Tuesday, January 20, 2015

20 Days in January

hello bloggies.  it's been a while.  i think this is the longest  i have gone without blogging, ever. almost two months. wow.  how is everyone?  i hope this first month of the new year has been kind to you.  as for me, well let's just say, it's been 20 days of "i want to give up".  not to be a debbie downer but i have not been this sad and distraught in a long, long, long time.  without getting into too many details, let's just say, i fell in love, right guy, wrong time.  of course there are people who would say,"if he was the right guy, then there would be no wrong time"  hmm, perhaps.  but no, it's exactly as i say.  we were one in the same, two peas in a pod, my ying to his yang.  meh, you know what i mean.  and while this has been a very painful time for me, i will never regret this past year.  not for anything.  i was very happy.  but now, i literally ache inside and at times feel i can't breathe.  needless to say, that ugly monster, "depression" reared it's ugly head. took advantage of the fact that i am in a vulnerable state.  and has tried (sometimes successfully) to drag me down that black hole again.  it's been so hard but i am much better today.  actually, today is the first day i have felt like myself and i didn't even cry once. that is huge people! huge  i tell you.

i've been doing a lot of self-reflection, an inventory of my life, if you will.  i'm 48, single, no children, not even a pet, in a pretty cool job but incredibly unhappy.  what is wrong with this picture?  all i know is  that 2015 is not going down like that for me.  i am going to finish mournng the loss of a beautiful friendship and love. i'm going to start living again because really, the alternative is just not what i want right now.  not for a long time.  i have many projects that need to be completed and i am going to spend time healing my spirit.  writing, will play a major part with that.  

so i'm getting a little excited about things again.  and soon, when i smile, it won't feel forced.  because if you know me, you know i've never "forced" a smile in my life.  until now. 

love and light to all of you.  and come back soon, i'll write something more palatable for you. i promise.

be good.

Friday, November 28, 2014

to love someone

to love someone

the mere thought of you
makes me smile all over
until today
now my heart just aches

i close my eyes and see your face
the sound of your voice, your laughter
rings in my ear and plays out in my mind
over and over

when we are together i never want to leave
and when we are apart
i feel a part of me is missing

i love you in the most honest
and innocent way possible
i always will

when you think of me
as i know you will
i hope your heart smiles too

Sunday, November 23, 2014

love hurts

the fact of the matter is
i fell in love
the cruel reality?
he's not for me

letting go of someone
is hard
no doubt

letting someone go
because loving them
causes more pain
than not loving them,
is painful in a way
that is indescribable

and mere words
are not enough
to make you understand

tears flowing
my insides feel
ripped open
i  can't breathe
my heart hurts

Sunday, November 9, 2014

November -Where did the time go?

Sunday evening, a beautiful sunset is taking place and I'm doing what I love -writing.  I've been away for a while, not for any particular reason other than I have had no interest whatsoever in writing.  At all.  Which is sad really, because I love to write.  This blog is my escape and my sanity in troubled times, in happy times and in times in between all of that.  But for reasons that escape me, I suddenly woke up and did not feel like forming a sentence or plotting a story or anything.  I just didn't want to feel any type of emotion.  Weird isn't?  I know, I know.  I think what triggered it were changes in my life, not all of them good.  Well, truth be told, none of them good.  And then there was the horrible car accident I had in September.  That's when I totally lost it.  Literally.  I became depressed and I was in pain from my injuries, my work suffered and I saw myself falling into that black hole I've spoken about many times before, in this blog.  The ugly "monster" aka depression, was peering it's ugly head at me again and this time, I almost succumbed to it.  Almost.  I didn't let it win, I refused to be taken down that hole again, I scratched and clawed my way out.  But let me tell you, it was hard.  Harder than the last time even.  Many times, I just gave up.  I felt my spirit dying.  But then, deep inside of me I saw a flicker of light, of hope.   It reminded me that this was not the way I wanted to go, that this "monster" was not bigger than me and that I would beat it again.  And I did.  It's been a long and exhausting two months for sure.  But I'm getting better every day.  I'm much stronger than I was and feel confident that I'm going to be just fine.  Depression is a bitch, no lie.  But with the help of my family and my friends and my faith, I am coming around again.  My skeptic acquaintances that know about my current struggle, question the validity of my "condition" -as they put it.  "But you're out all the time"  or "But you're smiling  and laughing all the time, how can you be depressed?"  It's true, I'm not denying that.  Just as there are functioning alcoholics, there are also functioning depressed people in this world.  A lot of them.  So don't be so quick to judge and make assumptions because you have no idea what I go through every day, just to get out of bed and try and be "normal" for the masses and myself.  I've had episodes in the past where I would not leave my house for months or refused to be anywhere alone for fear I would die and no one would find me.  Those  were the most difficult times for me, but I got through them.  This time, I 'm much older and I'm not sure if age plays a factor in this or not, but this time it was 100 times worse for me to pull through.  But I am, pulling  through every day.  I finally feel like myself again.  And my craving for writing has returned.  Which to me, is pure happiness.  It really is.  I've missed reading and commenting on everyone's blogs also.

