Balance

I used to think that I knew what I wanted out of life.  When I was in my twenties, I used to want to be married by the age of 24 and have at least 2 kids by age 27.  My two kids, my husband and our dog, would live in a old but renovated home in the city.  Yeah, I'm not a suburbs kinda gal.  Anyway, years passed and that dream soon died.  And for the life of me, I cannot recall if I ever dreamed of wanting more.   I don't recall aspiring to want more out of my life.  Isn't that sad?  I mean, who aspires to be married with kids a house and a dog?  Well, I do.  I did.  

This year I will turn 54 years old and all I want is to find balance in my life.  No, not the equilibrium kind, though I do have episodes of vertigo from time to time. The balance I am speaking of is feeling fulfilled with my life thus far.  Being at peace with myself and with others.  Being in tune with my body.  Loving myself so much that the longing and yearning for more, I sometimes feel, is almost non-existent.  

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel like a failure. I do.  Not always, but enough times that I can't just put a band-aid on it and call it a day.  I suppose that feeling as if I have accomplished nothing worth noting, stems from my own criticisms  You know the ones that get louder and louder but only you can hear them?  Yeah those.  I'm notorious for that.  We are our own worst critics after all.  

At the start of this new year, I vowed to do something every month that I could be proud of.  I am pleased to say that I am finding things almost daily (almost being an understatement) to be proud of myself for.  It doesn't have to be a big thing either.  But it's mine and I accomplished it.  Whatever it may be.  And that makes me happy.  Hmm.  Did you hear that? I mean read that?  I find happiness in doing things that I can be proud of!  

I've started keeping a journal filled with daily goals.  I've never done that before.  I know, I know, I can't believe it either.  But it's very satisfying and it forces me to challenge myself.  But remember how in the beginning of this post I was talking about not finding the balance? Well, I still haven't found it.  Though it sounds like I am on the right track.  I don't have all of the answers, actually I don't have any answers.  But I know in my heart of hearts that I was put on this earth to be incredible and not mediocre.  To be loud and not quiet.  To be tall not short -oh wait.  That one is fake news.  I'm all of 4'10.  My apologies, my humor cracks me up.  Hopefully, it cracks you too.

I don't know what the rest of 2020 looks like yet.  I don't know if this is the year that the boyfriend will enter and turn into husband.  I don't know if that house in the city will transpire.  At this point, I'd take a condo dowtown.  Ha!  There goes that humor again.  I hope love does come into my life again.  But I am not dwelling on that too much.  All I know is that I will try my best to accomplish something positive everyday. Something that I can be proud of.   Life is fragile and fleeting and so I we must do everything in our power to find the balance and to be happy.

At least, that's what I think.