Earlier this evening, while driving home, I saw a man on the street that was a dead ringer for Barry Manilow. No lie! Could have been him or his twin! Instinctively, I grabbed the cell and started to dial your number. Who else but you, would see the humor? But then I remembered, tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, and continued driving. My eyes welled up with tears. I miss you. So much. You have not a clue. It's stupid really. This whole scenario that transpired. Why I am wasting my time and emotions on someone who clearly did not give a damn about me is beyond comprehension. Oh wait. I know why. Because I'm a masochist, that's why.
Ugh! I hate this! I hate it so much! Why did you have to be the jerk that everyone told me you were? Why didn't I listen to them? Why did you have to prove them right?
I know I have to let this go. But I can't right now, not just yet. I keep hoping that I'll somehow miraculously "see the light" and get what happened. Bleh. Who am I kidding? That's not happening. And while both M&M have told me ad-nauseum to "forget about him", I can't. How do you just "forget" the past five years of your life? Michelle answered it best, "The same way he forgot you. That's how. Just do it." Harsh? Maybe. But true. I know I will let it go. I'm actually doing better than I was months ago, when this saga originally took place. But then something happens or I get good news or have something hilariously funny to share and I reach for that phone again. He was my "person" dammit!
The best thing that happened in my so called friendship with R, was that I learned (albeit the hard way) that I will not let anyone treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. Ever. And I won't settle for mediocre or fair-weathered friends. I know who I am. I know I am a good person. I know I didn't deserve this. I am true to myself and to those that I choose to have in my life. And for that, I am ever grateful.
So maybe this post, is the last chapter of that part of my life. I am letting it go. I am letting you go.
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8 comments:
As a FANilow, the title caught my eye. And after reading this, I'm thinking of the words to Even Now. It's so relevant.
Sorry for your pain. I do believe this is a very real way to let him go. You're taking good care of you. Keep doing that.
Big hugs,
xoRobyn
Wow Y, I am at a loss for words here.
I am sorry you are feeling pain.
Some things are just so much easier said than done. Glad to see you have found a way to deal with your feelings about this person. I know it can be so tough. Take good care.
Wow! FANFREAKINGTASTIC. I feel your pain. Oh my gosh. Do I ever. And it's all that's left for you to do. Today, on FB I posted this as my status update. Maybe it will make a difference for you:
lead-ing la-dy n. – A woman who takes care of herself, lives life to its fullest, goes after her dreams, smiles, laughs, loves herself, loves others, and is thankful and happy. She lives out loud, not afraid to be her true, authentic self, the best version of herself. *amen*
After five years, I can see it would be hard to let go. I know you can do it!
Robyn- I'm a Fanilow too! And thanks to you, I had Even Now in my head all day! :) No worries though, it was very apropos.
OT - You're back!!! :) Thank you. I will be just fine. There is no other choice. Glad to see you back!
YRJ- Thank you! It's very hard, but writing and reminding myself that I deserve more, and surrounding myself with people who love me, helps tons!
Rita- I loved it!!! I actually "stole" from you! :) One day at a time, doll!
Belle- Thanks for your confidence! I think I can do it too. Just not as quickly as I want. I'll do it though. :)
You will be okay, I know it. It's so difficult to let go of something you thought was real. It takes time to fully let go, but each day it becomes a little easier and you become a little stronger.
You have a heart that anyone in their right mind would be so honored to have care for them. Truly, you are a tremendous person and I know you can get through this. *Hugs*
FV- Absolutely! Every day, I get a little stronger. However, I do have those "down" days that get to me and I feel as if I have to start all over. It's a process. I get that. Thank you for your awesome words, I appreciate them very much!
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