I think I missed my true calling. Instead of getting a degree in English Literature in college, I should have majored in Psychology. It seems I am a magnet for "injured souls" -meaning, people who are hurting, due to matters of the heart, or some life altering lesson, or a crisis of catastrophic proportions. I give great advice, I always want to help, I can build you up like no one else! I always know the right thing to say, or not to say. That's what I have been told. Helping others comes naturally to me. I want to help, to fix things. To be needed. It's who I am. And if I can't fix it/you/them -then I feel I've failed somehow. I don't know why.
And therein, lies the problem. I'm so focused on other people's emotional well being, that I neglect my own. No, I'm not a meddler or a "Nosy-Rosy", but if you come to me for help, I will help, and then some. Sometimes, I think that the fact that I grew up a little too fast and was often left to care for my siblings, while our parents went to work, played a big part. I'm a mother-hen with them for sure. Even now. We're all grown up, married, children (ok THEY are), mortgages etc., but I still worry. I've been told ad-nauseum by my shrink ---why do they call psychiastrists "shrinks" anyway? What exactly are they shrinking? Who came up with that? THOSE are the real questions. So, anyway, my therapist (I told you, I don't like the word "shrink") has embedded in my head, that I need to focus on myself, before I can help anyone else. And that I will be of no use to anyone if I'm not well myself. Makes sense right? You'd think I would listen to her, wouldn't you? Yeah. In a perfect world and all. But nope. Not me. I do things the hard way. Currently, I'm trying to learn not to make rash decisions (as is my nature) and to think with my head, not my heart. To
separate my emotions and not to give in to my inner "Mother Theresa." It's harder for me to do when it involves family. They are my kryptonite. Well, they and a certain someone who shall remain nameless. But that's another story for another time. What is it with me wanting to solve everyone's problems??? There are certain people in my life that are going through hell right now. And I have exhausted myself trying to help them. Mentally, financially, emotionally. I find myself constantly stressed and worrying and crying because I can't make it better. It upsets me. But I know, deep inside my heart, I know that I can't fix it for them. They have to fix themselves. I can be there for them, and lend them moral support. But I can't keep doing what I have been for the past few months. If I keep it up, I''m the one that's going to end up going crazy.
For whatever reason or reasons, I think that the way I am is somehow a flaw. A mark against me. I know, I know, "Here comes the drama queen" -that's what's you're thinking right? But I'm not being dramatic. I truly feel this way. And I don't know why. Further probing into my psyche with my therapist will surely clue me in. At least, that's my hope.
This isn't something new for me. It's just that I'm finally "taking the reins", as it were, of that part of my life, and so all kinds of thoughts and ideas are brewing in my head. Slowly, but very surely, I'm digging myself out of the "emotional black hole" that I have fallen into.
I bet you're glad (if you're still reading this) that you clicked on my blog tonight, aren't you??? ----said I, in full sarcasm regalia.
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Part fiction, part true. A good mix of events that transpired. Trying to make it into a short story. What do you think? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
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6 comments:
You are not alone. I have been the queen of all enablers. I have heard it said that it's like the oxygen mask in a plane. You must put yours on first to be any good at helping others with theirs. Otherwise you might die trying! The fact that you are looking at this and wanting to change is a great start. Somewhere along the line things will 'click' and you will get to a point where the old you is completely foreign to you, to the point that you don't even remember being that person. And you will still be able to be helpful in a much more constructive way without having to wonder if you are doing the right thing or feel all guilty, etc. Not that I speak from experience or anything... ;)
I agree with Yellow. One day, after hearing your therapist say it enough times and you telling yourself enough times, your brain will get it. I'm a big fixer myself and had to learn to let go.
At least you are identifying which is the first step to changing things.
I am sure you will manage to work through this.
I do hope you don't lose your caring nature though. Just find a balance
You seem remarkably self-aware of what your "issues" are and how to fix them. I think you're definitely on the right track in identifying the problem and how you need to focus more on your own well-being before taking on the problems of others.
But you are a very good person, Yvonne, with a big heart. That part of you I would never want changed. This is a positive trait, you only need to learn to put yourself first.
I think you deserve it, to be honest. Go you!
You are definitely not alone. In a way, helping others through trying times makes you feel whole; yet in another way, it makes you feel kind-of like there's too much in your mind and crazy frustrated that you can't fix everything for everyone.
*Hugs to you* Like David said, never lose your ability to love big--the world needs big hearts.
YRJ-I like your analogy. -Thanks for that! The thing I'm struggling with the most, is guilt. I'm trying to not let myself fall into that trap.
Belle- I hope so Belle. I have to do it, it's just so hard for me. Moreso, because the parties involved, are family. Thanks for always knowing the right thing to say!
Mynx- Thank you for your kind words. Eh, I won't lose my "caring nature' -it's who I am and I don't know how to be any other way.
David- Thank you so much for that! I appreciate your encouragement very much. Putting myself first is kind of a foreign concept to me. I'm so used to putting everyone and/or everything else first. But you're right, I am of no use to anyone if I am not well. And I will be. I know it. It will just take time and a lot of work.
FV- Thanks girlie, for your kind words! I'm trying and hopefully, will succeed!
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