Monday, August 17, 2020

To Yvonne With Love

Dear Yvonne, I know things are not as you want them to be.  I know you are hurting in silence, for so many reasons that to list them, would take an eternity, and well, we just don't have that kind of time.  You are a good person.  You are a kind soul.  You worry too much about everyone, but yourself.  Family means everything to you and when one of them is hurting, you feel their pain too.  You always want to make things better for them, your loved ones, your friends, your coworkers, the stranger you spot on the street.  But that's you.  The essence of who you are.  Remember when people would tell you that you lit up a room whenever you walked in?  Or how you had an aura that drew people to you?  I know you never believed them but they were telling you the truth. You have always loved with your heart. Your love is real and intense. You never stop to analyze or question it, you just love.  Go hard or go home is the best way to describe it.  Like I said earlier, I know you have been hurting lately.  I just want you to know that it's ok to fall apart, it's ok if you don't "fix" everything.  It's even ok that you  feel like giving up at times.  But what is not okay, is to actually give up.  That's just not an option.  Not for you.  You are a beautiful soul and a gorgeous woman with an amazing heart.  There is too much for you to do with your life.  I just wanted to remind you of that because you keep forgetting.  Besides, if everything was easy, life would be boring.  Breathe Yvonne.  Deeply.  And exhale.  You're going to be just fine.                                                                                                                                        Sincerely,                                                                    Your inner-self 

Thursday, June 25, 2020

The Saga Continues

As much as I don't want to write about the Covid, I can't help but to do just that. 

It's surrounding us. 
Holding us hostage. 
Some will survive. 
Some will die. 

We can't escape it even though we try.  Oh how we try. 
Some deny it's very existence.
and become resisters and do not heed warnings.
Others still, do all that is asked and proceed with caution
and still
get sick

A sense of "normalcy" returns
Only to be interrupted again as a result of people being people.  As a result of us wanting to return the way we were

to roam the world
Able to go out and be with friends
Spend time with family
Hug them

I am a hugger and not being able to physically touch them all these months has been torture for me.  But my parents are elderly and I want them with me for a long, long, time.

I miss being able to do everyday things that we never even gave a second thought to before,
but now it's all we do. 
Second guess. 
Question ourselves.

Should I?
But what if?

How is this life?

Everything seems to be falling apart. 
My anxiety is eating away at me and at times I feel as if I can't breathe.

Being positive and staying prayerful is what saves me. 
But even that
sometimes falls short.


Saturday, June 20, 2020

A Post Not COVID-19 Related-Part Deux

The Aftermath

As you know (if you read my previous post)  I had a colonoscopy/endoscopy procedure on Friday afternoon.  In order for this to happen, I had to "prep" for it the day before.  Per my doctor's orders, I was not to eat or drink anything ALL DAY Thursday and I had to immediately begin drinking that oh so tasty concoction they call "The Prep", as soon as I got home from work.  Let me tell you something about that "prep", it is disgusting.  It's a clear liquid that comes in two 6 oz bottles.  I had pour one of the bottles into a 16 oz cup and mix it with water.  It smells like a combination of furniture cleaner and mildew.  I had to drink it Thursday evening and then again first thing in the morning.  This of course prepared your insides to be cleansed.  I'll spare you the details.

My procedure was scheduled for late in the afternoon, which meant that I was not to eat or drink anything that day either, until after everything was done.  Y'all I was beyond hangry when I got to the hospital for pre-op and although everyone was so nice and so attentive, I wanted to scream at them because they were moving at a snail pace and it was killing me.  The colonoscopy and endoscopy took all of 24 minutes.  Yes that's right boys and girls, 24 minutes, I asked.  The pre-op took almost two hours!  TWO.HOURS.  There was a lot of waiting and filling out of papers and signing my life away, and inserting the IV.  I swear I got pricked so many times I felt like I was a pin doll or something.  The best part was when they gave me the anesthesia. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist asking me if I was ok.   I was out like a light.  I woke up groggy, hungry and thirsty.  But I felt as if I had just taken the best "nap" in a long time.  

Test results were negative for cancer, thank God.  That was the main concern of my doctor and me of course.  She did find that I a minor issue in my stomach that they had to biopsy but she's not overly concerned about it and neither am I at this point.  I'm just glad that I don't have to do this again until ten LONG years from now.  The end of this saga in my life was kind of a letdown.  I kind feel like I should have at least been given a "I Survived A Colonoscopy and Endoscopy during a Pandemic" tee-shirt or something.  But no, I just got copies of the endless documents I had signed  and oh yes, pictures.  I almost forgot to mention that.  They give you frigging pictures of your colon and your butt inner things. Because who doesn't want to see those body parts up close and personal like that?  One word.  GROSS.  I took one look (a quick one) and put them away.  Not the kind of souvenir I like to collect.

