Ran into an old friend tonight. The kind of "friend" that didn't quite make it to "boyfriend" status but couldn't be put in the "just friends" status either. Kind of a limbo "almost boyfriend"??? Sigh, he was also the kind of "old friend" that used to give me butterflies in the pit of my stomach each time I saw him -like tonight. Butterflies still fluttering
-no matter that I haven't seen him in almost two years. Too bad I had just left the gym, was drenched in sweat and looked a mess! Ugh! I hate when that happens!!! I needed a few things from the store so I made an impromtu stop on my way home and literally ran into him at the entrance. He was walking out and I was sprinting my way in and that's when I collided into him. "I'm sorry!!!" I sputtered as I bent down to pick up my purse that I had dropped in the collision. He bent down at the same time and that's when we got a look at each other. "Yvonne!" ---"Gustabo!" (from now on all of my male "characters" will be named "Gustabo" to protect the innocent and the not so innocent
-hehehe) Immediately my heart started pounding. Not in the "OMG I'm having a heart attack kind of way, but in the "OMG, OMG, OMG!" kind of way. And there we stood, at the entrance of the local Walgreens. We moved out of the way and off to the side of the store. We proceeded to talk for about an hour! We reminisced, asked how each of our familes were doing, asked how our significant others were doing.
Him: "What? You're not dating anyone?"
Me: "No, no I'm not."
Him: "Why not? I thought you would be married by now!"
Me in my head thinking: "Really? Why is that???
Me: "Ha, no, I'm just you know, enjoying life."
Me in my head: "Enjoying life? Really? That's the best you could do???
This pleasant exchange goes on for a while longer. He tells me I look great (ever the polite Gustabo!) and we should definitely keep in touch. He goes in for the "hug" but I warn him that I'm well, sweaty, exlain my visit to the gym, etc. He tells me to quit being silly and give him a hug. Which I do. Immediately I remember why I used to love hugging him so much. It's because he gave GREAT hugs! Not the half-ass hugs that more than a few Gustabos I know give. No, this Gustabo gave full body, hold on for dear life hugs. The kind of hug that lingered with you for days.
And just like that, he walked to his car and I walked into the store.
Shopping was blur after that.
Contrary to what some of you may be thinking, no we will not keep in touch. There was a reason why we said "goodbye" so long ago and those reasons haven't changed. But it was nice to see him -messed up hair and all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Why Do Men Cheat?
A friend of mine called me tonight to tell me that her boyfriend cheated on her. She caught him having sex in his apartment with one of his co-workers. Here's the thing, sometimes I think men want to get caught. Just like sometimes, men (and women but mostly men)pick fights on purpose for whatever reason.
My friend is beside herself. She said she ran out of the apartment but not before managing to give him a piece of her mind.
Why do men cheat? I mean, seriously? Is it because they are "missing" something from the current relationship they are in? Is it because they are compulsive liars? Or maybe they just can't keep it in their pants! What? I never undestood it. My dad cheated on my mom ALL the time. Toward the end of their marriage he got more and more bold and blatant about it. He used to tell her that she "didn't understand" him. What the fuck ever!
My friend Gustabo once told me that he believes men cheat (himself excluded) because they feel trapped, and want to know that they still "have" it. Really? A stroke of the ego is the reasoning for cheating? Nah, I don't buy it. It's a never-ending question. Unfortunately, I don't know that I or "we" will ever be satisfied with a plausible answer. Knowing "why" doesn't or won't diminish the damage already done. But it would still be nice to know. And I'm not saying all men cheat, so no hate mail please!
So, tomorrow I will check on my friend, make sure she is alright and help her get through this because that's what friends do.
My friend is beside herself. She said she ran out of the apartment but not before managing to give him a piece of her mind.
Why do men cheat? I mean, seriously? Is it because they are "missing" something from the current relationship they are in? Is it because they are compulsive liars? Or maybe they just can't keep it in their pants! What? I never undestood it. My dad cheated on my mom ALL the time. Toward the end of their marriage he got more and more bold and blatant about it. He used to tell her that she "didn't understand" him. What the fuck ever!
My friend Gustabo once told me that he believes men cheat (himself excluded) because they feel trapped, and want to know that they still "have" it. Really? A stroke of the ego is the reasoning for cheating? Nah, I don't buy it. It's a never-ending question. Unfortunately, I don't know that I or "we" will ever be satisfied with a plausible answer. Knowing "why" doesn't or won't diminish the damage already done. But it would still be nice to know. And I'm not saying all men cheat, so no hate mail please!
So, tomorrow I will check on my friend, make sure she is alright and help her get through this because that's what friends do.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Reflection
I am trying so hard to change, to stay on the right path, to not look back and fall into my "old ways". So hard. Sometimes I want to give up and give in but then I think about the pain, and the emptiness, and the tears that I shed, and it jolts me back into reality. So here I am, continuing to fight the good fight and learning how to love myself.
Browsing other blogs tonight, I came across this poem. It spoke volumes to me. I wanted to share with you in hopes it may speak to you in some way -or not. At any rate, I thought it was worth posting!
The famed British poet and painter, David Harkins, once penned:
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Browsing other blogs tonight, I came across this poem. It spoke volumes to me. I wanted to share with you in hopes it may speak to you in some way -or not. At any rate, I thought it was worth posting!
The famed British poet and painter, David Harkins, once penned:
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned..."
I finally made it to church today! Having missed last Sunday, I really wanted to make up for it! I didn't go to the regular service I normally attend. I decided to sleep in late and go in the evening instead. The regular priest that says mass was not there. This priest was an older one, circa 70 years old I gathered. And he spoke with a very, very heavy Italian accent. So heavy that I couldn't understand him. When he gave the homily (for those non-Catholics, it's part when he reads a scripture and gives his sermon about it) I had no idea what he was saying. So, as is often the case when I go ADD, my mind began to wander. I found myself thinking about the upcoming week and all the worries, and work and oh yeah, about that person I'm not supposed to be thinking about. And then I realized what I was doing and immediately just started praying! I mean, if I couldn't understand the priest, the least I could do was pray -I was in church after all! Ugh! This is not good! I really wanted to get something out of the sermon! It doesn't or it won't feel like I went to church because even though I was physically there, I wasn't -does that make sense? Sigh, perhaps that's why after the service, I stayed and said some extra Hail Marys and Our Fathers and "Please God, forgive mees..." But I'm glad I went. I'm not perfect, I'm not a "holy roller", I'm a big sinner who tries to live her life the best she can. Sometimes I go off course, but for the most part I'm good. :)
Shopping Therapy???
Whenever I get sad or anxious, I tend to go shopping. For what is not important! It's pretty much irrelevant, the important thing is that I do some shopping! On these occasions, my OCD kicks in! Seriously! One time, I bought 11 pair of earrings because I couldn't decide which one pair I wanted. Same thing with books or shoes, or candles or whatever catches my fancy when I am in that state. I can't just buy one thing! It's almost like there is a void I am trying fill in my life. But that feeling of satisfaction only lasts until the "next" time I get the urge. I have a several friends that love to drink, but certain ones, can't stop at just one drink, they drink until they pass out. Same thing? Sometimes I yearn for what I feel I am lacking or think I need or deserve and to placate that yearning, I go on a search for something, anything that will satisfy the craving. Which got me thinking, does this happen to everyone? Or just neurotic people like me??? And what is it exactly that I'm trying to fill? Which void? (I have so many! -insert sarcastic laugh here)
I hope I figure it out before I go broke!
I hope I figure it out before I go broke!
"I DO"
I'm curious, do I have a sign on my face that screams, "Desperate"!!!!? I have been getting hit on by nothing but MARRIED men lately! It's really getting on my nerves! What the hell??? "No I don't want your number!", "No, I won't go out with you!", Why??? "Um, because you're MARRIED!!!!" Funny how they "forget" that part! Ugh! Scum!!! Some men are blatant about it too, they don't care if you know or not that they are married. This one man, lets call him Jim-Bob came up to me at a baseball game, he was wearing a wedding band. So I'm cool at first, I mean, I'm not so superficial as to think the every man that approaches me wants to hit on me right? Right! So he starts chatting with me and mind you, I noticed the ring from miles away! (women have a knack for that sort of stuff you know!) Well, he gets thisclose to my face and starts telling me all kinds of crap! "You're the best thing I've seen all day!", "You're so pretty I can't concentrate on the ball game.", and, wait for it, "I'd really like to hit a grand slam with you, let's get outta here..." Bahahahahahaha! Seriously??? Really? That's your closer??? hahahahahaha I proceeded to ask him if his wife would be joining us. "Now why do you have to bring me down like that???" was his reply. Yeah, buh-bye! Oh my god! The next guy I encountered at a mutual friend's house party. His wife was actually at the SAME party!!! He kept pawing me and leering at me all night and even tried to corner me and kiss me. I threatened telling his wife who was only in the next room. He told me I was "No fun!" and walked away laughing. Call me Debbie Downer then LOSER! I swear, some married men are ridiculously stupid! I know there are women out there that actually don't mind dating/seeing/screwing (whatever you want to label it) a married man. Some actually prefer a married man over a single man. Why? I dunno. But I know women who are perfectly happy with that kind of arrangement. Hey, whatever makes you happy but it's so one-sided, not mention just WRONG! Bleh! I don't know what kind of vibe I'm emitting either! lol Because for the past month it seems the ONLY kind of men I've been meeting are the married kind! Hmm, maybe I need to change perfume or something???
Face
So I posted a picture of myself finally. The veil of anonymity is now broken! lol It's 2:03 a.m. and I am sitting here, listening to music, enjoying some wine and working on my writing. Not this post, I'm working on a story idea I had. Except I hit a road block and thought I'd play on here for a bit! Who else is awake right now? What are you doing??? Inquiring minds want to know -well this one does anyway!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A Whole Lot of Nothin
So my last post, kind of a downer right? Yeah well, I'm working on that! I will make up for it on my next post. Not this one, lol, but the one after that! :)
It's 1:53 a.m. and I am wide awake. What's up with that??? My body is tired, I can feel it, but I can't fall asleep! And so I sit here, in front of my computer, and type away. This blog post gets a FAIL for being so lame! lol
Tune in tomorrow for another dose of "What's in Yvonne's Head Today?"
Good night! :)
It's 1:53 a.m. and I am wide awake. What's up with that??? My body is tired, I can feel it, but I can't fall asleep! And so I sit here, in front of my computer, and type away. This blog post gets a FAIL for being so lame! lol
Tune in tomorrow for another dose of "What's in Yvonne's Head Today?"
Good night! :)
Bare
What kind of person lets herself be used? Knowingly and willingly? I used to say I was in love with him. As if that would somehow make it all right. I know now, that that was not love. Sure, I was attracted to him, still am, and I genuinely care for him very much, but it's not love. Infatuation? Most definitely! Borderline obsession? Possibly. Sigh, I used to tell myself, convince myself even, that it was better to have him for "a little while" than not at all. I knew what I was doing, I knew what he was doing and yet, I didn't stop him and I didn't stop myself. Had I never developed feelings for him, then I would not be in this state. But I did, and so here I am. This pattern of self-destruction, of masochism, went on for longer than it should have ever gone. How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? -Not a lot obviously! It's just that I lost all self-control whenever he came around. It was almost hypnotic. Literally, I would go weak at the knees and get so giddy I was beside myself! I'm still working on getting him out of my system. But it's so freaking hard! It is a constant battle with myself! Some days are harder than others. What bothers me the most is how I could think so little of myself and let well, what happened, happen, over and over. I never want to feel that way again, ever. I never want to be someone's second choice -ever again. And I won't be. Because I realized that I am worth so much more and deserve someone that deserves me. I decided to out myself and write all this down in hopes of easing the enormous void I feel inside. Perhaps give me answers as to why I would accept this behavior towards me. I have shed my last tear for this man. My LAST one!
I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery and working out the issues that shadow my life at the moment. Baby steps, that's what my dear friend Carla tells me. Indeed baby-steps. Long road ahead to better things, but I will get there and it will all be worth it! To paraphrase what Carla so eloquently used to tell me when she was training me at the gym, "I GOT this!"
I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery and working out the issues that shadow my life at the moment. Baby steps, that's what my dear friend Carla tells me. Indeed baby-steps. Long road ahead to better things, but I will get there and it will all be worth it! To paraphrase what Carla so eloquently used to tell me when she was training me at the gym, "I GOT this!"
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The "M" Word
People never cease to amaze me and not always in a "good" way either! I recently learned that someone I know is going through a very ugly divorce. When I say ugly, I mean, "bag over your face" ugly! It's really sad and unfortunate. However, nothing new there, seems everyone I know is getting divorced these days! Pity really. Doesn't anyone believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? It seems people are very blase' about it now. I guess this bothers me so much because I happen to believe in it very much. The whole God made man and woman to marry and have children and live as "happily ever after" as humanly possible. Not too many people would agree with me, friends and family included. (Not all of them, just a few)
So what gives? Is it that people just don't want to work at it anymore? Or is simply easier to just "give up" and cut your losses and leave? And then what if there are children involved??? Ugh! The whole thing just irritates me. Sigh, I suppose I'm just upset to hear that that individual I know is ending their marriage. Makes me sad. And so I'm venting.
This won't deter my feelings about marriage though. I still believe in it whole-heartedly. Is it for me? Only time will tell, but I hope so.
So what gives? Is it that people just don't want to work at it anymore? Or is simply easier to just "give up" and cut your losses and leave? And then what if there are children involved??? Ugh! The whole thing just irritates me. Sigh, I suppose I'm just upset to hear that that individual I know is ending their marriage. Makes me sad. And so I'm venting.
This won't deter my feelings about marriage though. I still believe in it whole-heartedly. Is it for me? Only time will tell, but I hope so.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Conversation With A Friend...
Dating is hard, I get that. It's also cumbersome, and stressful, and at the moment, non-existent for me! lol -I hate it. And yet, like a bad car wreck, I keep coming back for more! As I get older, I realize that what I thought important in my 30s is not so much now, in my 40s. I've grown to accept people as they are and not try to change them, because come on, realistically, you and I both know that we can only change ourselves. I also realized that guys have it pretty bad too -out there in Datingland a/k/a Disneyland! (you never know what kind of character you're going to get!) Case in point, I was talking to my friend Inmar the other night. We were discussing our dating life -a figment of both our imaginations apparently! So he was going on about how it's so difficult to meet someone that you have a connection with or a flicker of a connection with for that matter! Inmar is a nice looking guy, nice eyes, hails from New York(don't worry, I won't hold that part against you!)and has the accent to prove it! Plus he's a good dancer (we've "got low, got low" on occassion) and has a good job and a home, basically a really nice guy. "So what's the problem???" I asked him. "Why are you still single? Why aren't you dating anyone?" He hummed and hawed for a bit before responding. He said that he really "didn't know". There. Simple. A man of few words! lol But I totally understood because I always answer the same way when I am asked that question, "I don't know." Hell! If I knew, I would bottle it up and copyright it and be a billionaire! He went on to say that it's not just women who have a hard time. But society always deems it as such. I asked him to give me examples of the type of woman he is attracted to. He said he didn't have a specific "type" per se, but that he always knew when he saw her. Then it was my turn, "What's your type?" I thought about it, and used his same response with an addendum, "He's got to stimulate my mind." To which, he cried, "bullshit!" and laughed. But it's true! I get excited when a man knows how to talk to me. Not just "hey, hi how are you?" I mean, really speak to me, to all of me. Flirt with my intelligence, get me worked up but by using your words. That is what I like. Well, it's not ALL I like of course! But being savvy and charming goes a long way with me. Then again, what the heck do I know? I'm still single! lol
Sigh, I try not to dwell so much on that anymore. It's wasted energy. I then informed my friend that until I was in a place where I wanted to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, then dating just seemed counterproductive to me. He lauged and said I just needed to get laid. Ha! Well, that's beside the point and for another time and another blog!
