First Time for Everything

Earlier this afternoon, I experienced something that had never happened to me in my whole 54 years of living on this earth.  While paying the cashier at the grocery store, my mom asked the cashier a question about one of the products we had just purchased.  I busied myself with putting my credit card back into my wallet and grabbing the cart full of our store bought goodies.  It was a typical Saturday afternoon, the store was busy but not as busy as it normally was for a Saturday.  The cashier patiently waited for my mom to finish her question before responding to her.  Now, a little back story on my mom.  She suffered a stroke a year ago and while she is perfectly fine now (thank God), it caused enough damage that she moves at a much slower pace than the rest of us.  Her speech while not impaired is slow, her mind processes things at a snail pace compared to the way you and I process things.  That, along with wearing her mask, made it more difficult for the cashier to understand her.  But she was patient and polite with mom.   Meanwhile, there was a lady next in line that was visibly growing more and more annoyed that my mom had not left yet. Well, not a few seconds after my observation of this woman's irritated state, she proceeds to say in a very loud tone, "You need to take your questions to Customer service lady!"  and then as if to make her point even louder, added hand movements and made faces.  My mom stopped talking and just looked at the woman, wondering why she was talking to her like that.  I had had enough and told the woman, "She's merely asking a question, calm down"  I did not yell.  Not that that would have made a difference.  The woman looked at me and snarled, "Well she needs to hurry up!"  I shook my head in dismay and the poor cashier looked like she was about to cry.  I asked my mom if she was done and she nodded yes.  The woman clapped and said loudly, "Finally!  Go back to Mexico! You don't belong here!" At that point, taking the high road was definitely out of the question.  I could feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rising.  It took everything I had not to wring her neck.  But I didn't want to be on the 10:00 o'clock news.  At least not for that.   There was a man next in line behind that woman  and he said, "Lady if you're in that much of a hurry maybe you should go to the Express Lane or Self-check-out.  There is no need for this! It's not that serious!"  I could have kissed that man right then and there. She rolled her eyes at him and told him to mind his own business.  I stared her down and said, "We have every right to be here just as anyone else.  I feel sorry for you.  I hope your mood gets better so you can stop being such a racist bitch!"  I then thanked the cashier for her kindness and walked out with my mom and our groceries.  To say I was livid is an understatement.   Not only was that woman rude, obnoxious and devoid of any empathy, she was also racist.  Blatantly so.  My poor mom was visibly upset as well.  By the the time we got home we were both calmer, or she was but I was fuming on the inside still.  How dare she! How dare anyone tell someone to not just leave a store but leave a whole country because they think "we"  don't belong here.  For the record, I am only half Mexican because of my mom and half Nicaraguan because of my dad.  How stupid that people lump everyone into one group solely based on looks and appearances.  

When I was in grade school it was predominately Hispanic.  But back then, times were so different and our school welcomed everyone, no matter what you looked like.  Even when I went to high school it was not like that.  I went to a private Catholic school for girls.  I was around all kinds of people, all kinds of races, all kinds of financial statuses.  But I remember interacting with everyone.  We clashed about other things.  Superficial, girl stuff things.  Not this racist bullshit.  I mean, I knew it existed and learned about it in school and through life in general, but I had not once been told to leave the only country I have ever known, because I didn't belong here.  And now that I have experienced it first hand, I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I'm a proud American with Mexican and Nicaraguan descent.  To hell with people with that mindset.  

I know we are living in unprecedented times.  I know that the pandemic has wrought desperation and frustration.  I know we are all tired of it.  I know that the election has just destroyed us inside.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I wish it would just disappear.  But it won't.  Even after the virus is long gone or under control, even after we can return to some semblance of normalcy, the evil monster that is racism, will still remain.  

I feel disgusted by that woman's behavior today.  I almost feel embarrassed by my own behavior today.  Almost.  But not quite.  I mean, at what point do we fight back?  Why should we be subjected to other people's hang-ups?  I know to turn the other cheek, I know to look the other way and to take the high road.  But today just was not the day for that.  A part of me is wishing I could have punched that woman in the face, but another part is telling that I should have kept my mouth shut and just walked away.  Even as I drove home, I kept thinking that I was no better than her because I yelled back and cussed at her.  In public.  A total stranger.  It was then that I worried someone with a cell-phone may have recorded the whole thing just for the hell of it and that at any given time  my mom and I were going to become famous (not in a good way) somewhere on the interwebs.  I'm hoping my overthinking is just that.  Overthinking.