Well that's it in a nutshell, in case you were wondering about me.  But enough of that.

Moving on.

I turned 48 in October. heh.  I know, I can't believe it.  I'm almost 50 and it's driving me insane -literally. heh.  It's all good though, I still don't feel "48" and that's all that matters.  Halloween came and went and though I didn't dress up this year (first time in almost ten years), I did manage to go to at least one party and take part in scaring kids as they came up to ask for candy.  And now, Thanksgiving is a couple of weeks away and wow, just like that the year is about over.  Incredible isn't it? As I  get older, the years just pass by faster and faster...

So tell me bloggies, what has been happening in your corner of the world?

It's Sunday kids, do me a favor, go out and laugh and enjoy the week.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

september: in with a bang! literally...

As the title of this post says, September did indeed come in with a bang and then some.  I was involved in a car accident on Wednesday afternoon.  For the most part, I'm fine.  I mean, I have very ugly looking bruises all over my body, my neck has a few lacerations, hurts like a b****! And my arm is killing me.  I'm grateful for pain medication.  But as I said, for the most part, I'm fine.  Thank God.  My car on the other hand, is not.  It died instantly.  I watched it fall apart before my eyes, pieces falling off, smoke coming out of it, it was painful to watch.  We had a good run, albeit a short one.  But alas, life goes on.

In other news, I have recently come to the realization that the Love bug has it out for me.  Seriously. Otherwise, how else can you explain how it keeps playing dirty tricks on me?  Latest trick?  Letting me meet a wonderful and exceptionally sweet and kind man.  Dangling him in front of me, letting me fall for him only to learn, that we met at the  wrong time in our lives.  Timing is everything.  Apparently, I keep sleeping through the alarm.  As I let out a deep sigh, I lick my wounds and go on with life.  After all? The alternative would be death and I'm just not ready for that yet.  heh.

Friends and family have been so great about checking on me and making sure I was ok.  The fact is, I have a lot of people in my  life that love me and care for and worry for me.  And my  cup overflows.  I have nothing to be down about.  I'm richer beyond whatever worth money could ever bring me.  Not going to lie though, a few Benjamins in my pocket would be nice, but if that never happens, I am still wealthy in love and family and friends.  Who could ask for more?

It's Saturday afternoon kids, make it a great one.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

Hello September

Greetings and salutations bloggies.  I'm not sure who still reads this little blog of mine but in the off chance that someone is out there, I thank you.  :)

I've been quiet for a while dealing with life and all that it throws at us.  Some things have been heavier and harder to deal with than others but the chaos that is my life, is slowly returning back to normal.  And by normal, I mean "less crazy".

September is here.  Wow, where did the summer go?  I for one, had a great summer.  The ending may have sucked a little bit for me, but all in all it was a great one.  But now it's time to focus on the beginning of  Fall.  Yes we have that season here in Houston.  Well, some days we do and some days it's still Summer.  But on those days that we have it, we love it.  Or I do anyway.  The air is crisp, the leaves change colors, the season of festivals and football  begins. Good times ahead.

So tell me kids, what's been going on with you?   How was your summer? I've missed you guys.  Let's reconnect.  :)

As always, thanks for dropping by and get ready to be bombarded with more mindless posts, sappy love poems and anything else that forms in my head.  I'll think it and you'll read it.  -You're welcome.

And because I love this song and well it's September, I thought I'd share this with you...

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

let's talk sex instead

can't write
want to
just can't

words escape me
they are running around
in my head
but I can't seem to coax
them out
so i write about sex instead.  or lack of.  what is this "sex" thing that I hear you people go on about anyway?  hmm, i vaguely remember, vaguely...

I wait for you
in bed
You walk in and join me
I am anxious
and ready

You smile at me
brush the hair out of my face
My body reacts to your touch
however minute it was

We kiss softly

Ok, no we don't

We kiss hard

hands roaming

breaths heavy
soft moans

Feelings of ecstasy take over

We are one 
in sync 
our bodies find their rhythm
and they play
and they play
until the crescendo erupts

And we lay there

but deliriously happy

so how did I do? :)