As My Dating World Turns...

I'm not much of a "dater" per se. I mean, I date, but I don't like to "juggle", so if I'm dating one person, then I'm dating one person.   I've never been able to date Peter on Monday and Steve on Tuesday and Mario on Wednesday.  Do you follow? Good.   My friend Fatima, who as we speak is on a whirlwind dating tour, dates more than Carrie Bradshaw's closet has shoes! Case in point, I was speaking to her over the weekend. We were kind of playing catch up since due to her "dates" we had not been able to get together. She starts telling me about the men she's met recently and how she's dating them -ALL of them. At the same time.   I started laughing at her because she is hilarious! Her philosophy is "If you like it and it feels good, do it and do it as much as you want." Hmm, something to ponder. So I proceed to tell her about my latest dating anectdotes. She listens and then tells me I need to do as she does. But it's just not me. I'm all for having a good time, but dating is so difficult for me. It becomes almost like a chore and well, where is the fun in that? Seriously, I feel like I channel Lucy Ricardo when I'm on a date. Why? Because everything you can possibly think can go wrong, does -pretty much all of the time. There have been a few exceptions but those are few and far between!
Speaking to Fatima led me to take inventory my latest dating war stories. Now I'm talking about first dates only. Relationships -well that's a whole post!  To help you better understand, let me give you a few examples, or laughs -same thing.

1.   On a blind date once, I met my suitor at the agreed lounge only to find out that it was Lesbian night and he and I were probably the only heterosexual couple there.

2.   On that same date, while at Lesbian Wednesday bar, drinking some wine, my suitor proceeds to put his hand on my thigh, and keeps moving it up until I stop him. He smugly tells me that I "know I want it" and starts again with the hand. So, I take my glass of wine, and smile at him as I throw the Merlot in his face.

3.   I went on an amazing (seemingly) date with a man once that seemed too good to be true.  And well, he was. For as it turns out, at the end of our date, right before he tries to kiss me, he tells me that he is really a she that likes to dress up as a man on ocassion, but hey, "You're cool with that right?" Um, NEXT!

4.   There was a guy I really, really liked. We had been talking for months and finally, we went out. Well, he wined and dined me but when the check came he excused himself to the mens room and never came back. Serious!

5.   I once made plans to go out with someone and he asked me to choose the restaurant where we would be going. He said, "Pick your favorite" so I did. Hours before the date, I receive a TEXT from him saying, "You're a little too high-maintenace for me. I'm more a laid back burgers and fries kind of guy. I no longer wish to go out with you."  WTF???  Oh well, at least he let me know and didn't stand me up. (FYI-I'm not high maintenace but I do like the finer things in life on ocassion, sue me.)

6.   Of course, my all time favorite story is the one about the guy that got mad because I wouldn't give him a blow-job at then end of our FIRST date. (For more in depth explanation, please read "Worst.Date.Ever.")

7.   And then let's not forget about my "One Hit Wonder Dates" -the ones that go smashingly well and then they disappear off the face of the earth!

This is why the thought of joining a convent seems more and more appealing to me lately.  Oh who am I kidding? I wouldn't last an hour in there!

And the dating merry-go-round continues...

I should be sleeping but...

It's 1:41 a.m. Saturday morning.  And I'm wide awake.  That's what I get for taking a three hour nap this afternoon. (Friday afternoon, rather) I never take naps but for some reason, I could barely keep my eyes open today.  So I finally gave in and sought refuge on my couch, thinking I'd sleep for half an hour or so. Heh.  Wrong.  Anyway, so that's my long-winded answer on why I'm still awake in the wee hours of the morning. 

Let's talk turkey! How was yours?  I hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a fabulous one.  Mine was pretty great!  For the first time in months, I had a "happy" day.  And for that alone, I am eternally grateful.  Little things like that, mean the world to me.  I was surrounded by my family.  As irritating and obnoxious as some of them are or can be sometimes, they're my family, and I love them  very much.  So a great time was had by all!

Let's talk Black Friday.  For those that don't know, the day after Thanksgiving has long been the busiest shopping day of the year, often referred to as “Black Friday” because it is the day that retailers become profitable thus moving from “the Red” into “the Black.  In other words, retailers sucker people in into thinking that they absolutely have to get up in some cases, midnight in order to go and get first dibs on the great sales that the stores are having.  It's gotten so ridiculous lately, that this year, there were people camping out since Monday in front of the stores (tents and all) just so they could be first in line or at the very least, second or third.  Crazy right?  I just can't justify losing sleep to go shopping only to save a few bucks.  That's just not computing in my brain.  Don't get me wrong, I love a great bargain, but not enough to sacrifice my sleep.  That's sacred.