One of the nurses asked me as she was discharging me, if I was going out to eat once I left the hospital.  I laughed and nodded yes but honestly, I was too groggy to do anything but sleep on my way home.  So my "feast" consisted of scrambled eggs and toast.  Best.Meal.Ever.  My tummy approved  :)

Words of advice to everyone, please take care of yourselves and listen to your body.  And even if you have to put on your big girl panties or big boy underwear, do it.  Take the tests.  Have the procedures.  Your life is too beautiful not to take care of it.  Yes, even during this crazy ass year of ours.  Life is beautiful.


Wednesday, June 17, 2020

A Post NOT about COVID-19

"I'll take a colonoscopy straight, with a splash of endoscopy, please bartender."  -Whoever heard of that concoction before ay?  I'll tell you who.  Me.  I'm not happy about it so I thought, "Hey, I know what will make me feel better, let me blog about it!"  That way you too, can take part in my misery.  You're welcome friends.  Oh don't act surprised or grossed out.  I've written about much more disgusting stuff before. 

It's true friends, my doctor has been hounding me ad nauseum for over a year to get this done.  Naturally, I did nothing of the sort and avoided it like the plague.  Unfortunately, recent issues presented themselves that forced me to face this crap.  -eh sorry for the unoriginal pun.  Fully intended of course.

But wait, there's more.  Not only did my doctor (who is awesome by the way) order the colonoscopy but also an endoscopy.  Mmm hmm.  She don't mess around.  When she told me, I started laughing.  Not because any of what she said was remotely funny, but because I laugh when I get nervous.  It's true.  I laugh uncontrollably sometimes.  It's gotten me into trouble more times than not.  But I digress.

The good doc reassured me that both procedures are easy-peasy and that the worst part is drinking that nasty concoction that I mentioned in the beginning of this mumbo jumbo of mine.  Yep.  I've asked many a friend who have had this done and all but one confirm that the "cleansing" drink  is by far the worst of the entire ordeal.  My friend Suzy. (the one) she said for her, the worst part was not being able to eat before the procedure.  Different strokes for different folks I guess.  But food IS important.  :)

My day of reckoning is this Friday at 2;30 p.m. 

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not scared.  I mean, sure I've survived several hurricanes, a few tornados, couple of floods in my lifetime but anytime I have to be put under and probed, I lose my Wonder Woman bad-assery and turn into a big ol' baby.  Yep.  Even at 53 (and holding).  What? It happens.  I don't know to who else but it happens.

It sucks getting older.  There I said it.  It really does.  Before I turned 50, NOTHING ached but it seems the minute I woke up on my 50th year around the sun, I broke and I have not been the same since.  But I keep trying.  And as long as I do that, I think I will be just fine.

If you have read this far, you're the real MVPs.  Really. 

If you are of the praying kind, I would appreciate a prayer for my procedure to go well and for everything to be ok with me.  Thank you.

A few more randoms:  I miss baseball.  I miss my Astros.  I hate COVID-19.  2020 can suck a big one.  Politics suck.  I hate hate.  I detest racism.  I loathe liars.  I am sad for our country.  But I really, really miss the Astros.

Good night.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

after midnight thoughts

breathe in
breathe out
and again

i'm scared
i'm tired
i'm frustrated
i'm anxious
i'm worried

hi bloggies.  it's been a long while since i have written anything.  get ready because i am making up for lost time.

nothing is the same.  nothing will ever be the same.  the days overlap into each other,  no one is sure what day of the week it is.  we are no longer in a hurry to get anywhere. time is all we have now.

i've not dealt with something like this before, as i imagine, all if not most of you, haven't either.  what a weird time we are living in, eh kids?  it's like we are in our own apacolyptic movie except that instead of fighting off zombies, extraterrestrials and the like, we are fighting a virus.  an invisible, visible virus.  how the hell do we fight that?  i watched contagion over the weekend just for kicks and maybe a few tips but meh, i got nothing.  what's happening in our world today is downright unbelievable  never in my life could i have ever imagined something like this taking place.  and yet, here we are.

my heart breaks for the loss of life all over the world as a result of covid19.  my heart also breaks for all of the doctors and nurses who are working their ass off for me, for you, for all of us.  thank you can never be enough.  not to forget our police and firefighters and emts.  they are the real mvps.

