and we watched a movie. We seem to always have something to say to each other and have the best conversations! So far, so good. We shall see...

And this bring me to today. I ran into an old friend at church. It was bittersweet. Sigh... Moving on, alright since Shady (you know who you are) brought it up, I'm forced to address it. :) While I do not like football, and don't understand it, I am a Texans fan -on occassion. lol They lost (again) today, but that's not the story, the story is how they lost and what an emotional rollercoaster ride they put us (the fans) through. We went from being ecstatic to shock, to bewilderment, to anger, to stunned all in 44 seconds. Bleh! I can't wait for baseball season!!!

This was my weekend. -that's a wrap!

"At Night"

I wrote this some time ago. However, am considering it for a writing contest. Please let me know your thoughts.


When I was seven years old, my dad's uncle would come into my bedroom late at night and touch me in very unlike uncle ways! I knew it was wrong for him to do what he did and I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid. I felt that in some way it was my fault. I didn't want my dad to kick him out, he had nowhere else to go. He was family. So I kept it to myself. Through the course of two years the molesting continued.
I wish I could say that that he was the only one. But I can't and he wasn't. During that time, my dad was doing the same thing. He never went further than touching my "not yet developed" breasts. Still, I hated when he did that. I wanted him to stop. I told him to stop. But he told me to be a good girl. And so I was.
I'm now 20 years old. I live a good life. I live a fast life. I drink heavily. Have lots of sex and like to dominate men. I get paid very well for what I do. Yes I make men pay me to have sex with me. It's a privilege I indulge on a selected few. I don't do drugs. I go to church. I confess my sins. I have a family. Dysfunctional as it is, but I have one. I graduated top five percent from college. I have a degree in Journalism. I write a column for a prestigious woman's magazine. And I whore myself out at night.
I guess it all started one night during my senior year in high school. I was on a date with the "crush" of the week! Geeky, nerdy, accident prone he was, but he was so cute! And he drove a mustang! I gave him my first blow job. I didn't even know what I was doing. But he seemed to enjoy it all the same! I think I may have hurt him though! I was inexperienced, trying to suck something that I had never sucked before. It was awkward. But interestingly enough, I liked it. And so did Julio. That was his name. In fact, he liked it so much he wanted it all the time. Well, I didn't want to do it all the time. So if he wanted it that much, "What's it worth to you?" I asked him after he was practically begging me to go down on him. We were in his car, breathing hard and sweaty after a serious make out session.
"What do you mean?" he asked almost innocently.
I batted my eyelashes at him and smiled. Then I put my face really close to his and said, "If you want me to make you feel good, you're going to have to pay me..."
I can't describe the rush I got from saying that to him. It was fantastic! My heart was pounding and the blood in my body was boiling.
"Pay you? Are you serious?"
I smiled flirtingly at him and said "Yes" almost in a whisper.
He was seventeen years old. How much money could he give me really? I knew that. I just wanted to see if he would do it. And he did. That night I was paid $22.00 to suck his cock. No penetration of any kind. I was only sucking that night.
That was almost four years ago. I now charge anywhere from $100.00 to $1,000.00 a night. Of course I do more than suck at this point.
There are a handful of close friends that know of the double life I lead. They along with my sister hate it and have asked me to seek help. Help? What kind of help could I possibly seek? Imagine going to the psychiatrist and saying, " By day I'm a normal person. By night, I turn into a prostitute, slut, whore, whatever your choice of brand is!" Besides, I didn't want help. I enjoy what I do. I harm no one. I am not married. I have no children. I don't even have a dog. And I'm making money -the old fashioned way.
At my father's funeral, I couldn't control my crying. The tears just would not stop. To this day I do not know if I was crying because I will miss him, or because I felt guilty for being glad he was dead. I don't know how much longer I will keep up with this life I lead. I suppose until I feel vindicated or feel anything at all. I've punished myself enough.
I lost my innocence a long time ago.

At Last

I wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for the comments and/or the emails I received with words of encouragement regarding my last post. I appreciated it very, very, much! And not to worry, all is better.

Moving on.

