For Myself

I miss her.  I miss my friend.  It's been eight months since we last spoke and it still torments me.  She was my best friend.  My ride or die.  My sister from another mister.  We were friends over ten years.  We met late in life but from the very first day, we had a great connection and commonalities.  We became friends almost instantly.  There was hardly a place one would be without the other.  Always laughing, getting into shenanigans and crazy adventures.

All of that changed the day I decided to stand up for myself. Tired of being manipulated and disrespected and just plain treated like crap, I said, "Enough!" and ended our friendship.  There are days when I have had a lousy day or a fantastic day or have a "date from hell" story, that I automatically reach for my phone and start texting or dialing her number.  But then I remember that we are no longer friends and I stop myself.  And I get so sad.  I feel bad that things went down the way they did.  And I feel bad that I didn't mean enough to her that she didn't try and understand my angst.  Even so, I do not regret what I did.  

This year I learned and continue to learn, a lot about myself and how strong I am.  Even when I think I am not, I surprise myself and realize that I scratch and crawl as hard as I can, to keep going.  And that's pretty amazing for me.  I am most proud of myself for that reason alone.  Sometimes in this chaotic, roller-coaster of a ride, world we live in, we have to do things that are painfully difficult to do.  But no matter how much our hearts may ache, we stand firm and do what we need to do.  And that's what I finally did for me.

I have re-connected with old friends, made new friends, started going to new places.  All on my own. All because I love myself and want to be kinder to me.  And let me tell you, it feels really good.  I've always been the "mother hen" of the bunch.  I take care of everyone else, look out for others and kind of lose track of myself in the process.  But not anymore.  I'm first. I'm important. I matter and  I am so blessed to have people in my life who truly have MY best interest at heart.  No strings.  No ulterior motives.  I harbor no ill will to my friend.  She is a good person and deserves happiness and good things.  It's just, I wish her all of that from a distance now.