how incredibly messed up our country is right now.  this pandemic has brought out the crazy in just about all of us.  it sucks not being able to see and hug family, friends and even strangers if i'm being honest.  it sucks that baseball season is in limbo.  i miss baseball so much.  i miss alot of things so much.  isn't it ironic how we had all of this freedom to go anywhere we wanted and do whatever we wanted and in a span of days even hours, all that stopped.  just like that. 

another thing this stupid virus has caused is depression.  that ugly monster of mine has reared it's ugly head once again and this time, it's winning.  i just can't get it together emotionally.  thank God I am working and have to actually go into the office.  i don't know what i would do if i had to work from home.  i guess working for city government and being considered an essential employee pays off after all.  kidding. not really.

the silver lining that i have witnessed over and over again during these chaotic times, is that disasters even as unprecedented as this one, tends to bring out the best in people.  the kindness and selfless acts i have witnessed lately is heart-warming and worthy of alot of ugly cries.  at times giving me the warm and fuzzy feelings all over.  you see bloggies?  people are not as heartless as they pretend to be.  wait.  let me rephrase that.  not all people are as heartless as they claim to be and that gives me hope.

have y'all been drinking way more than usual since all of this started?  i for one have been steadily contributing to our failing economy by spending my pennies buying alcohol as if i was having a huge party. (every week) well i am in a way, a party for one.  wine and vodka (not to be consumed together, unless you're into that kind of headache) are my poison. what's yours?

speaking of dating, this social distancing jazz and city shut down has put a damper on my dating life.  if i had one that is.  how is your dating life or marriage life going?  do tell.  really. i'm bored out of my mind. 

well bloggies i must bid adieu.  it's been a long day and 6:00 a.m. comes awfully fast -just like a man. haha, i crack myself up.

be well everyone.


Sunday, March 22, 2020


eyes locked on each other
we do not look away
not speaking
yet saying volumes
my lips quiver
aching for yours
it's late and raining
we are soaked but do not move

we stand there
body to body
oblivious to the world

if only you could read my mind...
say it
tell me you love me
say it

you take my face in your hands
and kiss me
a hard, explosive kiss
feeding our hunger
one for the other

and there, amidst the stormy night
you say, "you're everything i ever wanted"
"you are my peace and i love you!" 
"i love you and i'm never leaving you again"

we break from our embrace
and begin laughing as we
walk not run, from the rain

fingers intertwined.

*I've tried but failed miserably to write about what's going on in our world today.  So I turned to love.  Love makes the world go round.  I hope you enjoy it.  Be well bloggies.  


Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Happy Birthday Dad!

My dad turned 80 years old two weeks ago. Eighty.  Wow, I remember when he turned 50 and mom threw him a big surprise party (they were still married at the time).  I remember thinking that he was so old back than.  And here I am now, 53 feeling anything but old.  Life has a sarcastic sense of humor.

My brothers and my sister and I had threw him a party to end all parties.  I mean, from the succulent dinner that my sister-in-law spent all day cooking, to the full stocked bar (oh we drink in my family!) and the music for dancing...  Suffice it to say, he was very happy to have all of his kids, the grandkids, family and close friends together.  We partied like it was 1999 -for real y'all!  The party shut down right before sunrise.  As the party went on, I couldn't help but reflect on my dad.  The first man I ever loved.  He is not perfect and has made mistakes along his journey.  Our relationship is a very complicated one.  We've had our issues.  But he's my dad and I love him, faults and all.  If you're fortunate enough to still have your parents in your life, tell them you love them, often.  Laugh with them.  I promise it's totally worth it.

Life is good and then it's bad, and then it's good again.  I take my time now with my aging parents.  I try not to rush whatever it is we are dong at the time.  It's almost as if I am inhaling, savoring each and every second of my time with them.  Ever since my mom's stroke back in September, I've taken this approach to life and it works for me.  Hopefully, for you as well.

Now, everyone knows that the centerpiece, the main attraction of a birthday party is THE CAKE right?  Oh come on, you know it's true.  Well, turning 80 years old is an incredible milestone so I found it only fitting to get my daddy an impeccable cake.  This cake had "Nicaraguan Frank Sinatra" written all over it.  That's his nickname since I can't even remember when.  All his friends and family named him that because he loves to sing and because my dad could (still can) charm the hell out of anyone.  He's very debonair.  So I chose this cake for him because it represented everything I just described. And yes, it was delicious!   Check it out ↓

To Yvonne With Love

Dear Yvonne, I know things are not as you want them to be.  I know you are hurting in silence, for so many reasons that to list them, would ...