Sunday, November 18, 2018

My Heart is Full

A grateful heart.   That's what I have.  For all the problems, personal issues, family drama, work drama that is going on in my life right now, my heart remains grateful.  In a time when people have seemingly lost their ever loving minds, and spewing hate and vitriol seems the norm, I have managed to remain grateful even though it's proven to be a daunting task at times.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Thanksgiving week and  I find it only fitting that I remind myself (maybe even you) of what is truly important and how fortunate, how blessed I am.  But I'm only human.  Sometimes, I get caught up in myself and my world that anything that occurs outside of it, goes unnoticed, or gets noticed but is soon forgotten.  And for that I am so sorry.  Every day I am reminded that life is so fleeting.  This year alone has seen a few of my friends pass away, deal with cancer, deal with divorce.  And I watch the news report on the fires in California and realize that only by the grace of God, I am spared such a tragedy.  I drive around the city and go through a random underpass and see the homeless milling about, their temporary, self-made paper tents  strewn among countless others.  And as I drive away, I thank God that I am not in their circumstance and thank him also for my home and my abundant blessings.  I'm far from perfect and am not a holy-roller.  I am a huge sinner -let's not even pretend that I'm not.  But I  have faith.  Alot of faith.  I rely on that for strength, for sustenance, for everything.  I know that Thanksgiving will come and go and then everyone will be on the Christmas countdown.  But I will try very hard to remain grateful.  To remain humble and to give thanks for all that I have and all that I don't have.  My Catholic faith is a huge part of my life.  But it's not for everyone, I get that.  And that's ok.  Find your strength, your grateful heart and your hope in whatever way works for you.  Because if we don't have that, we don't have anything.

I wish all of you an amazing Thanksgiving.  Lots of turkey and ham and pies.  Hopefully not too much indigestion (heh) but mostly, I wish you love and time well spent with your families, your loved ones, your frenemies and yourselves.  And I ask you to please be kind to one another.  You don't have to like each other, but you could at least be kind to one another.  Be the bigger person.  Politics and party affiliations be damned.  Remember, we're all in this together.

Gobble-gobble everybody!


Saturday, October 13, 2018

Baseball, Astros and Mindless After-hours Jibberish

It's been a long week.  Ever since the Houston Astros clinched the division, it's been a long week.  It's 12:30 a.m. now, so only a few more hours until game time.  Am I excited? Uh, do you even know me??? (if you are a longtime follower, you do)  I'm nervous and excited and anxious for the series against the Boston Red Sox to begin.  It's not that I doubt my team, no that's not it.   Being a long time Astros fan and witnessing season after season of gut-wrenching losses, takes a toll even on the most loyal fan you know? And even though we are still the reigning World Series Champions and have a chance of repeating,  I still think we suffer from PTSD.  No one gets it unless you are from Houston and a fan of any of our sports teams. -Don't get me started. Nonetheless, I'm a die-hard Astros fan and a firm believer that our boys will take this series and then take the prize in the next one. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed.  Ok maybe not the eyes so much.  Heh.  

One of my co-workers is very superstitious.  He is also a super crazed fan of the Astros.  He wore the same socks the entire Cleveland Indians series.  And he says that when the Astros advance to the World Series, he will not shave until the last out of the last game of the series.  Because that's what he did last year and we won.  I didn't go to that extreme.  All I did was sit in the same spot each game. If we were at a bar, I sat at the same table in the same chair.  If we watched at someone's house, I sat in the same position the entire game and drank the same amount of beverages liquor as the night before. Because you know, the outcome of the game was on my shoulders. Ok, reading what I just wrote does sound kind of weird. Perhaps I'm more extreme than I thought?

How about you?  Any superstitions or rituals you have before or during a game?  It doesn't have to be for this series, just in general. Share with me.

I'm super excited and can't wait for the first pitch!  


Saturday, June 23, 2018

Am I In the Twilight Zone?

