one day at a time, every day...

He's back.
My old friend.
We have a love-hate relationship.
He loves to torture me
I hate him for it.
He comes to me in doses. 
Sometimes full
other times, only half
Still, ever painful.

I call him "Monster"
Others know him as "Depression"
I feel that he is male because he hurts me
like a jilted lover
over and over again.
He's got to be male right?

As hard as I fight him
I feel I am losing this battle.
I've beat him before,
many times.
But this time, I am tired.
So tired.
And I can't see past the tears.
This choke-hold he's got on my entire being,
engulfs me.
I can't breathe.

Sometimes I want to give in and let him win
So I give up.
But then I remember that I am a fighter and I don't like to lose.
Especially to a pseudo man.

God give the strength.
I need help or I will fall deeper into that black hole;
the abyss of sadness and despair.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I hate that I am so weak

Sometimes I make myself believe that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up to "normalcy", but then morning comes, and I realize that I'm living the nightmare.  My battle with depression has been ongoing since my late twenties. The "episodes" come sporadically.  Sometimes I will go years without an episode, sometimes, months. And then there are times, when I live, eat and breathe it, for what seems like forever.  Medication and therapy help. The dreaded phone call has been made, an appointment set, and soon I will once again, be spilling my guts to someone that will listen for an hour, and then tell me to stop talking, and come back next week.  As trivial as I make that sound, the more I talk, and get the "garbage" out, the better I feel. I hate taking medication to "stabilize" my mind.  But I realize that without it, I am doomed.

Then of course, are the nay-sayers, the skeptics, the people that look at me and tell me I'm "faking" it or that I just need to "get over it" already! Believe me, if I could, I would just "get over it"  I want nothing more!  But it doesn't work that way.  Depression is an illness.  It can lead to really bad things.  To them I say, "Fuck you!"  and walk away. I don't have time to convince you.

It's a brand new week, let's ALL make it a great one!  Or try to at least.  :)