Good bye October

My birthday month has come to an end. Thirty one days of laughs, tears, pain, anger, resentment, struggles, successes, insight, good choices, bad choices, dillemmas, happiness. The race is on, the clock is ticking, there are only 8 weeks left in the year. What will I do? How will I make it count? Four months ago I started a journey to self-improvement, to become a better version of myself, to stop the insanity that was my life. So how am I doing? Sigh, well, it's been rough, not gonna lie. But I realized that I'm stronger than I know. And that no matter how many times life knocks me down, I keep getting back up, sometimes, even when I don't want to. I still have a lot of issues to deal with and the better version of myself still needs a lot of work. I've taken two steps forward somedays only to take three steps back on other days. It's those days that I struggle with. I beat myself up for failing, for falling back into the same patterns, the "familiar". No one is harder on me than myself. Why can't I just forgive and move on? Instead I obsess, question, lecture myself -basically beat myself up. See? I am still working on it.

November. Bring it.

All Hallow's Eve

This Rock Star life of mine is exhausting. So I just got home. It's about 2:00 a.m. and even though I am tired to the point of delirium, I can't fall asleep. So, I came here, where everybody knows my name. :)

Last night and tonight's parties were tons of fun. But today I kind of just ran out of steam a little after midnight. Could it have been all the dancing and the vodka and Chocolate cake shots I did? Hmmm, maybe. Tonight I still had a good time, but it was done at a more moderate speed and sans alcohol. What? I still had a great time! lol

While I was able to wear my Betty Boop costume to last night and last week's parties, tonight I had a wardrobe malfunction so I had to improvise -which sucked! But it all worked out, like always.

I realize I'm just rambling, but like I said, lack of sleep and dehydration will cause you to say and/or write silly things.

Oh! Super excited because the Rangers won!

Later today (much later, after much sleep!) I will be getting together with all of my nieces and nephews for trick or treating! Yay!

Alright, let me put this blog out of it's misery.

Good night.

Making Amends

Tonight I finally got the courage that I had been lacking to apologize to someone that I hurt very much. The guilt of my actions had been torturing me for months! But each time I reached for the phone to call them, I'd lose my nerve and hang up. I don't know what was so different or special about this night. Just a regular Wednesday night, I was sitting on my sofa, listening to music and having a glass of wine. Suddenly the overwhelming urge to speak to this person came over me. And without hesitation, I grabbed my cell and dialed the number. For the next hour I engaged in a much needed conversation with my friend. I apologized for my actions, begged forgiveness and gave my reasons for my behavior. Truly, it was never my intent to hurt this person. All is now forgiven and water under the bridge. And I can sigh with relief and maybe even contrition. Sometimes even the most best intentions get skewed and fuzzy. I marveled at how easy it was for my friend to forgive me. I am not so sure I would have acted as kind. How about you? Do you forgive easily? Are you a forgive and forget kind of person? Or a forgive but not really kind of person?

Ok, that's all for now, I need a refill.

Just Once More

I want to see you
to touch you
kiss you
hold you.

I long to be in your arms
and feel your breath on my face, my body.

I yearn to hear your voice
your laughter
See your smile.

I crave you.

Just once more...

Work in Progress - First Draft

***I haven't titled this yet and not sure where it's going. Just wanted to share and hear your thoughts -if any. Thanks!***

"I want you..."

"You want what?"

"I want you NOW! I want to feel you inside me, I need you so bad..."

Words barely audible in the midst of the sexual energy, heavy breathing, and clothes being flung about!

For Valencia and Adrian, "making love" was the last thing on their mind! What they wanted and needed and were doing, was "having sex", "fucking" as it were. Time and circumstances had kept them apart for a long time. Too long and now time was ticking and it was time to devour the moment!

She stared at him as his body protruded and made those oh so funny faces a man makes when he is about to or is having an orgasm. She enjoyed being on top. Being the one "in control", she reveled in the fact that she made him feel this way.

Seductive.

She sreamed out over and over as she climaxed. Over and over saying his name...kissing his body, letting him touch her there, in that special place that only he knew existed.

Time Out.

Laying there, entwined in each other's arms, trying to catch their breath and composure, Adrian glances at her, pulls a strand of hair out of her face and just smiles. How she loved that smile. It melted her very existence!