There's just no other way to say this.  So here it goes: "What the fuck is going on America?"  I mean, really.  What.the.fuck.  It's not a secret to those that know me, that I am not a Donald Trump supporter.  I'm not one to hide my feelings and I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  But lately, I found myself becoming quieter and quieter.  Not giving an opinion on current events.  Not for lack of interest, no.  More for keeping the peace with family and friends alike, even with strangers both in person and behind the computer screen.  But you know, one can only take so much.  One can only stomach so much bullshit before they I explode.  And did I ever.  Of course, I am rambling about the current immigration chaos going on at the borders in our country.  The zero tolerance law that Trump enforced back in April of this year.  The topic that has been played over and over and over and over again on the radio, on the news outlets, on DJT's go to, Twitter and of course, good ol' Facebook.  I was in line at a local grocery store a few days ago and two people in front of me, both were different nationalities, got into a heated discussion about the current president and his administration.  I was behind one of them and I got out of line because those fools were about to go to blows and I, well I wanted no part of it.  That wasn't the ugly part.  Well it was but it got uglier.  How is that possible you ask?  Well, because the others waiting in line, started cheering for one or the other to fight. They were encouraging violence.  Did you get that?  It was like I was in the middle of a street fight gone bad, instead of the local grocery store.  Nothing happened, thankfully.    Security was called and life resumed.  I walked out of the store feeling more dejected than anything.  How is this possible?  How can so much hate be walking amongst us?  Such things happened in the past and lifetimes ago, not now.  Not in 2018.  At least, that's what I kept saying to myself in my head.  It's not just that incident at the grocery store that has me feeling angry and sad and helpless.  It's also the fact that there are so many people in this country who would rather turn their nose at innocent children who are incarcerated in CAGES for gawd sake, than help them or try to speak up for them. Now, I know that some of you out there will vehemently disagree with me.  And that's fine.   That's your right to do so.  We can agree to disagree.   Yet there are others who vehemently oppose my views on this topic and  all hell breaks loose.  Names, ugly and vile names are spewed, insult after insult.  All because we disagree.  You know, I get it.  When it comes to religion, politics and oh hell, anything you feel strongly about, emotions and our passion takes over.  I'm guilty of this as well.  But I won't go toe for toe with you if you are being ugly.  I don't do ugly.  I don't do stupid either.  If you are going to debate me, do so with facts, not memes or videos that may or may not be altered. I like to debate, sometimes I have to eat crow because I am wrong.  Sometimes not.  The thing is, instead of trying to help fellow man, we beat each other up.  Why??? What is the end result of that? I'll tell you what it is, nothing.  That's the result. Nothing. All I know is that I cannot sit back quietly while those kids are out there helpless, in a foreign country (to them), not able to fend for themselves.  I just can't. And so, I become active and attend rallys and protests in efforts to stop the opening of yet another "Baby Shelter".  They want to open one here in my city.  Actually, really close to where I work.  But no way am I going to not do something, anything to try and stop them.  Even if we fail, at least we tried to help.   I've been to three so far.  Protests.  They have been interesting to say the least. And peaceful.  A few crazies among the groups or we're met with opposition from time to time but nothing has gotten out of hand.  Not yet and hopefully not at all.

I'm sick and tired of being called out, sometimes by my own family, for having and voicing an opinion.  I'm tired of being silent.  Of bowing my head whenever something happens.  Over this week and most of last week, I've seen and heard things from so called friends and acquaintances that leave me speechless.  And that's hard to do. -gotta keep the humor going.  I even let myself get caught up in the proverbial Facebook discussion about DJT's abhorrent decision to separate children from their families.  It wasn't pretty, friends.  Not pretty at all.  But because of that so called discussion, I was able to see people's true colors.  Their essence, if you will.  Like I said, it was not pretty.  I quickly removed myself from the situation, but not before damage had been done.  By both sides.  I felt almost dirty afterwards.  As if I had done something terrible.  But, I hadn't.  I just voiced my opinion and came to the defense of the defenseless.  How could that be wrong?

After the last presidential election, I thought to myself, "Surely, this is the worst of the worst."  Well, Surely, was wrong.  -again with lame attempt at humor.  Work with me people.

Now I know, I know we don't live looking out through rose colored glasses -maybe just a few, and we don't walk in harmony all day errday but can we agree that ugly has reared it's disgusting head and has a death grip on us?  If you don't agree with me, that's fine.  Just don't try and convince me that I am on the "wrong" side of the fence with my beliefs.  As I told someone today,  this is still America and I have the right that freedom of speech gives me, to speak my mind, not yours, to be as passionate as I want to be with my beliefs, to stand up to injustice(s) and have differing opinions from yours and at the end of the day, still meet you maybe for a drink or lunch or take in a movie.  Just because we may disagree, does not make us enemies.  Well, theoretically anyway.

Maybe I should have stopped at glass of wine number 1 before I started writing this.  But I'm on glass of wine number 4 and well, you see the end result.

It's been fun kids, until next time.


