Counting Sheep

What is it with people and insomnia? I'm including myself in this bunch by the way! I just logged off of Facebook and it's a little after 1:00 a.m. here, yet I noticed that there were several people still online! And by reading their statuses, 90 % of them are awake because they can't sleep. My state of bewilderment is with the fact that so many of us are still awake. Now grant it, I know that some people work late hours or shift work, and others don't have to be up early. But what about those of us that do have to be up early? Are we all suffering from insomnia? And if we are? Why??? Is life so chaotic that it's affecting our time to rest? Our sleep? I know that whenever I am stressed or worried or after a late night out, I can't fall right to sleep. So I come here, to my local hangout. It's always open and someone always knows your name! But seriously, what's up with us insomniacs?

I've tried all the remedies, the warm milk, the soothing ambience in the bedroom, the soft music, the hitting my head on against the wall. (not really, just went for dramatics!) It's just crazy!

Sleep, wherefore art thou sleep?

Soledad

Llegas a mi vida como un viejo amigo
Conciente de todo lo que soy
De todo lo que siento
Mis anhelos...
Me calma tu presencia
Pero no debo dejarme llevar por la costumbre
Si te dejo
me ahogaras en tristeza
Soledad
amiga mia,
Sueltame de tus riendas
Dejame encontrar mi vida
Dejame encontrar la felicidad.
_________________________________________________________
You arrive in my life like an old friend
Conscientious of everything that I am
Of everything that I feel
My yearnings…

Your presence calms me
But I can't let you stay, if I do, you will drown me in sadness
Solitude, friend of mine,
Let go of your hold on me
Let me find my life
Let me find my happiness.

For Rebecca

My heart is heavy tonight. A dear friend of mine, 8 months pregnant, lost her baby over the weekend. She took a bad fall down some stairs and by the time she arrived to the hospital, it was too late, the baby was gone. How could this have happened? When I found out she had fallen, I worried but I never thought she would lose the baby. Eight months!!! I was in total shock when I learned the truth. How do you console someone that is going through that? There are no words that can ease her pain. Oh I can drum up the cliches, "Everything happens for a reason", "You're still very young, you can try again, later.", "You will get through this." But all of that just seems so empty.

Rebecca is a beautiful, young and vibrant woman. She's in her early twenties and this was her first baby. I had just spoken to her last week, we talked about the baby and I told her how I couldn't wait til Nicole was born! (That was going to be her name) and I made plans to visit her soon. I cannot even imagine the pain and the sorrow she and her husband must be going through. To lose someone you love is difficult enough, but when it's your child, your infant that you carried in your tummy, oh my gosh! What a horrible, horrible thing!

I've been thinking a lot about how she is going to grieve. How her life will forever be changed by this tragedy. I only hope that she finds solace and peace, soon.

The Truth WILL Set You Free

No matter how much you try, you just can't run away from yourself. It's not possible, trust me, I've been running for years! Lately though, in my continuing effort to become a better version of myself, I've stopped running. Because really, all I've been doing all these years is running in circles, expecting different outcomes, but experiencing the exact same ones each time. Well, I don't want to keep running in circles anymore, and I want different outcomes. So, no more running away. I'm here to stay!

I've been saying ad nauseum in my blog that we hate to see ourselves in the mirror, we don't like facing our truths and baring our soul. And it's true! No one likes to do that. Reality checks are just not fun! But in order to persevere and succeed, they must be conducted.

I must say that although at times painful and difficult, facing truths and dealing with our issues is a great way to cleanse our life. A great way to know what we're truly made of and how strong we really are.

And that my fellow bloggers, is truly awesome!

Working on a reformation plan as we speak (er, type).

Stay tuned.

Football, Trashtalk, And an Upset!

So I'm not a football fan by any means! I don't understand the game and at this point in my life, I don't care to! But there are rare occassions when the opposing team is someone that for various reasons, I cannot stand, so I jump on the bandwagon! Such was the case today. I'm from Houston and there's a little football team in Dallas, you may have heard of them? The Cowgirls??? Yes, them. Well, The Texans and the Cowgirls are arch rivals. So, it's a given that whenever these two teams meet,all hell breaks loose and it's all or nothing!