"I love you Vali. I loved you the day we first met. I was just too stupid to accept it."

Valencia sits up, the sheet that was a second ago covering her naked body is now strewn between them. He gazes at her beauty. Her breasts exposed.

"Do you know how long I waited for you to say that???" "Do you?"
She has a tears in her eyes.

Adrian takes her in his arms and cradles her. And there they stayed, hours, professing their love for one another.

To be continued...

A Funneh

I was at a friend's Halloween party on Saturday night. As far as house parties go, it was a blasty blast! Towards the end of the night, only the die-hards remained. Yours truly being one of them. We were sitting outside in the backyard patio. Drinking what was left of the alcohol and munching on reheated food. Something about reheated food at 2:00 a.m. that makes it taste so good! lol Either that or everyone is just too drunk and hungry to care. At any rate, the topic of conversation was absolute deal-breakers when dating someone. You know, like for example, I will absolutely NOT share a toothbrush with anyone let alone someone I'm dating! That's just gross! So we all took turns devulging our pet peeves. Round the table we all went. Well, amongst our group was a friend I'll call Lola. Lola is beautiful, and clever and intelligent, she's an in-your-face kind of girl. She will chew you up and spit you out without wincing, before you even know what hit you! Among her litany of "deal-breakers" was men touching her feet. Well actually, anyone touching her feet. She has an aversion to them so getting something so simple as a pedicure is pure torture for her. "Plus my toes are so sensitive I can't let anyone touch them! It's like 10 little clitorises on my feet!" By far, that was the funniest line of the night! We all looked at her and burst into laughter. I will never be able to look at my toes without thinking of that! It's always like that when this group gets together. We each learn way too much information about each other. Way too much! Conversation continued into the wee hours of the morning.

Good times.

"Round Two?"

I had a conversation one night with someone that I care for very much. Out of that convesation, this emerged:

"Round Two?"

Hands roaming everywhere.

Exploring.

Bodies entangled, sweat, heavy breathing, lust.

Kisses that keep us wanting more and more.

Deeper, softer, harder, faster, slower

soft moans escape our mouths

our eyes are locked into each other
not looking away.

to be inside me as you are drives me insane!

To feel you with every thrust makes me want this never to end!

Quiet whispers, "I want you so bad", "I need you so much..."

Then all at once the waves come in and lead our bodies to ecstasy.

Catching our breath, laying together, now peaceful, serene.

Pounding hearts returning to normal

Sigh,

with a devilish look on our faces we stare at each other,

Round two?

Worst.Date.Ever (The Recycled Version)

 Last night my good friend *Gustabo asked me if I had any "bad dates" stories? Me? Muahahahaha! How much time you got? I asked him.  So in keeping with the "Bad Dates" theme and because I'm too tired to think of anything even remotely interesting to write, I'm going "recycle" a post I wrote back in October of 2010.  For those that have read it already, please indulge me again, and for those that have not read it yet, I hope you enjoy it! Or laugh at it.
 __________________________________________________

Earlier this evening I met up with a few friends for happy hour. Over wine and pizza (we improvised ok? nothing but the best for us!) the discussion of choice was "Worst/Best____ Ever!" So the group consisted of four women and six men. Clearly the ladies were outnumbered!  One of the guys started the convo off by telling us how he had just been on the BEST date of his life and how he thinks she may be "the one" blah,blah,blah! So we all start trading our BEST date stories and then tried to one up each other. Well, they thinking they knew ALL of my secrets wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise! So I had to think fast and blurted out, "I was called a "cock block bitch" once!" Silence. Even our waitress stopped pouring the beer and just stared at  us me.  "Well I was!" They were all staring at me in disbelief! "Ok fun-size, spill it!" First, let me share with you, one of my many, many, MANY nicknames is Fun-size. Stop laughing!  I'm only 4'11 and ever since I can remember, I have been given various nicknames because of this! Whatever. So I proceed to tell them about my worst date ever. It happened years ago mind you. During my Myspace phase. Lame. I know but it was all the rage back then!!! And nothing has topped it -yet. Not even the "Bad Kisser" story! Don't believe me? Read for yourself...