My 70 year old father is planning on traveling to Nicaragua this Sunday. He has been wanting to go back and visit for years but just never made it a point to actually do it. Until now. Nicaragua is located in Central America. He was born in Managua and came to the United States at the age of seventeen. When my brothers and sister and I were little, he would tell us stories of his childhood. Colorful, extreme, happy times for him. He always told us that he wanted all of us to go visit one day. Sadly, none of us will be joining him. He will be making the trip alone. He still has some family and friends living there. But his visit home has me a bit uneasy. First of all, he is deathly afraid of flying! Once, while traveling to Acapulco, he almost passed out because our flight had severe turbulence and kept dropping in altitude! I'd never seen my father turn so many colors at once! lol My other concern is his health, while he's pretty healthy, what if something happens to him while he's there? I'm just a worrier, I know this. I am excited that his dream will finally become a reality. I just hope he has a great time and comes back safely. So my brothers and sister and nieces and nephews and I will be having an early Thanksgiving dinner with him this Friday. Good times for sure! You know it's funny, I don't have what you would call a "normal" relationship with my dad -for many reasons that I will keep to myself. Lets just say, I keep my distance. Oh we are on speaking terms and all that, it's just that I am guarded and pull away if he gets too close. But sometimes, like now when I'm worrying about him, I start thinking about how old he is and that despite our differences and the pain he caused me and my family, he is still my dad. He's the one I was given and I can't give him back! lol They don't have a return policy on parents! Faults and all, I do love him, in my own way.

Buen viaje papa!

A Bad Day

For a Monday, today sucked ass! It started with a day from hell at the office and got progressively worse as the day wore on. The culminating moment came at the end of the day. I heard from someone that upset me very much. And then my impulsiveness took over and I did something I shouldn't have. I didn't think about it or analyze it, no, that would be too rational and as you all know, I'm anything but rational! So of course, I berated myself for doing what I know I shouldn't have. And I cried. Mostly, I cried because I miss something that is no longer in my life. But I also cried because I was angry at myself for being so weak. Sigh, I told myself no more boo-hooing after today. Enough of this insanity! I'm putting my big girl panties on, drying my tears and letting today go. Tomorrow is another day and even though work is still going to drive me insane and I still want to poke my boss in the eyeballs, and this person I'm missing well, will still be missed, I'm determined to move forward.

And now, I'm off to put a cold compress on my eyes, good night!

And Then There Were Three...

dates that is. So the investment firm guy and and I have gone out twice since the last post about our first date. So far so good! Dinner and a comedy show one night, follwed by a conversation that lasted until the sun came up! And on our last date, a day at the beach, walking on the sand, ignoring that it was cold, and then dinner and another marathon conversation. This time, we stopped it at midnight! lol He had plans the following day and I, I wanted to sleep! :) So there you go! Could it be my curse of horrible dates is over??? Hmmm, I dunno, but I'm having fun and that's all that matters.

Til next time, same bat time, same bat channel!

Only in My Dreams...

Last night I had a dream about my first love. I met him when I was 19 years old, a sophomore in college. He was 24 years old. I fell head over heels in love! We became instant friends. Four years after we met, he married someone else. I even went to his wedding. I haven't spoken or seen him in almost 12 years! I don't know why I dreamed about him last night. The dream was so weird too! I thought about him all day. He was everything to me. And oh how I loved him! He was so polite, so charming, so intelligent. He raised the bar so high for the men I encountered after him that for a long time, no one could reach it. I always compared them to him. The thing I loved most about him (well besides how sexy he was)was how safe he made me feel when I was with him. How protected and loved I was. And how much he made me laugh! We would laugh all the time. We had fun.

I'll always hold M. dear to my heart. Sometimes, weird dreams aren't that bad.

In A Sunday State of Mind...

Self-confession time - I spent ALL day in my pj's watching movies today! And let me tell you something, it was absolutely fantastic! lol
I woke up ready to tackle some tasks that needed my attention but instead, I looked out the window, saw the grey sky, saw the rain falling with vengeance from the sky, the wind rustling the leaves on the trees, and quickly felt the cold seep through my window pane. Forget it! After that I was worthless! I grabbed the remote, crawled back into bed and proceeded to veg for the rest of the day. I felt like a kid who had done something wrong and was hiding in their room, just waiting for their mom or dad to come in and get mad at them! haha Except no one came, and well, I didn't do anything wrong. Just something out of the norm for me. Sometimes in our lives we all need a day like this, to clear our heads, to forget responsibilities, to recharge. So often we are so busy running around, planning, doing, worrying, etc. Even our weekends are dictated by plans, schedules, commitments, no wonder we're all so tired on Monday mornings! And yes, in case you are wondering, decadent munchies and chocolate were my menu of choice! -Well if I was going to be bad, I may as well be very bad! -That's my motto anyway!

Hope all of you have a day like today!

Held Hostage

Francesca and Mario were friends for a long time and then they fell in love. For years they were the "IT" couple and oozed of happiness and all things amore. But just like the song, "Love don't Live Here Anymore", one day, Francesca woke up and realized she was not happy, she was no longer in love and she wanted out. So she left without looking back. Keep in mind, that throughout the years, she and her love, or former love, created a home together, filled it with material things along with hopes and dreams. Well, Francesca in her haste to get out of the relationship, literally bolted and didn't think of the repercussions of her actions. Fast forward to the present. Francesca has moved on but Mario is still clinging to any grasp of hope that there may be left of winning back Francesca's heart.