Always a pleasure talking to you sweetie! :)
Sigh, I try not to dwell so much on that anymore. It's wasted energy. I then informed my friend that until I was in a place where I wanted to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, then dating just seemed counterproductive to me. He lauged and said I just needed to get laid. Ha! Well, that's beside the point and for another time and another blog!
Always a pleasure talking to you sweetie! :)
A Review -Sort of and Then Some
I finally went to see Eat.Pray.Love the other night! What did I think about it? Hmmm, well Javier Bardem is sexy hott! (yeah he merits a double t!) Oh you meant what did I think about the movie! lol Ok, ok, what I gathered from this movie was that a woman comes to the realization that what she thought she once wanted, really wasn't what she wanted at all. And she goes to extremes to change her life. I did like the movie. It had it's moments, but for the most part it was alright. I still prefer the book to the movie though. But then again, I always prefer the book to the movie. I loved the music! It was very "exotic" and it "took you places"...
It made me ponder my own life and my current quest for a better and healthier Yvonne. It also made me reflect on certain aspects of my life that I have yet to realize, or perhaps, never realize, and that made me a little sad. But the sadness soon dissapated, as I remembered how very lucky and fortunate I am to be alive and to be living in this moment. Everything else is just gravy baby! --Someone I know used to say that all the time! I'll have to remember to THANK him for embedding it in head (said I, in my most sarcastic tone!)
All that being said, I spoke to another friend of mine who also saw the movie. Her take on it was incredulous. Meaning, she thought it was "over the top". Her reasons were that not EVERYONE can just take a sabbatical and roam the world on a whim for a year. That "real" people in the "real" world have responsibilities and commmitments and well, a life. I gently reminded her that this movie was based on a "true" story. And I disagreed with her, if someone, anyone, wanted, really wanted to take a sabatical, not necesarily across the world, it could be anywhere, all they had to do was GO. Just go. If someone wants it bad enough, they will do whatever it takes to do it. I believe that whole-heartedly. She did not share my opinion so we agreed to disagree.
I'm curious, what do you think? Do you think it takes guts to do what she did? Would you be able to? I keep saying I want to live in Spain. I don't know for how long, I just know that that is what I have wanted to do for years. And yet, I am still here. What's holding me back? Truthfully? Nothing. Myself. And that, ladies and gents, is what I am working on; living. I see Espana in my future and I can almost taste it, what's on your palate?
It made me ponder my own life and my current quest for a better and healthier Yvonne. It also made me reflect on certain aspects of my life that I have yet to realize, or perhaps, never realize, and that made me a little sad. But the sadness soon dissapated, as I remembered how very lucky and fortunate I am to be alive and to be living in this moment. Everything else is just gravy baby! --Someone I know used to say that all the time! I'll have to remember to THANK him for embedding it in head (said I, in my most sarcastic tone!)
All that being said, I spoke to another friend of mine who also saw the movie. Her take on it was incredulous. Meaning, she thought it was "over the top". Her reasons were that not EVERYONE can just take a sabbatical and roam the world on a whim for a year. That "real" people in the "real" world have responsibilities and commmitments and well, a life. I gently reminded her that this movie was based on a "true" story. And I disagreed with her, if someone, anyone, wanted, really wanted to take a sabatical, not necesarily across the world, it could be anywhere, all they had to do was GO. Just go. If someone wants it bad enough, they will do whatever it takes to do it. I believe that whole-heartedly. She did not share my opinion so we agreed to disagree.
I'm curious, what do you think? Do you think it takes guts to do what she did? Would you be able to? I keep saying I want to live in Spain. I don't know for how long, I just know that that is what I have wanted to do for years. And yet, I am still here. What's holding me back? Truthfully? Nothing. Myself. And that, ladies and gents, is what I am working on; living. I see Espana in my future and I can almost taste it, what's on your palate?
Midnight Ramblings From An Insomniac
It's so quiet here in my room. The tv is on but on mute, it keeps me company as I sit here and try and write. The only noise is the clackity-clack from the keyboard as I type. But in my head, well that's a completely different story! I mean, it's like a party in there! So much noise, so much clutter, so much.
In the "Party" room- there are thoughts and questions about my weekend and future birthday parties to attend! Lots of planning and perhaps traveling to do...
In the "Worry" room- we have the Debbie Downers discussing financial woes, bleak job prospects, future medical issues -bleh! No fun in here!
In the "Think Positive" room - Well in here everything is good. Serene. Hopeful, expectant, balanced. -Good times here!
Then there is the last room, the "Life is Beautiful" room. This is where I come to pray and ponder all of my blessings. And this is where I give thanks, every day.
So that's it. All that noise in my head unveiled.
Aren't you glad you stayed???
In the "Party" room- there are thoughts and questions about my weekend and future birthday parties to attend! Lots of planning and perhaps traveling to do...
In the "Worry" room- we have the Debbie Downers discussing financial woes, bleak job prospects, future medical issues -bleh! No fun in here!
In the "Think Positive" room - Well in here everything is good. Serene. Hopeful, expectant, balanced. -Good times here!
Then there is the last room, the "Life is Beautiful" room. This is where I come to pray and ponder all of my blessings. And this is where I give thanks, every day.
So that's it. All that noise in my head unveiled.
Aren't you glad you stayed???
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Truth Shall Set You Free -or Get You In Trouble! :)
When I was little and then not so little, I used to lie ALL the time. Usually they were little white lies, "Yvonne did you do your homework?" my mom would ask me, to which I would reply, "Yes!!!" knowing full well that I had not done it all. Or I might about something like, "Do you like my dress?" my friend Cindy would ask me, to which Yvonne would reply, "Yeah it's too cute!" knowing full well I thought it was hideous! But then as I got older, the lies became more extreme. I had a vivid and wild imagination! I would make up all kinds of stuff. Even when I didn't really have to!
I would literally open my mouth and spew untruths and exagerated stories all day long! I didn't even realize I was doing it -that's how good I was at it. I was maybe 20 years old when I became aware of what I did. I used to think that I lied as a way to cover up my real problem -which to me, at that time, was dealing with my parents' incessant fighting and my mother's drinking and just chaos at my house at any given moment. But now, at my ripe old age of 43, I think I used lying back then as a way to A). Get attention B). Manipulate the situation to my favor C) gain control D). mask how I truly felt and E). because it was easier for me to deal with make-believe than the truth. Once I broke free of the "lying" stage/phase -whatever you want to call it, I can't begin to describe the liberating feeling I felt inside! It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And I've never reverted back to "those" ways! That's the truth! It took a long time for me to get there, but it was all worth it.
I've never written about this before. I used to tell my therapist that I could never tell anyone because then my credibility would be ruined. But she said that when I was ready, I would be open about it and that I couldn't/can't control what others say about me or feel about me. So, that which I have no control over, I don't worry about. :)
As my journey to become a better version of myself goes on, I decided that tonight would be a good time to tell the truth.
How about you?
I would literally open my mouth and spew untruths and exagerated stories all day long! I didn't even realize I was doing it -that's how good I was at it. I was maybe 20 years old when I became aware of what I did. I used to think that I lied as a way to cover up my real problem -which to me, at that time, was dealing with my parents' incessant fighting and my mother's drinking and just chaos at my house at any given moment. But now, at my ripe old age of 43, I think I used lying back then as a way to A). Get attention B). Manipulate the situation to my favor C) gain control D). mask how I truly felt and E). because it was easier for me to deal with make-believe than the truth. Once I broke free of the "lying" stage/phase -whatever you want to call it, I can't begin to describe the liberating feeling I felt inside! It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And I've never reverted back to "those" ways! That's the truth! It took a long time for me to get there, but it was all worth it.
I've never written about this before. I used to tell my therapist that I could never tell anyone because then my credibility would be ruined. But she said that when I was ready, I would be open about it and that I couldn't/can't control what others say about me or feel about me. So, that which I have no control over, I don't worry about. :)
As my journey to become a better version of myself goes on, I decided that tonight would be a good time to tell the truth.
How about you?
Yesterday (Monday)...
was a good day. It's been a while -a long while since I've had a "good" day. No particular reason, just, I felt good. My grandmother used to say, "Tiempo al tiempo" --when times got hard, things became difficult, she'd say, "Dale tiempo al tiempo hijita." It means "give time, time" -to heal, to pass, whatever your necessity may be, give it time. Along the same lines as "Time heals all wounds" --Get it now? Good.
I actually smiled today, not only on the outside -I smile all the time! But I smiled on the inside as well. Things are still, well, as they are, but I'm alive, and grateful and so I keep going. Slowly, I'm peeling off layers of myself and staring me right in the face.
I actually smiled today, not only on the outside -I smile all the time! But I smiled on the inside as well. Things are still, well, as they are, but I'm alive, and grateful and so I keep going. Slowly, I'm peeling off layers of myself and staring me right in the face.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Continuing Saga...
So in my ongoing quest to "figure" myself out and better myself, I've been doing a lot of reading. A LOT! I'm reading self-help books, how-to books, and English literature -for fun! lol I've also been doing lots of soul searching -looking for a deeper meaning I guess. To life? Sure, but mostly, a deeper meaning to me. I suspect many people go through this at different points in their lives. You know, like when you turn 30 or 40 or 50, etc. Well, I have been down this road before, the difference now is that I'm ready to face whatever demons I have to face. I truly am searching and looking for answers to myself. I am ready to embrace ALL of me, and move on to become a better version. I've had an epiphany of sorts. Almost like a fog is lifted and you can see so clearly. That's how I feel. I want to know what I'm made of and why I am the way I am. I'm not a saint, definitely a sinner, and not a failure -though at times, I make myself out to be just that. I'm slowly learning how to love myself again. I keep going over things that have happened in my life, milestones that shaped me and molded me into the person I am today. It's not always an easy task to do and at times proves daunting. No one likes to stare at themselves in the mirror when you're staring the truth in the face. So that's what I've been up to lately. With it, comes anger, repressed memories, tears, joy, sadness, -it's been cathartic and disheartening and enlightening all at once! It's a long road ahead I have to face, but I will face it head on, because I have to -for me.
Thanks for indulging me, you've been great! Be good to the waitstaff and see you next time! :)
Thanks for indulging me, you've been great! Be good to the waitstaff and see you next time! :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wine
Since I recently moved and things are still in boxes and spread out in a chaotic mess in my new abode, I haven't had a chance to buy any wine. I made it a point to always have wine in my previous home! Bleh! I will have to wait until tomorrow when I venture out.
This lame blog was brought to you courtesy of writers block.
Come back again, it will get better! lol
Cheers!
This lame blog was brought to you courtesy of writers block.
Come back again, it will get better! lol
Cheers!
To He Who Shall Remain Nameless
Even before I met you face to face I fell for you.
Perhaps it was your wit or your charm or my lack of judgment! lol
Whatever the case, I fell for you. Hard.
You will always have my heart
You will always be THE ONE that makes me blush!
Fate thought that it would play a silly joke on me.
It teased and flirted and dangled you in front of me but you were just a fantasy.
MY fantasy.
I often wonder what it would have been like to be with you. Not just intimately, but intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Writing this even now, makes me giddy!
I crave you my love
Perhaps it was your wit or your charm or my lack of judgment! lol
Whatever the case, I fell for you. Hard.
You will always have my heart
You will always be THE ONE that makes me blush!
Fate thought that it would play a silly joke on me.
It teased and flirted and dangled you in front of me but you were just a fantasy.
MY fantasy.
I often wonder what it would have been like to be with you. Not just intimately, but intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Writing this even now, makes me giddy!
I crave you my love
"NOT YET TITLED"
PREFACE: I wrote this in June of 2009. This is my first attempt at writing in male voice. Have a read and let me know what you think!
Thanks!
____________
It all started with an email. She sent it to me sometime in late December. I had no idea who she was. I only opened it and read it because I thought her last name was different, pretty. It was only after I read it that I realized that yeah, I kinda knew her –by default. You see, a buddy of mine who was a lawyer, had a small practice downtown and I had been trying for months to “hook up” with his receptionist! Nada. Zero. I got nothing! She blew me off,! Ever so politely, but blew me off nevertheless! As a way to “soften” said blow off she offered her friend Bianca as a peace offering. She told me her was a paralegal and was also a writer and thought maybe I should call her up to chat. And as an addendum, “She’s really cute! You’ll love her!” (I dabbled in writing, hence the “writing” connection) Ha! I don’t “call up” anyone. So I vaguely remember agreeing to let her give her friend my email address and left it at that.
Fast-forward a few months later and right before Christmas, there it was, an email from this woman who unbeknown to me at the time, would ultimately become a very important part of my life. The email was short and sweet and very “proper”. Hell, there was not one misspelled word or improper use of the English language at all! For a lover of grammar like myself, this was nirvana! I was impressed!! I read the email and instead of discarding it, put it away for another day. I would reply, just not at that moment. At that moment I had a date and much to do to prepare.
Such was my life back then. I was 31, single, living in a swanky high-rise apartment with a killer view of the city. I stood about 5’11, kept myself in shape, stocky but not fat, dark features, facial hair, was easy on the eyes, cocky, and worked hard but played harder. I drove a car that suited me well. It was fast, expensive and oh so much fun! It was my toy, my baby. Oh yeah, I was also an asshole but could at any given moment, turn into a teddy bear. Those times occurring sparingly of course! But I digress…
The new year began with a bang, a continuation of the previous year. I owned a mortgage company. I started it when I was fresh out of college. A young buck in a zoo filled with piranhas and double-crossing snakes. Ahh, yes, I fit in well! It took me a few years but I built the company up from scratch and went from working out of my one bedroom apartment to moving shop mid-town into a large office building with a full staff to boot! Not bad for a then 24 year old punk like myself. I did alright. Self proclaimed badass and all.