We met by way of MySpace.com Separated by miles but bound by the internet. The emails began, the camaraderie, the bantering... All seemed well. All seemed okay. The "suitor" and I had a lot in common. We even grew up in the same neighborhood etc. He was a public school kid, I was a private school kid. Ironically, (or not) our paths never crossed while growing up. So the seeds of our "friendship" were planted and my insides became giddy at the possibility of something "new" transpiring. After countless emails and numerous, lengthy, phone calls, the "suitor" asked me out. We went out on a Friday. Now, I we debated going out at all that weekend.  It happend to be Good Friday and while I'm not a hard-core, rosary carrying Catholic, I still feel odd going out and partying on Good Friday.  Now Holy Saturday, well that's a whole different story!  It's ON then!   Ok where was I?  Yeah so we decided to go ahead and keep it "calm" and just meet for dinner and drinks.  And if things were going well, we'd go all out and take in a movie.  I know, I know, I know how to party!  When we finally met that Good Friday night, it was very nice. The entire evening was great! He winded and dined me.  Literally.  Heh.  After dinner we decided to go listen to a jazz guitarist friend of mine.  He was playing at a local establishment that we both frequented.  Now at this point, I'm thinking, "ok, he hasn't even tried to hold my hand."  Hmmm, he's going with the "gentleman" approach.  Nice. There was a lot of talking and laughing and getting to know each other.  Not in a Match.com kind of way but in a relaxed and totally spontaneous element.  All indications led me to believe that this guy had more than potential!  But wait. It got better.  At then end of our date, my "suitor", ever the gentleman, decides he's going to walk me to my door (Yes this is how comfortable I felt about him, I let him pick me up at home). It was then that he reached for my hand.  We walked slowly and comfortably to my door. Up to this point, this is the most we had done in terms of "intimate" contact! I thanked him for a nice time and kissed his cheek. He reaches for me and kisses me on the mouth. Totally caught me off guard!  But it was nice.  In my head, I tell myself that that is enough. He's coy. He's smooth. He goes for another one and I again, kiss him back. Finally, after some serious making out, we break away and I hug him and tell him to drive safe. He proceeds to ask me and I quote: "Can't you find somewhere better to put your hands?" (at the time, my hands were around his neck.) I looked at him incredulously, and he proceeded to take my hand and put it over his crotch! That's right ladies and gentleman! There was "lift" off!!! I pried my hand away quickly but not quickly enough not to feel his "arousal". At that moment I wanted to throw up. Not because I'm a prude, I'm not. But this idiot ruined an otherwise perfect evening and ruined any chance of building any type of relationship -platonic or otherwise with me. The night ended when he huffed away mad. But not before he telling me, "I thought you were an adult, you're just a cock block bitch." I'm totally serious! He actually said that to me! It was so silly I almost broke out in laughter but I was too angry at him! What happened to "dating"? You know, the guy picks up the girl at home, they go out, have a good time, walks her to the door and "maybe" they kiss or hug and then the date ends. This of course leading the way for the possibility of more dates more flirting, just more in the future!  What happened to that? Am I so "backwards" that this does not happen anymore? I know I'm not because I have been on plenty of dates and none have ever, ever ended the way this one did!! Now, maybe you're thinking that I led him on or teased him. Did I lead him on? No. Did I flirt with him? Of course I did. I was attracted to him and I genuinely was starting to like him. Certainly, I would have wanted to get to know him better and see if it would lead to anything. At what point did our date turn into "You have to blow me?" Give me a break! I felt like I was back in high school fighting off a 9th grader with a hard on! Jeez! What a disappointment! Or in hindsight, a blessing in disguise? This is why dating is very "exclusive" for me and why I am so picky! Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on dating because I refuse to believe all men are like this moron but damn! Talk about bursting a bubble... I should have known this was too good to be true...or rather, he was to good to be true...

Alas, that was a few days ago and it is past. My eyes are focused on the future and what wonderful, charming, sexy, intelligent men I have yet to meet...
_____________
"And THAT'S what happened." I said to my dorky friends.

"Bring her a shot!"

Lovely! My friends' answer to all of our plights, alcohol! Works for me, Salud!

