Monday, February 20, 2012

"Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Talking to Myself"

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with yourself.  Sometimes, okay, a lot of times, that conversation needs to take place more than once.  I've been thinking about this all day. What I would say to myself  this time.  What  words could I use to somehow "click" in my brain and help me realize what I'm doing to myself.  The thing is, I don't have any new words.  They are the same.  But then, so are my infractions.

Here goes nothing...

Yvonne, you've fallen into some old patterns.  You were doing so well, being positive and staying on track.  Yet, you've somehow lost yourself again.  Lost sight of your dreams, your goals.  You've started to let life live you, instead of the other way around.  I don't need to remind you that that novel is not going to finish itself.  Or that the weight is not going to come off by sheer will alone.  What is it that scares you into a standstill?  Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?  It's like the character in the movie Groundhog Day -you're living it over and over again.  Maybe you're hoping for different results.  But you see, in order for that to happen, different strategies must be placed.  You can't keep hurting yourself like this. I know you want the best for you, I know how badly you yearn for validity and success and love to come to you, in all aspects of your life.  Sometimes, I want to shake you so hard that you'll never want to revert to your old ways ever again.  But we both know that only you can make yourself come to that realization.  Stop pouting, stop making excuses for yourself and your actions.  Own the consequences of your choices.  The good and the bad.  Let yourself, love yourself.  Stop being your own worst enemy.

And so, that's it.  I sit here, writing this as tears are falling down my face.  Each tear represents how much I hate to to face the truth.,  My truth.  I'm not perfect.  I am merely someone who is currently struggling with her arch nemesis: herself.  As I've said before in previous posts, no one likes to face themselves in  the mirror.  Not when your soul is bare, naked. With every spec, every mistake you've ever made with your life, staring you back in the face.  Everyone always says we are the hardest on ourselves.  And they're right. I know I struggle with my issues, my "baggage", as it were, on a daily basis.   Calling yourself out is warranted every now and again.  It's a way to keep you grounded and to remind you to get off your ass and start doing something about it.

I almost feel like I should apologize for this post.  It's all over the place and not making a lot of sense to anyone.  But I won't.  -apologize.  This is me.

How about you?  Do you ever have a "Come to Jesus" talk with yourself? What do you say?  Does it help you?  Do you listen to what you have to say? Or do you just sit there and wait for it to be over?

Well kids, at the risk of scaring all of you away, I'm going to put this post out of it's misery.  Thanks for dropping by and do come back!

Pretty please.


Ruth said...

I've never called it a "come to Jesus" talk, but I know what you mean. I used to didn't. But, I do now. I need to. It helps me when I am in a funk. It is the only thing that really works. If I don't I wallow and eventually make life hell for the people around me.

Belle said...

I do have these talks with myself, but I have to be honest with you, they don't help me. I still need to lose weight and make myself exercise.

Other stuff - like thinking positive and feeling good about myself, yes; I can work on these things by reading good books and meditating. This does work. But how to talk myself into dieting and exercising - I don't know. I did do it for years but I just can't seem to do it any more. But then, I am also 61 with fibromyalgia and I am tired. That's the best excuse I got! I've decided not to worry about it any more.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I don't really have these talks with myself. I do sometimes let others nasty comments play over and over in my head. But more recently I just give myself credit for what I have done to change, realize it's an awful lot and try to be patient and positive as I strive to have the life I really want.
Take just as hard of a look at all the good things you have achieved and give yourself credit. You deserve it. I can sense that you have come far.

Cinderita said...

These type of posts are what keep me coming back. I love when you reach deep inside and pull out this stuff. and especially today when i'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "fuck it"! I don't call them those types of talks either, but I do have them..In fact, I think it's safe to say I'm having one right now. Thanks for sharin gthis. You made me cry.

reeflightning said...

what would be the point of a perfect world full of perfect people?
we are who we are, sometimes strong and inspiring, sometimes gentle and loving and most often of all ...
plain human, bumbling along our life path with very little idea of where we are heading!
perhaps that is our perfection, our starting and stumbling,our wish to be better tomorrow than we are today. perhaps our weakness is strength, leading us down side roads and rocky paths where we meet soul connections who influence our life experience.
perhaps ...
life is as simple or as complicated as we allow it to be ;-)

CWMartin said...

I think, if you've poked around my Sunday posts, you know I didn't find this post all over the place, strange or anything else but excellent. As the Vision once said to Captain America, "Self- reflection is not a negative task for a wise man."

Yvonne said...

Ruth- Very true, if I don't have these talks with myself frequently, I too, become a monster!

Belle- I think that if you are at a place in your life where you are at peace with how you are living and how you are feeling about yourself, then that is a great thing and no "talks" are necessary.

YRJ- I'll have to do that, take inventory of my "accomplishments". It's easy to get caught up in the "woes" of my life, so much so that I forget to pat myself on the back too. -Thanks for the reminder.

Rita- you already know what i'm thinking. chin up chica! :)

reeflightening- thank you for that! i loved the message it conveys! and, you're right. :)

CW- Thank you! I'll have to check your posts!

David Batista said...

Actually, it's the reverse for me. The only way I've lost weight (and kept it off all these years) was to ignore my inner voice--to tell myself to just "SHUT THE **** UP, ALREADY"--and just get out there and DO IT!

On the way home from work, when I knew I would have to pile on the free weights and run those 4 miles, I would hear that little voice trying to make excuses and weasel me out of what I knew I had to do. It would sound so reasonable, that voice, making all the best arguments in the world to put off the workout and skip on my diet. But I simply ignored it, refusing to join the conversation.

By sheer stubborness and will power alone, I made my mind go blank and forced myself to mechanically put one foot on the treadmill, and then the other. And suddenly, just like that, I snapped out of my apathy and I was in the middle of my workout without barely realizing it had started. And I realized: hey, what was I dragging my feet over? I can do this!

This is pretty much how I approach many self-defeating obstacles placed in my way today. It's a strategy that has worked thus far.

Good luck, Yvonne. It's not an easy battle.

Yvonne said...

I still think of you and my friend Carla and my friend Mel, when I'm working out and I feel like giving up. Three very different lives, but all bound by your sheer will to get healthy. I know it's a struggle. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thanks for your encouragement, as always. ;)

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