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Monday, September 3, 2007

Breathe

Life is constantly changing.
Fast paced
running,
playing catch-up
projects incomplete.

I feel that way now.
I am getting older.
Even a bit wiser...(no comments from the peanut gallery)
I've been sucker punched a few times, my heart and my spirit have been broken, mended and broken again...

There is so much I need to do, so much to begin, so much to finish!

Hurry up! Life is passing by!

Slow down! Savor the moment, savor the ride...

And so I breathe.

Inhale, exhale.

Even though life is draining at times, even though it can be frightening, and even though some of the choices I make may be horrible or get me into trouble, life can also be exhiliarating, intoxicating and beautiful.

Good times and more to come.

Intoxicating

What is it about meeting someone new that makes us act so "giddy", "excited" even silly at times? Or as my friend Monies would say "guudy" ( sorrry if I mispelled your "made up" word!!!) We've all been there at one time or another. We meet someone, there is mutual interest, contact information is exchanged, as are a few flirty banters and we go on our merry way...expectant!

I have a couple of friends who are going through the very thing I'm talking about! They are useless right now! All starry-eyed and grinning from ear to ear ALL the time... Zoning in and out of conversations, their minds elsewhere...And that's a great thing! Truly it is! Sigh, it's been a very long time since I have been in "that place"...and I'm a little jealous. But not in a "I hate you" kind of way, rather, in a "Sigh..." kind of way...

Maybe it's time to let down my barriers. Maybe it's time I start trusting again...

Maybe.

It's a bit intimidating this meeting new people thing. Meeting men. Nowadays, dating is so difficult and cumbersome. Everyone is trying too hard, not hard enough, annoyed at the mere thought of making an effort to get to know someone; going out! We all complain about it yet we continue to do it!

How else will we get there? To where he/she is?

Sigh. So yeah, I'm itching to have "that feeling" in my life again.

I'm ready now.

written on August 26, 2007

Delirious

When I am laying beside you
in your arms.

My heart is so full and content
could it possibly carry any more happiness inside?

I wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch you sleep. I gaze at your body,and kiss your face ever so lightly (so as not to wake you) I kiss the small birthmark on your face that I adore and you hate. I lay in your arms and listen as our hearts synchronize with each other.

Sometime later, as the sun is rising, I open my eyes only to find you staring at me, just as I had been doing earlier.

We smile at each other and as I am about to say something, you interrupt me with your kisses.

Delirious.

written on August 26, 2007

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Painful Repetition

I knew it would happen again.
I knew that the minute I heard your voice I would turn to puddy and be useless.
My mind is suddenly floating on air. Mesmerized by your voice, your words, your charm.
I lose all control when you are near me. I lose all control when I hear your voice.
What kind of person am I that I lose all self-control around you?
You are my addiction. You are inticing. You are my drug.
Damn you and your words! Damn you and your charm!
But oh how I love you...

Just wondering...

This post was prompted by someone else's post about "soul mates" Indulge me... Does it seem strange to men that there could be a thirty nine year old woman who is single, never married, nor had any children? Someone (a man) said that that would cause a flag to go up...why? Does the fact that I am not attached or have never been married make me some sort of "weirdo"? I often wonder because as I get older, and go out with men, they often don't believe me when I tell them my story. Or it suddenly becomes THE topic of our conversation and he'll want to know "why" I haven't been married or "why" I have never had children... I never let this bother me before, it wasn't until that whole "red flag" thing that I started wondering if men actually think that there is something weird or wrong with me because of my marital/parent status.

What do you think about it?

Lost

Darkness surrounds me.
I'm tired of living this way.
I'm weary of the ever present cloud over my head.
Make it go away!
Help me find my way in this sesspool we call life!
My eyes are swollen from crying out.

Is no one listening?

Help me before I fall into my black hole.
The one that takes sucks the life out of me.
I know somewhere, at some point, there is a silver linining. I know the sun will rise again and all will be well in my world...someday.

Til then I just keep crying out to you!

Please hear my cries.

Love

Falling off a cliff...

That is how I felt when I met you...like I was falling off of a cliff. A cliff that had no final destination, nothing concrete.

How I wished at that moment that I would always feel this way! How I wanted to memorize every moment, every detail of that day.

We became friends. We became lovers. Our worlds were entwined and nothing would ever separate us!

I am lying on the floor of our apartment. I cannot speak. But my eyes see you. Your worried face. The look of desperation...