All week leading up to today's game, there has been all kinds of trash talking going back and forth between Houston and Dallas fans, the mayors of the respective cities, the media and anyone who has an opinion apparently! A few of my friends placed unethical bets, crazy bets and right about now, they are bowing their heads in shame!. Yes, Houston not only lost, but they were pretty much anihilated!

The Three Musketeers (aka, me and the girls) started out at a neighborhood sportsbar to watch the BIG game. During halftime, however, we decided to change venues and try out a fairly new restaurant. We'd heard great things about it so we mosied there. -We were hoping that somehow, the change of scenery would emit a win for our guys! -Well you see how successful that was! Upon entering our second stop, we couldn't decide if we were at a funeral or a library! I mean, the bar area was pretty full and the restaurant was busy. But the atmosphere! Oh my god! It was so quiet and calm (compared to where we had just come from). I mean, I know people were upset because we were losing at the half but come on! Upon settling onto our barstools (which for me, is quite a feat! I'm only 4'11 so climbing onto anything takes a lot of strategy and moves you've probably never seen before! -But I digress...) I asked the bartender if there was a noise ordinance in this place! She laughed at me and just gave me a look that said, "I was wondering the same thing!" -Really, she was thinking that! Quickly, the Musketeers and I attempted to change the mood. We tried starting the wave! That was a FAIL! But it kind of broke the ice and at least, got people to come out of their shell or wherever they had been hiding! -Our good deed for the day! :)

So it was there that we watched as the Cowgirls beat on the Texans. And it was also there where we endured heckling from the most annoying, obnoxious, irritating, Dallas fan EVER! I was the "fortunate" one that got to sit beside him (Swoon!!!) and each time he spoke I swear I wanted to grab my straw and poke him in the eye! I can handle losing and heckling even, but this guy was just way beyond an "excited fan"! Fortunately, he left right after it was over. We actually cheered when he did so!

To mourn the loss, we drowned our sorrows at our last stop, "House of Pies" It's a small, mom and pop eatery famous for it's pies. Not too bad, and it was cheap! Plus after drinking most of the day, this was what was needed! -OF COURSE it was! -At least, that's our story and we're sticking to it!

I still don't like football.

The Bewitching Hour

So it's midnight! What are you up to tonight? Share with me!
I passed on going out tonight so I could be productive and finish unpacking boxes from my move -What? I know I moved in August! Mere technicalities!
So that's what I did tonight, open boxes, unpack, and put things in some semblance of order. Kind of like what I'm doing with my life.

It was Nietzche that said, "Out of chaos comes order" -or something along those lines. My quote is not verbatim. And he was right. The "chaos" has wrought it's havoc on my life, and now it's time for order. -Cleaning house as it were. Change.

And I did all of this without an ounce of alcohol! Oh the travesty!!! :)

Cautiously excited about what is to come.

"I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends"

I realized tonight how lucky I am to have the friends that I have in my life. I realized that although my emotional state is not so stable right now, the one thing that is stable (aside from my family) are my friends. I am blessed and very fortunate to know a lot of people, I have many acquaintances, but I can count my friends with one hand. They are exclusive, and they mean the world to me. I especially love that they don't sugar-coat anything and they tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. Sure, they can be brutal sometimes, but hey, that's what they're there for right? Absolutely!

My life would not be the same without my freinds, and for that, I am grateful.

"The Story of Me and You"

PREFACE: I wrote this in June of 2009. This is my first attempt at writing in male voice. I have published this before, but I have made minor changes and am anxious to hear what you have to say, if anything!
Have a read and let me know what you think!
Thanks!
____________

It all started with an email. She sent it to me sometime in late December. I had no idea who she was. I only opened it and read it because I thought her last name was different, pretty. It was only after I read it that I realized that yeah, I kinda knew her –by default. You see, a buddy of mine who was a lawyer, had a small practice downtown and I had been trying for months to “hook up” with his receptionist. Nada. Zero. I got nothing from her. She blew me off.  Ever so politely, but blew me off nonetheless. As a way to “soften” said blow off, she offered her friend Bianca, as a sort of peace offering. She told me her friend was a paralegal and was also a writer and thought maybe I should call her up to chat. And as an addendum, “She’s really cute! You’ll love her!” (I dabbled in writing, hence the “writing” connection) Ha! I don’t “call up” anyone. So I vaguely remember agreeing to let her give her friend my email address and left it at that.