Reality and Writing -A Nice Flow

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I've been writing since I was about 15 years old. The past few years however, I let life get in the way and in true ADD fashion, I kept going for the next best thing to catch my attention. I neglected my first love. My second love is a close second and that is reading. -But that's for another time and another blog. So earlier this summer, a whole lot of crap happened to me. Some life changing, some just, well, not good. At any rate, I found myself falling back into the "black hole" and depression soon engulfed me. It's been a long and hard past four months -almost five! But I'm so glad to say that I am better. I am so much better than I was just a few months ago. And part of the reason is because of this outlet. This blogging that I do. Besides giving me satisfaction, it also gives me insight and at times triggers forgotten memories or burried memories. Sigh, I still have a lot of work to do, but for the most part, I'm better. I never thought I would be able to say that. Oh, I still have my issues, LOTS of issues! And lets not forget that certain someone that still pulls my heart strings. But even so, I've come to the realization that he will always have my heart. I can't change that, no matter how hard I try. So I don't try anymore. It is what it is and I have no regrets. In spite of all of that I'm dealing with the demons this time, and not discarding them, or putting them away for later. I'm handling what needs to be handled. Slowly, a better version of myself, is emerging. And I like it.

A is for Accountability

Ever since I began this journey of self-discovery and creating a better version of myself, I have had to do a lot of soul searching, face the demons that had been dormant for most of my life. Well, those demons are awake now that I'm "cleaning house." All this probing into myself has not been easy and proven to be a daunting task. What I have come to realize though, is that we are all accountable for our actions. We are where we are because of choices we made. Not anyone else. Everyone in their own way always looks for an out. Always looks the other way. No one wants to deal or confront a problem, confront the demon(s). So we run. Well, I suddenly find myself very tired. I refuse to live my life as I have been. No more Ms. Nice Guy! I acknowledge and accept, and own the fact that because of the choices I made or didn't make, I am in this predicament. Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy, and if it does, it comes at a price. I realize that. So I continue to fight the good fight, and though at times I fall and want to stay down, I force myself to get back up because if I give in, the demons win and my life remains the same.

Besides, I'm a sore loser.

Change is coming. Stay tuned...

JT In Da Houuuuuuuuuuuuuuse!

So confession time, I'm on the computer but have the tv on and am secretly waiting for Justin Timberlake to come out on Jay Leno! Yes, I really am! Stop laughing! Did I just make you throw up a little in your mouth? I can't help it! I don't know what it is about this guy but he's totally hot! I think he's very sexy and has this way about him that totally does it for me. Back in his boy band days, I wasn't a fan. It wasn't until Cry Me A River came out that I started to notice and the rest is history. There. That's my confession. So bloggers, who is your crush that you fantasize about? By the way, JT is just one of my crushes, wait until I tell you about my life long fantasy love affair with Andy Garcia! lol

I'd Like to thank the Blogcadamy...

Hello fellow bloggers!

Imagine my surprise when I logged on yesterday morning and found out that I had been given an award! My very first Blog Award! Yay me! :)
Thank you Adorkable for bestowing such an honor on me! lol I originally started this blog back in 2007 but wasn't really into it and kind of just forgot about it. Until this past summer. -My beginning of self-discovery and reassessments. I appreciate everyone's comments and encourage more! It helps me sort out the neurosis that is my life. Looking forward to improving my writing and enticing you with my words!

From what I've gathered by visiting other award blog recipients, I have to tell 7 things about myself that you might not have known and tag people that I think deserve this award. So without further ado,

7. Red is my signature color.
6. Rainstorms lull me to sleep.
5. I'm left-handed.
4. I love books.
3. I'm the oldest of four
2. I want to write for a living and leave this life sucking career of mine for good.
1. I am a secret agent. (ok not really, but my list was getting boring! lol)

And now for my nominees:

1. Israel Carrasco Monologue Jokes
2. Tales from a Loser
3. Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot
4. I Shoulda Been a Stripper
5. Confessions of Me

Blog on peeps! :)

Breaking Through

Yearning to fly
Soar in the sky like a bird
Free!

Bound by choices made
Regret
Failure
The past.

Cannot, will not continue this way
Gloom and sadness cradle me
but I will break free!

Light and hope
Love and happiness
will hold me now.