Sigh, so January turned into February. One morning, while clearing out old emails I came across HER email. Bianca. Yeah, the woman that had emailed me months before. That was her name, Bianca Torneo. Hmm, I read it again and this time instead of discarding it, I replied. I apologized for not writing back sooner, work and time escaped me, blah, blah, blah, and I extended my hand in friendship to her. “Send” and off it went into cyber land. She responded a few days later. And that’s how it began. It wasn’t long before we were chatting back and forth on a daily basis. And not just once a day, it was continuous throughout the course of the day. I found myself looking forward to reading her emails. Answering her questions, asking my own. The beginning was easy, her questions posed to me were “What do you do for a living?” Where did you go to school?”, mundane stuff like that. But then one day, she asked me, “So who are you? Who is Alex Cordova?” I thought a lot before responding. I wasn’t used to answering such an in depth question about myself. Especially to someone whom I’d never met. Our friendly banter was different for me. I was not sure why I had not made a move to meet her. Not even her phone number!! What the hell was wrong with me??? I mean, we did have phones after all! But I dunno, I kind of enjoyed the mystery. I wondered what her voice sounded like all the time. We exchanged photos at the very beginning of our email “relationship”. Being the total guy that I was, I wanted to know if she was hot, worth getting to know. I know, I know, typical male! Hey, at least I was living up to the reputation! I sent her various pictures of me in rather precarious positions. She told me I was “cute” –haha, that’s what she said. Her pictures? Hmm, though she was not someone I would typically be attracted to or dare I say it, “hot”, she was cute. What beautiful eyes she has. That’s what I thought when I saw her picture. Totally borrowing the big, bad wolf’s line I know. She was adorable. And so, our exchanges continued.
Somewhere after our third month of “email exchanges” she threw all caution to the wind and simply asked in an email, “If I give you my number, will you call me?” To which I coyly replied, “Why don’t you give it to me and find out?” Yeah I know, lame but it worked. She sent me her phone number and the ball was now in my court. The thing is I really enjoyed our psuedo relationship that we had developed these last few months. Truly, it was really cool. It was separate from my real life. I mean, I hadn’t told anyone that I was emailing a woman I had never met before. Are you kidding me? The guys would never let me live it down!! They’d laugh in my face! I kind of liked keeping that apart from that which was my life. She had become my escape. I told her about my bad days, my good days. My dates, my relationships, or lack thereof. She did the same. We were becoming friends. Maybe even confidantes. And I liked it.
I called her the night she gave me her number. We talked for hours that night! Learned more about her. She was eleven years older than me, (the Mrs. Robinson reference was made throughout the course of that conversation), she was a paralegal but also aspired to become a writer, she didn’t beat around the bush and I liked that. She was direct, and didn’t play those silly mind games. Honest to a fault! And she laughed. A lot! Sometimes at me, most of the time at me, and sometimes at herself!
We chatted about everything and anything. It was as if we just continued our emails. Well not totally, I mean, I could tell she was nervous in the beginning and she giggled a lot. She said I sounded just as she had imagined. I told her I thought she had a very, very hot voice! Which she really did! I told her and she told me I was full of shit! See? She “got” me. –But her voice was hot!
Life went on and I even dated here and there –we both did actually. Just not each other. It was funny because as soon as the date was over we’d call each other for a play-by-play recap and analyze the date to death or laugh about it. I did start semi dating someone for “awhile” (anything more than a month falls under this category) Lisa and I began dating off and on for a about three months. During this time, I still maintained my relationship with Bianca. I’d call her on the sly. Or text her. Or meet her on the cam at odd hours of the night or wee early mornings. Heh. I mean, we were friends right? What harm was being done? Lisa didn’t last and so I was soon on the prowl again.
Nine months after my “cyber/phone” relationship with Bianca began, we met. It was a Thursday night. Which to me meant it was the beginning of my weekend. I always treated Thursday nights as a precursor to Friday! So it was no surprise that I was feeling pretty good when I called her up. I knew she was out with friends and was probably almost if not more drunk than me. “Hello?” she yelled into her phone. I could hear music blaring and laugher and just, noise. “Hold on Alex! I can’t hear you!” I waited till I heard her voice again. This time the background was quiet. “Still there?” she asked.
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
“Waiting for you to come and meet me!” she replied.
I could almost see the smile on her face when she said it. We teased about meeting each other all the time. It was almost like we were daring one another to do it. Knowing neither of us would. Not really sure why not…
“I dunno, don’t want to disappoint you…” I said in the most “woe is me” voice I could muster up.
“Oh please!” was her sarcastic response.
And then, “Come on! Let’s meet!” she persisted. Her infectious giggles followed.
“Alright, alright, worse things have happened. About time I put you out of your misery anyway!” I said smugly.
“Oh whatever! You’re the one that is suffering!!!” was her comeback.
She told me to meet her at her place. She said she was already going home and I should just meet her there.
And just like that, we agreed to meet that night. Now remember, I had never met her in person. I didn’t know what she looked like, well, only in pictures, and the good ol web cam. Weird. But I knew where she lived. I told her I would see her in a few minutes. I was literally five minutes from her place. I finished up my drink and told my buddies I was done and left.
She lived in a quiet neighborhood. Lots of apartment complexes lined the streets. Very quaint. I parked my car and proceeded to walk into the complex. She lived on the second floor.
Now, let me just say that I was nervous as hell! This woman had been a daily part of my life for almost a year and I was finally going to meet her in person. Kind of took the buzz I was enjoying away!
I knocked on the door, took a deep breath, and waited.
The door opened and there she stood.
The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. She had a lot hair! It was brownish with tinges of red. Very curly and sort of disheveled. The second thing I noticed about her was her eyes. They were beautiful almond shaped, big, brown, with long eyelashes to shield them.
“Hi! “ She stood behind the door half open and just had the biggest smile on her face. She was still wearing her night attire. It consisted of nice fitting jeans, very revealing (but in a good way) blouse and really high heels.
“Are you going to hug me or what?” she asked smiling.
I hugged her. She held on to me for what seemed like forever. She smelled really good. I remember that to this day.
I walked into her place. It was very much her. Comfortable. Lots of books. strewn about. Gave a warm and fuzzy feeling as you walked in.
“So good to finally meet you!” she gushed.
I smiled at her. “You’re short!” I towered over her at 6’0. She was barely 4’11.
She hit my arm, “Yeah whatever dork!”
I made myself at home while she went and changed into pjs. Ha, no nothing lacy or naughty. She came back in these loose white pants and a black short tee shirt. Her heels were gone and she was barefoot. We sat down on the couch. She sat close to me. Thisclose. She was very animated with her hands and she touched me the whole time as she spoke.
“I’m nervous. Are you?” Hey eyes looked up at me and then shyly and quickly looked away.
“Not anymore. Hard part’s over.”
My answer seemed to relax her. She offered me something to drink, I settled for a beer. She poured herself a glass of wine and returned to me, er, the couch. Music was coming through the speakers on the wall. Soft, jazzy sounds of Sting played for our entertainment.
“So I’m still nervous” she said almost in a whisper.
‘So I’m still drunk” I responded.
Then she asked me if I would give her a hug.
I put my beer down and wrapped my arms around her. We stayed like that for a long time. Just holding each other on the couch.
Yeah I know, what was I waiting for and why had I not used my “sure fire”, “no miss” moves on her??? I don’t know. Fuck! I don’t know!!
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, her head resting on my shoulder and her hand entwined with mine.
“Alex, I really want to kiss you.”
Wait. What? See, it’s not like we hadn’t talked about it before. How it would be when we finally met. Hell, there was enough sexual tension in our telephone and email conversations alone! Not to mention our web cam interludes! Now here she was, real, in my face…
I gently caressed her face with my hand, which she kissed.. I nuzzled her neck gently, working my way to her mouth.
It was sweet.
We continued to kiss like that for what seemed like hours. Getting to know each other’s mouths, our hands caressing, soft moans…
Our making out continued into the wee hours of the morning. In between “catching our breath” breaks we’d talk softly, about everything, about nothing. Neither of us showing the remote interest in saying goodbye. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The following morning I awoke to the smell of coffee and a sweet voice,
“Wake up sleepy head!” It was Bianca.
I slowly opened my eyes and tried to remember where the hell I was. Ahh yes, Bianca’s apartment.
“We fell asleep!” It was more of a question than a statement.
She laughed and said, “Yeah, some hard core party animals we are!”
I sat up on the sofa and took the cup of coffee she handed to me.
She looked like she had been up for awhile. She was dressed in work attire and hurrying about.
“I’ll get out of here so you can do your thing!” I said as I savored the hot, brewed cup of coffee.
“No don’t hurry on my account. Stay as long as you want. I’ve got to get to the office but you can stay. Just lock the door on your way out.”
She was smiling, and sitting beside me on the couch. I still had morning voice and felt like crap. Being hung over and scared mindless will do that to you.
She laughed and kissed my cheek, “You’re adorable in the morning!”
“You must still be drunk!” I shot back at her.
“Ha! Smart ass!” she replied.
I rubbed my eyes tight, trying to make them focus and to give me time to think of what to say. For the first time in my life I had nothing to say. Or rather, I did, but I felt nervous and dammit, dare I say it? Happy. There, I said it. Alex Cordova had just spent the night with a woman and nothing happened, well apart from the kisses, and he was happy. Giddy almost. Huh, imagine that!
“What are you grinning about?”
I looked at her and said, “Thinking what a pair we are, falling asleep like that!”
She laughed. “Uh and for the record you snore!”
“Me? Never!”
I stood up and got ready to leave.
“You can stay I told you…”
“Thanks I know, but I better get home, check on the office…”
We walked hand in hand to the front door. She locked it. and we walked down the stairs.
“I’m so glad we finally met!” she gushed.
“Me too. So, have a good day! Call you later…”
We kissed quickly, rather abruptly and that was partly my fault. I just had the sudden urge to get the hell away from there.
Here’s the thing, I know she liked me. I know that she was attracted to me. She confessed her attraction to me one night in an email. We were fighting actually. I said something that offended her and she shot back at me and in the end, I apologized and she professed her “crush” to me. She made it too easy for me. I knew that I could call her at any minute of the day or night and she would literally drop whatever she was doing for me. I’m not being cocky either, ok, maybe a little bit. But it was true. The girl was crazy about me and I took advantage of that. Of course I see that now, but back then, back then I didn’t have a clue.
That was the first and last time I saw her. Almost a year ago. I never called her again. She emailed me a few times, asking what was wrong, asking why I was being such a jerk. I never responded. I still have the messages my secretary gave me. I kept them to remind myself what an ass I was. What can I say? I lived up to my name: Asshole Alex.
Now you might be thinking, “Hell he’s a nut job!” or maybe even, “She should keep running and fast!” Yeah, I agree. The thing is I don’t know why I ran. I liked her. I was attracted to her and found her to be so sweet, and loving with a sense of humor almost as crazy as mine. Why then, would I just run away from that??? Sigh, I don’t know.
I never told anyone. And I avoided my buddy’s law firm like the plague. His receptionist would no doubt shoot me upon sight! I was running out of excuses not to go there!
Life continued. My business boomed. I met a woman, we started dating and fell in love. I allowed myself to let her into my solitary world, my inner circle as it were. Things were great. Or I willed them to be. But in the back of my mind I thought of Bianca. I wondered how she was, if she was happy, if she ever forgave me…
My rationing of my behavior towards her was that I would only have hurt her in the long run, so I softened the blow so to speak. Yeah, yeah I know, lame and crappy and a real jerk. But that is how I handled the guilt. I still was not sure what the hell made me run! The fact that she “might” make me happy? The fact that I could fall for her? Whatever. It’s done. I was with Melissa now.
I continued with my life and the uphill and downhill battles that confronted me. I put Bianca to rest. Never imagining that I would ever see her again. But alas, a good friend of mine called Karma, made sure that the total opposite would occur.
I walked into my office one day to find a fed ex box laying on my desk.
“Priscilla what’s this?” I yelled at my secretary.
I picked it up, it was addressed to me not my company.
I opened it. It was a book. A brand spanking new book at that! One of those hard backs. “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless” –that was the title of the book. Who would send me a book???? I was about to throw it aside when I glanced at the author’s name –Bianca Tornero. My heart began to race.
I fell into my chair, still holding the book. There was no note. Nothing. Heh, not even an autograph from her! Just the book. Being the cocky, arrogant bastard that I am, I quickly opened it and went to the dedicatory portion of the book. Wow, amazingly, no mention of me! Haha Just the title, “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless”. I read the entire book that afternoon. I ignored phone calls, canceled meetings and holed myself up in my office until the very last word was read. And when I was finished, I felt like the biggest loser in the universe. While the book was fiction, the premise of the story and the main character –the villain, was me. Of course she didn’t call me out. She was too classy for that. So she used her words to cut to the very core of my existence, of my soul, to tell how much I hurt her.
“Don’t hang up it’s me, Alex.”
Sometime in the middle of the night I called her. I had never erased her phone number from my phone. I only hoped it was still the same. And when she answered, and I heard her voice, I almost jumped for joy!
I realized that there was no response to my plea.
“Bianca? Hello? Are you still there?”
“What do you want Alex?”
She sounded sleepy. I guess she would at 3:00 in the morning.
“I uh, I got the book. Congratulations! You did it! I’m sure it will be a best seller!”
“This is why you woke me up?”
“I need to see you. I need to explain…”
”There is nothing to explain. I don’t want to see you. Ever. Let this be the last time you contact me Alex. I sent you the book because I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to know…” her voice broke.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I never meant to hurt you…”
“Good bye Alex.”
“Wait, Bianca I …”
The line went dead.
Dammit! My numerous attempts to contact her were futile. She never answered again.
That night was the last time I ever heard from her.
So my life, well Melissa and I split up shortly after the Bianca fiasco. I realized that I didn’t love Melissa. Not the way she wanted me to and certainly not the way she deserved.
A little too late I realized I was in love with Bianca.
I’ve read articles and books about women trying to figure out men and how in the end, when all is said and done, they can’t. No one can. Who knows why I acted the way I did with Bianca. Why I ran from something that might have turned into something beautiful. Who knows!? Certainly not me.
A long time ago I met a woman that would teach me how to be happy with myself, to laugh, to love
Thanks!
____________
It all started with an email. She sent it to me sometime in late December. I had no idea who she was. I only opened it and read it because I thought her last name was different, pretty. It was only after I read it that I realized that yeah, I kinda knew her –by default. You see, a buddy of mine who was a lawyer, had a small practice downtown and I had been trying for months to “hook up” with his receptionist! Nada. Zero. I got nothing! She blew me off,! Ever so politely, but blew me off nevertheless! As a way to “soften” said blow off she offered her friend Bianca as a peace offering. She told me her was a paralegal and was also a writer and thought maybe I should call her up to chat. And as an addendum, “She’s really cute! You’ll love her!” (I dabbled in writing, hence the “writing” connection) Ha! I don’t “call up” anyone. So I vaguely remember agreeing to let her give her friend my email address and left it at that.
Fast-forward a few months later and right before Christmas, there it was, an email from this woman who unbeknown to me at the time, would ultimately become a very important part of my life. The email was short and sweet and very “proper”. Hell, there was not one misspelled word or improper use of the English language at all! For a lover of grammar like myself, this was nirvana! I was impressed!! I read the email and instead of discarding it, put it away for another day. I would reply, just not at that moment. At that moment I had a date and much to do to prepare.