What's happening? I want to yell out? But when I try to open my mouth all I taste is blood.
I close my eyes just for a second. When I awake again I am no longer in my body. My body is listless on the ground as you my love, kneel beside me. But, why are you crying?

I am at peace. I now understand. I left you. I died. For a brief second, I too want to cry but cannot. I am at peace.

Falling off of a cliff...until the day I die...

Summer 2005

A year ago I met you for the first time.
In my mind and in my heart however, I had met you many times over.
Time flies isn't that what they say? I can hardly believe we're back to the where we started.

Well, I am anyway.

I know you don't think about me. Or wonder how my life turned out. I wish I could be as cold and uncaring. I wish I could wipe you from my heart.

Just why?

Why do men say "looking for friendship first...", "take things slow.", "get to know you first..." on their profiles and sometimes it even comes out of their mouths but in reality, that's not what they want at all. What they want is to get into our pants as fast as they can! It pisses me off that they go out of their way to swoon, sway, impress you but all that goes to crap because the minute you decide to go out with them...they're all over you!!!! If all I wanted was to have sex buddy I wouldn't have done all that work!!! This has happened to me so many times now I lost count! It's really too bad too because there was one particular guy I really became attracted to and wanted to see where our "dating" might lead to...ahahahaha, try NOWHERE!!!!! During our first date he asked me to give him a blow job and when I said no, he huffed away pissed!!

See what I mean?????

Goody Two, Goody Two, Goody, Goody, Two Shoes!

It's hard being good all the time. There are times I want to do something outside the norm...for me that is. I've never smoked a cigarrete or weed, I didn't start drinking alcohol until my early twenties, I don't break rules...Well, sometimes I do but then I obsess over the guilt! -That's no fun!

I don't know what's gotten into me lately.
I'm just tired of being good and want to do something...bad.? I don't know...I just feel...stiffled I guess...

Sigh, I need to go to sleep. Drinking and posting don't go very well! lol

Celebrate!

Celebrate your life.
Tomorrow may not come for you.
Celebrate your family and friends.
Being alone is painful and sad.
Celebrate the children.

They are the future of tomorrow.
-corny and trite? Perhaps. But the words ring true and direct. So often we are running around trying to the beat the clock and get in as many "last minute" things into our day that we lose sight of what is truly important and what really matters. We all have problems, we all have our "cross" to bear (for thos non-believers -just get over it, it's my blog) some heavier than others...but life goes on! My nephew is facing a life threatening surgery next month and I feel helpless..but falling apart and crying every day isn't the answer. So, I continue to live and to smile and to pray.

I celebrate life!

Playing hooky

I'm sleepy this morning and exhausted. I've been working crazy hours because of a trial we start next week! My body is totally off schedule. I haven't been working out nearly as much and as hard as I try and not eat junk food, sometimes at midnight, that's the only thing there is!!! Ugh!! Just one more week of this madness! That's what I keep telling myself anyway! One more week and my life will return to some sense of normalcy again!!!

Oh but how I do whine!!!

A part of me wants to play hooky. Just disappear and go back to bed!!! Sigh, but then

"Responsible Yvonne" resurfaces and reminds me I have to be in the office in 30 minutes! lol
I don't wanna be a grown-up today...

I'm nervous

My boss told me that I had an "attitude" today! lol I laughed in his face! Indignant I responded with, "No I don't!" But it sounded drawn out and whiney! He glared at me and walked away.
Maybe I did have an attitude. Maybe I'm just tired. Meh! I am anxious and nervous and worried about Ethan's surgery. The doctors yet again moved his surgery from tomorrow to Wednesday morning! That totally sucked! Aside from the fact that schedules were messed up and all that, the change was a downer for our minds! We were all "psyched" for the surgery to be tomorrow and now we have to wait another day. Not good for our mind frame let me tell you!

Double-standard

Why is it that men can be jerks, can not call when they say they will, can have sex just because and all is fine with the world? But the minute a woman does these things she is called a bitch, a whore, a slut, a psycho -you get the picture!

So I have been talking to this guy for about a month now. Nothing serious. Nothing like that at all! We've been corresponding via email and phone conversations and HIS preferred method of communication -texting-!