This was my Saturday.  How was yours?

Anticipation -no not like the song

 When it comes to birthdays, I'm a kid.  A big kid.  I love birthdays.  I love parties and having people over or going out to celebrate. I love cake and flowers and presents.  Especially the presents.  I love being spoiled -even if I am the one doing the spoiling.  I'm totally worth it.  I just love it.  I don't really pay much attention to the number.  Ha, yeah right.  I'm lying.  Of COURSE I pay attention to the number.  But truth be told? I try not to dwell on how many years I have been alive but rather on how much more living I have to do.  There is so much traveling I have not yet done and goals I have not yet accomplished.  I mean, I haven't even met the man of my dreams yet.  Get serious.  This year was the year that I was supposed to check off alot of items on my Bucket List.  But then the pandemic came to visit and that witch still has not left.  

This year obviously, the celebrating will be much different than birthdays past.   I have the privilege of sharing my birthday with my mom.  I was her birthday present 53 years ago (almost 54).  She is turning 75 this year and my family and I had planned to have a party to beat all parties but alas, we all know what happened to those plans.  So now, our celebration will be much smaller and limited to just us (my siblings, their spouses and the grandkids) with masks in tow all while practicing social distancing -of course.  Our birthday is not until Saturday but we are planning to celebrate all weekend.  We still managed to plan a few surprises so, eff you Covid.

My mom asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday this year and honestly, I just shrugged my shoulders.  Not because I don't have a long list of things that I would love, but because we have all been through and continue to go through the most suckiest year of our lives, that asking for material, irrelevant things just seems so, so wrong.  Instead I decided I wanted to remain in a state of gratefulness.  Grateful for God's grace and mercy.  Grateful that my mom is still here with us, especially after her stroke last year.  Grateful for the people in my life, past and present.  Grateful for what is to be in my life.  I'm happy.  I mean, no I don't have everything that I would like in my life, no it's not always a good day but it's not always a bad day either, in spite of what our world is going through.  Things can always be worse.  Life changes in an instant.  If you didn't believe it before, I know you believe it now.  So as my mom and I get ready for our next trip around the sun, I hope all of you are doing well and staying healthy and just living life the best you can.  Send me and mom good wishes on Saturday from wherever you are in the world, we would love and appreciate it so much.

-peace 

To Yvonne With Love

Dear Yvonne, I know things are not as you want them to be.  I know you are hurting in silence, for so many reasons that to list them, would take an eternity, and well, we just don't have that kind of time.  You are a good person.  You are a kind soul.  You worry too much about everyone, but yourself.  Family means everything to you and when one of them is hurting, you feel their pain too.  You always want to make things better for them, your loved ones, your friends, your coworkers, the stranger you spot on the street.  But that's you.  The essence of who you are.  Remember when people would tell you that you lit up a room whenever you walked in?  Or how you had an aura that drew people to you?  I know you never believed them but they were telling you the truth. You have always loved with your heart. Your love is real and intense. You never stop to analyze or question it, you just love.  Go hard or go home is the best way to describe it.  Like I said earlier, I know you have been hurting lately.  I just want you to know that it's ok to fall apart, it's ok if you don't "fix" everything.  It's even ok that you  feel like giving up at times.  But what is not okay, is to actually give up.  That's just not an option.  Not for you.  You are a beautiful soul and a gorgeous woman with an amazing heart.  There is too much for you to do with your life.  I just wanted to remind you of that because you keep forgetting.  Besides, if everything was easy, life would be boring.  Breathe Yvonne.  Deeply.  And exhale.  You're going to be just fine.                                                                                                                                        Sincerely,                                                                    Your inner-self 

The Saga Continues

As much as I don't want to write about the Covid, I can't help but to do just that. 

It's surrounding us. 
Holding us hostage. 
Some will survive. 
Some will die. 

We can't escape it even though we try.  Oh how we try. 
Some deny it's very existence.
and become resisters and do not heed warnings.
Others still, do all that is asked and proceed with caution
and still
get sick

A sense of "normalcy" returns
Only to be interrupted again as a result of people being people.  As a result of us wanting to return the way we were

Carefree
to roam the world
Able to go out and be with friends
Spend time with family
Hug them

I am a hugger and not being able to physically touch them all these months has been torture for me.  But my parents are elderly and I want them with me for a long, long, time.

