Sunday Night Thoughts

An article I read in today's paper, prompted this frame of mind I'm  in.  I currently live with my mom, but I think about the future, specifically, her future all of the time.  My mom is borderline schizophrenic with a splash of bipolar added just for kicks.  When she is on her meds, she's just fine.  The problems start occurring when she's not taking her meds.  I used to have to watch her take her pills.  I didn't trust her to take them on her own.  Even when she was standing right in front of me, she'd sometimes pretend to take them, hide them under her tongue, and the spit them out when I wasn't looking.  Thankfully, she no longer does this.  Which is a relief to me and my siblings.  The problem -well it's not really a problem yet.  But it's something that has the potential of becoming one.  Where was I? Oh right, the problem that's brewing is that my mother has a tendency to downplay her illness or any other ailments that she may be going through. All for the sake of not worrying or burdening us.  She downplays everything.  Before I moved back home with her, I used to call her daily and ask her about her day and how she was doing.  Her answers were almost always the same, "My day was fine.  I'm fine."   Even when she wasn't.  As I get older, I worry more and more about what's going to happen to her.  Sure, we live together now, but I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to.  I crave my own space, I crave my independence.  I crave my alone time.  Sometimes, I feel so guilty because I can't wait to leave.  Anyway, the article that prompted all of this idle chatter, said that sometimes parents downplay their ailments because they don't feel they are worthy of that much attention.  It went on to say that the parentals regress back to acting like a child .  Whoa! How weird is that!? I call my mom "my kid" all the time! I'm joking when I say it of course, but now I'm thinking, "am I really kidding?"  At times, she really does act like a kid and I'm the parent.  I wish sometimes that she would have remarried or have a dating life at least.  My mom is a still a very attractive woman!  Before she retired, she used to work in a department store.  She had men hitting on her and asking her out all the time! Yet she never went out with any of them.  She said she had no interest in doing so.  I think she was just scared.  I do love my mother very much.  And I would do anything for her.  But at what point is it too much? Or is it ever enough?

Something else that is on my mind tonight.  I'm writing this with a heavy heart.  My sister went back to the idiot tonight.  She did it while I was not home.  Purposely, I'm sure.  Since she knew that I would have probably slapped the crap out of her, had I been home.  Ok, not really slapped her, but wanting to nonetheless.  Sigh.  I'm disappointed and angry and sad and very worried.  My mom hasn't stopped crying.  So now, I've got to watch her super closely, so she won't regress and have another one of her  "episodes".  Thanks a lot sissy!  All of this is very draining and I'm so very angry.  I just want to run out screaming and not come back.  Sometimes, life sucks. 

While at church this evening, I was trying to bargain with God and with Mary and with anyone else in heaven listening to me!  I was praying for me, for my sister, for my mom, for everyone it seems! In the end, I just asked for guidance and patience.  That's all I can do.

I haven't seen the Musketeers at all this month.  Michelle bought a condo and is busy renovating it before she moves in and Maricela is studying for the medical boards.  And I'm busy trying to stay sane in the insanity that is my life.  Besides that, I've been hitting the gym hard and eating relatively healthy.  The scale says I'm 11 lbs. lighter.  Yay me!  This whole eating healthy bit can become very, very, boring after a while, let me tell you!  I mean, how much grilled chicken can you eat really??? Add to that the fact that I am not drinking any alcohol,  it's a miracle I've not gone postal yet! Yeah I'm quite the drama queen, I know, I know.

So this was my weekend wrap-up.  Monday is on deck and I've got to go see a pillow about some sleep.

That's the plan anyway.

One can only hope.