Such was my life back then. I was 31, single, living in a swanky high-rise apartment with a killer view of the city. I stood about 5’11, kept myself in shape, stocky but not fat, dark features, facial hair, was easy on the eyes, cocky, and worked hard but played harder. I drove a car that suited me well. It was fast, expensive and oh so much fun! It was my toy, my baby. Oh yeah, I was also an asshole but could at any given moment, turn into a teddy bear. Those times occurring sparingly of course! But I digress…
The new year began with a bang, a continuation of the previous year. I owned a mortgage company. I started it when I was fresh out of college. A young buck in a zoo filled with piranhas and double-crossing snakes. Ahh, yes, I fit in well! It took me a few years but I built the company up from scratch and went from working out of my one bedroom apartment to moving shop mid-town into a large office building with a full staff to boot! Not bad for a then 24 year old punk like myself. I did alright. Self proclaimed badass and all.
Sigh, so January turned into February. One morning, while clearing out old emails I came across HER email. Bianca. Yeah, the woman that had emailed me months before. That was her name, Bianca Torneo. Hmm, I read it again and this time instead of discarding it, I replied. I apologized for not writing back sooner, work and time escaped me, blah, blah, blah, and I extended my hand in friendship to her. “Send” and off it went into cyber land. She responded a few days later. And that’s how it began. It wasn’t long before we were chatting back and forth on a daily basis. And not just once a day, it was continuous throughout the course of the day. I found myself looking forward to reading her emails. Answering her questions, asking my own. The beginning was easy, her questions posed to me were “What do you do for a living?” Where did you go to school?”, mundane stuff like that. But then one day, she asked me, “So who are you? Who is Alex Cordova?” I thought a lot before responding. I wasn’t used to answering such an in depth question about myself. Especially to someone whom I’d never met. Our friendly banter was different for me. I was not sure why I had not made a move to meet her. Not even her phone number!! What the hell was wrong with me??? I mean, we did have phones after all! But I dunno, I kind of enjoyed the mystery. I wondered what her voice sounded like all the time. We exchanged photos at the very beginning of our email “relationship”. Being the total guy that I was, I wanted to know if she was hot, worth getting to know. I know, I know, typical male! Hey, at least I was living up to the reputation! I sent her various pictures of me in rather precarious positions. She told me I was “cute” –haha, that’s what she said. Her pictures? Hmm, though she was not someone I would typically be attracted to or dare I say it, “hot”, she was cute. What beautiful eyes she has. That’s what I thought when I saw her picture. Totally borrowing the big, bad wolf’s line I know. She was adorable. And so, our exchanges continued.
Somewhere after our third month of “email exchanges” she threw all caution to the wind and simply asked in an email, “If I give you my number, will you call me?” To which I coyly replied, “Why don’t you give it to me and find out?” Yeah I know, lame but it worked. She sent me her phone number and the ball was now in my court. The thing is I really enjoyed our psuedo relationship that we had developed these last few months. Truly, it was really cool. It was separate from my real life. I mean, I hadn’t told anyone that I was emailing a woman I had never met before. Are you kidding me? The guys would never let me live it down!! They’d laugh in my face! I kind of liked keeping that apart from that which was my life. She had become my escape. I told her about my bad days, my good days. My dates, my relationships, or lack thereof. She did the same. We were becoming friends. Maybe even confidantes. And I liked it.
I called her the night she gave me her number. We talked for hours that night! Learned more about her. She was eleven years older than me, (the Mrs. Robinson reference was made throughout the course of that conversation), she was a paralegal but also aspired to become a writer, she didn’t beat around the bush and I liked that. She was direct, and didn’t play those silly mind games. Honest to a fault! And she laughed. A lot! Sometimes at me, most of the time at me, and sometimes at herself!
We chatted about everything and anything. It was as if we just continued our emails. Well not totally, I mean, I could tell she was nervous in the beginning and she giggled a lot. She said I sounded just as she had imagined. I told her I thought she had a very, very hot voice! Which she really did! I told her and she told me I was full of shit! See? She “got” me. –But her voice was hot!
Life went on and I even dated here and there –we both did actually. Just not each other. It was funny because as soon as the date was over we’d call each other for a play-by-play recap and analyze the date to death or laugh about it. I did start semi dating someone for “awhile” (anything more than a month falls under this category) Lisa and I began dating off and on for a about three months. During this time, I still maintained my relationship with Bianca. I’d call her on the sly. Or text her. Or meet her on the cam at odd hours of the night or wee early mornings. Heh. I mean, we were friends right? What harm was being done? Lisa didn’t last and so I was soon on the prowl again.
Nine months after my “cyber/phone” relationship with Bianca began, we met. It was a Thursday night. Which to me meant it was the beginning of my weekend. I always treated Thursday nights as a precursor to Friday! So it was no surprise that I was feeling pretty good when I called her up. I knew she was out with friends and was probably almost if not more drunk than me. “Hello?” she yelled into her phone. I could hear music blaring and laugher and just, noise. “Hold on Alex! I can’t hear you!” I waited till I heard her voice again. This time the background was quiet. “Still there?” she asked.
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
“Waiting for you to come and meet me!” she replied.
I could almost see the smile on her face when she said it. We teased about meeting each other all the time. It was almost like we were daring one another to do it. Knowing neither of us would. Not really sure why not…
“I dunno, don’t want to disappoint you…” I said in the most “woe is me” voice I could muster up.
“Oh please!” was her sarcastic response.
And then, “Come on! Let’s meet!” she persisted. Her infectious giggles followed.
“Alright, alright, worse things have happened. About time I put you out of your misery anyway!” I said smugly.
“Oh whatever! You’re the one that is suffering!!!” was her comeback.
She told me to meet her at her place. She said she was already going home and I should just meet her there.
And just like that, we agreed to meet that night. Now remember, I had never met her in person. I didn’t know what she looked like, well, only in pictures, and the good ol web cam. Weird. But I knew where she lived. I told her I would see her in a few minutes. I was literally five minutes from her place. I finished up my drink and told my buddies I was done and left.
She lived in a quiet neighborhood. Lots of apartment complexes lined the streets. Very quaint. I parked my car and proceeded to walk into the complex. She lived on the second floor.
Now, let me just say that I was nervous as hell! This woman had been a daily part of my life for almost a year and I was finally going to meet her in person. Kind of took the buzz I was enjoying away!
I knocked on the door, took a deep breath, and waited.
The door opened and there she stood.
The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. She had a lot hair! It was brownish with tinges of red. Very curly and sort of disheveled. The second thing I noticed about her was her eyes. They were beautiful almond shaped, big, brown, with long eyelashes to shield them.
“Hi! “ She stood behind the door half open and just had the biggest smile on her face. She was still wearing her night attire. It consisted of nice fitting jeans, very revealing (but in a good way) blouse and really high heels.
“Are you going to hug me or what?” she asked smiling.
I hugged her. She held on to me for what seemed like forever. She smelled really good. I remember that to this day.
I walked into her place. It was very much her. Comfortable. Lots of books. strewn about. Gave a warm and fuzzy feeling as you walked in.
“So good to finally meet you!” she gushed.
I smiled at her. “You’re short!” I towered over her at 6’0. She was barely 4’11.
She hit my arm, “Yeah whatever dork!”
I made myself at home while she went and changed into pjs. Ha, no nothing lacy or naughty. She came back in these loose white pants and a black short tee shirt. Her heels were gone and she was barefoot. We sat down on the couch. She sat close to me. Thisclose. She was very animated with her hands and she touched me the whole time as she spoke.
“I’m nervous. Are you?” Hey eyes looked up at me and then shyly and quickly looked away.
“Not anymore. Hard part’s over.”
My answer seemed to relax her. She offered me something to drink, I settled for a beer. She poured herself a glass of wine and returned to me, er, the couch. Music was coming through the speakers on the wall. Soft, jazzy sounds of Sting played for our entertainment.
“So I’m still nervous” she said almost in a whisper.
‘So I’m still drunk” I responded.
Then she asked me if I would give her a hug.
I put my beer down and wrapped my arms around her. We stayed like that for a long time. Just holding each other on the couch.
Yeah I know, what was I waiting for and why had I not used my “sure fire”, “no miss” moves on her??? I don’t know. Fuck! I don’t know!!
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, her head resting on my shoulder and her hand entwined with mine.
“Alex, I really want to kiss you.”
Wait. What? See, it’s not like we hadn’t talked about it before. How it would be when we finally met. Hell, there was enough sexual tension in our telephone and email conversations alone! Not to mention our web cam interludes! Now here she was, real, in my face…
I gently caressed her face with my hand, which she kissed.. I nuzzled her neck gently, working my way to her mouth.
It was sweet.
We continued to kiss like that for what seemed like hours. Getting to know each other’s mouths, our hands caressing, soft moans…
Our making out continued into the wee hours of the morning. In between “catching our breath” breaks we’d talk softly, about everything, about nothing. Neither of us showing the remote interest in saying goodbye. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The following morning I awoke to the smell of coffee and a sweet voice,
“Wake up sleepy head!” It was Bianca.
I slowly opened my eyes and tried to remember where the hell I was. Ahh yes, Bianca’s apartment.
“We fell asleep!” It was more of a question than a statement.
She laughed and said, “Yeah, some hard core party animals we are!”
I sat up on the sofa and took the cup of coffee she handed to me.
She looked like she had been up for awhile. She was dressed in work attire and hurrying about.
“I’ll get out of here so you can do your thing!” I said as I savored the hot, brewed cup of coffee.
“No don’t hurry on my account. Stay as long as you want. I’ve got to get to the office but you can stay. Just lock the door on your way out.”
She was smiling, and sitting beside me on the couch. I still had morning voice and felt like crap. Being hung over and scared mindless will do that to you.
She laughed and kissed my cheek, “You’re adorable in the morning!”
“You must still be drunk!” I shot back at her.
“Ha! Smart ass!” she replied.
I rubbed my eyes tight, trying to make them focus and to give me time to think of what to say. For the first time in my life I had nothing to say. Or rather, I did, but I felt nervous and dammit, dare I say it? Happy. There, I said it. Alex Cordova had just spent the night with a woman and nothing happened, well apart from the kisses, and he was happy. Giddy almost. Huh, imagine that!
“What are you grinning about?”
I looked at her and said, “Thinking what a pair we are, falling asleep like that!”
She laughed. “Uh and for the record you snore!”
“Me? Never!”
I stood up and got ready to leave.
“You can stay I told you…”
“Thanks I know, but I better get home, check on the office…”
We walked hand in hand to the front door. She locked it. and we walked down the stairs.
“I’m so glad we finally met!” she gushed.
“Me too. So, have a good day! Call you later…”
We kissed quickly, rather abruptly and that was partly my fault. I just had the sudden urge to get the hell away from there.
Here’s the thing, I know she liked me. I know that she was attracted to me. She confessed her attraction to me one night in an email. We were fighting actually. I said something that offended her and she shot back at me and in the end, I apologized and she professed her “crush” to me. She made it too easy for me. I knew that I could call her at any minute of the day or night and she would literally drop whatever she was doing for me. I’m not being cocky either, ok, maybe a little bit. But it was true. The girl was crazy about me and I took advantage of that. Of course I see that now, but back then, back then I didn’t have a clue.
That was the first and last time I saw her. Almost a year ago. I never called her again. She emailed me a few times, asking what was wrong, asking why I was being such a jerk. I never responded. I still have the messages my secretary gave me. I kept them to remind myself what an ass I was. What can I say? I lived up to my name: Asshole Alex.
Now you might be thinking, “Hell he’s a nut job!” or maybe even, “She should keep running and fast!” Yeah, I agree. The thing is I don’t know why I ran. I liked her. I was attracted to her and found her to be so sweet, and loving with a sense of humor almost as crazy as mine. Why then, would I just run away from that??? Sigh, I don’t know.
I never told anyone. And I avoided my buddy’s law firm like the plague. His receptionist would no doubt shoot me upon sight! I was running out of excuses not to go there!
Life continued. My business boomed. I met a woman, we started dating and fell in love. I allowed myself to let her into my solitary world, my inner circle as it were. Things were great. Or I willed them to be. But in the back of my mind I thought of Bianca. I wondered how she was, if she was happy, if she ever forgave me…
My rationing of my behavior towards her was that I would only have hurt her in the long run, so I softened the blow so to speak. Yeah, yeah I know, lame and crappy and a real jerk. But that is how I handled the guilt. I still was not sure what the hell made me run! The fact that she “might” make me happy? The fact that I could fall for her? Whatever. It’s done. I was with Melissa now.
I continued with my life and the uphill and downhill battles that confronted me. I put Bianca to rest. Never imagining that I would ever see her again. But alas, a good friend of mine called Karma, made sure that the total opposite would occur.
I walked into my office one day to find a fed ex box laying on my desk.
“Priscilla what’s this?” I yelled at my secretary.
I picked it up, it was addressed to me not my company.
I opened it. It was a book. A brand spanking new book at that! One of those hard backs. “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless” –that was the title of the book. Who would send me a book???? I was about to throw it aside when I glanced at the author’s name –Bianca Tornero. My heart began to race.
I fell into my chair, still holding the book. There was no note. Nothing. Heh, not even an autograph from her! Just the book. Being the cocky, arrogant bastard that I am, I quickly opened it and went to the dedicatory portion of the book. Wow, amazingly, no mention of me! Haha Just the title, “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless”. I read the entire book that afternoon. I ignored phone calls, canceled meetings and holed myself up in my office until the very last word was read. And when I was finished, I felt like the biggest loser in the universe. While the book was fiction, the premise of the story and the main character –the villain, was me. Of course she didn’t call me out. She was too classy for that. So she used her words to cut to the very core of my existence, of my soul, to tell how much I hurt her.
“Don’t hang up it’s me, Alex.”
Sometime in the middle of the night I called her. I had never erased her phone number from my phone. I only hoped it was still the same. And when she answered, and I heard her voice, I almost jumped for joy!
I realized that there was no response to my plea.
“Bianca? Hello? Are you still there?”
“What do you want Alex?”
She sounded sleepy. I guess she would at 3:00 in the morning.
“I uh, I got the book. Congratulations! You did it! I’m sure it will be a best seller!”
“This is why you woke me up?”
“I need to see you. I need to explain…”
”There is nothing to explain. I don’t want to see you. Ever. Let this be the last time you contact me Alex. I sent you the book because I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to know…” her voice broke.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I never meant to hurt you…”
“Good bye Alex.”
“Wait, Bianca I …”
The line went dead.
Dammit! My numerous attempts to contact her were futile. She never answered again.
That night was the last time I ever heard from her.
So my life, well Melissa and I split up shortly after the Bianca fiasco. I realized that I didn’t love Melissa. Not the way she wanted me to and certainly not the way she deserved.
A little too late I realized I was in love with Bianca.
I’ve read articles and books about women trying to figure out men and how in the end, when all is said and done, they can’t. No one can. Who knows why I acted the way I did with Bianca. Why I ran from something that might have turned into something beautiful. Who knows!? Certainly not me.
