Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Matter of Friendship

What makes a friend? What is your definition of a friend? Do you impose rules? Do you have standards for them to meet? Quotas? Who has the last word? Do you cut them some slack when they break your "rules"? How many times? When you say, "I forgive you" do you mean it? Do the same standards and/or rules apply to you and do you keep them?

One of my friends hurt me the other day. Hurt in the sense that my ego was bruised, my heart broken and my entire opinion of that friend thrown out the window! All of a sudden I started wondering if she had my best interest at heart? Did she do it on purpose? Maybe she had not a clue that her actions would cause me this much pain... Questions so many question bnt not an answer in sight!

And then there is me. -Am I being petty? Am I being judgmental and not giving her a chance to explain? My argument there is that as my friend she should have known that her actions would hurt me. Shouldn't she have?

And now what? I automatically went into "distant" mode. I crawled into myself and won't let her back in. I'm not sure I want to let her back in. She broke our trust we had in each other. A part of me wants to "forgive and forget" but knowing how I am about that particular "subject" I know that's not possible at this point. Perhaps later but not now.
Am I or do I expect too much from my "friends"? I am not perfect and know that I too have at one time or another been a bad friend or not been there at all for them and I've been forgiven and we've moved on. So why is it so hard for me to do this? Because she of all people knows my true feelings on this part of my life that she willingly chose to invade. That's why. That's why I'm being adolescent. That's why the "bitch" in me is starting to appear.

I want to let it go because holding on to something ugly only harbors and festers and the outcome is always bad.

I love my friend but I can't , I just can't do it right now.

She hurt me and I'm angry and sad.

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