This is where it gets ugly. While the couple never married, they were together almost ten years. They shared everything that couples share during this time. A few years have passed since they officially ended their relationship. But now Francesca has resurfaced into Mario's life. You see, there are still matters to be handled. Financial matters. Of epic proportions! Mario owes Francesca money for furnishings that Francesca paid for on her credit. She's since paid off the debt in full. However, Mario, who in the beginning would give payments to Francesca towards the credit card, soon decided that since she cut him out of her life, then he didn't need to finish paying on the debt they both incurred. His reasoning for this is that the minute he pays her in full, she will be permanently gone from his life. (Even though she's been gone for well almost 4 years now!) He won't meet her halfway either. Meaning, it's his way or no way. Basically, if she wants her money, she'll have to see him, spend time with him, otherwise, she won't see a dime. I suppose most would say, walk away and cut your losses. But Francesca insists that the money owed to her is a surmountable amount and it just isn't fair. Especially since she left empty-handed.

This is a "fictitious" story bloggers. It was inspired by friends' various accounts of money being a major factor in ending relationships. In this particular scenario, while it wasn't the money that ended the relationship, it is the money that is holding Francesca hostage to a relationship she no longer wants to be a part of.

What do you think?

Is Mario being fair? Is Francesca being unreasonable? What would you do?

Chime in your thoughts please, I'm curious to hear what you have to say!

Relationships are a bitch sometimes!

Thanks for playing!

Blame it on the Meds

I woke up feeling not so good yesterday. I'll spare you the gory details and just say I must have caught a stomach bug or something gross like that! Anyway, today I felt a litte better but still a little weak. At any rate, I missed writing and blogging. I'm in the middle of working on my novel and hate when I don't work on it even if it's just for one day! And this blog has become an outlet for the emotional rollercoaster that is my life! Writing is my passion. It's pretty awesome! So anyway, here I am!

Watching the Latin Grammys tonight I observed a few things. Let me share with you -ready?

Observation #1
Chris Botti is not only hot but damn can he blow his horn!

Observation #2
Charo is what? 100 years old now? Ok I know, I know, she's not really 100 but pretty close I'm sure! Anyway, my observation is that even though she is ancient she still has that body! And she can still "cuchi cuchi"!!!

Observation #3
Something about spanish music that is so sexy! And the men who sing it are even more CALIENTE!

Observation #4
I want to go dancing! lol

There you have it. -You're welcome, you're welcome! :) You see, this is what happens when you get sick and heavily medicate yourself into oblivion and/or mindless chatter! Don't try this at home! ha!

Ok kids, that's all I've got for now.

Ciao!

Masquerade

One of the ways I like to relax is by listening to music, sometimes with a glass of wine. Usually, I like to listen to Sade or Gypsy Kings or maybe some Cole Porter or Etta James. Tonight, I was listening to George Benson's "This Masquerade". So, as I sat there, siping on my wine and enjoying the music, I started thinking about the title. "Masquerade". Hmmm, it seems that most of my life I've lived in a masquerade of sorts at one time or another. Masking the truth, masking the pain, masking my reality. It was easier to pretend it wasn't there than to deal with it. -Whatever "it" was at the time. It's taken all these years to come full circle and to face all those "masks" that I wear and that make up my life. Some may read this and think that I've wasted so much time, and had I been enlightened by all of this early on, then maybe, just maybe, my life would be very different. -Maybe. But I don't see the experiences I've had to this point in time as failures or wasted time. It is because of everything that's happened to me that I am who I am today. At age 44, I have found myself. And I like her. I know I've got issues still to deal with (who doesn't?) and quite frankly, learning about myself scares the hell out of me sometimes! Fear of the unknown and all that! But that's what this "de-masking" is all about isn't it? Interesting how doing one of my favorite things leads me to peel off yet another layer of myself.

Cheers!

Everything to Offer

When I wake up in the mornings I thank God for another day.
When I go lay down at night, I pray for a peaceful sleep.
It's what happens in between that has me in uproar.

For as long as I can remember, I've been asking God for love to come into my life. More specifically, a man. To love me. To be with me. To want me. To respect me. To protect me. To be my friend, my lover, my confidante. Sigh, God must be pretty busy, I am still waiting...