A Man of His Word

I was watching a telenovela this evening (Yes I admit it. I'm a spanish-soap opera junkie along with my mom! lol)and one of the characters was telling another character how the stranger that had just come to town was a "hombre de palabra" -A man of his word. And it triggered a memory for me. Long ago, when my parents were still together, I remember how my dad was always lying to my mom or to us. Always making promises then not keeping them. I remember one night in particular, they were having a really bad argument and I was in my bedroom with the door closed. But I could still hear them screaming and yelling at each other. Right then and there, I promised myself that the man I would marry, would be a man of his word. I wanted him (still do, keep hope alive and all that. lol)to be an honest man, a man who when he said he would do something, he followed through. Remembering that night and that promise I made to myself, prompted me to take inventory of the men that have come and gone into my life thus far. Final tally to date? No, I won't post numbers. I'll just say that there have been more men who keep their word than men who don't in my life. I like those results. There is something very special about a man who honors his word. To me, that is very important. I think that perhaps because I was let down so much by my own father, I'm a bit skewed on men I date. Funny how something so slight or minute, can trigger such a powerful and forgotten memory.

Sunday Revisited

Remember how I said that I hate Sundays? Well it's Sunday again. Sigh, this week will be a difficult one at work. Just thinking about my primadonna boss and his mood swings have my neck all knotted up and it's not even Monday yet! I'm so tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I close my eyes and think of a happy place. It is usually on a beach somewhere, with the ocean and waves and sand between my toes oh and seagulls flying overhead! Ahh, bliss.

Until I wake-up.

The alternative (not waking up) would be tragic.

Monday -one day closer to the weekend! lol

What if it was the weekend all of the time? Ok, I think I'm a little delirous now. Apologies and all that.

You've been a great audience (those that actually read through this)

Good night, don't forget to tip the waitstaff on your way out!

Open Letter to "Someone I Used to Know"

Dear Gustabo:

I found out the other day that you are finally going to be a daddy! I am so happy for you! I really, really am! When I found out my eyes welled up with tears. I know how long you have been wanting and hoping for this baby! You're going to be a great daddy! And I can only imagine how euphoric your family is!

My only regret is that I cannot share this happiness with you. Circumstances beyond my control keep me at bay. No worries. It is what it is. Just know that the bond we shared one day, still remains in my heart.

Love,
-me.

***Gustabo is a name I use for most if not all of my male "characters" to protect the innocent and the not so innocent***

Heeee's Baaaack!

So if you follow my blog on a regular basis you will remember that a few days ago, I wrote about something that happened to me on my birthday weekend of fun! Specifically, how I met a guy, we hit it off and made plans to go out, and then poof! He disappeared. Remember now? Good. Well, I was beside myself because I couldn't believe he would just do a "Houdini" on me like that! But alas, he did. So I did what any woman who's just been "Houdinied" would do, I deleted all text messages as well as his number from my cell phone. Hmmpf! That will teach him! (truly, I know it won't but give me a break, it's all I have right now) Where was I? Oh yeah, so almost two weeks later, I get a text today from a number I don't recognize. The text said, "Hi Yvonne, it's Gustabo, so did you win big money in Lousiana? Sorry I didn't text you back the other day, been busy." Upon seeing his name, I realized who it was. The other day??? Um, no try like almost two weeks ago!!! Ugh! Men!!! I read his text again and just started laughing, loudly. My boss who happened to be passing by as I did this, looked at me with a look that said, "What's so funny? Wait. Don't tell me just get back to work" Really, I know that's what he was thinking! So anyway, I was all indignant talking to myself, "Really Gustabo? Really? You disappear from the face of the earth without so much as a "See ya!" and now you want to talk? Or text rather. I don't think so. Of course, I didn't come to this conclusion on my own. My friend Carla interjected her thoughts. "Fuck him! No soup for him!" Ahahaha, I loved it!!!! And of course I didn't respond. Momma didn't raise no fool!