 So what did I do today?  A whole lotta nothing.  And I loved it!  Best thing about today?  Watching my alma mater, the University of Houston win their 12th game in a row! 12-0 baby!!!  Go Cougars!!!

Alright, this chica is going to "occupy" her bed,  and stop talking in third person

Good night!

Happy Thanksgiving One and All!

I am so grateful for all that I have and even what I do not have.  I am rich in health, family, friends, employment and my bloggies.  Oh and also for stretchy pants, as I will most definitely need them later today, after I consume about a million calories!

From my little corner of the world, to yours, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, with love!

Dream Weaver

Thanks to this post http://crazywithasideofawesomesauce.blogspot.com/2011/11/dreams.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2Frdbl+%28Crazy+with+a+side+of+Awesome+Sauce%29 I decided I would compile a short list of some of my dreams.  We all have them, don't we?  The thing about dreams/aspirations for me, is that I tend to be afraid of them.  Meaning that deep down, in the core of my lack of self-esteem and confidence, I hold this fear that I will never make any of them (dreams) come true.  Of course nothing could be further from the truth, but it's a struggle for me and one I deal with almost on a daily basis. 

Okay, so this "dreams" list of mine, is no particular order of significance.

1.  Conquering my demons
2.  Travel to Spain and to Italy for long periods of time
3.   Become a paid writer
4.   Sell my screenplay to a major production company
5.   Find inner peace
6.   Do something outside my norm at least twice a year
7.   Having healthy and loving relationships (family, friends, significant other, employment)
8.   Become Oprah rich (ok, that's a pretty far-fetched dream.  I'd settle for just "rich")
9.   Make a lasting impression on people I meet along the way
10. Make a difference

Do-able?  Totally.  At least, in my head.  I believe dreams force us to probe into ourselves and deal with the "crud" that we don't always want to face or deal with. 

What are your thoughts? 

Barry Manilow and Closure

Earlier this evening, while driving home, I saw a man on the street that was a dead ringer for Barry Manilow.  No lie! Could have been him or his twin!  Instinctively, I grabbed the cell and started to dial your number.  Who else but you, would see the humor?  But then I remembered, tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, and continued driving.  My eyes welled up with tears.  I miss you.  So much.  You have not a clue.  It's stupid really.  This whole scenario that transpired.  Why I am wasting my time and emotions on someone who clearly did not give a damn about me is beyond comprehension.  Oh wait. I know why.  Because I'm a masochist, that's why. 

Ugh! I hate this! I hate it so much!  Why did you have to be the jerk that everyone told me you were? Why didn't I listen to them? Why did you have to prove them right? 
I know I have to let this go.  But I can't right now, not just yet.  I keep hoping that I'll somehow miraculously "see the light" and get what happened.  Bleh.  Who am I kidding?  That's not happening.  And while both M&M have told me ad-nauseum to "forget about him", I can't.  How do you just "forget" the past five years of your life?  Michelle answered it best, "The same way he forgot you.  That's how.  Just do it."  Harsh? Maybe.  But true.  I know I will let it go.  I'm actually doing better than I was months ago, when this saga originally took place.  But then something happens or I get good news or have something hilariously funny to share and I reach for that phone again. He was my "person" dammit! 

The best thing that happened in my so called friendship with R, was that I learned (albeit the hard way)  that I will not let anyone treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. Ever.  And I won't settle for mediocre or fair-weathered friends.  I know who I am. I know I am a good person.  I know I didn't deserve this.  I am true to myself and to those that I choose to have in my life.  And for that, I am ever grateful.

So maybe this post, is the last chapter of that part of my life.  I am letting it go.  I am letting you go.

If Only In A Dream

"I came to tell you that I'm sorry."
My heart raced at the sight of him.  Hands shaking, I opened the screen door and let him inside.
"Thanks." he muttered as he stepped into the house.

We stood there, staring at each other, for what seemed like forever, but really, was only a few seconds.  Finally, I told him to take a seat and offered him something to drink.  He declined on both counts.

"I miss you.  I miss talking to you and I miss our friendship. I was an idiot! I'm sorry Lola, I'm sorry I hurt you!"

I had been waiting and waiting for years for this apology.  I finally had it and I was at a loss for words.
He realized this and filled the void, "I fucked up ok? Is that what you want to hear? I did.  I hurt you.  You were my best friend and I'm standing now in front of you, asking for forgiveness..."

