Getting old sucks. Not because of any specific number but because inevitably, our bodies remind us every chance it gets. In the mornings while getting out of bed, or going up and down the stairs, or while trying to work out with a 23 year old frame of mind in a 50 year old body. I can always tell when it's going to rain, no not because of any local weather person, but because my joints ache. Literally. I remember when my grandma was alive and she would be just as active as ever one minute and then the next she'd be rubbing some kind of ointment on her legs and thighs because "it was going to rain." Never mind that it was sunny and beautiful outside when she said it. I used to make fun of her for that. Used to. I should have known better and not laughed at her. I imagine her laughing at me now, maybe even saying, "Ha! I told you!" all the way from heaven.
Like I said, getting old sucks. Today is one month to the day that I have been in excruciating pain. On March 31st I was taken to the ER because my left leg was numb and tingling and my outer thigh hurt like a biatch. But the reason the Urgent Care nurse sent me to the hospital was because my ankles were so swollen they looked like huge overstuffed tamales. Seriously. And so she wanted to rule out blood clots. Thankfully, the x-ray and ultrasound were normal. They just showed signs of arthritis and muscle tissue deterioration. The generic nurse gave me two Tylenol and sent me on my way. But as the days passed, my pain got worse and soon, it was very painful and difficult for me to put any weight on my left leg. When I walked, or tried to, I did so gritting my teeth and praying for mercy. The pain grew worse.
A month later and I'm still the same, maybe worse. There is slight inflammation but nothing like before. But the pain. Oh good God the pain. It's so bad that I can't lift my left leg but maybe a few inches. To paint a clearer picture, I can't even put on my underwear people! I have to do it very slowly and then just set it on the floor and step into it, and then gently and very, very, slowly, raise it up. Due to this craziness, I have not been able to wear any cute shoes at all. No high heels, no cute wedges, not even flats. I have succumbed to wearing my sneakers all the time. At work, at home, when I go out. Let me tell you, I feel like a big moron wearing my pretty dresses or pantsuits or skirts with the dreaded sneakers. It's the only shoe I can wear and not cry out in pain. The doctors say it's because of the foam support. Meh. I always frowned at the ladies I saw in dresses or suits that were wearing them. Oh how the tables of turned. Damn you karma.
So here we are. I have has an MRI. I have seen a neurosurgeon who referred me to an Orthopedic Surgeon because my MRI did not indicate anything in my spine or the lumbar area. His diagnoses is that my left hip is the culprit. Oh and? I'm still in pain. So the game plan is physical therapy, aquatic therapy to relieve my joints and light walking. Just how am I supposed to bring the sexy back with light walking???
I go to work, I try and act as normal as possible. I smile, I laugh, I act interested in whatever you are telling me but really, all that is going through my mind is how much I want this pain to stop. How much I want to be and feel like myself again.
Let me tell you, my depression has reared her ugly head and has taken over my life. Simply because I am weak, vulnerable and feel so inadequate and see no end of this hell in sight. There are days when all I want to do is sleep. If I sleep, I won't be feeling the pain. When I'm awake, I now look for elevators and escalators. Anything where I don't have to lift my leg. IT.SUCKS. And you know, for the most part, my coworkers have been amazing and sympathetic. But as in any workplace, there are a few negative Nellies that have even doubted my pain. I try to not let that pettiness get to me, but on the days where I am literally hanging by a thread, it becomes extremely difficult to do.
But I march on. I'm no quitter. I may feel like quitting sometimes, but I won't. So for now, this is my new normal. Until I get a handle on what's going on. And I'm hoping the Ortho, who I see this week, will give me a better game plan and we start kicking this pain's ass.
Anyway bloggies, this is what I have been up to lately. I've been away too long. I will remedy that. Oh and I would be remiss if I did not mention that baseball season (my second favorite time of the year) is in full swing (see what I did there?) and my Astros are in FIRST.PLACE. See? Silver linings everywhere. We just have to know where to look
It's a new week bloggies. Make it count.
-peace
