midnight ramblings

a little after the bewitching hour and i'm still awake.
wide.awake.
tomorrow morning is going to suck.

who else is up at this hour in blog land?

just me?  figures.

thanks for the words of encouragement and emails i received in response to my last post.  i appreciate all of you very much.  i'm doing better.  much better.  not great. just better.  i have good days and bad days.  today was a good day.  that's how i'm living my life these days.  one at a time.

it's rodeo time here in houston.  for those not in the know, the rodeo comes to town once a year.  for two and half weeks, our fair city reverts back to cowboy boots, huge belt buckles, horses, parades and plenty of bar-b-q -because every old western movie had a good bbq meal in it.  --yes i'm being sarcastic.  actually, this time of the year is a fun time.  if you're into the whole country western, ho-down scene.  surprisingly (again with the sarcasm) i am not.  i don't like country music.  i don't do rodeo stuff, unless you count staring at the hot cowboys in their tight wranglers, well then i'm all over that.  but eh, not a fan of the rodeo.  all of my friends are though.  i have some hardcore ladies and gents who live for this time of year.  seriously.  some volunteer to work the carnival, the livestock show, the concerts, -whatever it is, as long as they are a part of it somehow.  i can't wait until it's over.  the traffic is annoying.  more than usual.

i started working on a new short story.  i'm excited about it.  that's a very good thing.  i haven't been excited about much of anything lately.  so this makes me happy.  i've also thrown myself back into the gym.  i'm getting results, slowly, but i'm getting results.  another happy!

recently i parted ways with someone that in a very short time span, became a very good friend.  however, for reasons i still don't understand, we've parted ways.  that disappointed me and added to my sadness. but i accept it.  life is like a revolving door.  people come in and out of your life constantly.  i believe she served her purpose in my life and has moved on to continue her journey.  -eh, it works for me, to think this way.

i'm super excited about my relationship with my guy friend.  you know the one, we were best friends for many years and then had a falling out in mid 2010?  remember?  then we made up this past december,  after not speaking for two years.  remember now? yeah, him.  well, it's been a long road, but we're slowly mending our relationship and rebuilding that bridge of trust.  i love him to pieces and i know he loves me back just the same. this time around, we are more careful and more in tune with each others emotions and feelings.  it's a beautiful thing, really.  a beautiful thing.

oh here's something that's been bugging me.  what is it with friends who want to set you up the second after you break up with someone???  i mean, thanks for the gesture but can i dry my tears first???  i just don't get it.  and then, when you politely tell them that, "no i'm not interested, right now"  they get all upset!  why???

random thoughts on friday eve.  well now it's officially friday, so never mind.

yeah i know, i'm babbling.  i guess sleep has come a callin for me.

do me a favor, do something fun this weekend! then come back and tell me all about it!

be  good.

it's over

breaking up with someone is a lot like death.  you mourn the loss.  you grieve for what used to be.  you cry.  a lot.  a whole lot.  the end of any relationship is devastating for sure.  the silver linings are there.  but we're so caught up in our grief that we don't see them.  but in time, we do.

time.  it's been said that time heals all wounds.  i've always liked that saying, because it rings true to me.  time does heal you, make you stronger and sometimes wiser.  so i'm counting on time, to do the same for me.  but what about the immense sadness that envelops you?  the tears eventually stop, but the sadness clings to your soul.

so the relationship i vaguely mentioned to you, with the man i met in december, ended on friday.  no need to go into petty details, just know that it was the best decision, for me.  and that's all that matters.  however, my heart, seems to think otherwise.  i haven't cried this much in years.  i feel lost and confused and so sad.  so very sad.   our time together was brief, but so much happened in so little time.

still, i would not change anything that transpired these past few months.  nothing. not one thing.  this relationship brought me a lot of happies, and experiences and love.  love came to me finally.  no it didn't last. and no, he wasn't the one.  but he was the one that showed me that i was capable of loving and being loved.  and for that, i am grateful.

don't get me wrong, i'm also pissed and hurt and have plotted bouts of revenge in my head, but that's normal.  isn't it? a friend of mine, told me over the weekend, as i was crying my eyes out, that i should get back at him.  but i won't.  it's done.  no need to look back or dwell on situations that have no solution.  and? i would only hurt myself in the process anyway.  no, instead, i'm going to get a doll that resembles him and stick needles in his eyes whenever i feel the urge to cause him bodily harm.  better don't you think?  that way no jail time, duh.

silver linings everywhere...

it's sunday kids, make it a great week.