A long time ago I met a woman that would teach me how to be happy with myself, to laugh, to love
Crave
you
still
always
i know better
i deserve better
but my heart
won't listen to reason
and so
my insatiating urge for you
goes on...
still
always
i know better
i deserve better
but my heart
won't listen to reason
and so
my insatiating urge for you
goes on...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Morning ramble
Something about a brand new day that helps put things into perspective!
Sun is shinning, it's Africa HOT, but am hopeful for a GREAT day!
Life is beautiful!
Ciao!
Sun is shinning, it's Africa HOT, but am hopeful for a GREAT day!
Life is beautiful!
Ciao!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Letting Go
For the longest time, I have been holding on to something that I never had. A fantasy. But there comes a time when you have to ask yourself, "How much longer?" I woke up this morning determined to stay focused and keep sight of what I want and where I want to be and what I need to do to get there.
Determined.
I should have done this long ago, but again, I was weak when it came to this and so, I would give in to temptation, lose all sef-control and repeat the pattern for years.
Until today.
I finally let go. I finally purged myself of something that I had grown addicted to. Closed the door. That what I speak of is nothing drug or alcohol related, so family and friends, don't call me! :) But addiction nonetheless. I use the word "addiction" because it's the closest I can come to defining how I felt -or still feel but working on it.
I realized that in order for me to heal emotionally, mentally and physically, I first had to rid my life of the "clutter" that blocked my way. The "addiction" was a main obstacle. Somehow, I mustered up the necessary courage to just "let it go".
And I cried, and I cried and I cried -for many reasons. But I feel lighter now, and almost empowered. Weird I know.
Amazing what a little "house cleaning" can do for your outlook in life!
I am grateful for those few people who know what I am referring to. I would be a basket case were it not for them! I am truly a lucky girl! :)
And so, it's done.
Determined.
I should have done this long ago, but again, I was weak when it came to this and so, I would give in to temptation, lose all sef-control and repeat the pattern for years.
Until today.
I finally let go. I finally purged myself of something that I had grown addicted to. Closed the door. That what I speak of is nothing drug or alcohol related, so family and friends, don't call me! :) But addiction nonetheless. I use the word "addiction" because it's the closest I can come to defining how I felt -or still feel but working on it.
I realized that in order for me to heal emotionally, mentally and physically, I first had to rid my life of the "clutter" that blocked my way. The "addiction" was a main obstacle. Somehow, I mustered up the necessary courage to just "let it go".
And I cried, and I cried and I cried -for many reasons. But I feel lighter now, and almost empowered. Weird I know.
Amazing what a little "house cleaning" can do for your outlook in life!
I am grateful for those few people who know what I am referring to. I would be a basket case were it not for them! I am truly a lucky girl! :)
And so, it's done.
The "Disappearing" Act
Nothing makes me angrier than the dreaded "Disappearing" Act! What? You don't know what I'm talking about? Well sit a spell, take your shoes off...
Comfy? Good. Now then, when I refer to the "Disappearing" Act, I am referring to man going MIA! Almost from the face of the earth! Case in point, I mentioned a few blogs ago, that I went out on a pretty decent date. And I also mentioned the possibility of having a date number two! Ha! Well, it's been almost two weeks and that "great" guy I was referring to is nowhere to be found! GASP! (totally for dramatic flair of course!) The day after "the date" he TEXT MESSAGED (yeah, that's for another blog!)me what a great time he had and can't wait to see me again and the "ever popular", "I'll call you later"!!!! Riiiiight. Hmm, well, still waiting for his call. See what I mean? I called him over the weekend, no answer, left a message -a brief one along the lines of "Hey! Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing!" And then I hung up. What I really wanted to say was, "Um, why haven't you called me?" But no, I opted for choice number two, that being the "carefree, non committal message". Ugh! I just don't get why "they" disappear! What is so hard about being hones and upfront? Maybe he changed his mind, maybe he decided to go back to an ex, or maybe he's laid up on some cold, hospital bed! I don't know! I'm just grasping here! I'll never get it, ever. If you have no intention of seeing someone again, why say you do? I mean, okay, maybe in high school or maybe (and that's a stretch) in college you did this but come on now, you're a big boy! An adult even -one would think! Pffft! I don't know. But as my friend Carla says, "boys are just dumb and really, really, simple."
Houdini ain't got nothing on them!
Comfy? Good. Now then, when I refer to the "Disappearing" Act, I am referring to man going MIA! Almost from the face of the earth! Case in point, I mentioned a few blogs ago, that I went out on a pretty decent date. And I also mentioned the possibility of having a date number two! Ha! Well, it's been almost two weeks and that "great" guy I was referring to is nowhere to be found! GASP! (totally for dramatic flair of course!) The day after "the date" he TEXT MESSAGED (yeah, that's for another blog!)me what a great time he had and can't wait to see me again and the "ever popular", "I'll call you later"!!!! Riiiiight. Hmm, well, still waiting for his call. See what I mean? I called him over the weekend, no answer, left a message -a brief one along the lines of "Hey! Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing!" And then I hung up. What I really wanted to say was, "Um, why haven't you called me?" But no, I opted for choice number two, that being the "carefree, non committal message". Ugh! I just don't get why "they" disappear! What is so hard about being hones and upfront? Maybe he changed his mind, maybe he decided to go back to an ex, or maybe he's laid up on some cold, hospital bed! I don't know! I'm just grasping here! I'll never get it, ever. If you have no intention of seeing someone again, why say you do? I mean, okay, maybe in high school or maybe (and that's a stretch) in college you did this but come on now, you're a big boy! An adult even -one would think! Pffft! I don't know. But as my friend Carla says, "boys are just dumb and really, really, simple."
Houdini ain't got nothing on them!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Simple words
Henry David Thoreau once said, "Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
Perhaps this summizes a big part of how I felt today or have been feeling lately.
Onward and all that...
Perhaps this summizes a big part of how I felt today or have been feeling lately.
Onward and all that...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Ten Happies
In an effort to make myself seem less gloomy, I decided I would list the top ten things that make me happy. Here they are in no particular order:
1. Hearing my nephew Ethan say, "I love you Aunt Yvonne"
2. Family time -when all my brothers and sister and their spouses and the kiddos and my mom (sometimes my dad) get together and just hang together.
3. Putting my toes in the sand
4. Being on the beach
5. A rainbow in the sky
6. A sunset
7. Being loved
8. Friends
9. Writing
10. Music
If you'd see me now, you would see a big smile on my face...
1. Hearing my nephew Ethan say, "I love you Aunt Yvonne"
2. Family time -when all my brothers and sister and their spouses and the kiddos and my mom (sometimes my dad) get together and just hang together.
3. Putting my toes in the sand
4. Being on the beach
5. A rainbow in the sky
6. A sunset
7. Being loved
8. Friends
9. Writing
10. Music
If you'd see me now, you would see a big smile on my face...
In My Head You Will Find...
Today was a weird day for me -emotionally I mean. I woke up, lay in bed for what seems an eternity. I kept telling myself I needed to get up and get ready for church. Then I convinced myself that I would just go in the evening instead. Thus, freeing my day to do whatever I wanted. What did I want to do? An overwhelming, -I'm pausing here, because I can't really put into words what I was feeling- I guess, a combination of sadness and fear? Hmm, ok we'll go with that for now! I've been questioning myself a lot lately, my life, choices I have made...
Maybe it's because I'm tired, so tired of living the way I have been. Going through the motions, but not really feeling, keeping myself at bay, so I won't be heartbroken, purposely sabotaging anything remotely tangible. See what I mean? But today, today I woke up feeling, empty. This so not how I envisioned my life. I realized that I am very unhappy, inside, with myself. So how on earth can I emit happiness if the light in mybody is off??? I can't. -This is what spun in my head as I lay there, in bed, procrastinating my day.
So I got up, robotically got dressed and headed out the door to nowhere in particular. My cell phone kept ringing incessantly. But I didn't answer. Whoever was calling, would have to wait. I didn't feel like talking. Almost like taking an inpromptu vow of silence -almost. :)
I found myself heading in the direction of one of my safe havens. -The bookstore. I can go into a bookstore and inhale the smell, feel the textures, relish in the words of whatever book I pick up, and feel almost euphoric! Seriously. I get almost giddy! I know, I know, pathetic isn't it? A friend of mine told me that I was having sex with bookstores all over Houston! He said I was substituting men with books. Wow, no wonder I always left the bookstores with a smile on my face! Yeah well, I think my friend is kind of retarded! Anyway, I stayed a few hours, people watched, thought a lot about myself and prayed. Prayed for direction, prayed for inner peace, prayed for my forgiveness. Not God's, I know I have that already. It's my own forgiveness that I don't have.
Life is passing by, so, so fast.
The way I was feeling today reminded me of a book I'm currently reading. THe passage goes like this:
'the random ordering of the world, the unimaginable odds against any particular condition, still please me. [..] never believed in fate or providence, or the future being made by someone in the sky. Instead, at every instant, a trillion trillion possible futures; the pickiness of pure chance and physical laws seemed like freedom' (I.McEwan Saturday)
-"A trillion, trillion possible futures" so true, the question remaining is which one do I choose to live?
So my visit to my "other" sanctuary (my first being church, which by the way, I did not go to mass as I said I would)calmed me, for awhile.
But I still have so many questions, so many answers I need.
On deck is Monday, and I've got to get out of this funk before I drive myself insane!
My life -to be continued...
Maybe it's because I'm tired, so tired of living the way I have been. Going through the motions, but not really feeling, keeping myself at bay, so I won't be heartbroken, purposely sabotaging anything remotely tangible. See what I mean? But today, today I woke up feeling, empty. This so not how I envisioned my life. I realized that I am very unhappy, inside, with myself. So how on earth can I emit happiness if the light in mybody is off??? I can't. -This is what spun in my head as I lay there, in bed, procrastinating my day.
So I got up, robotically got dressed and headed out the door to nowhere in particular. My cell phone kept ringing incessantly. But I didn't answer. Whoever was calling, would have to wait. I didn't feel like talking. Almost like taking an inpromptu vow of silence -almost. :)
I found myself heading in the direction of one of my safe havens. -The bookstore. I can go into a bookstore and inhale the smell, feel the textures, relish in the words of whatever book I pick up, and feel almost euphoric! Seriously. I get almost giddy! I know, I know, pathetic isn't it? A friend of mine told me that I was having sex with bookstores all over Houston! He said I was substituting men with books. Wow, no wonder I always left the bookstores with a smile on my face! Yeah well, I think my friend is kind of retarded! Anyway, I stayed a few hours, people watched, thought a lot about myself and prayed. Prayed for direction, prayed for inner peace, prayed for my forgiveness. Not God's, I know I have that already. It's my own forgiveness that I don't have.
Life is passing by, so, so fast.
The way I was feeling today reminded me of a book I'm currently reading. THe passage goes like this:
'the random ordering of the world, the unimaginable odds against any particular condition, still please me. [..] never believed in fate or providence, or the future being made by someone in the sky. Instead, at every instant, a trillion trillion possible futures; the pickiness of pure chance and physical laws seemed like freedom' (I.McEwan Saturday)
-"A trillion, trillion possible futures" so true, the question remaining is which one do I choose to live?
So my visit to my "other" sanctuary (my first being church, which by the way, I did not go to mass as I said I would)calmed me, for awhile.
But I still have so many questions, so many answers I need.
On deck is Monday, and I've got to get out of this funk before I drive myself insane!
My life -to be continued...
Friday, August 13, 2010
Things on my mind...
What is it about me that always, always goes back to the pain? Willfully!!!! Just as I'm starting to come out of this emotional choke hold I've been under, just as I'm starting to be a little happy, I completely sabotage all the progress I've made by doing the one thing I've been desperately trying to get over? This isn't the first time I do this mind you. It's like rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, and rinse, repeat with me. I did this today. I know better and yet, still I was weak, and now I'm left with the residue of my actions. And I'm angry -at myself mostly. But as my therapist (yes I see one from time to time) tells me, I have to stop being so hard on myself. So I did it again, take a deep breath, move on and let it go. That's what I'm supposed to do. But instead I obsess about it and beat myself up about it. Sigh, baby steps...
Avoidance - My mom is the best! She's been both mother and father (he's around just, not) and the one thing she always instilled in my brothers and sister and me, was always to confront whatever issues we had. Handle everything face forward and deal with the situation. She's amazing! Sadly, I take after my dad, meaning, I avoid confrontation, avoid difficult situations and if things get too hard, I just avoid, period. It can be as simple as a phone call from someone I don't want to speak to. Now, any normal person would answer it and tell them to leave you alone or not to call you anymore or something like that! I just don't answer, don't return phone calls, texts ---somehow, I hope that they will eventually get the message. That part of me sucks. I am trying very hard to change that, I keep having conversations about this with my mom. She's she some light on this dillemma but I have a long road ahead of me before I can say I'm cured! lol
Impulsiveness - I am one of the most impulsive, compulsive, impetuous people I know! Being impulsive can be ok, but sometimes, it is bad! lol It's just that I react and act almost simultaneously! Not considering the consequences, not counting to 10 first and then, think about doing whatever it is I want to do. No not me, I punch first and ask questions later. hehe
Laughter - I haven't laughed in a very long time. I miss that.
More on my progress later! It's Friday! Weekend abounds, endless possibilities await me! That and the Pat Benatar concert at House of Blues tonight!
Avoidance - My mom is the best! She's been both mother and father (he's around just, not) and the one thing she always instilled in my brothers and sister and me, was always to confront whatever issues we had. Handle everything face forward and deal with the situation. She's amazing! Sadly, I take after my dad, meaning, I avoid confrontation, avoid difficult situations and if things get too hard, I just avoid, period. It can be as simple as a phone call from someone I don't want to speak to. Now, any normal person would answer it and tell them to leave you alone or not to call you anymore or something like that! I just don't answer, don't return phone calls, texts ---somehow, I hope that they will eventually get the message. That part of me sucks. I am trying very hard to change that, I keep having conversations about this with my mom. She's she some light on this dillemma but I have a long road ahead of me before I can say I'm cured! lol
Impulsiveness - I am one of the most impulsive, compulsive, impetuous people I know! Being impulsive can be ok, but sometimes, it is bad! lol It's just that I react and act almost simultaneously! Not considering the consequences, not counting to 10 first and then, think about doing whatever it is I want to do. No not me, I punch first and ask questions later. hehe
Laughter - I haven't laughed in a very long time. I miss that.
More on my progress later! It's Friday! Weekend abounds, endless possibilities await me! That and the Pat Benatar concert at House of Blues tonight!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Fog
Walls closing in
Incessant tears falling down my face
Laughter empty and fake
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
Longings
Fear
Darkness, lots of darkness
Denial
Acceptance
Denial
I've just described the last two months of my life. Circumstances, life happens and we either deal with the hand we're dealt or we don't. For awhile, even though I wanted to deal with it, I couldn't. But through the help of family and close friends, even strangers, slowly, very slowly, the fog is lifting and light is returning to my life.