I'm almost ashamed to admit it but I get jealous sometimes at perfect strangers mind you, You know the ones, the couples. The ones that are speaking so low only they can hear what they are saying. The ones that can't keep their hands off of each other. The ones that are holding hands while wandering through the streets... Yeah, the little green monster comes out and takes over me! Why can't I have that? Why not me? What's wrong with me??? --that's what happens when the "monster" gets out. I can't help it. I'm only human and I too have wants and desires that need to be met.

I don't always feel this way. Most of the time I'm peachy keen. I blame it on the time change and the upcoming holidays. While I love, love, love them, I tend to get a bit sad during these times as well. It can be a vey lonely time. Sigh, but this is not a "feel sorry for myself" post. I'm just vening a little.

Smiling at the endless possibilites that is my future. Stay tuned!

Just Jibber - No Jabber

Ever had one of those days where you kept drawing blanks? My mind is that way tonight. I have so many different things going on in my head right now, and I want to write about all of them, but when I sit down to actually lace my words together, eh, I got nothin. My mind goes blank.

It's Monday, long and stressful work day. Had a good workout at the gym though!

I'm going to step away from the computer now before I butcher this post more than I have already.

As usual, you've been great! See you next time! :)

What Would Daffy Duck Do?

I woke up way too early today! As much as I tried to force myself back to a slumber, I couldn't. So I finally gave up, grabbed the remote and lay in bed flipping channels. I was in the mood for a cartoon, you know the REAL cartoons. The ones that made you laugh out loud, I'm talking Bugs Bunny and Friends, Underdog, Scooby-Doo, Speed Racer, the Flinstones. Sadly, all I found were boring, uninmaginative and nauseating sitcoms. Where are the cartoons??? Geez! Kids these days are really missing out! I mean, Hello Kitty? Powder Puffs? What is that??? Bleh! I finally gave up trying to find anything worth watching and turned the tv off.

It's Saturday bloggers! Go out and make it a good one! :)

No Regrets

I know I have gone on and on about someone that I refer to as "HIM" or "He Who Shall Remain Nameless" -and he will, remain nameless. I would never call him out. He doesn't fit in the "Gustabo" category either. He stands alone. I have been battling with my feelings lately. Trying to figure out why I acted or did what I did with this person. Why I allowed certain things from him that I would never allow from anyone else. I said in a much earlier post "Bare" that it wasn't love. That I thought I was in love but I really wasn't. Friends have told me it wasn't love. But my heart and my emotions tell me different. I truly love this man. I always will. I care for him and his well being deeply. Despite the pain and the tears, I wouldn't change anything that happened. Not one bit. I don't hate him or wish him harm. I am just so happy he came into my life and even though he was well, the way he was, I don't regret what happened. I relish in the fact that it happened and while I mourn the loss, I know I will be just fine.

I love him. I always will.

I know that the few people that know the whole story, will disagree with me. Call me crazy, tell me I'm wrong. And it's okay, they have a right to their opinion. But I'm not wrong. Part of my healing and growing process is to own up to my true feelings and emotions and accept them. And that's what I'm doing. I have to in order to move on.

Ciao Bello!

Got Lunch?

As far as dates go, this one was -dare I say it? A GOOD date! I don't know what will happen, but I was pleased at the outcome. "Gustabo" (for those not in the "know" I name all of my male counterparts Gustabo, to protect the innocent and the not so innocent) and I work in the same building, on the same floor. In fact, that's how we met. We rode the elevator together so much that we finally had to acknowledge one another. He works for an investment company down the hall from the law firm I work for. So we ran into each other at random times, in the elevator, the hallway, the deli, for about a month before either of us even spoke to each other. Oh we'd say, "Hi", "Good morning", "Have a Nice Day", "Have a nice weekend" but we never stopped to chat. Well, last week Gustabo asked about the law firm I worked for. I think he was just making small talk. And we started chatting from there. A few days ago, he asked if I wanted to meet for lunch this week. I said yes and here we are. We met for lunch today. Um, no we did not go to the deli! lol We ventured outside and walked to a nearby restaurant. (at my suggestion, it was just too pretty a day to be in a car!) Talked the entire way there. He's super tall, well anyone is next to me. I'm only 4'11 and he's about 6'2. He's got this JFK, Jr. hair that just makes you want to run your fingers throught it! And no, I didn't. :) His eyes are chocolate brown and he's got these dimples that rival Mario Lopez's dimples! Pretty cute I'd say! Lunch was good. We have a lot in common, for instance, we're both left-handed! How weird is that??? There was no groping, hands roaming, innuendos, or wine in the face throwing at all. Which was great! We talked about possibly getting together next weekend. He's traveling this week. So, we'll see what happens.

Tune in next time for another episode of, "As Yvonne's Dating Life Turns".

Serenity Now!