Fast-forward to a few months later and right before Christmas, there it was, an email from this woman who unbeknown to me at the time, would ultimately become a very important part of my life. The email was short and sweet and very “proper”. Hell, there was not one misspelled word or improper use of the English language at all! For a lover of grammar like myself, this was nirvana! I was impressed!! I read the email and instead of discarding it, put it away for another day. I would reply, just not at that moment. At that moment I had a date and much to do to prepare.

Such was my life back then. I was 31, single, living in a swanky high-rise apartment with a killer view of the city. I stood about 5’11, kept myself in shape, stocky but not fat, dark features, facial hair, was easy on the eyes, cocky, and worked hard but played harder. I drove a car that suited me well. It was fast, expensive and oh so much fun! It was my toy, my baby. Oh yeah, I was also an asshole, but could at any given moment, turn into a teddy bear. Those times occurring sparingly of course.  But I digress…

The new year began with a bang, a continuation of the previous year. I owned a mortgage company. I started it when I was fresh out of college. A young buck in a zoo filled with piranhas and double-crossing snakes. Ahh, yes, I fit in well! It took me a few years but I built the company up from scratch and went from working out of my one bedroom apartment to moving shop mid-town, into a large office building with a full staff to boot! Not bad for a then 24 year old punk like myself. I did alright. Self proclaimed badass and all.

Sigh, so January turned into February. One morning, while clearing out old emails I came across HER email. Bianca's. Yeah, the woman that had emailed me months before. That was her name, Bianca Tornero. Hmm, I read it again and this time instead of discarding it, I replied. I apologized for not writing back sooner, work and time escaped me, blah, blah, blah, and I extended my hand in friendship to her. Hit “send” and off it went into cyber land. She replied a few days later. And that’s how it began. It wasn’t long before we were chatting back and forth on a daily basis. And not just once a day, it was continuous throughout the course of the day. I found myself looking forward to reading her emails. Answering her questions, asking my own. The beginning was easy, her questions posed to me were “What do you do for a living?” Where did you go to school?”, mundane stuff like that. But then one day, she asked me, “So who are you? Who is Alex Cordova?” I thought a lot before responding. I wasn’t used to answering such an in depth question about myself. Especially to someone whom I’d never even met. Our friendly banter was different for me. I was not sure why I had not made a move to meet her. Not even her phone number.  What the hell was wrong with me? I mean, we did have phones after all! But I dunno, I kind of enjoyed the mystery. I wondered what her voice sounded like all the time. We exchanged photos at the very beginning of our email “relationship”.  Being the total guy that I was, I wanted to know if she was hot, worth getting to know. I know, I know, typical asshole!   Hey, at least I was living up to the reputation.  I sent her various pictures of me in rather precarious positions. She told me I was “cute” –haha, that’s what she said. Her pictures? Hmm, though she was not someone I would typically be attracted to or dare I say it, “hot”, she was cute. What beautiful eyes she had. That’s what I thought when I saw her picture. Totally borrowing the big, bad wolf’s line I know. She was adorable. And so, our exchanges continued.

Somewhere after our third month of “email exchanges” she threw all caution to the wind and simply asked in an email, “Are you ever going to ask for my number?” To which I coyly replied, “Why don’t you just give it to me and find out?” Yeah I know, lame but it worked. She sent me her phone number and the ball was now in my court. The thing is I really enjoyed our psuedo relationship that we had developed these last few months. Truly, it was really cool. It was separate from my real life. I mean, I hadn’t told anyone that I was emailing a woman I had never met before. Are you kidding me? The guys would never let me live it down!! They’d laugh in my face! I kind of liked keeping that apart from that which was my life. She had become my escape. I told her about my bad days, my good days. My dates, my relationships, or lack thereof. She did the same. We were becoming friends. Maybe even confidantes. And I liked it.