Well, I decided that rather and waste this guy's time or USE him, I would be honest and tell him I was not interested in speaking to him any longer. I even told him it was "me not him" to add drama and flair!! lol Seriously, he went ballistic on me! He said I was a "bitter, OLD bitch"!!! Me bitter? and OLD???? HA! Sure I can be a bitch I give him that, but not bitter and old! So my question is this:

Why do men (not all) but some get all high and mighty when a woman does the exact same thing to them that they have been doing to women FOREVER!!!!? For crying out loud I was just not interested where is the crime in that??? I did not lead him on, I did not promise anything...hell, we hadn't even MET yet!!! I could have done as one of my girlfriend's suggested and just stop calling and/or ignore his calls but I felt that would be wrong. Besides, I HATE when guys do that to me so I didn't want to do it to him!! And yet, I'm the bitch!!

Dating blows.

Tristeza

Con lagrimas de sangre
lloro tu muerte.
Recuerdos de risas, y carisias y amor invaden mi mente y mi alma
Cuando terminara esta tortura?
Cuando dejere de amarte?
Con lagrimas de sangre
lloro to muerte.

Hall and Oates Revisted!

Talk about "going back"!!! I am sitting here in my bedroom, I've got the glass of wine, I'm going back and forth from HC to proofing a chapter in my novel , I've got the candles going and for my listening pleasure... Hall & Oates -The Best of!!! lol How funny is that??? Back "in the day" my best friend from high school and I were the BIGGEST Hall & Oates fans in all of Houston! We went to every concert, knew all the words to ALL of their songs, stalked them, almost got arrested for "stalking" them, met them, hung out with them and their band, almost ran over Daryl Hall...I mean we were ALL over the place for them!!! lol Oh yeah, we got kicked out of the Four Seasons for them too! lol That was before we were thisclose to the roadie who eventually let us meet them! lol Now we're old friends and go "way back"!!! hahahaaha

Time flies doesn't it? Yeah their music was "bubblegumish" but so what? I wouldn't trade "Sara Smile", "Rich Girl", "Didi Doo Wop", "Private Eyes", or any of their songs for what is out there today!!!!

Sigh. Now back to your regular programming!!!

In that kind of mood...

Have you ever felt so happy inside you felt your insides were going to burst? Have you ever felt that everyone could just "feel" your happy and elated state and you couldn't wipe that silly grin off your face no matter how much you tried to!? Have you?

I was thinking it's been a long time since I felt that way and I miss that.
What about being in that emotional high makes us that feel way? How do we get there? Is it always about being "in love" ? Does it have to be in order to be validated?
I was thinking it's been a long time since I felt that way and I miss that.
Have you ever thought that you would never ever feel that way again? Did it make you sad?

Did you get scared?

What did you do to make sure you would indeed feel that way again?
I was just thinking...I want to feel that way again.

Sigh...

SUCCESS

I just wanted to let all those who were praying and keeping my nephew in your thoughts, that the surgery was a total success! The cardiologist and surgeon were very pleased with the entire process and remarkably, Ethan had to be given heavier doses of morphine because he's breathing on his own and at a rapid speed -more rapid than what the doctors anticipated!!! He's on a ventilator to help him breathe but his breathing his surpassing the ventilator!! That's great news!!! Also, his heart is now beating in it's own, blood is going where it's supposed to and all seems to be coming along for a full and successful recovery. Of course, the next 72 hours are always critical but I am so HAPPY and RELIEVED at such a great result that I had to share my news!!!

Again, thanks again for letting me vent and rant and share this difficult time with you -all was appreciated!!!

Love,
yvonne

Small talk

I went out on Saturday night and met up with some friends! Good times. Well, during this little soiree a male friend asked me how it felt to be single and 40... Now, normally I would have given him a smart-ass response because his question would have pissed me off.. But, I was feeling pretty mellow and had a nice buzz going (Thank you Cesar for those yummy mojitos!!) I thought about my response and finally answered his question.

"Well _________, I can have the remote all to myself. I don't have to rush home to cook for anyone else. I can come and go as I please. I don't have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration but my own. I can sleep on either side of the bed. I have the Sunday paper all to myself -ahhh bliss! I can sleep around if I choose to..." His eyebrow went up. A-ha! I had his attention now!! "What?" He asked, his eyes twinkling I could almost see the lusty thoughts going on in his feeble little mind. Men are so simple. So anyway, I smiled back at him and said, "Well, men have been doing it for years and years. Sleeping around. Wham, bam thank you mam! And sometimes NOT EVEN a "thank you mam"!!! So why can't women do it? I don't have children or a husband or a boyfriend. I have no one to answer to but myself. If I want to have sex with men from here to Dallas and back why can't I?" He looked at me for a long time and said, "You're right. You are absolutely right." Then he proceeds to ask me out. Hahha! That's so NOT going to happen. As a single female (forty or not!) I still have the choice to say yay or nay. I voted no and told him so. He looked disappointed but regrouped and then said, "So how about we just have sex?" He was smiling in what he thought was sooooo sexy to him...Silly boy. I flirtingly smiled at him and in my sexiest voice told him I was not interested, but thanks and off I went in search of another mojito.