What calms you down? I'm curious to know. For me, it's writing and listening to some jazz. A nice Merlot or Chardonnay doesn't hurt either! But really, the music puts me in a calming state, so does writing. Or a good book. There are times when I'm just beside myself with anger or despair, so much so that I almost go into hyperventilation mode. Luckily, I've learned some breathing techniques that help me, along with repeating affirmations. Usually, that does the trick and helps me return to normalcy.

How do YOU handle stress? What do you do to calm down?

Share with me...

Senseless Wednesday

I find it peculiar that I am everyone's cheerleader, motivational speaker, advocate, protector, etc. I'm all of those things to everyone, but to myself. Why is that? I can talk you up like no one's business! I can turn that frown upside down! :) -No really, I can. But when everyone is gone and I'm left alone, I shut down. I'd like to know what it's like to cheer myself on for once. Sometimes I think it's my self-esteem issues. I've never been a big fan of myself. Physically or otherwise. I've got baggage okay? But the many wonderful friends and acquaintances that I have tell me otherwise. Just once, I'd like to know the difference. I'm still working on myself and so this is just part of the process I guess. I'm facing another demon, as it were.

A poll -What do you do in your life to cheer yourself on? Why?

It's Wednesday night, I'm tired, Texas STILL has the same governor (bleh!), and I have a headache. Those are my excuses for this post being somewhat all over the place! lol

Indulge me.

The Little Things

I'm grateful for many, many things in my life. I know that I bitch a lot about men, dating, friends, injustices, past loves, stupid things, etc. So in honor of the first day of the month. I thought I would post some of the things I'm grateful for in my life. As a fellow blogger pointed out to me last night, sometimes focusing on those "gratefuls" help us stay on that positive path that I for one, am trying so hard not to stray from.

Thanks Ecco! :)

I'm Grateful:
For my health, my family, my job, the unconditional love of family and friends, my writing, the endless possibilities that I have yet to unravel in my life.

Those are but a few of my "I'm gratefuls" -I've said this before but it bears repeating, I truly am a lucky girl!

Good bye October

My birthday month has come to an end. Thirty one days of laughs, tears, pain, anger, resentment, struggles, successes, insight, good choices, bad choices, dillemmas, happiness. The race is on, the clock is ticking, there are only 8 weeks left in the year. What will I do? How will I make it count? Four months ago I started a journey to self-improvement, to become a better version of myself, to stop the insanity that was my life. So how am I doing? Sigh, well, it's been rough, not gonna lie. But I realized that I'm stronger than I know. And that no matter how many times life knocks me down, I keep getting back up, sometimes, even when I don't want to. I still have a lot of issues to deal with and the better version of myself still needs a lot of work. I've taken two steps forward somedays only to take three steps back on other days. It's those days that I struggle with. I beat myself up for failing, for falling back into the same patterns, the "familiar". No one is harder on me than myself. Why can't I just forgive and move on? Instead I obsess, question, lecture myself -basically beat myself up. See? I am still working on it.

November. Bring it.

All Hallow's Eve

This Rock Star life of mine is exhausting. So I just got home. It's about 2:00 a.m. and even though I am tired to the point of delirium, I can't fall asleep. So, I came here, where everybody knows my name. :)

Last night and tonight's parties were tons of fun. But today I kind of just ran out of steam a little after midnight. Could it have been all the dancing and the vodka and Chocolate cake shots I did? Hmmm, maybe. Tonight I still had a good time, but it was done at a more moderate speed and sans alcohol. What? I still had a great time! lol

While I was able to wear my Betty Boop costume to last night and last week's parties, tonight I had a wardrobe malfunction so I had to improvise -which sucked! But it all worked out, like always.

I realize I'm just rambling, but like I said, lack of sleep and dehydration will cause you to say and/or write silly things.

Oh! Super excited because the Rangers won!

Later today (much later, after much sleep!) I will be getting together with all of my nieces and nephews for trick or treating! Yay!

Alright, let me put this blog out of it's misery.

Good night.

Making Amends

Tonight I finally got the courage that I had been lacking to apologize to someone that I hurt very much. The guilt of my actions had been torturing me for months! But each time I reached for the phone to call them, I'd lose my nerve and hang up. I don't know what was so different or special about this night. Just a regular Wednesday night, I was sitting on my sofa, listening to music and having a glass of wine. Suddenly the overwhelming urge to speak to this person came over me. And without hesitation, I grabbed my cell and dialed the number. For the next hour I engaged in a much needed conversation with my friend. I apologized for my actions, begged forgiveness and gave my reasons for my behavior. Truly, it was never my intent to hurt this person. All is now forgiven and water under the bridge. And I can sigh with relief and maybe even contrition. Sometimes even the most best intentions get skewed and fuzzy. I marveled at how easy it was for my friend to forgive me. I am not so sure I would have acted as kind. How about you? Do you forgive easily? Are you a forgive and forget kind of person? Or a forgive but not really kind of person?

