on being single during the holidays

Well it's happened.  The anxiety of being alone during the holidays has laid claim on my chest.  I can feel it every time I take a breath.  That tightness and overwhelming feeling of anxiousness that overcomes me like clockwork, every December.  Something about seeing them, you know, the "couples"  parading around.  Doing what couples do, sometimes alone and sometimes with other couples.  I ventured out to lunch last weekend by myself.  No big deal.  I do that often.  But this time, as I sat at my table for one, I glanced around and saw nothing but people paired off.  Old, young, heterosexual, homosexual, hell, I even saw dogs paired off.  No joke!  And then there was me.  Alone.  Reading my book, enjoying my lunch.  Even walking through the mall I noticed them.  Holding hands, exchanging glances, kisses, shopping for gifts and what not.  When I went to get my tree last weekend, I  remember seeing a couple, newlyweds.  They were buying their first Christmas tree together.  They were so cute! I secretly envied them.  I know, I know, totally wrong.  You see, normally  stuff like that rolls off my shoulders.  I don't have time to let it bother me.  But this time of year, well, it's different.  I don't know, maybe I'm the only single person who feels this way, maybe there are others.  It is what it is, I get that, truly I do.  But just once, I'd like to have someone at Christmas time, on New Year's Eve and not be "party of one".  I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time.  Friends and family alike, tell me I'm too picky.  Maybe.  But I deserve what I want.  And I am not settling for anything less.  Still, I conjure pictures of me and "my" guy all the time.  Sometimes he has dark hair, sometimes, light.  Sometimes, he's a lawyer, sometimes a teacher, even a writer.  The face is always fuzzy.  But I 'll know him, when I find him.  Anyway,  I'm not bashing being single.  I rather enjoy it.  I love the freedom I have to come and go as I please, at a moment's notice, without having to consider anyone else's feelings.  I love my independence.  But it gets lonely sometimes.  A lot of times actually.  The holiday season just exacerbates these feelings.  I suppose it is also because I am one of the lone remaining survivors of  this dying breed -Single and female.  At least in my family and in my circle of friends.

So what does a single woman do to get out of this "rut" that wants to overtake her usual, happy, go-lucky self?  Well, I light candles and pray to all the saints try to maintain an active social life.  I've never met a stranger.  I call on my friends and if they're not available, I venture out on my own.  It's funny because when I was much younger, you would never catch me eating alone, much less going to a movie alone. What would people think??? Yeah well, I could care less what people think now.  I also do the usual things to keep active, gym, volunteer, drink wine -because wine fixes everything, don't you know? 

I suppose the same could be said for single men.  But I'm not entirely convinced on this.  I mean, I think it's totally different for them.  Being a single man at any time, usually means they're on the "prowl" or they're "cool" because they're single and not "tied down"  At least that's what some of my single guy friends say.  Again, I don't have a clue.  I'm totally winging it here.

Hmm, lots to ponder here right?  So this is what was on my mind tonight.  I feel slightly better because I shared it with you.

That's all I got tonight bloggies.  I'm off to write my letter to Santa, if I send it tomorrow, I'm pretty sure it will reach the North Pole in time. Wish me luck!