My eyes brimmed with tears, I could barely make him out as he stood a few feet in front of me.
Without any further hesitation, I threw my arms around him and hugged him.  He hugged me back.  We stayed that way for a long time.  Just holding each other, me crying softly, and him telling me over and over how stupid he had been.

"I forgive you!"  I meant it.  I forgave him, just like that all hurtful words, painful acts disappeared.  Forgiven.  We smiled at each other and an overwhelming feeling of calm, mixed in with happiness filled my heart.  We hugged again...

"Lola,  wake up, it's time."

I opened my eyes, tears falling down my face. Reality sinking in.  Gustabo was never here.  Slowly, my mind started focusing on the present.  Sadly, I remembered that he had been killed in a car accident three days before.  The visit had all been a dream. 

"Are you okay?"  My sister asked me.

I stared blankly at her and nodded.

As I drove to the church where the funeral mass would take place, I quickly glanced up at the sky and whispered, "I forgive you."  And I smiled.
___________________________
*I don't know why but death has been on my mind a lot lately.  It's trickling over to my topics for my stories and poetry.  Hope you like this one!

"Moving on" - a short, short, short story

Saturdays are normally set aside for running errands, maybe some shopping, definitely a visit to the grocery store and let’s not forget laundry, you know, chores and what not.  Normally. Today however, I woke up, sun was shining, and my inner child refused to cooperate in getting any of the aforementioned done. So, giving in to "the kid", I showered, got dressed, and took off.   It had been ages since I had done anything like this!  Ages…  Just me and this beautiful Saturday morning!  A “beautiful” day merits "top down on the car" kind of music.  I pop in my "old-school"  mix CD –what can I say?  I love "old school" music!  First up, Earth Wind & Fire's "September" “Do you remember?” ---I belted out loudly.  The wind blowing in my hair created a mini-tornado.  I glanced at myself in the rear-view mirror and laughed at what I saw.  I found myself on I-10 West, San Antonio bound!  No particular reason.  I’d drive there, have a nice lunch, walk around the Riverwalk, maybe shopping and then head back.  As I drove away from the city and the traffic, my mind began to wander... 

"I still can’t believe you are not here anymore.  Well, not physically I mean.  I miss you so much!  Do you miss me?  Sigh.  You know, I’ve often wondered what our lives would have been like if you had not gotten sick.  Do you? Would we be married?  Would we have kids?  Would you still dance with me under the stars, even when there was no music?  I miss that a lot.  Dancing with you.  You were always better at it than me.  Just so you know, I’m okay.  Really. I mean, it took me a long, long time to feel this way.  But I really am.  It was scary there for a while.  I didn’t think I was going to get over losing you.  But I did.  You should be very proud of me!”

"I am proud of you.  And I miss you too, so much."

Whoa! I glanced trepidly to my right, only to see Alex sitting beside me.  He saw the look of terror and disbelief on my face and quickly tried to calm me down.  "It's okay baby. It's okay.  Don't freak out.  I'm here.  I'm really here.  You're not imagining it."

Refusing to look to my right again I kept my eyes on the road and continue to drive.  Turning the music up louder,  to drown out my thoughts and my apparent hallucinations.

He touched my arm trepidly.  "Pull over" he said in that "take charge" voice of his.

Instinctively, I do as I am told and pull the car over on the side of the road. 

I slowly turn my face to see him staring back at me.  Sitting in the passenger seat, smiling.

"Oh God, it's really you isn't it? I'm not crazy???" 

He takes me in his arms and holds me.  I inhale his smell.  "You're not crazy Caro.  I'm here to tell you that I'm okay.  Go on with your life.  Be happy..."

I look into those beautiful green eyes that I fell in love with a lifetime ago.  I touch his face, run
my fingers through his head full of thick curls.  And then we kiss.  Hungrily, yet softly. 

"I'm sorry.  I'm sorry we fought that day... It was my fault!"  I was saying what I had been holding in for so long.

He cupped my face with his hands.  "No.  It was not your fault.  It just happened.  I love you.  Go on with your life.  I love you..."

Just then this buzzing noise went off and I jolted up in bed.  Alarm clock.  Sigh, so it was a dream.  Still more asleep than awake, I get out of bed and walk over to the window.  The sun just coming out. I stare out at the sky.  "Thank you Alex..."

*Just an idea I have swirling in my head.  What'd you think?