Hopeful.
Incessant tears falling down my face
Laughter empty and fake
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
Longings
Fear
Darkness, lots of darkness
Denial
Acceptance
Denial
I've just described the last two months of my life. Circumstances, life happens and we either deal with the hand we're dealt or we don't. For awhile, even though I wanted to deal with it, I couldn't. But through the help of family and close friends, even strangers, slowly, very slowly, the fog is lifting and light is returning to my life.
Hopeful.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Good bye
I attended a rosary/viewing tonight. My sister in law's daddy passed away on Saturday. I first met Mr. G way back when ALGS was only 17 years old. She eventually married my brother Rene. Mr. G was a very nice man, intelligent and he loved and provided for his family always. His untimely death -why do people say that anyway? "Untimely"? As if there is ever a good time for death. But I digress...
My sister in law always, always, spoke highly of her daddy. And she loved him more than mere words can ever express. Tonight, after I paid my respect, I went to hug ALGS. I lost it. The tears just came out and I couldn't stop them. I told her I loved her daddy too, and that I wished
-many times that my daddy would be like hers. I know, I know, that doesn't say much for mine, but it's true. Ugh! Enough, that's another blog, not this one.
I then held my oldest niece Sydney. She's 9 years old. My brother Rene's daughter. She told me she was really sad about her grandpa and that she already missed him very much.
The funeral home was standing room only. Mr. G would be happy to see so many of his family and friends there. I'm sure he's up in heaven, having a beer with his son Paul, and smiling down at everyone.
Rest in Peace RG.
My sister in law always, always, spoke highly of her daddy. And she loved him more than mere words can ever express. Tonight, after I paid my respect, I went to hug ALGS. I lost it. The tears just came out and I couldn't stop them. I told her I loved her daddy too, and that I wished
-many times that my daddy would be like hers. I know, I know, that doesn't say much for mine, but it's true. Ugh! Enough, that's another blog, not this one.
I then held my oldest niece Sydney. She's 9 years old. My brother Rene's daughter. She told me she was really sad about her grandpa and that she already missed him very much.
The funeral home was standing room only. Mr. G would be happy to see so many of his family and friends there. I'm sure he's up in heaven, having a beer with his son Paul, and smiling down at everyone.
Rest in Peace RG.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The little things...
It's Monday, I'm seeing a the light at the end of the tunnel, I went on a great "first date", and I'm looking forward to Friday! Why you ask, or not, if you don't, bear with me as I tell you why anyway! Eat Pray Love -comes out this weekend! Soooo excited about this movie! I read the book a few years ago, when it first came out and fell in love with it. Like "Sex in the City" the movie love -but different! My girlfriends and I have already made the necessary "plans" to go watch it. Of course there is the obligatory "dinner/drinks" before hand. Something about food and alcohol makes everything all better, especially the alcohol! So, as I said, I'm seeing a light at the end of the this tunnel of blackness that I have been living in for what seems like forever! It's a faint light, but a light nonetheless!
Happy Monday!
Oh wait! I can hear my cell phone ringing now! "You went on a date???", "Who did you go out with?" and "Oh HELL NO! Spill it!!!!" ---in an effort to quiet the inquiries from friends who have nothing better to do but dote on my sometimes pathetic NON EXISTENT dating life, I will "spill" about "THE DATE".
Not much to tell really, met through mutual friends, hit if off immediately, nice, really, really, nice guy. Cute. EMPLOYED and HETEROSEXUAL!!!!! Damn I've hit the jackpot!!!! Hey, these days, these three things are super important to women -this woman anyway!
So THE GUY, he's younger than me, yes this little fact will no doubt ensue questions for another time and another blog. For now, lets just keep it simple. Where was I? Oh yeah, he's younger than me, we have commonalities and we seem to have a mutual attraction to each other. Enough said. I don't want to jinx or rush anything. So that's all any of you are getting! Besides, it was a first date, and as far as first dates go with me, I didn't want to kick his ass at the end of it, so, it was a success. Those that are familiar with my "first date" adventures will appreciate this. Those that are not, imagine Lucy Ricardo on Ritalin or Acid -same difference! Alright, will there be a second date? Higly likely. Stay tuned.
Alright, now...
Happy Monday!
Happy Monday!
Oh wait! I can hear my cell phone ringing now! "You went on a date???", "Who did you go out with?" and "Oh HELL NO! Spill it!!!!" ---in an effort to quiet the inquiries from friends who have nothing better to do but dote on my sometimes pathetic NON EXISTENT dating life, I will "spill" about "THE DATE".
Not much to tell really, met through mutual friends, hit if off immediately, nice, really, really, nice guy. Cute. EMPLOYED and HETEROSEXUAL!!!!! Damn I've hit the jackpot!!!! Hey, these days, these three things are super important to women -this woman anyway!
So THE GUY, he's younger than me, yes this little fact will no doubt ensue questions for another time and another blog. For now, lets just keep it simple. Where was I? Oh yeah, he's younger than me, we have commonalities and we seem to have a mutual attraction to each other. Enough said. I don't want to jinx or rush anything. So that's all any of you are getting! Besides, it was a first date, and as far as first dates go with me, I didn't want to kick his ass at the end of it, so, it was a success. Those that are familiar with my "first date" adventures will appreciate this. Those that are not, imagine Lucy Ricardo on Ritalin or Acid -same difference! Alright, will there be a second date? Higly likely. Stay tuned.
Alright, now...
Happy Monday!
Is it "Love"?
People say "I love you" all the time it seems! Some people spit it out almost in their sleep, without so much as a second thought. -Yes it would be difficult if they were really sleeping but for drama purposes, I'm allowing this "scenario"!!! :)
For me, telling someone that you love them comes easily but I am a bit selfish when it comes to whom I give my love too. A bit the "selective" so to speak. Is that wrong? Recently, a group of friends (men and women) were sitting around, having a few drinks, and discussing what else? Life! Well, "Life" moved on to "Love" and the question was posed: "Do you tell everyone in your life that you love them? And if so, DO you love them? Really?"
I thought about it and decided that no, I don't just tell anyone that I love them. Sure, I tell my family and my friends and ever so often, that special person that has my heart. But I won't say it if I don't mean it. For me, I have to feel it, live it, and relish in it! Love is beautiful, a wonderful emotion! I for one don't take it lightly or for granted.
So I recited that exact response to my freinds and almost all of them cried "Bullshit!" They said everyone says "I love you" because everyone has an agenda. "Quid pro quo" if you will. Well, I disagreed of course! I mean, I can honestly say that I have never used those words just to get something in return or in the heat of a passionate moment or because it seemed like the "right" thing to do! None of us at that table could agree to disagree or could agree period! Everyone wanted to give their reasoning behind the "I love you" phenomenon!!
The discussion quickly moved on to a different topic but left me wondering and pondering that wonderful word that is LOVE.
I summized it like this: I love love. I am a dreamer. I guess people like me take those words "I love you" a bit more seriously than others. Doesn't make me any better than them or any less than them. I think it just makes me human.
To each his own I suppose
For me, telling someone that you love them comes easily but I am a bit selfish when it comes to whom I give my love too. A bit the "selective" so to speak. Is that wrong? Recently, a group of friends (men and women) were sitting around, having a few drinks, and discussing what else? Life! Well, "Life" moved on to "Love" and the question was posed: "Do you tell everyone in your life that you love them? And if so, DO you love them? Really?"
I thought about it and decided that no, I don't just tell anyone that I love them. Sure, I tell my family and my friends and ever so often, that special person that has my heart. But I won't say it if I don't mean it. For me, I have to feel it, live it, and relish in it! Love is beautiful, a wonderful emotion! I for one don't take it lightly or for granted.
So I recited that exact response to my freinds and almost all of them cried "Bullshit!" They said everyone says "I love you" because everyone has an agenda. "Quid pro quo" if you will. Well, I disagreed of course! I mean, I can honestly say that I have never used those words just to get something in return or in the heat of a passionate moment or because it seemed like the "right" thing to do! None of us at that table could agree to disagree or could agree period! Everyone wanted to give their reasoning behind the "I love you" phenomenon!!
The discussion quickly moved on to a different topic but left me wondering and pondering that wonderful word that is LOVE.
I summized it like this: I love love. I am a dreamer. I guess people like me take those words "I love you" a bit more seriously than others. Doesn't make me any better than them or any less than them. I think it just makes me human.
To each his own I suppose
The Winning Team
I was looking at some of my older pieces and found this funny note! Perhaps funny only to me but indulge me as I recount this anectdote. And rest assured, I will forward it to my friend Kerby who now resides in D.C.
-for a laugh!
I have a friend who lives here in Houston but is originally from New York. Accent and all! By default I guess that he "has" to be a New York Mets fan too! Make no mistake, he's a fan all right! Yeah I know, "What a LOSER"!!! lol I'm a die-hard Astros fan. Everytime they are in town we take turns at giving each other grief about both teams. He claims the Astros are not even in the same "league" as the Mets... Of course we're not! We have class!! Silly Kerby.
The Mets will forever be the ENEMY in my world! I just can't take the sour taste out of my mouth that they left way back when in 1986... The only good thing I will EVER say about the New York Mets is that I used to be in love with their pitcher, Ron Darling No. 12. He was HOT!!! lol
I'm currently looking for a 12 step program that will encourage Kerb to face his horrible addiction to "that" team and stop the madness!!!
I will keep everyone posted on his progress!
-for a laugh!
I have a friend who lives here in Houston but is originally from New York. Accent and all! By default I guess that he "has" to be a New York Mets fan too! Make no mistake, he's a fan all right! Yeah I know, "What a LOSER"!!! lol I'm a die-hard Astros fan. Everytime they are in town we take turns at giving each other grief about both teams. He claims the Astros are not even in the same "league" as the Mets... Of course we're not! We have class!! Silly Kerby.
The Mets will forever be the ENEMY in my world! I just can't take the sour taste out of my mouth that they left way back when in 1986... The only good thing I will EVER say about the New York Mets is that I used to be in love with their pitcher, Ron Darling No. 12. He was HOT!!! lol
I'm currently looking for a 12 step program that will encourage Kerb to face his horrible addiction to "that" team and stop the madness!!!
I will keep everyone posted on his progress!
A Wedding, A Death and A New Job
Things have been so weird for me lately. My emotions have been running rampant and I haven't been able to get rid of the "monster" which is what I affectionately call my current bout with depression. But life goes on right? Right.
Wedding
So this weekend, my brother Carlos and his wife Khristine decided to get married. -Again! They've been married for 5 years now but just recently decided that they needed to be married in the church. Besides, every Catholic knows that a wedding is just not a wedding if it's not in a church! Well, that's what my brother Carlos thinks anyway. The ceremony was very nice. Very simple, intimate (just a few friends and family). The reception took place in their home, outside -gazebo style. At least that was the plan! Mother nature on the other hand, had her own agenda. Just as the musician hired to entertain us with his voice and guitar, started setting up, the skies opened up and rained on our parade -er, wedding. We scrambled about moving everything inside and within a matter of a few minutes, all was well again in the Salvatierra household and the celebrating commenced! It's always fun when our family is together. Lots of laughter, picture taking, eating, drinking, dancing and more drinking! Good times!
Death
Just as we arrived to my brother's house after the wedding ceremony, we were met with devastating news. My brother Rene's wife, had just lost her daddy to horrible, unexpected and menacing death. Her father had been ill and in the hospital for over a week, but it was nothing life-threatening. Until Saturday, when the illness took over his body, and he took a turn for the worse. It happened so fast. Needless to say, none of us felt like celebrating much after receiving the news. We all knew him, our families were friends. I felt so bad for him, for my sister in law and her family, and for my beautiful nieces. So sad. But because we knew he would have wanted us to "celebrate" and not be sad, we did just that.
New Job
Just as I sat down and started mapping out my week, trying to figure out who I was going to harass for an interview, a job, my phone rang. It was after 8:00 p.m. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it! lol They left a message and after checking it, I found out that it was a potentinal employer I had interviewed with last week. He offered my the position! Told me to call him to "firm" things up. Firm -ha! As in law firm. -Pun totally intended. So I called him back, tied a few loose ends and just like that, I am employed again. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I feel so light I think I can fly now! lol
My weekend in a nutshell.
Wedding
So this weekend, my brother Carlos and his wife Khristine decided to get married. -Again! They've been married for 5 years now but just recently decided that they needed to be married in the church. Besides, every Catholic knows that a wedding is just not a wedding if it's not in a church! Well, that's what my brother Carlos thinks anyway. The ceremony was very nice. Very simple, intimate (just a few friends and family). The reception took place in their home, outside -gazebo style. At least that was the plan! Mother nature on the other hand, had her own agenda. Just as the musician hired to entertain us with his voice and guitar, started setting up, the skies opened up and rained on our parade -er, wedding. We scrambled about moving everything inside and within a matter of a few minutes, all was well again in the Salvatierra household and the celebrating commenced! It's always fun when our family is together. Lots of laughter, picture taking, eating, drinking, dancing and more drinking! Good times!
Death
Just as we arrived to my brother's house after the wedding ceremony, we were met with devastating news. My brother Rene's wife, had just lost her daddy to horrible, unexpected and menacing death. Her father had been ill and in the hospital for over a week, but it was nothing life-threatening. Until Saturday, when the illness took over his body, and he took a turn for the worse. It happened so fast. Needless to say, none of us felt like celebrating much after receiving the news. We all knew him, our families were friends. I felt so bad for him, for my sister in law and her family, and for my beautiful nieces. So sad. But because we knew he would have wanted us to "celebrate" and not be sad, we did just that.
New Job
Just as I sat down and started mapping out my week, trying to figure out who I was going to harass for an interview, a job, my phone rang. It was after 8:00 p.m. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it! lol They left a message and after checking it, I found out that it was a potentinal employer I had interviewed with last week. He offered my the position! Told me to call him to "firm" things up. Firm -ha! As in law firm. -Pun totally intended. So I called him back, tied a few loose ends and just like that, I am employed again. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I feel so light I think I can fly now! lol
My weekend in a nutshell.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid -Or Not...
If memory serves me correctly, I wrote my first "story" in the fourth grade. Mrs. Gaston was my teacher and told us to write about a dog and a happy feeling. I took it upon myself to create what back then, for a 4th grader was a masterpiece! I remember that I received a gold star (the ultimate of ulitmates)for my prose and it was displayed on the tackboard in the front of the classroom for the entire month! Not too shabby eh? I remember I continued writing short stories, stuff I made up about my classmates. The funny thing was I would use everyone's real names, real situations and make up all kinds of stuff! I then would pass around my notebook/tablet to whomever wanted to read what I wrote. Scandulous! Some of my classmates were not too amused but most were intrigued and hooked! Soon I was writing for them all the time and I soon figured out, as long as I wrote to the masses, I was popular! Hmmm, some things never change.
