Tuesday, January 20, 2015

20 Days in January

hello bloggies.  it's been a while.  i think this is the longest  i have gone without blogging, ever. almost two months. wow.  how is everyone?  i hope this first month of the new year has been kind to you.  as for me, well let's just say, it's been 20 days of "i want to give up".  not to be a debbie downer but i have not been this sad and distraught in a long, long, long time.  without getting into too many details, let's just say, i fell in love, right guy, wrong time.  of course there are people who would say,"if he was the right guy, then there would be no wrong time"  hmm, perhaps.  but no, it's exactly as i say.  we were one in the same, two peas in a pod, my ying to his yang.  meh, you know what i mean.  and while this has been a very painful time for me, i will never regret this past year.  not for anything.  i was very happy.  but now, i literally ache inside and at times feel i can't breathe.  needless to say, that ugly monster, "depression" reared it's ugly head. took advantage of the fact that i am in a vulnerable state.  and has tried (sometimes successfully) to drag me down that black hole again.  it's been so hard but i am much better today.  actually, today is the first day i have felt like myself and i didn't even cry once. that is huge people! huge  i tell you.

i've been doing a lot of self-reflection, an inventory of my life, if you will.  i'm 48, single, no children, not even a pet, in a pretty cool job but incredibly unhappy.  what is wrong with this picture?  all i know is  that 2015 is not going down like that for me.  i am going to finish mournng the loss of a beautiful friendship and love. i'm going to start living again because really, the alternative is just not what i want right now.  not for a long time.  i have many projects that need to be completed and i am going to spend time healing my spirit.  writing, will play a major part with that.  

so i'm getting a little excited about things again.  and soon, when i smile, it won't feel forced.  because if you know me, you know i've never "forced" a smile in my life.  until now. 

love and light to all of you.  and come back soon, i'll write something more palatable for you. i promise.

be good.