I miss being able to do everyday things that we never even gave a second thought to before,
but now it's all we do. 
Second guess. 
Question ourselves.

Should I?
But what if?

How is this life?

Everything seems to be falling apart. 
My anxiety is eating away at me and at times I feel as if I can't breathe.

Being positive and staying prayerful is what saves me. 
But even that
sometimes falls short.

-peace

A Post Not COVID-19 Related-Part Deux

The Aftermath

As you know (if you read my previous post)  I had a colonoscopy/endoscopy procedure on Friday afternoon.  In order for this to happen, I had to "prep" for it the day before.  Per my doctor's orders, I was not to eat or drink anything ALL DAY Thursday and I had to immediately begin drinking that oh so tasty concoction they call "The Prep", as soon as I got home from work.  Let me tell you something about that "prep", it is disgusting.  It's a clear liquid that comes in two 6 oz bottles.  I had pour one of the bottles into a 16 oz cup and mix it with water.  It smells like a combination of furniture cleaner and mildew.  I had to drink it Thursday evening and then again first thing in the morning.  This of course prepared your insides to be cleansed.  I'll spare you the details.

My procedure was scheduled for late in the afternoon, which meant that I was not to eat or drink anything that day either, until after everything was done.  Y'all I was beyond hangry when I got to the hospital for pre-op and although everyone was so nice and so attentive, I wanted to scream at them because they were moving at a snail pace and it was killing me.  The colonoscopy and endoscopy took all of 24 minutes.  Yes that's right boys and girls, 24 minutes, I asked.  The pre-op took almost two hours!  TWO.HOURS.  There was a lot of waiting and filling out of papers and signing my life away, and inserting the IV.  I swear I got pricked so many times I felt like I was a pin doll or something.  The best part was when they gave me the anesthesia. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist asking me if I was ok.   I was out like a light.  I woke up groggy, hungry and thirsty.  But I felt as if I had just taken the best "nap" in a long time.  

Test results were negative for cancer, thank God.  That was the main concern of my doctor and me of course.  She did find that I a minor issue in my stomach that they had to biopsy but she's not overly concerned about it and neither am I at this point.  I'm just glad that I don't have to do this again until ten LONG years from now.  The end of this saga in my life was kind of a letdown.  I kind feel like I should have at least been given a "I Survived A Colonoscopy and Endoscopy during a Pandemic" tee-shirt or something.  But no, I just got copies of the endless documents I had signed  and oh yes, pictures.  I almost forgot to mention that.  They give you frigging pictures of your colon and your butt inner things. Because who doesn't want to see those body parts up close and personal like that?  One word.  GROSS.  I took one look (a quick one) and put them away.  Not the kind of souvenir I like to collect.

One of the nurses asked me as she was discharging me, if I was going out to eat once I left the hospital.  I laughed and nodded yes but honestly, I was too groggy to do anything but sleep on my way home.  So my "feast" consisted of scrambled eggs and toast.  Best.Meal.Ever.  My tummy approved  :)

Words of advice to everyone, please take care of yourselves and listen to your body.  And even if you have to put on your big girl panties or big boy underwear, do it.  Take the tests.  Have the procedures.  Your life is too beautiful not to take care of it.  Yes, even during this crazy ass year of ours.  Life is beautiful.

-peace

A Post NOT about COVID-19

"I'll take a colonoscopy straight, with a splash of endoscopy, please bartender."  -Whoever heard of that concoction before ay?  I'll tell you who.  Me.  I'm not happy about it so I thought, "Hey, I know what will make me feel better, let me blog about it!"  That way you too, can take part in my misery.  You're welcome friends.  Oh don't act surprised or grossed out.  I've written about much more disgusting stuff before. 

It's true friends, my doctor has been hounding me ad nauseum for over a year to get this done.  Naturally, I did nothing of the sort and avoided it like the plague.  Unfortunately, recent issues presented themselves that forced me to face this crap.  -eh sorry for the unoriginal pun.  Fully intended of course.

But wait, there's more.  Not only did my doctor (who is awesome by the way) order the colonoscopy but also an endoscopy.  Mmm hmm.  She don't mess around.  When she told me, I started laughing.  Not because any of what she said was remotely funny, but because I laugh when I get nervous.  It's true.  I laugh uncontrollably sometimes.  It's gotten me into trouble more times than not.  But I digress.