I'm A Believer

I know better than to debate anyone about religion. And yet, I found myself doing just that last night -with my cousin no less! It was all done on Facebook but still! It all started because I commented on a quote someone else had posted having to do with religion. I said I didn't agree with the quote and it was on after that! It didn't escalate to much but only because the post was deleted. Just as well because I was getting angry and that's never good when you're trying to win a debate! Nevertheless, I am growing irritated at the fact that I keep having to defend my beliefs and my Catholic upbringing and the fact that I'm a practicing Catholic. -A big sinner, but Catholic just the same. Enough already! I know Catholicism is flawed but show me a religion that is not! And yes, I've heard all the priest jokes, the nun jokes -hell I even made some up! I went to a parochial elementary school and then an all girl Catholic high school. There is very little that I have not seen or heard or lived in that regard. Why can't we as a whole, as a society just accept each others' beliefs and let everyone go about their lives? Why in the year 2010 are we still persecuting each other over this? It's dumbfounding to me. I consider myself to be open-minded and so I have no problem exploring other beliefs, other sanctuaries, churches, etc. Just don't try and convert me or criticize what I believe in. I respect you and your beliefs and you respect mine. -in a perfect world.

Meh! I just needed to vent.

Rant over.

Elation

I've been glued to the tv most of the evening -along with just about everyone else in the world it seems! Watching the rescue operation in Chile and the homecoming hugs has truly been captivating and very emotional. I can't even begin to imagine what those men have been through and will go through post rescue. I'm claustophobic, imagining being down there for even a minute is torturous for me, think what it was for the miners! Thankfully, their nightmare is almost over!

Cleansing

I cried tonight.
Melancholy tears.
Wishful tears.
"I miss you so much" tears.
Sigh.
Cleansing of the soul is good and was needed tonight.

Me, Myself and I

I spent my Sunday playing with my nieces and nephews. Not all of them, I was missing two. But the three I did have with me wore me out! lol We played and sang and painted and played some more! Sydney (my oldest niece ) is 9 years old, Ethan is 5 and Leah is 3. For such little people they make a LOT of noise!!!! -Great times though! Children make me happy. Babies make me happy. Once upon a time, I wanted babies. When I turned thirty-five and was still not married and childless, I made a conscience decision to accept the fact that I may never be married or bear a child. The latter made me very sad for a little while. I always dreamed of having my own home, with a husband, a baby or two, the SUV in garage, and a dog. Unfortunately, none of that happened. For a long time I questioned God and why he wouldn't give me what I wanted. I got angry, sad, and then angry again. But slowly, with time, I apologized to God for being such a brat and I made peace with that part of my life. Oh I know, there's always adoption or a sperm bank, etc. I know the drill. It's just that I'm more the "old-fashioned way" kind of girl. So here I am, forty-four years old and alone. I've grown to love my independence. Love the fact that I can take off on a whim at any given time and not worry about anyone else but me. I love the fact that as a single women, I have options and opportunities that perhaps I would not have, if I was married and a mother. I watch my brothers and my sister and my friends who are married and parents, I watch them struggle, juggle, and perform miracles. And I think, "Thank God that's not me!" I've grown selfish with my time, with my freedom. Sure it sucks to be alone sometimes. And yeah, I get the case of the lonelies more times than not, but I'm happy. I don't know the future. I can only hope and leave everything else in God's hands. He's got a plan you know, I just don't know what it is! lol Clue me in will ya???
And when I get those "baby pangs" I satisfy the cravings by picking up one of my many friends' kids and taking them out for the day. Or visit someone who has a newborn. -I love newborns!!!! Speaking of, my sister-in-law is due to have her third child this week!!! Yay, another baby to hold!!!! So, I'm good.

10-10-10

Four months.
Sigh...
Still miss you.
Life goes on.

Gyros, Vino and Men, Oh my!

I had an interesting conversation with one of my girlfriend's today. We were surrounded by Greek gods! (ok not really, but since were we were at a Greek festival, there were many, many good looking men there and we decided they were all Greek!) The topic of our conversation? Men of course! In this conversation, we explored the great mystery of why men act interested in you and shower you with attention and charm you and get your hopes up, only to disappear from the face of the earth almost immediately? Last weekend (yes my birthday weekend) I met someone, had the most awesome 3 hour conversation, exchanged numbers, and said our goodbyes. For the next few days after that, communication was constant, at times instantaneous. We both agreed that there was a mutual interest. Yay! (my inner voice reaction) Then, from one day to the next (literally)he disappeared. I say disappeared because I never heard from him again. I called, left a message and text messaged him as well. No response. Which leads me to believe, he lost insterest or was just playing with me. I don't know. My friend thinks it's just a game men play. If that's true, why not just be upfront? Why disappear? I get that sometimes they lose interest or whatever it is that happens to them, but why not just say so? "Not interested", "Was just a joke.", "I'm a jerk,it's what I do." I mean anything is better than the disappearing act. Disappearing just makes us wonder and draw insane conclusions! Meh! So that was kind of weird. My girlfriend says we need to play the same game. But again, I don't like playing games. Well, that's not entirely true. I've done that disappaering act" too! But I felt bad about it and apologized. Ok so it was months later, but I still apologized! Situations like this make me feel less inclined to give another guy a chance. I mean, meeting men, dating, that's so complicated these days! I know not ALL men are the same and I know that I'll meet someone eventually (one can only hope! lol) that won't disappear! But to get to that Prince, I have to date a lot of frogs. And lets be honest here, my frog quota is way, way over the limit! So that's it. Men are exasperating and frustrating, but they are also oh so charming when they want to be.