I called her the night she gave me her number. We talked for hours.  Learned more about her. She was eleven years older than me, (the Mrs. Robinson reference was made throughout the course of that conversation), she was a paralegal but also aspired to become a writer, she didn’t beat around the bush and I liked that. She was direct, and didn’t play those silly mind games. Honest to a fault! And she laughed. A lot.  Sometimes at me, most of the time at me, and sometimes at herself.

We chatted about everything and anything. It was as if we just continued our emails. Well not totally, I mean, I could tell she was nervous in the beginning and she giggled a lot. She said I sounded just as she had imagined. I told her I thought she had a very, very hot voice! Which she really did! I told her and she told me I was full of shit.  See? She “got” me. –But her voice really was hot!

Life went on and I even dated here and there –we both did actually. Just not each other. It was funny because as soon as the date was over we’d call each other for a play-by-play recap and analyze the date to death or laugh about it. I did start semi dating someone for “awhile” (anything more than a month falls under this category) Lisa and I began dating off and on for a about three months. During this time, I still maintained my "relationship" with Bianca. I’d call her on the sly. Or text her. Or meet her on the cam at odd hours of the night or wee early mornings. Heh. I mean, we were friends right? What harm was being done? Lisa didn’t last and so I was soon on the prowl again.

Nine months after my “cyber/phone” relationship with Bianca began, we met. It was a Thursday night. Which to me meant it was the beginning of my weekend. I always treated Thursday nights as a precursor to Friday.  So it was no surprise that I was feeling pretty good when I called her up. I knew she was out with friends and was probably almost, if not more, drunk than me. “Hello?” she yelled into her phone. I could hear music blaring and laugher and just, noise. “Hold on Alex! I can’t hear you!” I waited till I heard her voice again. This time the background was quiet. “Still there?” she asked.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Waiting for you to come and meet me!” she replied.

I could almost see the smile on her face when she said it. We teased about meeting each other all the time. It was almost like we were daring one another to do it. Knowing neither of us ever would. Not really sure why not…

“I dunno, don’t want to disappoint you…” I said in the most “woe is me” voice I could muster up.

“Oh please!” was her sarcastic response.

And then, “Come on! Let’s meet!” she persisted. Her infectious giggles followed.

“Alright, alright, worse things have happened. About time I put you out of your misery anyway!” I said smugly.

“Oh whatever! You’re the one that is suffering!” was her comeback.

She told me to meet her at her place. She said she was already going home and I should just meet her there.

And just like that, we agreed to meet that night.  Now remember, I had never met her in person. I didn’t know what she looked like, well, only in pictures, and the good ol' web cam.  Nerves were suddenly taking hold of me.  And I was not used to it.  I finished up my drink and told my buddies I was done and left.

She lived in a quiet neighborhood. Lots of apartment complexes lined the streets. Very quaint. I parked my car and proceeded to walk into the complex. She lived on the second floor.

Now, let me just say that by this time I was nervous as hell! This woman had been a daily part of my life for almost a year and I was finally going to meet her in person. Kind of took the buzz I was enjoying away!

I knocked on the door, took a deep breath, and waited.

The door opened and there she stood.

The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. She had a lot of hair! It was brownish with tinges of red. Very curly and sort of disheveled. The second thing I noticed about her was her eyes. They were beautiful almond shaped, big, brown, with long eyelashes to shield them.

“Hi! “ She stood behind the door half open and just had the biggest smile on her face. She was still wearing her night attire. It consisted of nice fitting jeans, very revealing (but in a good way) blouse and really high heels.

“Are you going to hug me or what?” she asked smiling.

I hugged her. She held on to me for what seemed like forever. She smelled really good. I remember that to this day.

I walked into her place. It was very much her. Comfortable. Lots of books. strewn about. Gave a warm and fuzzy feeling as you walked in.

“So good to finally meet you!” she gushed.

I smiled at her. “You’re short!” I towered over her at 6’0. She was barely 4’11.

She hit my arm, “Yeah whatever, dork!”