circle of life-revisited

i feel the words in my head, trying to come together, to make sense, so that you will understand how I'm feeling. but i can't seem to get them out.  my heart is heavy tonight.  i'm very sad and feel uneasy.  yesterday, a dear, beautiful and very talented musical artist, lost her battle with breast cancer.  her name was norma zenteno.  she came from a musical family dynasty and was a staple in the local music community here in houston.  her music was somewhere between latin fusion, jazz, blues and everything in between.  she sang in english and in spanish.  her voice was edgy, sultry and fierce.  but what made her so loved, was her presence, her personality, that aura that she emitted.  and she had the most beautiful smile.  how could you not love her?  my family and i saw her perform many, many, many times  throughout the years and each time she saw you, she'd smile and give you a hug, as if you were a friend or family.  she never met a stranger.  i caught her last performance almost three weeks ago, at a local establishment.  i almost didn't go that night, but a friend persuaded me and now, i'm so happy that i went.  her death was unexpected.  she'd only very recently started her first round of chemo.  her death was a result of complications from the treatment.  "gone too soon, much too soon" was what one of her band members was quoted as saying.  indeed, much too soon. 

death seems to be ever so close lately.  in the past two months, i've been to more funerals than i have ever been to in my life.  friends, friends' family...  it's permeating in the air.  and i'm tired of it.  i'm tired of cancer killing so many people. i'm tired of praying and praying for miracles that never happen. i'm tired of feeling tired.

i try to keep the faith, i try to stay on course, but times like these, just make it that much more difficult to do.  and then i feel guilty for feeling this way. maybe it' my "catholic complex" ---you know, feeling guilty for everything. 

oh i don't know.  i'm kind of just babbling right now anyway.  i'm just so incredibly sad.  so many bad things are happening in the world.  so much unrest.  so much uncertainty.  i think that the mere thought of dying and doing so without having accomplished what i want to accomplish in my life, is giving me anxiety attacks.  seriously.  i've had two this past week alone.  too much on the mind. too much worry.  too much.

while seemingly, things are fine in my life, if you probe below the surface, you'll see all the chaos that lies within.  all the stuff i'm trying to work on, to fix, to amend, to accomplish.  it's like, i'm tearing back layer upon layer of  skin, just so i can get to the root of the problem and deal with it. or them.  -eh, you know what i mean.

i apologize for my debbie downer melt-down but this is how i'm feeling and this is my blog, so it's what i'm writing tonight.  

love and light bloggies, love and light.

i'm sure you're jamming in heaven right now.  rip norma z.

twitterpatted

"if loving you is wrong, i don't wanna be right" ---that's a title to a song, a very old song that has been re-done many times throughout the years.  it's also the one line from the song that keeps reverberating in my ears.  over and over.  in my last post, i sort of mentioned that there was someone new in my life, of the male kind.  well,  i'm completely crazy about him.  seriously. it may not turn into anything at all and this moment, may be all i get.  but you know what? even if nothing more comes from this, i wouldn't change a thing.  everything happens for a reason, at least, that's how i live my life.  with that mindset.  if i fall or fail or get burned in the process, so be it.  it will only make me stronger and prepare me for the "right" person.   however, if don't fall, or fail or get burned, then this, this moment right now, is all i ever wanted.

love makes people me act loopy and corny and very sappy.  i apologize in advance.

when you kiss me
the way you do
and look at me 
with those green, beautiful eyes
my heart melts

can you feel my heart beating?
so hard
so fast
i fear it will escape through my chest

i don't know about tomorrow
all i know is what we have today
and for now, that's all that matters

i told you love makes you crazy!  thanks for indulging my temporary bout of the "happies"  i'll try and tone it down for you next time.

peace.

this was my weekend -how was yours?

"what's on your mind?"
"too much" i replied.
"what's on yours?" i asked.
"you" was his response.

and that's how it started, on a cold and wintry day, in december.  and here we are in february.  i can't say it hasn't been fun.  it's been that and more, so much more.  what will happen? how will it end? or will it?  i don't know.  not a clue.  but i'm excited to find out.  whichever way it goes.  such has been my life for the past couple of months.  when i said in an earlier post, that i was doing things out of my norm, i wasn't kidding.  i've done things and put myself in situations that i've never dreamed i would ever be in.  but hey, life is short right? right.  at least, that's how i justify my actions.  the story continues.

stay tuned.