Sunday, March 11, 2018

the heart knows best -sometimes

sometimes it's best to just follow your heart
no questions asked
no guilt
because sometimes,
the end result is bliss
and it quiets the voices
telling you not to do it
heart is still broken
but healing
am smiling

Monday, March 5, 2018

Heart and Soul

You know what sucks about breaking up with not only your lover but also your best friend?  What sucks is that the very person you are crying your eyes out over, is the very person that you want to pick up the phone and call to talk it out with.  

It's messed up really.  But there it is.

It has been years, YEARS, since I have broken up with someone.  And let me tell you, it's still gut-wrenchingly painful.  -Is gut-wrenchingly even a word?  I'm too lazy to open a new window to find out.  

But I digress.

The thing is I had been thinking of doing it for a while now.  I just couldn't find the courage to do it and also, didn't want to do it.  I mean, I am in love with this man.  But for reasons known only to us, I had to let him go.  I don't even know where I found the backbone to finally do it.  But I did.  It was like trying to remove a Band-Aid from your skin and at first you're very careful in the way you start trying to peel it off, because let's be honest here, that crap hurts.  But then all of a sudden this wave of courage takes over and you just pull that sucker right off.  Pain be damned.  Well, that's kind of what happened to me last night.  I just yanked that Band-Aid right off.  Had I stayed the course of the careful nurse, I would have lost my nerve and I wouldn't be writing sappy poetry and annoying lovelorn posts.  But this is what I do.  Some people eat their pain away, some people drink their pain away.  Me?  I write sappy poetry or retrospective gibberish.  Oh who am I kidding?  A glass of wine or two  three may or may not have been consumed tonight.

No regrets though.  Not for this girl.  If given the chance to do it over again, I would jump at the chance and change nothing.  A love that real and so beautiful, is worth all the other bullshit that comes with it.

Going in to work today was tough.  I had cried most of the night and my eyes, no matter how much make-up I packed on, were still red and puffy.  I chalked it up to bad allergies. Which in reality, is not far from the truth.  The pollen count here is out this world right now.  I avoided eye contact at all costs and just kind of hid in my office for eight hours.  Tomorrow hopefully, will be a little better.  Or a lot worse.  Not good odds there at all.

Oh my gawd.  I feel like a lovelorn teenager. Truly, I'm kind of embarrassed about it.  But it can't be helped.  I'm heartbroken and I write when I am dying inside.  

One of my closest friends recommended I put used teabags over my eyes to reduce the swelling.  First I said, "Ewe!" and then I said, "We're out of effing teabags."

If you're still reading this, thank you.  If you gave up, I understand and no hard feelings.

I think I've written enough for tonight.  Six a.m. comes awfully quick.

Until next time lovelies.



i can't breathe
the tears won't stop 
my mind is reeling
and my heart is broken

it was the best time of my life
and now
it is my worst

and even though i had to let you go
i regret nothing

i will love again
this i know.

but for now,

sadness cradles me.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Wedding Bells -Not Mine.

Last night I went to my cousin's wedding.  It was beautiful, intimate, emotional and there was lots of dancing.  It was a such a fun wedding.  My feet reminded me how much fun, this morning.  Oh and? I caught  the proverbial bouquet.  The funny in that is that I am the last remaining single gal in our family.  Lets think about that shall we?  The  That's quite a title to uphold but I've managed to do it well my entire adult life.  My siblings, all married.  My cousins, (as of last night) all married (some for second and third times).  So when it was time for the bride to throw her bouquet, of course all of my family forced me to go up to the dance floor.  I reluctantly stood up and walked the plank -I mean walked to the dance floor.  It was filled with all of the other single ladies.   As luck would have it,  I caught it.  You would have thought the Astros were playing Game 5 of the World Series again, the way my entire family erupted in cheers, claps and whistles.  Seriously.  I was a bit embarrassed.  Ok, ok, ALOT embarrassed.  I'd never caught a wedding bouquet before.  Mostly because I usually do not partake in the whole wedding ritual.  So I was surprised when that thing came flying straight at me.  Like I said, it was fun.  But now, the jokes are non-stop. 

Them:"When's the wedding?"  
Me: "The future?"
Them: "Who is the lucky guy?"
Me: "As soon I meet him, I will let you know"

And of course, my Facebook friends and family are having a blast with it as well.  I have a girlfriend that is getting married in a few weeks and she said she would not even throw her bouquet but instead just give it to me.  That made me laugh.

Later that night as I was driving home a frightening thought came to mind,  Thanksgiving and Christmas this year will suck if I don't take anyone to our family gatherings.  And by suck, I mean suck for me.  I will be probed and prodded by my family on why I am still not engaged or married or pregnant. 

Someone really needs to up the ante and start a rent a fiance store.  

Cheers to a new week!