The good doc reassured me that both procedures are easy-peasy and that the worst part is drinking that nasty concoction that I mentioned in the beginning of this mumbo jumbo of mine.  Yep.  I've asked many a friend who have had this done and all but one confirm that the "cleansing" drink  is by far the worst of the entire ordeal.  My friend Suzy. (the one) she said for her, the worst part was not being able to eat before the procedure.  Different strokes for different folks I guess.  But food IS important.  :)

My day of reckoning is this Friday at 2;30 p.m. 

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not scared.  I mean, sure I've survived several hurricanes, a few tornados, couple of floods in my lifetime but anytime I have to be put under and probed, I lose my Wonder Woman bad-assery and turn into a big ol' baby.  Yep.  Even at 53 (and holding).  What? It happens.  I don't know to who else but it happens.

It sucks getting older.  There I said it.  It really does.  Before I turned 50, NOTHING ached but it seems the minute I woke up on my 50th year around the sun, I broke and I have not been the same since.  But I keep trying.  And as long as I do that, I think I will be just fine.

If you have read this far, you're the real MVPs.  Really. 

If you are of the praying kind, I would appreciate a prayer for my procedure to go well and for everything to be ok with me.  Thank you.

A few more randoms:  I miss baseball.  I miss my Astros.  I hate COVID-19.  2020 can suck a big one.  Politics suck.  I hate hate.  I detest racism.  I loathe liars.  I am sad for our country.  But I really, really miss the Astros.

Good night.

after midnight thoughts

breathe in

breathe out

inhale

exhale

and again

i'm scared
i'm tired
i'm frustrated
i'm anxious
i'm worried

hi bloggies.  it's been a long while since i have written anything.  get ready because i am making up for lost time.

nothing is the same.  nothing will ever be the same.  the days overlap into each other,  no one is sure what day of the week it is.  we are no longer in a hurry to get anywhere. time is all we have now.

i've not dealt with something like this before, as i imagine, all if not most of you, haven't either.  what a weird time we are living in, eh kids?  it's like we are in our own apacolyptic movie except that instead of fighting off zombies, extraterrestrials and the like, we are fighting a virus.  an invisible, visible virus.  how the hell do we fight that?  i watched contagion over the weekend just for kicks and maybe a few tips but meh, i got nothing.  what's happening in our world today is downright unbelievable  never in my life could i have ever imagined something like this taking place.  never.in.my.life.  and yet, here we are.

my heart breaks for the loss of life all over the world as a result of covid19.  my heart also breaks for all of the doctors and nurses who are working their ass off for me, for you, for all of us.  thank you can never be enough.  not to forget our police and firefighters and emts.  they are the real mvps.

how incredibly messed up our country is right now.  this pandemic has brought out the crazy in just about all of us.  it sucks not being able to see and hug family, friends and even strangers if i'm being honest.  it sucks that baseball season is in limbo.  i miss baseball so much.  i miss alot of things so much.  isn't it ironic how we had all of this freedom to go anywhere we wanted and do whatever we wanted and in a span of days even hours, all that stopped.  just like that. 

another thing this stupid virus has caused is depression.  that ugly monster of mine has reared it's ugly head once again and this time, it's winning.  i just can't get it together emotionally.  thank God I am working and have to actually go into the office.  i don't know what i would do if i had to work from home.  i guess working for city government and being considered an essential employee pays off after all.  kidding. not really.

the silver lining that i have witnessed over and over again during these chaotic times, is that disasters even as unprecedented as this one, tends to bring out the best in people.  the kindness and selfless acts i have witnessed lately is heart-warming and worthy of alot of ugly cries.  at times giving me the warm and fuzzy feelings all over.  you see bloggies?  people are not as heartless as they pretend to be.  wait.  let me rephrase that.  not all people are as heartless as they claim to be and that gives me hope.

have y'all been drinking way more than usual since all of this started?  i for one have been steadily contributing to our failing economy by spending my pennies buying alcohol as if i was having a huge party. (every week) well i am in a way, a party for one.  wine and vodka (not to be consumed together, unless you're into that kind of headache) are my poison. what's yours?

speaking of dating, this social distancing jazz and city shut down has put a damper on my dating life.  if i had one that is.  how is your dating life or marriage life going?  do tell.  really. i'm bored out of my mind. 

well bloggies i must bid adieu.  it's been a long day and 6:00 a.m. comes awfully fast -just like a man. haha, i crack myself up.

be well everyone.

-peace.