Love

The yearning in my heart grows stronger.
The pangs of longing come more frequently.
How to stop this madness going on?
When will it be my turn?

Love.

Together. Alone.

My friend Mikey once posted a blog about "being alone together" and it prompted me to think about something...

I joined a certain dating site almost three years ago. My initial reason for doing this was to meet men somewhere other than the typical bar/club scenario. All of my friends are now married. I'm the lone "unmarried friend" they all have in common! haha Also, I got tired of going places alone. So I stumbled upon this site and thew caution to the wind.

While in the beginning I dated pretty frequently and had a "relationship" here and there those relationships ended. Amicably. But they ended so I moved on...after a while it became a community for singles more than a "dating" site. I remember having plans every night of the week and on the weekends and through all this strangers became acquaintances and acquaintances became friends...I was able (and still am) to call up one of the guys from the "group" and invite him out to meet me for a drink or a movie or the ballet -whatever... I was able to call anyone and that was cool! I now had a set of friends who were not married and who could come and go at a moment's notice. (there is an exception to the men and women who are parents, they often needed/need more than a moment's notice and that is respected and obliged as often as it can be) Suddenly it didn't matter that I was alone on New Years Eve because I was going to be with friends -friends who had the same commonality as me -being single. And that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that just because we're "alone" i.e. not involved romantically with anyone- we're not ALONE...we can be alone together. Surrounded by good friends, good company, laughter, merriment, drunken debauchary --okay okay, maybe not debauchary! lol drunk nevertheless! hahaha I often wonder what would have happened had I not taken the plunge and dared myself to go to functions by myself and make friends when I didn't know a soul at a gtg! Hmm...I think I would be very lonely... I'm glad I was brave that day! haha

I mean, I would love nothing more than to have someone special in my life. Lord knows it's been a LONG ASS time for me and I have been a good girl so I deserve it! haha But for whatever reason, it's not my time yet and so I wait. -along with others! (hehe)

Maybe it's the holiday season or maybe I'm just hormonal (ha!) but I truly am grateful for each and every one of you that I have come in contact with.

Yeah I know I sound cheesy and overly sensitive and before you ask, no I've not had any wine tonight (haha)! I'm just in a good place in my life. Sure I've got problems, I've got a lot actually, but I know they will work out and I will be fine. So why worry over things I have no control over??? I choose to celebrate my friends instead.

Denial

Sometimes we don't want to face the truth.
Our truths.

Oh sure, we go on and on about other peoples problems and counsel them on what they should or shouldn't do but when it comes to us, to looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the "real" you...well then, all bets are off...

"You don't know me"

"It wasn't my fault"

"It won't happen again"...

Denial. Denial. Denial.

The truth hurts. A lot.

Facing it head on, realizing that no one is really "against" you or out to "get you" and accepting your failures, is a step in the right direction.

Getting there, however, is so hard to do sometimes. I mean, how many times can we fall and get back up and fall and get back up, and fall and get back up once again??? How many before we just stay in the "defeated" category?

I had to look in the "mirror" recently and I did not like what I saw. I had become the very person I fought so hard not to become. So again, I get back up and start over and re-group.

Forgiveness. That's the key.

Staring into the mirror at the stranger who had taken over my body, I hugged myself, told myself I was loved by me, but most importantly, I forgave myself, thus, allowing for healing and growth.

Little Brother, big sister

My little brother is getting married next Friday.

Finally!! -As my parents both commented when he gave them the news.
He's not so "little" anymore, he's all of 38 years old. lol But he will always be my "little" brother. I'm the oldest, I can say things like that and get away with it!

So he proposed to his girlfriend of a "very long damn time" on Christmas eve. She (the intended bride to be) gushed about it as she replayed the whole scenario of the manner in which he proposed. I have to hand it to him, he was clever and very romantic but not in a "cheesy", Chicago song playing in the background kind of way. (I'm not knocking Chicago either, I love that band!) lol

and then there was me.

I'm the lone survivor of the Salvatierra clan that has not gotten married. My mother has just about given up any kind of hope. I think her mission now is to get me to bear her a grandchild. Never mind that she has three already! haha, God love her! But that's another story for another blog...

Back to my little brother...