Ok, that's all for now, I need a refill.

Just Once More

I want to see you
to touch you
kiss you
hold you.

I long to be in your arms
and feel your breath on my face, my body.

I yearn to hear your voice
your laughter
See your smile.

I crave you.

Just once more...

Work in Progress - First Draft

***I haven't titled this yet and not sure where it's going. Just wanted to share and hear your thoughts -if any. Thanks!***

"I want you..."

"You want what?"

"I want you NOW! I want to feel you inside me, I need you so bad..."

Words barely audible in the midst of the sexual energy, heavy breathing, and clothes being flung about!

For Valencia and Adrian, "making love" was the last thing on their mind! What they wanted and needed and were doing, was "having sex", "fucking" as it were. Time and circumstances had kept them apart for a long time. Too long and now time was ticking and it was time to devour the moment!

She stared at him as his body protruded and made those oh so funny faces a man makes when he is about to or is having an orgasm. She enjoyed being on top. Being the one "in control", she reveled in the fact that she made him feel this way.

Seductive.

She sreamed out over and over as she climaxed. Over and over saying his name...kissing his body, letting him touch her there, in that special place that only he knew existed.

Time Out.

Laying there, entwined in each other's arms, trying to catch their breath and composure, Adrian glances at her, pulls a strand of hair out of her face and just smiles. How she loved that smile. It melted her very existence!

"I love you Vali. I loved you the day we first met. I was just too stupid to accept it."

Valencia sits up, the sheet that was a second ago covering her naked body is now strewn between them. He gazes at her beauty. Her breasts exposed.

"Do you know how long I waited for you to say that???" "Do you?"
She has a tears in her eyes.

Adrian takes her in his arms and cradles her. And there they stayed, hours, professing their love for one another.

To be continued...

A Funneh

I was at a friend's Halloween party on Saturday night. As far as house parties go, it was a blasty blast! Towards the end of the night, only the die-hards remained. Yours truly being one of them. We were sitting outside in the backyard patio. Drinking what was left of the alcohol and munching on reheated food. Something about reheated food at 2:00 a.m. that makes it taste so good! lol Either that or everyone is just too drunk and hungry to care. At any rate, the topic of conversation was absolute deal-breakers when dating someone. You know, like for example, I will absolutely NOT share a toothbrush with anyone let alone someone I'm dating! That's just gross! So we all took turns devulging our pet peeves. Round the table we all went. Well, amongst our group was a friend I'll call Lola. Lola is beautiful, and clever and intelligent, she's an in-your-face kind of girl. She will chew you up and spit you out without wincing, before you even know what hit you! Among her litany of "deal-breakers" was men touching her feet. Well actually, anyone touching her feet. She has an aversion to them so getting something so simple as a pedicure is pure torture for her. "Plus my toes are so sensitive I can't let anyone touch them! It's like 10 little clitorises on my feet!" By far, that was the funniest line of the night! We all looked at her and burst into laughter. I will never be able to look at my toes without thinking of that! It's always like that when this group gets together. We each learn way too much information about each other. Way too much! Conversation continued into the wee hours of the morning.

Good times.

"Round Two?"

I had a conversation one night with someone that I care for very much. Out of that convesation, this emerged:

"Round Two?"

Hands roaming everywhere.

Exploring.

Bodies entangled, sweat, heavy breathing, lust.

Kisses that keep us wanting more and more.

Deeper, softer, harder, faster, slower

soft moans escape our mouths

our eyes are locked into each other
not looking away.

to be inside me as you are drives me insane!

To feel you with every thrust makes me want this never to end!

Quiet whispers, "I want you so bad", "I need you so much..."

Then all at once the waves come in and lead our bodies to ecstasy.

Catching our breath, laying together, now peaceful, serene.

Pounding hearts returning to normal

Sigh,

with a devilish look on our faces we stare at each other,

Round two?

