Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Weepy Wednesday Night...

Not feeling the excitment or anticipation for the coming year. Guess I have the post-Christmas blues. I dunno. Thinking about the future has always scared me. Maybe because I'm afraid of failing, yet again. Or setting unrealistic goals so I never reach them. I guess that's it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many different things. Some time ago, I wrote a post about how I don't always like being the "cheerleader" or "Pollyanna" of the bunch. How I want someone else to take over that role and be my Pollyanna. Well, it's kind of like I'm feeling tonight. There is so much crap going on in my life, my family's life. I wish I could just blink it all away and make everyone happy and not suffer. But I can't do that. And actually, at this moment I can't even make myself happy. How am I suppose to do it for anyone else? I'm typing through the flood of tears that are falling down my face. But I can't stop. You see, thinking about the future, forces me to look at the past. And while I've made incredible improvement this year and survived with my sanity intact, I can't shake the person that I USED to be from the person that I WANT to be. Does that even make sense? It's like I'm sabotaging my own success, my own life. Ugh! This wasn't supposed to be a "boo-hoo" post. Sigh, once again, I will rely on my faith, my friends, my family and my drive to be a better version of myself. That's all I can do.

And for now, that's as good as it gets.

7 comments:

Belle said...

Yvonne, I have always hated New Years. I always think, "Oh no, another fucking year. Yahoo."

My daughter Christine feels she fails all the time. She got into debt for thousands of dollars to be a nurse and then found out she can't handle the death and the stress. Then she blew a disc in her back. Her nerves are shot (she told me she is afraid she is becoming like me, and I'm afraid she is right) and she had to quit her job teaching nursing because her boss was a total psycho. Lord, life is hard. But Oh, we are all supposed to look forward to 2011. OK, that is my New Years rant.

The best thing is you survived this year with your sanity intact. Good for you. I always feel like I'm holding on by my fingernails. I'm afraid I slipped a few notches this year. Let's hope we can hold on together, Yvonne.

Shady Del Knight said...

Blogger friends like Belle and me are here to be your Pollyannas and your cheerleaders, Yvonne. Each of us has a host of problems and regrets but if we all stick together we will continue to reap the benefits of a strong support system. Like any other year 2011 is bound to bring some challenges our way; but there will also be new opportunities and times of great joy as long as we are receptive to them.

It has been a great pleasure getting to know you this year, Yvonne, and following your fascinating life here on your blog. I wish you a very happy new year!

Cinderita said...

I'll join Belle and Shady and be your Pollyanna. People like us need people like us to cheer us on. That's why we're here. YOu have brightened my life more than you know. Keep being awesome and I'll keep cheering for you!! (I'll cheer for you even if you're not awesome, but I think you know what I mean.). xo

Robin said...

I know that you are not feeling the joy right now. But, this, too shall pass. Whenever I become focused on the past, it gets me as well. We have no power in the past. It is over. In fact, the only place we have any power is in the present. I do think it is healthy to practice creative visualization so that you know what you want. However, the future is just that... the future. Your power is all in the now. When you fully embrace that you can use visualization as power in the now. Learn the lessons from the past, but don't dwell there. The excitement, the possibility, the promise of all things good is in the now.

Average Girl said...

Awww dear sweet lovely wonderful Yvonne! I just want to Hug you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooo

Yvonne said...

All -

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and your advice and sharing anectdotes of your life with me. I appreciate all of you! I am very grateful for all of you becoming a part of my blog world.

xoxo

Clipped Wings said...

I haven't read your blog before, so I don't know the improvements and what you improved from, but I do know how hard it it to change how we feel and think. I've been through it, and it was not easy for me. Sometimes we can be our own worse enemy, and it's hard not letting things or people pull us back down to where we never want to go again. I think you'll be alright. You know where you've been, and where you want to be. Life drags us down for a bit, but you'll pull yourself back up. Just believe in yourself, and try to always be your best friend. Hope you perk up soon.
Best wishes from another Yvonne.