in other news, lent started last week.  for all you non-catholics, lenten season marks the beginning of the lenten journey towards easter sunday.  it's commemorates the period of forty days that jesus spent in the dessert, facing temptation.  so as a catholic, i'm going to practice my faith and give up things that i really, really love from ash wednesday (which was last week) until easter sunday.  last year, i gave up cokes.  i know it sounds trite to most of you,  but you don't understand.  for me to stop drinking coke is a HUGE sacrifice for me.  i am a coca-cola addict. seriously.  i'm thinking of starting a support group.  i did it for the first time last year and made it all the way through  i can't tell you how proud of myself i was!  so to up the ante, so to speak, this year i'm also giving up chocolate.  gasp! yes, it's true.  i'm also a chocoholic.  all i have to say is, my friends better watch out, that inner bitch that has been asleep in me all this time, is about to wake the hell up.  run!

moving on.

this weekend was all-star weekend here in houston.  basketball players, celebrities, the media, the paparazzi, the fans, all kinds of people were in my fair city!  to say that the traffic has been horrendous, is an understatement. it's been downright ugly.  last night the police had to be called to shut down the galleria mall.  why? because the crowds had exceeded the legal capacity.  can you believe that?  people were scrambling to get there in hopes of spotting a "celebrity"  ---really.  whatever floats your boat, i guess.  it's been fun though, people watching.  i did a lot of that these past few days.  and the weather has been phenomenal.  too bad i just watched the news, and meteorologist said rain and cold weather are making a comeback this week.  -only we have schizophrenic weather!

oh yeah, i almost forgot.  i won a contest.  my friend over at http://rawknrobyn.blogspot.com/
held an anti-valentine's day contest for the best poem.  we had to complete the following sentence:  "dear cupid, will you..." in fifty words or less.  here was my entry:

Dear Cupid,

Enough already.  I get it.  I'm un-cupid-able.  Now go away.  Die a thousand deaths.  But please leave some chocolate for me.  Help a sista out. 

Love, 
-me.

Alright, so never mind that I totally didn't follow instructions (Dear Cupid, will you..."), and never mind that it was a lame attempt at poetry, but did you get the part where i won???  exactly.  that's all that matters.  ok, so it was a three way tie.  first time ever, i heard.  (um, this is the first time she held this contest)  forget all that.  what matters is that i wrote the poem and i won.  yay.  i never win anything.  :)

alright boys and girls, this muchacha is tired.  and unlike some of you in the united states, i have to work tomorrow.  thanks for dropping by, come back for more.  you know you want to...

happy monday all!

To My Valentine...

You are somewhere in this world
lost and lonely.

I don't know who you are yet
I can't see your face
But I know your heart
and it belongs to me
Just as mine,
belongs to you

You yearn for a woman to help
bring out the best in you,
to laugh with you,
cry with you,
grow with you

You search and search
through dates, relationships and insignificant encounters

Time is not important
Who can  put time restraints on matters of the heart?

And so I wait,
hopeful
for you,
my love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cupid has yet to get it right for me.  So in honor of all things love, I have brought back an oldie but a goody that I wrote last year, in hopes that this year, the cherub with the arrow, finds his target.  This was inspired by my unending hope that somewhere out there, someone waits for me.  I'm a hopeless romantic, I can admit it.    Wishing all of you a day filled with all that you love!

love you. always.

words escape me
but the images are embedded in my mind
my heart aches

i saw an old friend tonight.  almost 23 years ago, i met the the love of my life.  my soul mate.  unfortunately, for me anyway, our love never flourished.  we were the best of friends and remained so, until the day he got married.  oh we still remained friends, just not in the same capacity as before.  i respected his wife and his marriage.  life happened and we went our separate ways.  it's been years since this happened.  i hardly see him/them anymore.  in fact, i had not seen him/them in almost three years.  but i saw them tonight.  him, his wife and his two year old daughter.  we were as friendly as ever to each other.  i held the little one for a bit, caught up on what was going on with one anothers' lives.  and then said our goodbyes.  i don't know why this time, this time seeing them, seeing him, tugged at my heartstrings extra hard.  i drove away, made it to the light at the end of the street and proceeded to cry, all the way home.  it's not that i still have feelings for him, i don't. at least, not romantically.  i closed that chapter in my life a long, long, time ago.  i think it was more melancholy, yearning or mourning for what was or what used to be.  we were very good friends and a part of me, will always miss that.  i don't know that i will ever feel the same way about anyone else ever again.  i hope to, but i just don't know.

i wasn't even going to write about this.  but i couldn't stop thinking about it and so, here we are.

if you're still reading, thank you.  i'm not always so morose, come back soon, i'll show you.