Worst.Date.Ever (The Recycled Version)

 Last night my good friend *Gustabo asked me if I had any "bad dates" stories? Me? Muahahahaha! How much time you got? I asked him.  So in keeping with the "Bad Dates" theme and because I'm too tired to think of anything even remotely interesting to write, I'm going "recycle" a post I wrote back in October of 2010.  For those that have read it already, please indulge me again, and for those that have not read it yet, I hope you enjoy it! Or laugh at it.
 __________________________________________________

Earlier this evening I met up with a few friends for happy hour. Over wine and pizza (we improvised ok? nothing but the best for us!) the discussion of choice was "Worst/Best____ Ever!" So the group consisted of four women and six men. Clearly the ladies were outnumbered!  One of the guys started the convo off by telling us how he had just been on the BEST date of his life and how he thinks she may be "the one" blah,blah,blah! So we all start trading our BEST date stories and then tried to one up each other. Well, they thinking they knew ALL of my secrets wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise! So I had to think fast and blurted out, "I was called a "cock block bitch" once!" Silence. Even our waitress stopped pouring the beer and just stared at  us me.  "Well I was!" They were all staring at me in disbelief! "Ok fun-size, spill it!" First, let me share with you, one of my many, many, MANY nicknames is Fun-size. Stop laughing!  I'm only 4'11 and ever since I can remember, I have been given various nicknames because of this! Whatever. So I proceed to tell them about my worst date ever. It happened years ago mind you. During my Myspace phase. Lame. I know but it was all the rage back then!!! And nothing has topped it -yet. Not even the "Bad Kisser" story! Don't believe me? Read for yourself...

We met by way of MySpace.com Separated by miles but bound by the internet. The emails began, the camaraderie, the bantering... All seemed well. All seemed okay. The "suitor" and I had a lot in common. We even grew up in the same neighborhood etc. He was a public school kid, I was a private school kid. Ironically, (or not) our paths never crossed while growing up. So the seeds of our "friendship" were planted and my insides became giddy at the possibility of something "new" transpiring. After countless emails and numerous, lengthy, phone calls, the "suitor" asked me out. We went out on a Friday. Now, I we debated going out at all that weekend.  It happend to be Good Friday and while I'm not a hard-core, rosary carrying Catholic, I still feel odd going out and partying on Good Friday.  Now Holy Saturday, well that's a whole different story!  It's ON then!   Ok where was I?  Yeah so we decided to go ahead and keep it "calm" and just meet for dinner and drinks.  And if things were going well, we'd go all out and take in a movie.  I know, I know, I know how to party!  When we finally met that Good Friday night, it was very nice. The entire evening was great! He winded and dined me.  Literally.  Heh.  After dinner we decided to go listen to a jazz guitarist friend of mine.  He was playing at a local establishment that we both frequented.  Now at this point, I'm thinking, "ok, he hasn't even tried to hold my hand."  Hmmm, he's going with the "gentleman" approach.  Nice. There was a lot of talking and laughing and getting to know each other.  Not in a Match.com kind of way but in a relaxed and totally spontaneous element.  All indications led me to believe that this guy had more than potential!  But wait. It got better.  At then end of our date, my "suitor", ever the gentleman, decides he's going to walk me to my door (Yes this is how comfortable I felt about him, I let him pick me up at home). It was then that he reached for my hand.  We walked slowly and comfortably to my door. Up to this point, this is the most we had done in terms of "intimate" contact! I thanked him for a nice time and kissed his cheek. He reaches for me and kisses me on the mouth. Totally caught me off guard!  But it was nice.  In my head, I tell myself that that is enough. He's coy. He's smooth. He goes for another one and I again, kiss him back. Finally, after some serious making out, we break away and I hug him and tell him to drive safe. He proceeds to ask me and I quote: "Can't you find somewhere better to put your hands?" (at the time, my hands were around his neck.) I looked at him incredulously, and he proceeded to take my hand and put it over his crotch! That's right ladies and gentleman! There was "lift" off!!! I pried my hand away quickly but not quickly enough not to feel his "arousal". At that moment I wanted to throw up. Not because I'm a prude, I'm not. But this idiot ruined an otherwise perfect evening and ruined any chance of building any type of relationship -platonic or otherwise with me. The night ended when he huffed away mad. But not before he telling me, "I thought you were an adult, you're just a cock block bitch." I'm totally serious! He actually said that to me! It was so silly I almost broke out in laughter but I was too angry at him! What happened to "dating"? You know, the guy picks up the girl at home, they go out, have a good time, walks her to the door and "maybe" they kiss or hug and then the date ends. This of course leading the way for the possibility of more dates more flirting, just more in the future!  What happened to that? Am I so "backwards" that this does not happen anymore? I know I'm not because I have been on plenty of dates and none have ever, ever ended the way this one did!! Now, maybe you're thinking that I led him on or teased him. Did I lead him on? No. Did I flirt with him? Of course I did. I was attracted to him and I genuinely was starting to like him. Certainly, I would have wanted to get to know him better and see if it would lead to anything. At what point did our date turn into "You have to blow me?" Give me a break! I felt like I was back in high school fighting off a 9th grader with a hard on! Jeez! What a disappointment! Or in hindsight, a blessing in disguise? This is why dating is very "exclusive" for me and why I am so picky! Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on dating because I refuse to believe all men are like this moron but damn! Talk about bursting a bubble... I should have known this was too good to be true...or rather, he was to good to be true...