I love all them, my brothers and my sister. But this brother, I am closest in age with and have a "special" kind of bond with. We fight still, and insult each other, and laugh with each other etc., but he is always in my corner and I in his. No matter what.

When he told me he had proposed I was excited and happy for him. I even cried as I drove home that night. But I didn't understand if I was crying out of happiness or sadness or both.
Not the kind of sadness you feel when you are leaving your family, I mean, we've all been on our own for a very long time now, we're no Spring chickens you know! I guess I felt a little sad but in a good way. The kind that makes you write things like this at 2:00 o'clock in the morning. The kind of "sad" that leaves you with a warm and fuzzy feeling inside...

So the wedding ceremony is next Friday. They have decided to forego the "traditional" church wedding/dance/etc. for a more intimate type of ceremony instead. Which in hindsight, I believe is the best choice! Hello! My family is half Mexican/Nicaraguense, "PACHANGA" is embedded in our soul! Imagine what a production they would have had to put on!! lol Still, I'm sure we will ALL manage to put in a little "sazon" or as the late Celia Cruz use to say "Azucar" to thier "small" wedding! lol -Silly them!!!! lol

Sunday morning

2:00 a.m.
It's so quiet here in my room. And yet, the noise is loud in my head. Unfinished thoughts. Conversations I wish I had. Plans left well, unplanned. Decisions. Regrets. Anticipation. Worries. All this and more can be found 24 hours a day, every day, in my head.
I guess I could go lay down and wait for sleep to take over. But I know it won't happen. The clatter in my head only gets louder. Almost like it's reaching it's crescendo, I can almost hear the cymbals in the background.

I suppose the alternative to ceasing the noise would be far worse, I mean what that would ultmately mean is that I would no longer be alive. Yeah, I'll keep the noise thank you very much.

At least I don't talk back to myself.

Unexpected turn

I was stood up tonight. And it sucked because I was beginning to like this guy and thought the feeling was mutual...So as I drove home feeling dejected and angry and fed up, I started crying. I almost gave in to my "woe is me" feeling. But suddenly, I remembered that Big John's was going to be the place where some of my friends would be "hanging" and I immediately dried my tears, told myself that he was not worth it, and it was his loss most definitely, and I made a u-turn and headed to Big John's. I had no idea who was going to be there but I didn't feel like going home, so I ventured on. And I'm so glad I went! First of all, because I had not seen some of you guys in ages, and second of all because spending time with friends cheered me up! Nadine and Linda, your kind words lifted my spirits immensely chicas!!

So taking an unexpected turn sometimes, is worth it.
It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks! Tomorrow is the anniversary of our friendship! Seventeen years tomorrow, I met my soul mate and my life is all the better for it!
Who would have guessed that we would ever become friends. I didn't even like you when we met remember??? You came across as a stuck up jerk!!! lol

Sigh.

But then we shared our first of many, many "hot chocolates" at first One's A Meal and then Starbucks! lol And the rest is history!

I have often wondered what would have happened if you and I had dated. For whatever reasons, for many reasons, we just never "clicked" that way. I believe that had we dated, we would be married right now. We would have children. We would be deliriously happy.

Sigh.

But things happen and we formed our separate lives but always maintained our friendship. You are my best friend in the entire world and I am yours.

So my friend, how shall we celebrate our anniversary tomorrow??? I know, let's go to Sambuca and listen to Norma Zenteno, as I drink my wine and you drink your beer! Oh!! And of course we'll dance! We're a regular Fred and Ginger on the dance floor! lol Then, you'll drive me home, hug me good night and I'll go inside my house. My phone will ring right at the moment I'm drifting off to sleep and it's you, telling me you made it home safely. -There have been so many evenings with that exact same ending!!!

Sigh.

In reality, you will not be coming to pick me up. Instead, I will be going to visit your grave. It's been over a year and still, still I cry and still I feel the guilt! I play the gut wrenching "what if" games over and over in my head.

Foolish I know. There are no such things as "should haves" and "what ifs".

I miss you so much. I miss my time with you.

Play ball!

Yesterday was Opening Day for my five year old niece and her T-ball team! It was also her first year as an "athlete" Believe me, Sydney is girlie-girlie so imagine how surprised we all were when she began to show interest in playing a sport! haha

Funny thing about going to her game yesterday. There were tons of children EVERYWHERE you looked! Parents tending to concession stands, crying toddlers, crying "players", dealing with the off and on again threat of rain! Overall it was a lot of fun, sitting in the bleachers, watching little ones attempt to be the "big boy/girl" and play their hearts out! Eh, there was the ocassional "injured" player... One of my niece's teammates was so appalled at being struck out and not being able to run the bases that she started crying, ran into the dugout and refused to come for the rest of the game! Then there were the climate conditions to deal with: a little girl on the opposite team was playing third base when in the midst of the a "play" yelled to her mom who was sitting a few bleachers away from me, "Mom, is it time to go yet? I'm hot!" -everyone laughed and the game went on...