"Lets go get some Baklava." said my friend, and with that, we finished our last sip of wine and went in search for our pastry.

OPA!

Today I explored my "inner Greek" lol Ok, so I'm not Greek at all, but just for today, I pretended I was. Being that it's festival season here in Houston, I went to the -you guessed it! Greek Festival today. I think the beautiful weather brought out every single person in the city! It was super crowded and crazy fun! I met a group of friends and we spent the entire day walking and exploring and eating gyros and drinking wine, lots and lots of wine! Good times! I also got to spend time with a friend who came in from D.C. for the weekend. It was great to see him and catch up!
Driving home (after sobering up of course! lol)tonight, I thought about all of the people who have come into my life and how some stay for a short time, some stay for long periods of time and some just keep popping in and out my life. All have taught me some sort of lesson or given me insight into myself. All have helped me grow. Even the ones that have hurt me.

To all of them I raise a glass, because if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I'm only getting better!

Life is good!

And Again...

Long to hear your voice
Yearn to hold you close
You make my heart smile.

Cheesy? Of course it is! But it's the kind of mood I'm in tonight, or this morning. I can't help it. I've got love on my mind...

Mr. Telephone Man

What is it about ourselves that sometimes makes it so difficult to confront a situation? To just say no, or yes, whatever the case may be? In chatting with one of my girlfriend's tonight, she told me about a guy that she met and how she gave him her phone number. But she has no interest in him whatsover. So why did she give him her number? And now he's calling and she's ignoring his calls. -See? That's what I mean. Like her, I've been guilty of doing the same thing, randomly giving someone my number, only to have him call me and then I don't pick up. When the soluation would be so much simpler. -Just answer and tell him that you're not interested, or to stop calling. Or better yet, don't give out your number if you don't want him to call! But we don't do that. And if alcohol is involved, forget it! Instead, we ignore the poor guy and hope he tires soon! Maybe it's because we don't want to come across as being mean, or maybe because we don't want to upset them. Or maybe it's because we don't like confrontation. Whatever the case, it creates unwanted stress. "Oh no, he's calling again!", "Ugh! I wish he would get the message!" -and on and on. Who needs the aggravation? In keeping in tune with my self-discovery and road to a beter version of myself, I decided that I would from now on, force myself to confront whatever situation that needed confronting. No matter what. Making yourself look at something and dealing with it, is better than ignoring it, hoping it will go away. I've been doing that far too many years now, and it's time for a change. Which is why, I'm writing this. It gives my decision validation. Only to me perhaps, but really, that's all that matters. No one said this road would be easy, I've taken a few punches but keep coming back, like Rocky.

I hope my friend, if she is reading this, will get some courage and bite the bullet and tell him to stop calling her. -In a nice way of course! :)