Alas, that was a few days ago and it is past. My eyes are focused on the future and what wonderful, charming, sexy, intelligent men I have yet to meet...
_____________
"And THAT'S what happened." I said to my dorky friends.

"Bring her a shot!"

Lovely! My friends' answer to all of our plights, alcohol! Works for me, Salud!

Reality and Writing -A Nice Flow

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I've been writing since I was about 15 years old. The past few years however, I let life get in the way and in true ADD fashion, I kept going for the next best thing to catch my attention. I neglected my first love. My second love is a close second and that is reading. -But that's for another time and another blog. So earlier this summer, a whole lot of crap happened to me. Some life changing, some just, well, not good. At any rate, I found myself falling back into the "black hole" and depression soon engulfed me. It's been a long and hard past four months -almost five! But I'm so glad to say that I am better. I am so much better than I was just a few months ago. And part of the reason is because of this outlet. This blogging that I do. Besides giving me satisfaction, it also gives me insight and at times triggers forgotten memories or burried memories. Sigh, I still have a lot of work to do, but for the most part, I'm better. I never thought I would be able to say that. Oh, I still have my issues, LOTS of issues! And lets not forget that certain someone that still pulls my heart strings. But even so, I've come to the realization that he will always have my heart. I can't change that, no matter how hard I try. So I don't try anymore. It is what it is and I have no regrets. In spite of all of that I'm dealing with the demons this time, and not discarding them, or putting them away for later. I'm handling what needs to be handled. Slowly, a better version of myself, is emerging. And I like it.

A is for Accountability

Ever since I began this journey of self-discovery and creating a better version of myself, I have had to do a lot of soul searching, face the demons that had been dormant for most of my life. Well, those demons are awake now that I'm "cleaning house." All this probing into myself has not been easy and proven to be a daunting task. What I have come to realize though, is that we are all accountable for our actions. We are where we are because of choices we made. Not anyone else. Everyone in their own way always looks for an out. Always looks the other way. No one wants to deal or confront a problem, confront the demon(s). So we run. Well, I suddenly find myself very tired. I refuse to live my life as I have been. No more Ms. Nice Guy! I acknowledge and accept, and own the fact that because of the choices I made or didn't make, I am in this predicament. Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy, and if it does, it comes at a price. I realize that. So I continue to fight the good fight, and though at times I fall and want to stay down, I force myself to get back up because if I give in, the demons win and my life remains the same.

Besides, I'm a sore loser.

Change is coming. Stay tuned...

JT In Da Houuuuuuuuuuuuuuse!

So confession time, I'm on the computer but have the tv on and am secretly waiting for Justin Timberlake to come out on Jay Leno! Yes, I really am! Stop laughing! Did I just make you throw up a little in your mouth? I can't help it! I don't know what it is about this guy but he's totally hot! I think he's very sexy and has this way about him that totally does it for me. Back in his boy band days, I wasn't a fan. It wasn't until Cry Me A River came out that I started to notice and the rest is history. There. That's my confession. So bloggers, who is your crush that you fantasize about? By the way, JT is just one of my crushes, wait until I tell you about my life long fantasy love affair with Andy Garcia! lol

I'd Like to thank the Blogcadamy...

Hello fellow bloggers!

Imagine my surprise when I logged on yesterday morning and found out that I had been given an award! My very first Blog Award! Yay me! :)
Thank you Adorkable for bestowing such an honor on me! lol I originally started this blog back in 2007 but wasn't really into it and kind of just forgot about it. Until this past summer. -My beginning of self-discovery and reassessments. I appreciate everyone's comments and encourage more! It helps me sort out the neurosis that is my life. Looking forward to improving my writing and enticing you with my words!

From what I've gathered by visiting other award blog recipients, I have to tell 7 things about myself that you might not have known and tag people that I think deserve this award. So without further ado,

7. Red is my signature color.
6. Rainstorms lull me to sleep.
5. I'm left-handed.
4. I love books.
3. I'm the oldest of four
2. I want to write for a living and leave this life sucking career of mine for good.
1. I am a secret agent. (ok not really, but my list was getting boring! lol)

And now for my nominees:

1. Israel Carrasco Monologue Jokes
2. Tales from a Loser
3. Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot
4. I Shoulda Been a Stripper
5. Confessions of Me

Blog on peeps! :)