Funny, while staring at all those kids, I was transported back in time...a time when my brothers were in Little League, and memories of nail biting games, and tournaments and the smell of cotton candy...came swirling at me like a the rain during a thunderstorm... I can still remember how my mom and her entourage (consisting of a few aunts and close friends) would heckle the umpire over a "bad" call... once, she and another mom were thrown out of THE PARK!!! lol OMG! I was 12 years old, and all I remember was my mom yelling at the umpire and then at the coach from the opposing team, then, she and her cohort were asked to leave the premises. My dad was there (one of his rare appearances) and told me and my sister not to worry. They didn't actually leave the park, just the field where the game was going on. Afterwards, my mom actually apologized to the umpire but it went something like: "I'm sorry for yelling ugly things at you but if you had made the "right" call I wouldn't have done that!" ---Be afraid of my mother. Very afraid! lol Hahaha, I recounted this story to my brothers when the game was over, and we took turns at heckling my mom as she threatened to disown us! Good times.

Back to the present: Sadly, the The Termites were beaten by a run in a very close and exciting game by the Ladybugs. Final score: 11-10. Never have I been as proud of my Sydney as I was yesterday. But nothing compared to the look of pride in both of my brothers' eyes.

Heartwarming.

Later that day, as we celebrated with ice cream with Syd, we asked her if she enjoyed herself, she looked at us, her cheeks a bright pink, her ponytail half fallen apart, her brand new uniform disheveled and dirty and exclaimed, "Oh yes! I can't wait to play again!"
My other brother Carlos, has a two year old son, and he is just itching for Casey to grow older so he can play as well! Both of my brothers are baseball fanatics and it looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree! Casey has already mastered the art of "playing catch" with daddy...

Play ball indeed!

Confused

I was chastized last night by a friend of mine for "choosing" to do something with my family rather than joining a buch of friends at Memorial park to go to the art festival and then have lunch. She asked what I turned them down for and after I told her I went to see my neice's first game she went off on me. She said that I was going to be the "eternal SINGLE aunt" if I kept hanging out with "them". (THEM being my family of course) I was a bit angered and disappointed in her but it got me thinking...

Sometimes we use our "crutches" -whatever they may be to sheild us from the pain of actually "living". I started thinking that maybe I did spend a little too much time with the family. What can I say? We're close. We do a lot of stuff together and we enjoy our times together. I don't necessarily think that I do this ALL of the time but I must confess that being around familiar surroundings is soothing to me and so I take that option.

I'm trying to get better at socializing and putting myself out there a bit more. I didn't always do this. In fact, for a while I was a regular social butterfly and could give Chelle a run for her money! (heh) But it's cyclical with me I guess.

I blogged about this because I wanted to know if any other singles out there used their "families:" as clutches for their lives...

Memories Revisited

They came at me all at once.

Fast.

Hard.

Erratic.

Memories that had long been locked away in the abyss of my heart...
and now they are our exposed for my mind to replay, my eyes to see and my heart to gasp!
I read the letters one by one with the same feeling of anticipation I felt the very first time I read your words....

I'd forgotten how funny and clever you were.

I'd forgotten how you could charm anyone with your words and that smile and those eyes...

I'd forgotten how sexy you were...

I can still remember the kiss. That wonderful, hypnotic, explosive kiss...

Sigh...

But as quickly as I hungrily re-read your letters I stopped.

Visiting you in my memories is nice for awhile but if I linger any longer I'll get caught in "the trap" and I can't do that to myself.

There was a reason why we said good bye. My soul has the scars to prove it!

So, I carefully put the letters back in the box, lock it and put it away. I can't bring myself to throw them out yet...

But I know the time is coming and sooner than I expected.

Crossroad

I am at a cross road in my life. For the past 18 years I have been working in the legal field. Prior to that I worked at the Chronicle as a copywriter. I decided I liked the law better than working for a newspaper and now here I am almost 20 years later.

I'm burned out.

I'm tired.

I hate my boss. Okay, okay, "hate" is such an ugly word.
I can't stomach my boss, how's that?