Writing calms me down, excites me, and sometimes, forces me to look into myself -the self that I have a hard time dealing with. I'm not what you call "structured" when it comes to my writing. I'm all over the place! lol Because of this, I get myself into trouble at times. Being very impulsive, I often (too often if you ask me!)act before thinking things out, or speak without regard of the consequences -I can't help it. I'm an "act now" "think later" kind of gal!
I suppose I started this blog to showcase not only what comes out of my mind but also to gain insight into my psyche -if that makes sense? I realize that I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable place. I mean, most of the people that read or will read my blog are people I know. Do I gloss over my words for fear of retaliation from everyone? Hmm, I thought about it and came up with this rationalization: If I have to mind my "p's" and "q's", worry about what others will think of me, of what I write, then, I'm defeating my purpose. I write what I want, however I want. It's what I do. So, although some things ARE better left unsaid, I will take my chances and write the good word or bad word -enough said.
Writing calms me down, excites me, and sometimes, forces me to look into myself -the self that I have a hard time dealing with. I'm not what you call "structured" when it comes to my writing. I'm all over the place! lol Because of this, I get myself into trouble at times. Being very impulsive, I often (too often if you ask me!)act before thinking things out, or speak without regard of the consequences -I can't help it. I'm an "act now" "think later" kind of gal!
I suppose I started this blog to showcase not only what comes out of my mind but also to gain insight into my psyche -if that makes sense? I realize that I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable place. I mean, most of the people that read or will read my blog are people I know. Do I gloss over my words for fear of retaliation from everyone? Hmm, I thought about it and came up with this rationalization: If I have to mind my "p's" and "q's", worry about what others will think of me, of what I write, then, I'm defeating my purpose. I write what I want, however I want. It's what I do. So, although some things ARE better left unsaid, I will take my chances and write the good word or bad word -enough said.
Sleep is Overrated
I miss the nights when my head would hit the pillow and I would fall into a deep sleep. So deep, that I wouldn't open my eyes until the next morning. Sigh, I miss that so much. For the longest time now, I have been battling bouts of insomnia. It normally occurs when I am worried or stressed about something. And as you know (if you've been reading my posts lately) I have lots of worries and lots of stress in my life right now.
Remedies? Ha! I've tried them all! I've gotten so desperate I even tried over the counter medication and well, as you can see, I'm still awake. Sometimes, wine works. Sometimes it doesn't and has the complete opposite effect on me and then I'm up for hours! I'm out of wine at the moment, dammit!
The thing about not sleeping at night is that my mind starts working in overdrive! Non stop chatter in my head! Questions, worries, anxieties, you name it, I'll think it! It's also when I think about well, things I shouldn't be thinking about. Bleh!
How about them Astros???
So tired...
Remedies? Ha! I've tried them all! I've gotten so desperate I even tried over the counter medication and well, as you can see, I'm still awake. Sometimes, wine works. Sometimes it doesn't and has the complete opposite effect on me and then I'm up for hours! I'm out of wine at the moment, dammit!
The thing about not sleeping at night is that my mind starts working in overdrive! Non stop chatter in my head! Questions, worries, anxieties, you name it, I'll think it! It's also when I think about well, things I shouldn't be thinking about. Bleh!
How about them Astros???
So tired...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Dulce Enemiga
"Sweet Enemy" -that's what the title means. I'm sweet and I'm an enemy -to myself. They say that we are our worst/harshest critic, and well, "they" are right, we are. I'm not proud of a lot of things I have done in my life but yet I somehow manage to go on, to persevere. But sometimes, like today, like yesterday, like for the past few weeks, I can't muster up the courage to go on. Oh I manage, and I put on that brave front, and I smile. But inside, inside I'm dying a slow death. I don't like to look in the mirror anymore. The reflection of myself doesn't lie. I see failure. I see failure. I can't get past that, so I simply stop looking. I'm so used to be being "the friend" -the one everyone turns to when they are in trouble, when they are sad, when they need someone to help -that's me. I can motivate like no one else! Sadly, I just can't do it to myself. The part that kills me is that I've let down the one person in the world who loves me the most -my mom. It absolutely tears me apart when I see her, because I can see all of her worries, her doubts, her disappointments when she looks at me.
I know this dark period of my life will pass. It always does. But how do make sure it doesn't return? Can I? And how, oh how do I get out of this black hole? I'm clawing my way out, but I keep slipping.
This is not me...
I know this dark period of my life will pass. It always does. But how do make sure it doesn't return? Can I? And how, oh how do I get out of this black hole? I'm clawing my way out, but I keep slipping.
This is not me...
Much Ado About Nothing
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sometimes the best way to get through a life changing ordeal, is to get through it FAST! Kind of like ripping off a band-aide versus, tugging gingerly at it until it falls off. I did that today. Suddenly, my "self" went into auto pilot and left all emotions at the door. For you see, with emotions, come questions, and tears, and regrets and all of those pesky little things that prevent us from doing what we know we have to do. I didn't have time for that. I did what needed to be done and now I'm giving in to those "emotions".
Sometimes lack of sleep and exhaustion cause me to ramble incessantly.
Sometimes, a strawberry snowcone makes everything all better
Sometimes the best way to get through a life changing ordeal, is to get through it FAST! Kind of like ripping off a band-aide versus, tugging gingerly at it until it falls off. I did that today. Suddenly, my "self" went into auto pilot and left all emotions at the door. For you see, with emotions, come questions, and tears, and regrets and all of those pesky little things that prevent us from doing what we know we have to do. I didn't have time for that. I did what needed to be done and now I'm giving in to those "emotions".
Sometimes lack of sleep and exhaustion cause me to ramble incessantly.
Sometimes, a strawberry snowcone makes everything all better
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Return
Sorry been away
Life got in the way
Detours and unexpected destinations brought me back home,
to my words.
Life got in the way
Detours and unexpected destinations brought me back home,
to my words.
The "Bad Boy" Syndrome
What is it about the "unattainable" that makes us want it even more? I was speaking to a couple of male friends of mine on Friday night and both of them agreed that women are attracted to the "bad boy" for various reasons, the top two being the "danger" he may bring and the "excitement" he may provide to our otherwise boring life. -Okay, so I'm not quoting word for word but that was the gist of what both of my guy friends said. Is that true? I must admit, I too am attracted to the "bad boy" at times. In fact, it was the reason this entire conversation took place. I am currently going through "bad boy" withdrawal and they -my buddies, wanted to make me "see the light". Alas, it didn't happen but we had a great conversation nonetheless!
So I pose this question, "What is the attraction to falling for the "bad boy" syndrome? In my case, I was immediately attracted to him, and once I got to know him, I was pretty much lusting for him. And so it goes. The thing is, I can't have him. He's more like a fantasy slowly becoming an obsession. -For me. Yes he excites me, and yes there is a bit of "danger" having him in my life (however minuscule that may be) and yes, he knows and yes, he doesn't care. Pathetic isn't it? Of course it is. Which is why I'm trying to figure out what the allure is to this type of person?
One of my guy friends asked me what my ultimate goal was for this person. My "ultimate goal"??? Seriously? I laughed because I don't have an agenda. I mean, I know what I would like to have happen but I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it will EVER happen. Both of my friends asked why almost immediately. To which I responded by saying that this guy was way out of my league.
Out of pity or probably because we were well on our way to no longer being sober, they ordered another round and proceeded to tell me to "snap the hell out of it!" lol I know they mean well, and I know I need to snap out of whatever it is I'm under but I can't. It's almost something bigger than me. The best way I can describe it is having an indescribable thirst and nothing quenches it, not water, not juices, not anything, except that person that you desire. Sigh, it's not a good place to be in. I realize this but once you're in this abyss, how do you get out?
In my case, I know nothing will ever come of this attraction, crush, fantasy, -whatever you want to label it. I know in my heart that it is what it is and nothing more. What I wish someone would shed light on is "Why the attraction?" -especially if that attraction or those emotions are not reciprocated? Why? Because I'm a masochist and love to suffer? Because I just want what I can't have?
Why?
So I pose this question, "What is the attraction to falling for the "bad boy" syndrome? In my case, I was immediately attracted to him, and once I got to know him, I was pretty much lusting for him. And so it goes. The thing is, I can't have him. He's more like a fantasy slowly becoming an obsession. -For me. Yes he excites me, and yes there is a bit of "danger" having him in my life (however minuscule that may be) and yes, he knows and yes, he doesn't care. Pathetic isn't it? Of course it is. Which is why I'm trying to figure out what the allure is to this type of person?
One of my guy friends asked me what my ultimate goal was for this person. My "ultimate goal"??? Seriously? I laughed because I don't have an agenda. I mean, I know what I would like to have happen but I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it will EVER happen. Both of my friends asked why almost immediately. To which I responded by saying that this guy was way out of my league.
Out of pity or probably because we were well on our way to no longer being sober, they ordered another round and proceeded to tell me to "snap the hell out of it!" lol I know they mean well, and I know I need to snap out of whatever it is I'm under but I can't. It's almost something bigger than me. The best way I can describe it is having an indescribable thirst and nothing quenches it, not water, not juices, not anything, except that person that you desire. Sigh, it's not a good place to be in. I realize this but once you're in this abyss, how do you get out?
In my case, I know nothing will ever come of this attraction, crush, fantasy, -whatever you want to label it. I know in my heart that it is what it is and nothing more. What I wish someone would shed light on is "Why the attraction?" -especially if that attraction or those emotions are not reciprocated? Why? Because I'm a masochist and love to suffer? Because I just want what I can't have?
Why?
"At Night"
When I was seven years old, my dad's uncle would come into my bedroom late at night and touch me in very unlike uncle ways! I knew it was wrong for him to do what he did and I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid. I felt that in some way it was my fault. I didn't want my dad to kick him out, he had nowhere else to go. He was family. So I kept it to myself. Through the course of two years the molesting continued.
I wish I could say that that he was the only one. But I can't and he wasn't. During that time, my dad was doing the same thing. He never went further than touching my "not yet developed" breasts. Still, I hated when he did that. I wanted him to stop. I told him to stop. But he told me to be a good girl. And so I was.
I'm now 20 years old. I live a good life. I live a fast life. I drink heavily. Have lots of sex and like to dominate men. I get paid very well for what I do. Yes I make men pay me to have sex with me. It's a privilege I indulge on a selected few. I don't do drugs. I go to church. I confess my sins. I have a family. Dysfunctional as it is, but I have one. I graduated top five percent from college. I have a degree in Journalism. I write a column for a prestigious woman's magazine. And I whore myself out at night.
I guess it all started one night during my senior year in high school. I was on a date with the "crush" of the week! Geeky, nerdy, accident prone he was, but he was so cute! And he drove a mustang! I gave him my first blow job. I didn't even know what I was doing. But he seemed to enjoy it all the same! I think I may have hurt him though! I was inexperienced, trying to suck something that I had never sucked before. It was awkward. But interestingly enough, I liked it. And so did Julio. That was his name. In fact, he liked it so much he wanted it all the time. Well, I didn't want to do it all the time. So if he wanted it that much, "What's it worth to you?" I asked him after he was practically begging me to go down on him. We were in his car, breathing hard and sweaty after a serious make out session.
"What do you mean?" he asked almost innocently.
I batted my eyelashes at him and smiled. Then I put my face really close to his and said, "If you want me to make you feel good, you're going to have to pay me..."
I can't describe the rush I got from saying that to him. It was fantastic! My heart was pounding and the blood in my body was boiling.
"Pay you? Are you serious?"
I smiled flirtingly at him and said "Yes" almost in a whisper.
He was seventeen years old. How much money could he give me really? I knew that. I just wanted to see if he would do it. And he did. That night I was paid $22.00 to suck his cock. No penetration of any kind. I was only sucking that night.
That was almost four years ago. I now charge anywhere from $100.00 to $1,000.00 a night. Of course I do more than suck at this point.
There are a handful of close friends that know of the double life I lead. They along with my sister hate it and have asked me to seek help. Help? What kind of help could I possibly seek? Imagine going to the psychiatrist and saying, " By day I'm a normal person. By night, I turn into a prostitute, slut, whore, whatever your choice of brand is!" Besides, I didn't want help. I enjoy what I do. I harm no one. I am not married. I have no children. I don't even have a dog. And I'm making money -the old fashioned way.
At my father's funeral, I couldn't control my crying. The tears just would not stop. To this day I do not know if I was crying because keep up with the life I lead. I suppose until I feel vindicated or feel. I've punished myself enough.
I lost my innocence a long time ago.
I wish I could say that that he was the only one. But I can't and he wasn't. During that time, my dad was doing the same thing. He never went further than touching my "not yet developed" breasts. Still, I hated when he did that. I wanted him to stop. I told him to stop. But he told me to be a good girl. And so I was.
I'm now 20 years old. I live a good life. I live a fast life. I drink heavily. Have lots of sex and like to dominate men. I get paid very well for what I do. Yes I make men pay me to have sex with me. It's a privilege I indulge on a selected few. I don't do drugs. I go to church. I confess my sins. I have a family. Dysfunctional as it is, but I have one. I graduated top five percent from college. I have a degree in Journalism. I write a column for a prestigious woman's magazine. And I whore myself out at night.
I guess it all started one night during my senior year in high school. I was on a date with the "crush" of the week! Geeky, nerdy, accident prone he was, but he was so cute! And he drove a mustang! I gave him my first blow job. I didn't even know what I was doing. But he seemed to enjoy it all the same! I think I may have hurt him though! I was inexperienced, trying to suck something that I had never sucked before. It was awkward. But interestingly enough, I liked it. And so did Julio. That was his name. In fact, he liked it so much he wanted it all the time. Well, I didn't want to do it all the time. So if he wanted it that much, "What's it worth to you?" I asked him after he was practically begging me to go down on him. We were in his car, breathing hard and sweaty after a serious make out session.
"What do you mean?" he asked almost innocently.
I batted my eyelashes at him and smiled. Then I put my face really close to his and said, "If you want me to make you feel good, you're going to have to pay me..."
I can't describe the rush I got from saying that to him. It was fantastic! My heart was pounding and the blood in my body was boiling.
"Pay you? Are you serious?"
I smiled flirtingly at him and said "Yes" almost in a whisper.
He was seventeen years old. How much money could he give me really? I knew that. I just wanted to see if he would do it. And he did. That night I was paid $22.00 to suck his cock. No penetration of any kind. I was only sucking that night.
That was almost four years ago. I now charge anywhere from $100.00 to $1,000.00 a night. Of course I do more than suck at this point.
There are a handful of close friends that know of the double life I lead. They along with my sister hate it and have asked me to seek help. Help? What kind of help could I possibly seek? Imagine going to the psychiatrist and saying, " By day I'm a normal person. By night, I turn into a prostitute, slut, whore, whatever your choice of brand is!" Besides, I didn't want help. I enjoy what I do. I harm no one. I am not married. I have no children. I don't even have a dog. And I'm making money -the old fashioned way.
At my father's funeral, I couldn't control my crying. The tears just would not stop. To this day I do not know if I was crying because keep up with the life I lead. I suppose until I feel vindicated or feel. I've punished myself enough.
I lost my innocence a long time ago.
work in progress -a story
"I want you..."
