Sunday, November 28, 2010

Empty Sex

In one of my last posts I told you I went to see "Love and Other Drugs"
on Friday night. Well, during one of the scenes in the movie, one of the characters is excited because he's just had "empty sex" for the first time ever and feels great about it. Meaning, no guilt, no remorse, he just feels downright giddy about the whole thing! Which got me to thinking about that particular term: Empty Sex. I know there is the art of "making love" and then there's just cold, uninhibited, lustful sex. -Fucking as it were. For me, I was a very late bloomer. I didn't actually start having sex until I was a whole lot older than any of you that's for sure! lol Anyway, I don't know if it was because of that little fact of my life or because I didn't know what the hell I was doing but my first sexual encounters were pretty um, what's the word? Oh yeah, PATHETIC! lol They were bad. It didn't help that the men I was with were assholes either. Well, in an effort to fix this little problem of mine, I sought out to get as much experience as necesary. i.e. I began having a lot of empty sex. And I was fine with that back then. I wasn't harming anyone, I was using protection and I was selective. I remember the first time I did it, I thought I would feel bad or guilty or start to develop feelings for the guy I was with, but I didn't. I wasn't attracted to him. Well wait, I was attracted to him enough to have sex with him but not for a relationship, does that make sense? Besides, we were both adults and well our needs were met. End of story. However, watching that movie on Friday night and the way the character goes on and on about how sex without commitment, without love or attraction even, is so great, just made me realize that I'm so glad I don't do that anymore. Because while that character felt good about it, the opposite occurred to me. The more I did it, the emptier and lonelier it felt. Don't get me wrong, the sexual encounters were fantastic! (With very few exceptions) But like the girl that I am, I yearned for more. Maybe this is where men and women differ. While men seemingly have to have it all the time, women tend to hold out a bit longer. I don't know. The last time I was with someone it was for love -on my part. But he didn't feel the same for me. And so even that, after a while, became torture for me and so it stopped. I know we are all human, I know we all have needs to be met, and believe me, I get just as aroused, just as frustrated, just as horny (I've never liked that word. I don't know why. It's just something I never liked to say. But I digress.) as any of you. But I'm now holding out for more. Doesn't necessarily make me a prude. Though someone I know told me it did. I'm just more careful, more selective and not a fan of empty sex anymore. Are you? If you are, tell me why and if you're not, tell me why not. And I'm not saying I'm all of a sudden a born again virgin or anything like that, far from it actually! lol And yeah, if the moment's right and the opportunity presents itself and I'm in the mood, you better believe I'm all over it!

Indulge me with your thoughts on this bloggers.


♥ The Lyrical Designer ♥ said...

hmm.. i dont think i can do it. Have empty sex that is. Its because ive never done it that way. And i guess i dont feel comfortable with it. All my times were within a relationship.
just curious.. but what was it that made you want more? and when did you decide that you wanted more... was it the guy? do tell!

Yvonne said...

The last person I was with, I was head over heels in love with. And going in, I knew he was not even remotely interested in me. But I wanted him so badly that I silenced all warning bells, signs going off in my head. I did this for years while basically waiting around to whenever he wanted to see me. But the more I saw him, the more I wanted. I wanted a relationship. I stopped doing that because it was driving me insane. To want someone so badly but not being able to have them completely. Do you follow? So anyway, I felt and still do feel, that I deserve it ALL not just morsels of attention and not "just sex." I hope you get what I'm trying to say! lol Shoot me an email if you don't and I'll try to explain myself better! :)

Cinderita said...

Yvonne, you are amazing. Thank you for sharing this. I'm happy to know you saw the movie too. That scene made me laugh out loud actually. He was so giddy because now he knew that the grass really wasn't any greener and he could go back to his wife. That was sweet and all, but let's face it, that kind of sex does true us up. There's something about having that kind of sex that liberates us as women. Women don't do that.

Okay, A little secret about me. When I turned 40, it was like suddenly I was 25...I wanted to have sex. Meaningless, all about me sex. So I did. I sought it out. I didn't go out to bars or anything, and I was very selective in how I found it. But it was always on my terms, and usually when it worked for me, and it was never more than a text away. I might be taking a huge chance here in sharing this but I was sleeping with 3 different people at the same time. Well not at the same time like a foursome. But like..I was having a lot of sex because I had 4 men to choose from. And it was awesome! I mean..AWEsome! I hadn't ever done that before. Like you, I had also had bad...some pretty pathetic sex. And at that point, I was heart broken and eager to move on. So, I had a lot of sex. I tried some new stuff, I got to live out some pretty AWESOME fantasies, and then I stopped. Just like that.

then I fell in love with someone at the Olympics and that was all she wrote. Now, I want to have sex again, but when I get real with myself, I am a relationship girl. I want to share my life with someone I can have really great sex with. so no more sex for me for now.

but that doesn't stop me from wondering what would happen if I sent that text message...