So, I have decided that for my sanity and my health, I need to find another job. One that would allow me to pursue my dream, have flexible time and still pay the bills. The problem with that is I've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and with the HUGE paycut I am about to undertake, I'm scared.

Is it worth it?

My family is behind me no matter what I decide to do. I'm the one that's giving me such a hard time!

I know deep in my heart of hearts what I need to do but I guess I'm just scared out of my mind and need some reassurance...

Life is about taking chances is it not? Hell, Phil Garner does it every time he puts Brad Lidge on the mound!!! Okay, okay, I'm now officially delusional!!!!

And so my world turns...stay tuned!

Just Words

I'm so angry at him I can't stand it!!!! I know life is not always fair and things don't always go as we would like them to go but come on now! He's a first class jerk and I am tired, tired, tired of putting up with his crap!!!! I work in a stressful environment as it is. I work for lawyers AND their inflated egos. I get that. I've been doing it over twenty years now! What I cannot stand is beligerent, insulting, conniving, manipulative assholes such as he is! There is nothing I can do to see eye to eye or meet halfway with him and "try" to work amicably... He does not lend himself to that! And don't even get me started on his "people" skills!!!

Ugh! I want to hit him across the forehead and tell him to "grow up"!!!!
But alas, since I don't want to do "hard time" in the "big house" I will abstain from doing anything to cause him or his ego pain. -But I can dream can't I???
I wonder if God keeps score? You know like in grade school? A column for the "good", "bad" and the "unruly"?? That's how we did at Holy Name in elementary days! I would put his "score" in the permanent "going to hell" column!

Yeah so before you jump on me about confronting him or going to "management" or quitting let me explain the situation. I get paid very well for what I do, I love the legal field and what I do, I can't afford to just quit because I have this nagging thing I have to pay on the first of every month called rent, and well, a girl's gotta eat right? You see my dilemma? Oh and as for "management"? Yeah, good luck with that. It's basically "career suicide" if you complain to them! Warranted or not, you're out of luck! And if the complaint is about a partner no less...start packing and leave the key at the door thankyouverymuch!!!

The only comfort I have is a woman I like to call "Karma"... She may not come today, or tomorrow or hell, this year even, but sooner or later she will arrive and oh how delicious the taste in my mouth will be when her wrath embraces that man!

I'm not vindictive. I'm all about justice and the pursuit of happiness! :)

The Matter of Friendship

What makes a friend? What is your definition of a friend? Do you impose rules? Do you have standards for them to meet? Quotas? Who has the last word? Do you cut them some slack when they break your "rules"? How many times? When you say, "I forgive you" do you mean it? Do the same standards and/or rules apply to you and do you keep them?

One of my friends hurt me the other day. Hurt in the sense that my ego was bruised, my heart broken and my entire opinion of that friend thrown out the window! All of a sudden I started wondering if she had my best interest at heart? Did she do it on purpose? Maybe she had not a clue that her actions would cause me this much pain... Questions so many question bnt not an answer in sight!

And then there is me. -Am I being petty? Am I being judgmental and not giving her a chance to explain? My argument there is that as my friend she should have known that her actions would hurt me. Shouldn't she have?

And now what? I automatically went into "distant" mode. I crawled into myself and won't let her back in. I'm not sure I want to let her back in. She broke our trust we had in each other. A part of me wants to "forgive and forget" but knowing how I am about that particular "subject" I know that's not possible at this point. Perhaps later but not now.
Am I or do I expect too much from my "friends"? I am not perfect and know that I too have at one time or another been a bad friend or not been there at all for them and I've been forgiven and we've moved on. So why is it so hard for me to do this? Because she of all people knows my true feelings on this part of my life that she willingly chose to invade. That's why. That's why I'm being adolescent. That's why the "bitch" in me is starting to appear.

I want to let it go because holding on to something ugly only harbors and festers and the outcome is always bad.

I love my friend but I can't , I just can't do it right now.

She hurt me and I'm angry and sad.

Much Ado About Nothing!

So I stayed in tonight to watch the Sopranos. It was the series finale and I had been looking forward to it all week! A friend came over and we made lasagna and drank some awesome wine all in honor of "The Sopranos"... pfft!
The ending was such a let down! Actually, the entire episode was "blah" I cannot believe after so many years on the air and after so much hoopla was made about its ending that it went down like that!! Ugh! What a wast of time!!
This ending was worse than the Seinfeld series finale.
Oh well, I hear Army Wives is pretty good! :)

Jibber jabber

Why is it that as hard as we try and as much as we do nothing is ever enough or we're never "good enough"??? It's like they are saying, "Eh, you're good but we want "better." It is frustrating to me that people play with your mind on a daily basis. In your career, in your personal life, hell even strangers do it to you!