"You want what?"
"I want you NOW! I want to feel you inside me, I need you so bad..."
Words barely audible in the midst of the sexual energy, heavy breathing, and clothes being flung about. For Valencia and Adrian, "making love" was the last thing on their mind. What they wanted and needed and were doing, was "having sex", "fucking" as it were. Time and circumstances had kept them apart for a long time. Too long and now time was ticking and it was time to devour the moment!
She stared at him as his body protruded and he made those oh so funny faces a man makes when he is about to or is having an orgasm. She enjoyed being on top. Being the one "in control", she reveled in the fact that she made him feel this way.
Seductive.
She screamed out over and over as she climaxed. Over and over moaning and calling out his name, kissing his body, letting him touch her there, in that special place that only he knew existed.
Time Out.
Laying there, wrapped in each other's arms, trying to catch their breath and composure, Adrian glances at her, pulls a strand of hair out of her face and just smiles. How she loved that smile. It melted her very existence!
"I love you Vali. I loved you the day we first met. I was just too stupid to accept it."
Valencia sits up, the sheet that was a second ago covering her naked body is now strewn between them. He gazes at her beauty.
"Do you know how long I waited for you to say that?" "Do you?"
She has a tears in her eyes.
Adrian takes her in his arms and cradles her. And there they stayed, hours, professing their love for one another.
To be continued...
"You want what?"
"I want you NOW! I want to feel you inside me, I need you so bad..."
Words barely audible in the midst of the sexual energy, heavy breathing, and clothes being flung about. For Valencia and Adrian, "making love" was the last thing on their mind. What they wanted and needed and were doing, was "having sex", "fucking" as it were. Time and circumstances had kept them apart for a long time. Too long and now time was ticking and it was time to devour the moment!
She stared at him as his body protruded and he made those oh so funny faces a man makes when he is about to or is having an orgasm. She enjoyed being on top. Being the one "in control", she reveled in the fact that she made him feel this way.
Seductive.
She screamed out over and over as she climaxed. Over and over moaning and calling out his name, kissing his body, letting him touch her there, in that special place that only he knew existed.
Time Out.
Laying there, wrapped in each other's arms, trying to catch their breath and composure, Adrian glances at her, pulls a strand of hair out of her face and just smiles. How she loved that smile. It melted her very existence!
"I love you Vali. I loved you the day we first met. I was just too stupid to accept it."
Valencia sits up, the sheet that was a second ago covering her naked body is now strewn between them. He gazes at her beauty.
"Do you know how long I waited for you to say that?" "Do you?"
She has a tears in her eyes.
Adrian takes her in his arms and cradles her. And there they stayed, hours, professing their love for one another.
To be continued...
Lyrics That Sear My Soul
Lyrics That Sear My Soul
Friday, December 25, 2009 at 11:38pm
"I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man" -Kenny Chesney
Maybe one day I will finally be able to call you a memory...
Friday, December 25, 2009 at 11:38pm
"I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man" -Kenny Chesney
Maybe one day I will finally be able to call you a memory...
Jibber Jabber
Mass was packed today. I wish it was packed every Sunday and not just on the Sunday before Christmas and Easter. The sermon today was one I needed to hear. It was almost as if the priest and God were speaking directly to me and I'm glad for that. I need healing and comfort and closure. Well, I need a whole hell of a lot more than that but for now, they will do.
I drove to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world, a bookstore! Yeah, yeah, boring and all that, I know. But I love it! This place makes me feel better if I am feeling bad. I get giddy walking in and must look at every aisle, every book that catches my fancy. I'm in there for hours at a time sometimes! Today I was a bit rushed. Perusing the next best sellers, wondering when MY book will fill one of those slots, moving on to the different genres. Almost 45 minutes later, I leave with my treasures in hand.
Has anyone else noticed how "empty" the Sunday newspaper has become? Oh sure, it's filled with tons of coupons and advertisement but there is no "stories' in there anymore. Not anything newsworthy anyway. All I see are tidbits of celebrity mishaps and maybe a blurb about local news. Nothing substantial. I miss the Sunday paper. I miss that it used to take me hours to read it on Sunday morning.
This past week I kissed a boy. And I liked it. A lot.
Drinking wine on an empty stomach makes me write whatever I'm thinking. Kind of like drunk texting or drunk dialing. lol But hey at least I didn't actually text or call anyone. That's a GOOD thing.
My spelling is stellar though!
You've been a trooper for reading. Please take care of the waitstaff!
Good night.
I drove to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world, a bookstore! Yeah, yeah, boring and all that, I know. But I love it! This place makes me feel better if I am feeling bad. I get giddy walking in and must look at every aisle, every book that catches my fancy. I'm in there for hours at a time sometimes! Today I was a bit rushed. Perusing the next best sellers, wondering when MY book will fill one of those slots, moving on to the different genres. Almost 45 minutes later, I leave with my treasures in hand.
Has anyone else noticed how "empty" the Sunday newspaper has become? Oh sure, it's filled with tons of coupons and advertisement but there is no "stories' in there anymore. Not anything newsworthy anyway. All I see are tidbits of celebrity mishaps and maybe a blurb about local news. Nothing substantial. I miss the Sunday paper. I miss that it used to take me hours to read it on Sunday morning.
This past week I kissed a boy. And I liked it. A lot.
Drinking wine on an empty stomach makes me write whatever I'm thinking. Kind of like drunk texting or drunk dialing. lol But hey at least I didn't actually text or call anyone. That's a GOOD thing.
My spelling is stellar though!
You've been a trooper for reading. Please take care of the waitstaff!
Good night.
Loud Silence
In the wee hours of the night
when all is quiet and dark and calm
it is then that my thoughts are loudest most of all.
I try and quiet the voices, the clutter in my mind
but it's on it's schedule
reaking havoc
causing me to lose sleep
to worry
to wonder
and toinight,
to cry.
Trying not to dwell too much on that night
but my mind won't let me forget.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Only it won't. Instead it keeps getting louder.
This silence is so loud.
when all is quiet and dark and calm
it is then that my thoughts are loudest most of all.
I try and quiet the voices, the clutter in my mind
but it's on it's schedule
reaking havoc
causing me to lose sleep
to worry
to wonder
and toinight,
to cry.
Trying not to dwell too much on that night
but my mind won't let me forget.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Only it won't. Instead it keeps getting louder.
This silence is so loud.
The Circle
I have four childhood friends that I am rather close to. Well, as close as our lives allow us to be now. We've known each other some since birth, some since elementary school and others in the latter years of our adolesence. Now we are all grown up. Some of us are mothers and wives, some are single, working moms, and some are just single, period. lol All busy with careers and what not. I've always liked how through our uips and downs of each of our lives, we always manage to come together, for support, or soldarity, or whatever it is we need at the time.
Tonight was not the exception.
One of my friend's dad passed away on New Years Eve. The viewing was held tonight. When I found out that he had died, I felt very sad. Sad because I knew my friend was/is hurting and sad because I had not spoken to her in a few weeks. Not on purpose, just life got in the way. Silly isn't it? We often realize after the fact, how easy it is to make excuses about not calling or writing or texting -as it were.
The misty rain and the traffic wouldn't let me rush to the funeral home like I wanted. And so I sat in my car, watching the misty rain fall, and quickly disappear behind windshield wipers. The weather somehow setting the mood for where I was going.
These friends of mine mean the world to me. We have been through so much in our lives. Shared so many memories. I am fortunate to know this kind of love. As I finally walked into the funeral home tonight, and I saw my friends, sitting closely together, talking and embracing, my heart filled with warmth. Here we were, the circle, Joanna, Michelle, Jeannie, Maria and me.
May your daddy rest in peace Jo and may God bring you comfort during this difficult time
Tonight was not the exception.
One of my friend's dad passed away on New Years Eve. The viewing was held tonight. When I found out that he had died, I felt very sad. Sad because I knew my friend was/is hurting and sad because I had not spoken to her in a few weeks. Not on purpose, just life got in the way. Silly isn't it? We often realize after the fact, how easy it is to make excuses about not calling or writing or texting -as it were.
The misty rain and the traffic wouldn't let me rush to the funeral home like I wanted. And so I sat in my car, watching the misty rain fall, and quickly disappear behind windshield wipers. The weather somehow setting the mood for where I was going.
These friends of mine mean the world to me. We have been through so much in our lives. Shared so many memories. I am fortunate to know this kind of love. As I finally walked into the funeral home tonight, and I saw my friends, sitting closely together, talking and embracing, my heart filled with warmth. Here we were, the circle, Joanna, Michelle, Jeannie, Maria and me.
May your daddy rest in peace Jo and may God bring you comfort during this difficult time
Emotions
Sometimes
words are more painful
than actions.
Your words pierced my heart.
Saddened me.
Punched me in the stomach.
The sincerity of my emotions and my loyalty, the honesty that I put forth in our relationship,
all are real and true.
My sensitivy is high.
Your lack threof, speaks volumes.
words are more painful
than actions.
Your words pierced my heart.
Saddened me.
Punched me in the stomach.
The sincerity of my emotions and my loyalty, the honesty that I put forth in our relationship,
all are real and true.
My sensitivy is high.
Your lack threof, speaks volumes.
Tinge of Love
Each time we say good bye, I die a little inside.
The last time was the "last" time.
I cannot do that to myself anymore.
I deserve more. I want more.
The fanstasy is over.
The blinders are off and soon, you will be a distant memory.
Bittersweet
The last time was the "last" time.
I cannot do that to myself anymore.
I deserve more. I want more.
The fanstasy is over.
The blinders are off and soon, you will be a distant memory.
Bittersweet
Ode to A Friend
I want to make you smile,
take your worries and your sadness away.
Give you half of what you have given me.
So in the form of these words,
feel my heart, my friend,
you're that diamond in the rough that one day,
someone will find and value and love you just as you deserve
take your worries and your sadness away.
Give you half of what you have given me.
So in the form of these words,
feel my heart, my friend,
you're that diamond in the rough that one day,
someone will find and value and love you just as you deserve
Realization
Sometimes I need a cheerleader on my side. Rooting for me.
I can't always be the one rooting everyone one else on.
And yet,
I always am.
So tiring at times.
I try to change,
but can't. I can only be the person I am and nothing less.
I suppose expectations of others gets me in this state more times than not.
Disappointment sucks.
But life goes on.
I can't always be the one rooting everyone one else on.
And yet,
I always am.
So tiring at times.
I try to change,
but can't. I can only be the person I am and nothing less.
I suppose expectations of others gets me in this state more times than not.
Disappointment sucks.
But life goes on.
Simplemente Palabras
Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte. Tu presencia me enloquece, me excita, me tortura. Y aqui estoy una vez mas, con mis lagrimas y mi dolor. No puedo seguir haci. Te amo con todo lo que soy,
y me rechazas.
Tristesa.
y me rechazas.
Tristesa.
Just A Note
June 10, 2010
It was as if time stood still and we were 17 again, laughing, cutting up, enjoying ourselves. But time had not stood still. In fact, 25 years had passed since we graduated. Over the weekend, I had the pleasure to visit with some pretty remarkable women -my classmates from 1985. As expected, there was tons of laughter and hugs, and even tears. Indeed, we were transported back to the days when our biggest worry was what to wear to our infamous IWA dances or who was going to be the designated driver for the evening or how we were going to sneak into the Four Seasons hotel to meet Prince or who had done the homework assignment from the night before! And even though we moaned and groaned because the "nuns" were the equivalent to an army sergeant or the like, we loved it and we knew your it! lol I was amazed at how little we all changed physically. Oh sure, there was the weight discussion, and the wrinkles discussion, etc., but to look into the eyes and the faces of these women, you wouldn't know that so much time had passed. I loved every minute of it! I'm only sorry that not all of our classmates were able to join us. It made my heart smile and I haven't stopped laughing since Saturday night. Sending us to Incarnate Word Academy was the best thing our parents could have done for us. Friendships come in many forms, and although some of us had not spoken or seen each other since graduation, the bond that we share and we created the four years we went to school together, will forever hold us together as sisters.
You are all fabulous, intelligent and vibrant women. And I am proud to call you all friends.
It was as if time stood still and we were 17 again, laughing, cutting up, enjoying ourselves. But time had not stood still. In fact, 25 years had passed since we graduated. Over the weekend, I had the pleasure to visit with some pretty remarkable women -my classmates from 1985. As expected, there was tons of laughter and hugs, and even tears. Indeed, we were transported back to the days when our biggest worry was what to wear to our infamous IWA dances or who was going to be the designated driver for the evening or how we were going to sneak into the Four Seasons hotel to meet Prince or who had done the homework assignment from the night before! And even though we moaned and groaned because the "nuns" were the equivalent to an army sergeant or the like, we loved it and we knew your it! lol I was amazed at how little we all changed physically. Oh sure, there was the weight discussion, and the wrinkles discussion, etc., but to look into the eyes and the faces of these women, you wouldn't know that so much time had passed. I loved every minute of it! I'm only sorry that not all of our classmates were able to join us. It made my heart smile and I haven't stopped laughing since Saturday night. Sending us to Incarnate Word Academy was the best thing our parents could have done for us. Friendships come in many forms, and although some of us had not spoken or seen each other since graduation, the bond that we share and we created the four years we went to school together, will forever hold us together as sisters.
You are all fabulous, intelligent and vibrant women. And I am proud to call you all friends.
Fragile
Spinning out of control
Losing sight of the road
Tears of anger, fear, regret
Life, what are you trying to teach me?
Losing sight of the road
Tears of anger, fear, regret
Life, what are you trying to teach me?
Much Ado About Nothing
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sometimes the best way to get through a life changing ordeal, is to get through it FAST! Kind of like ripping off a band-aide versus, tugging gingerly at it until it falls off. I did that today. Suddenly, my "self" went into auto pilot and left all emotions at the door. For you see, with emotions, come questions, and tears, and regrets and all of those pesky little things that prevent us from doing what we know we have to do. I didn't have time for that. I did what needed to be done and now I'm giving in to those "emotions".
Sometimes lack of sleep and exhaustion cause me to ramble incessantly.
Sometimes, a strawberry snowcone makes everything all better.
Sometimes the best way to get through a life changing ordeal, is to get through it FAST! Kind of like ripping off a band-aide versus, tugging gingerly at it until it falls off. I did that today. Suddenly, my "self" went into auto pilot and left all emotions at the door. For you see, with emotions, come questions, and tears, and regrets and all of those pesky little things that prevent us from doing what we know we have to do. I didn't have time for that. I did what needed to be done and now I'm giving in to those "emotions".
Sometimes lack of sleep and exhaustion cause me to ramble incessantly.
Sometimes, a strawberry snowcone makes everything all better.
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Part fiction, part true. A good mix of events that transpired. Trying to make it into a short story. What do you think? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
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Walking into the dimly lit bar that I had agreed to meet a friend, I immediately recognized it. Inhaled it. Felt it. To this day, I ... -
I long to be touched I yearn to feel Awaken this still heart of mine Steal my time with your kisses your desire you. Let consequenc...