I made myself at home while she went and changed into pjs. Ha, no nothing lacy or naughty. She came back in these loose white pants and a black short tee shirt. Her heels were gone and she was barefoot. We sat down on the couch. She sat close to me. Thisclose. She was very animated with her hands and she touched me the whole time as she spoke.

“I’m nervous. Are you?” Hey eyes looked up at me and then shyly and quickly looked away.

“Not anymore. Hard part’s over.”

My answer seemed to relax her. She offered me something to drink, I settled for a beer. She poured herself a glass of wine and returned to me, er, the couch. Music was coming through the speakers on the wall. Soft, jazzy sounds of Sting played for our entertainment.

“So, I’m still nervous” she said almost in a whisper.

‘So, I’m still drunk” I responded.

Then she asked me if I would give her a hug.

I put my beer down and wrapped my arms around her. We stayed like that for a long time. Just holding each other on the couch.

Yeah I know, what was I waiting for and why had I not used my “sure fire”, “no miss” moves on her? I don’t know. Fuck! I don’t know!

We sat in silence for a few more minutes, her head resting on my shoulder and her hand entwined with mine.

“Alex, I really want to kiss you.”

Wait. What? See, it’s not like we hadn’t talked about it before. How it would be when we finally met. Hell, there was enough sexual tension in our telephone and email conversations alone! Not to mention our web cam interludes! Now here she was, real, in my face…

I gently caressed her face with my hand, which she kissed.. I nuzzled her neck gently, working my way to her mouth.

It was sweet.

We continued to kiss like that for what seemed like hours. Getting to know each other’s mouths, our hands caressing, soft moans…

Our making out continued into the wee hours of the morning. In between “catching our breath” breaks we’d talk softly, about everything, about nothing. Neither of us showing the remote interest in saying goodbye. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.

The following morning I awoke to the smell of coffee and a sweet voice,

“Wake up sleepy head!” It was Bianca.

I slowly opened my eyes and tried to remember where the hell I was. Ahh yes, Bianca’s apartment.

“We fell asleep...” It was more of a question than a statement.

She laughed and said, “Yeah, some hard core party animals we are!”

I sat up on the sofa and took the cup of coffee she handed to me.  "Thank you."

She looked like she had been up for awhile. She was dressed in work attire and hurrying about.

“I’ll get out of here so you can do your thing!” I said as I savored the hot, brewed cup of coffee.

“No don’t hurry on my account. Stay as long as you want. I’ve got to get to the office but you can stay. Just lock the door on your way out.”

"Are you always so trusting of perfect strangers?"  he asked smirking.

"Only the cute ones." she shot back smiling.

She came and joined  me on the couch. I still had morning voice and felt like crap. Being hung over and scared mindless will do that to you.

She laughed and kissed my cheek, “You’re adorable in the morning!”

“You must still be drunk!” I shot back at her.

“Ha! Smart ass!” she replied.

I rubbed my eyes tight, trying to make them focus and to give me time to think of what to say. For the first time in my life I had nothing to say. Or rather, I did, but I felt nervous and dammit, dare I say it? Happy. There, I said it. Alex Cordova had just spent the night with a woman and nothing happened, well apart from the kisses, and he was happy. Giddy almost. Huh, imagine that!

“What are you grinning about?”

I looked at her and said, “Thinking what a pair we are, falling asleep like that!”

She laughed. “Uh, and for the record you snore!”

“Me? Never!”

I stood up and got ready to leave.

“You can stay I told you…”

“Thanks I know, but I better get home, check on the office…”

We walked hand in hand to the front door. She locked it. and we walked down the stairs.

“I’m so glad we finally met!” she gushed.

“Me too. So, have a good day! Call you later…”

We kissed quickly, rather abruptly and that was partly my fault. I just had the sudden urge to get the hell away from there.

Here’s the thing, I know she liked me. I know that she was attracted to me. She confessed her attraction to me one night in an email. We were fighting actually. I said something that offended her and she shot back at me and in the end, I apologized and she professed her “crush” to me. She made it too easy for me. I knew that I could call her at any minute of the day or night and she would literally drop whatever she was doing for me. I’m not being cocky either, ok, maybe a little bit. But it was true. The girl was crazy about me and I took advantage of that. Of course I see that now, but back then, back then I didn’t have a clue.