I have been unhappy with my boss for a long time. It's not a secret. I have been vocal about my discontent. Today he (the boss, or ex-boss I should say) decides to goad me and goad me until I give in and now, I have nothing left to give. He has drained me. I have nothing left to offer. I am DONE.

Enough! Finito!

I don't understand how employers can and do treat their "employees" with utter disrespect and indifference. I have always found it curious that people in management positions or say, oh I don't know, partners in a law firm hold their employees with little or no respect at all. Oh when you are making them money and billing those hours and "goin the extra mile" they are your "friend". They are all about "team work" and "family atmosphere" but the minute that you lets say, make a mistake or interject your "opinion" then all hell breaks loose and you go from "my friend" to "my enemy" in an instant!! I use to say that I was the "whore" and my boss was my "pimp" -Not any boss in particular mind you. I'm speaking in general terms. Think about it, I go out, make the company money and more money and do all the "dirty" work and they sit back and take in all my earnings...and what do I get in return? Hell not even a "Good job!" No, that would be too much to ask for and god forbid I ask for anything at all!! Some people would argue that the employer has every right to act the way he/she does after all it's their business right? Well I disagree. I look at it this way, I'm the employer. I hire you to do the best possible job you can do. If I make money then you make money. If you are a happy employee, you are a productive employee. But if you are an unhappy, disgruntled empoloyee, then my business suffers and so does my revenue. It's simple math for god's sake! I'm so tired of the bullshit! The back-stabbing, money hungry, hypocrites who say they "have your best interest" at heart when in fact, they could care less! I'm not asking for perfection. I'm not asking to be your friend even. But don't treat me like dirt. Don't look at with the blank stare. Clueless to what is really happening.

Some friends of mine tell me that being in this line of work that I am in has jaded me after so many years. Perhaps. But jaded or not, what I state is true. Sigh, why then do I keep doing what I do? Why indeed! I dunno. Because I truly believe that not all people are bad. Because I want to believe that justice does exist. Because I want to help the "little people" of this world, because I want to make a differnce. That's why.

Maybe I'm just crazy, dunno about that either -the jury's still out!

Indulgence

...bottle of wine almost empty.
music playing in the background
and i'm sitting on my sofa, alone.
thinking about you.

it's been a while . a long while since i've done it.
sigh.

don't know what triggered it.

just did.

you're everywhere.
if i close my eyes i see you.

smiling.

mouth.

lips.

kisses.

words.

so many.

i take in the last drop of wine.

savoring it.

breathing it.

almost as if you are here.

tomorrow all will be normal again.

but just for tonight,
just for a little bit,

i'm going to let my mind and my heart
have their way.
Everyone it seems, sans me. What is it that predetermined that I would live in this world and be single all of her life? Is it a blessing in disguise? Is it an omen? Is it Karma? Truly, I am at a loss here!

A friend of mine recently wrote about being single and how everyone in her life it seemed were getting married or were in a relationship. Which led me to think that exact same thing about my life. The difference between my friend and I though is age. She's in her thirties and I am forty. So what? You ask? So what indeed! Age is but a number. Society, however, has deemed it nearly impossible to go about living your life in a serene and happy state if you are dare I say it OLDER and SINGLE!!!! It's almost like you are walking around with a big "stigma" on your person. Hence my reference to the Scarlet Letter.
I used to take pride in knowing that while my friends were running around getting pregnant, married, or engaged, I was none of those things. I was living my life. Sometimes single, sometimes not. Now, well not so much anymore. Now, I am getting worried. Not so much because I HAVE to get married. Because I don't really know that I WANT to get married. But dammit, I would like the opportunity to find out and perhaps mull over the possibility for a bit! Is that so wrong?

Alas! What do I know? People always say that "the grass is always greener"... Maybe. Maybe not.

Hug me.

I'm so disappointed...

in myself. I feel guilty. Oh and how I HATE feeling guilty!!!!
If I could erase the last six hours I would in a hearbeat. But alas, I cannot. What's done is done and now I must suffer my own wrath...
Ever done something that you regret the minute it's done? How do you cope with the "inner-voice" that is nagging you, reminding you of your actions? No matter how much noise I fill my head with, I can still hear my "conscience" loud and clear!
Sometimes, being responsible and accountable really, really sucks