Progress

It's only Tuesday and I'm already looking forward to the weekend! I love those 2 days off! Work is, well, it's work. I'm grateful. But I still wish I was born an heiress or some long, lost relative would leave me an inheritance! lol I've been neglecting my writing lately. I keep telling myself that that novel isn't going to write itself. Remember when I said I don't like confrontation? Well, I don't. So more times than not, I will let my frenemy, Avoidance come to visit. Sometimes Avoidance's stay is a short one. Sometimes, she makes herself at home and stays for days! And that's what I've been doing lately, avoiding. My writing, my issues, dealing with them. All this "finding myself" and "creating a better version of myself" has suddenly found me drained. I'm tired. But it just reaffirms what I have said before, "No one likes to face the truth in the mirror." Each time I make progress, something inside of me begs me to step back. Almost as if I'm afraid of letting myself grow, or succeed. Why is that? I can envision what I want to happen, and what I need to do to make it happen, but when push comes to shove, I back off. Definitely, I'm afraid of something. Is it failure? Or is it actually succeeding? I have not a clue. All I know is that I have come a long way since August 1st. That's the day I decided life could not go on the same way for me. And I made changes. I'm proud of what I have achieved so far, I'm nowhere near finished, and have more probing into myself to go, but I know I will make it. Despite of or in spite of my frenemy Avoidance's visit. You see? I did it already, by writing this tonight, I have faced her and told her she's not welcome here anymore.

I think I'll go wipe my mirror clean.

Light

Sometimes, a lot of times, it gets so hard to follow the path that I've recently mapped out for myself. It would be easy for me to fall back into the same "old ways" and continue going in circles. But it's those times that I feel I'm being tested, to see how much I can take, to see if I can endure and persevere. I am not a failure. I just need to convince my inner self of that. In discussing my progress and my relapses with my friend Carla the other day, she said something that really hit a nerve. We were discussing a particular situation in my life that I believe I can't get past or won't let go because I have not had closure. She pondered a bit on this and then told me that "Sometimes, we have to create our own closure."

"Create our own closure" -it made perfect sense! I've been waiting around, hoping for "one more conversation" for "one more time" but for what? It wouldn't matter. It's up to me to close the door. It's up to me to keep going. It's up to me to succeed. We have to do whatever it takes to meet our objective. That's what I need to do. Enough of this procrastinating into oblivion.

Sometimes, the simplest of conversations, are the most wise.

Thanks C!

Forty-something

Today I turned 44 years old. OMG, just writing that down pains me!!! That's a lot of years!!!! lol The weird thing is, I look in the mirror I don't see "44 years old", I just see me. Saturday afternoon, my besties and I took in the second to last Astros game of the season. We eventually met a group of guys that were there celebrating their friend's birthday. When they found out mine was a mere hours away, one of the guys asked me how old I was going to be. Not one to have a problem revealing such information, I told him. He almost fell over! "No way! You're lying! Let me see your ID!" I told him I wasn't lying and put my license in his face to prove it. "You look so much younger! I thought you were at least 28 or 29!" ----I could have kissed him right then and there! lol And then today, at the casino, I met a young girl, also from Houston, she was all of 22 years old. She asked me if I was old enough to drink!!! Seriously!!! (I made a mental note to return to Louisiana as often as possible for ego boosting!) When I told her how old I was, I thought I was going to have to help her lift her jaw off the ground. haha The guy from last night asked me what my secret was. I responded by telling him that I had no secret. I just had parents with great genes!!! lol

All kidding aside, true or not, maybe it was the birthday gods playing a trick on me, or maybe I was somehow being secretly taped for an upcoming "Punked" episode (provided that that show still aired! lol) whatever the case, my self-esteem was lifted in ways mere words cannot describe.

I'm 44 and holding.

A Good Day

It's been a very long time since I've had a "good day". I had almost forgotten what they felt like -almost. My mom and and I set out to celebrate our birthday today by taking a road trip. She had been hinting around that she wanted to go gambling to nearby Lousiana, so I abided her wish and off we went! The weather was absolutely beautiful! Not a cloud in the sky, the temperature was a breezy 75 degrees and the sun shone brightly! This is the first time my mom and I take off on our own on this date. The norm has always been a big family gathering and cake and candles and all that good stuff. The "norm" was made to be changed! :)

I'm very fortunate in that I still have my mother with me. I simply enjoyed my time with her, and made her laugh and enjoyed watching her relax. That was great birthday gift to me!

We both fared very well in the winnings! My mom actually won quite a bit! Yay!!! lol Unfortunately, I didn't win "big money" so I have to go to work tomorrow, but no money in the world can equate the big smile in my heart.

A good day.

October

I love this month! I always have. In fact, back when I used to think I was actually going to get married one day, I always said I would get married in October! What? It could still happen! ;)

The weather gets cooler, the leaves start changing colors, the myriad of bazaars and festivals abound, Halloween and oh yeah, it's my birthday month! See? Win-win!