And Jake's crooked little smile...damn. I'd wanna sleep with him too.


Yvonne said...

Cinderita - You cracked me up! A "foursome"!!!! Ya, I hear what you're saying and I went through the same thing but when I turned
35. Now I'm 44 and while I'm still holding out -except for "HIM", I don't discount the idea of doing it all again. The whole, "I'm all about the sex" part! And you killed me with the "it was never more than a text away" SO TRUE!!!! :) Thanks for sharing and for reading! Oh and if Jake were to call me you most certainly better believe I'd do him in a heartbeat! lol

♥ The Lyrical Designer ♥ said...

i totally get it. And youre quite right. Thats how i see it too. a connection needs to be 100%. and it can be that only when there is full commitment. onesidedness only ends up wonky and messed in the head!

i dont think anyone can go for long without wanting and needing all that love has to offer. Physical and emotional security.

Shady Del Knight said...

I'm a 60 year old virgin and proud of it!

Just kidding - I'm NOT proud of it!

Just kidding - I'm actually 61.

(LOL) Okay, I'm busted. I'm NOT a virgin, but with lame jokes like that it's wonder I ever got to first base.

Apparently, I am the only male on the panel, Yvonne, and I know you're waiting for my patented "secrets from the enemy camp." I will be completely honest and serious from here on as I do my best to address this complex topic.

Empty sex? No way! I prefer dinner first! (Okay, I lied about no more jokes.)

As a teenager I felt a great deal of peer pressure to start having sex a.s.a.p. like all the other guys supposedly were doing. I was close to 18 when I finally had intercourse for the first time. The only thing I remember feeling as a result of it was inadequacy because I was worried about getting such a late start.

"Better laid than never," I guess you could say. DAMN! Another feeble attempt at humor!

In a misguided effort to run up the count of sex partners like I thought guys are supposed to do I went through a period in my early 30's (after my divorce) when I was very much a playa. I had sex with anything that moved. Correction: it didn't even have to move! I slept with a total of 40 women, most of them during a two year span. Even that made me feel inadequate, however, because I kept comparing my stats to those of people like Wilt Chamberlain who claimed he bedded 10,000 women. I know I sound shallow as hell but I'm telling you how my mind worked back then.

Although I was running wild there for a time my goal wasn't just to have "empty sex" as often as possible. A hopeless romantic, I always held out hope that a one night stand could evolve into a meaningful relationship. Few did.

The biggest problem I've had all my life is that I regard love and sex as polar opposites. I have never been able to reconcile the two. The more I love a woman the less I seem to want to have sex with her. Love, marriage, weddings, babies, kids, family - all of those things are lumped together in one "safe" category in my dysfunctional mind. Sex is in a completely different category because it is taboo, forbidden, dangerous, steamy, vulgar, sometimes even angry and violent. I hope I'm not putting any of you off with this. If so I apologize. I just wanted you to know how some (not all) men separate love and sex and that they don't always go hand in hand. Not very well worded here, Yvonne, but I think you can understand what I'm trying to say. It's complicated!

Yvonne said...

Shady - You're nuts! Oh and I require drinks first along with dinner! -A girl's gotta eat! lol -kidding. sort of. Thanks for your input. I wanted to hear more opinion's from the male species. I do understand what you so eloquently wrote. (see I can be sarcastic too!)


I always engage in empty sex mainly because the room is empty when it happens. No but seriously, I was never a "typical" guy in that I slept around. I usualy was in a relationship with the girl or felt a connection before I did the Butt Bongo Fiesta.

Yvonne said...

Israel -lol I knew I could count on you for a laugh!And I've never heard of the Butt Bongo Fiesta --nice! lol

Belle said...

I get what Shady meant about sex being more exciting when it was something I shouldn't have been doing. After I married my first husband my interest in sex went downhill. Sex was so cool when it was forbidden.

I guess I've changed. Married sex is great for me now.

I have never liked empty sex, it always meant a lot to me to sleep with a guy, even if it was on the first date. I was devestated when someone would be with me and then never call me again. All told, I have had sex with six men. Pretty low score I guess, but I'm happy with it.

Cinderita said...

Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question after Belle left her comment. I'm shocked no one has asked it yet.

So that 6 men at the same time? Or altogether?

Belle said...

One at a time - I'm sure that is all I could handle anyway.

My first husband and the boyfriend I had before my second husband wanted to go to swap parties (heaven knows what else they did) but I said, "NO!" I'd rather have a guy be jealous than want to share me. They were definately not the jealous type.

Yvonne said...

@cinderita -you beat me to it! i couldn't post from work but i so wanted to ask her! hahaha