That was the first and last time I saw her. Almost a year ago. I never called her again. She emailed me a few times, asking what was wrong, asking why I was being such a jerk. I never responded. I still have the messages my secretary gave me. I kept them to remind myself what an ass I was. What can I say? I lived up to my name: Asshole Alex.

Now you might be thinking, “Hell he’s a nut job!” or maybe even, “She should keep running and fast!” Yeah, I agree. The thing is I don’t know why I ran. I liked her. I was attracted to her and found her to be so sweet and loving with a sense of humor almost as crazy as mine. Why then, would I just run away from that??? Sigh, I don’t know.

I never told anyone. And I avoided my buddy’s law firm like the plague. His receptionist would no doubt shoot me upon sight! I was running out of excuses not to go there.

Life continued. My business boomed. I met a woman, we started dating and fell in love. I allowed myself to let her into my solitary world, my inner circle as it were. Things were great. Or I willed them to be. But in the back of my mind I thought of Bianca. I wondered how she was, if she was happy, if she ever forgave me…

My reasoning for my behavior towards her, was that I would only have hurt her in the long run, so I softened the blow, so to speak. Yeah, yeah I now, lame and crappy and a real jerk. But that is how I handled the guilt. I still was not sure what the hell made me run.  The fact that she “might” make me happy? The fact that I could fall for her? Whatever. It’s done. I was with Melissa now.

I continued with my life and the uphill and downhill battles that confronted me. I put Bianca to rest. Never imagining that I would ever see her again. But alas, a good friend of mine called Karma, made sure that the total opposite would occur.

I walked into my office one day to find a fed ex box laying on my desk.

“Priscilla what’s this?” I yelled at my secretary.

I picked it up, it was addressed to me, marked personal and confidential.

I opened it. It was a book. A brand spanking new book at that! One of those hard-backs. “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless” –that was the title of the book. Who would send me a book? I was about to throw it aside when I glanced at the author’s name –Bianca Tornero. My heart began to race.

I fell into my chair, still holding the book. There was no note. Nothing. Heh, not even an autograph.  Just the book. Being the cocky, arrogant bastard that I am, I quickly opened it and went to the dedicatory portion of the book. Wow, amazingly, no mention of me! Just the title, “To He Who Shall Remain Nameless”. I read the entire book that afternoon. I ignored phone calls, canceled meetings and holed myself up in my office until the very last word was read. And when I was finished, I felt like the biggest loser in the universe. While the book was fiction, the premise of the story and the main character –the villain, as it were, was me. Of course she didn’t call me out. She was too classy for that. So she used her words to speak to me, to cut to the very core of my existence, of my soul, to let me know how much I hurt her.

“Don’t hang up it’s me, Alex.”

Sometime in the middle of the night I called her. I still had her phone number. When she answered, and I heard her voice, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I realized that there was no response to my plea.

“Bianca? Hello? Are you still there?”

“What do you want Alex?”
She sounded sleepy. I guess she would at 3:00 in the morning.

Yeah I know, I was an ass for calling her so late. But I needed liquid courage before I called her.  And the hours only made me stronger.

“I uh, I got the book. Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!"

“This is why you woke me up?”

“I need to see you. I need to explain…”

”There is nothing to explain. I don’t want to see you. Ever. Let this be the last time you contact me Alex. I sent you the book because I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to know…” her voice broke.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I never meant to hurt you…”

“Good bye Alex.”

“Wait, Bianca I …”

The line went dead.

Dammit! My numerous attempts to contact her were futile. She never answered again.

That night was the last time I ever heard from her.

So my life, well Melissa and I split up shortly after the Bianca fiasco. I realized that I didn’t love her. Not the way she wanted me to and certainly not the way she deserved.

A little too late I realized I was in love with Bianca.

I’ve read articles and books about women trying to figure out men and how in the end, when all is said and done, they can’t. No one can. Who knows why I acted the way I did with Bianca. Why I ran from something that might have turned into something beautiful. Who knows!?

Certainly not me.
.

Using My Singledom For Good

I was thinking tonight (ha! that's right, be worried!) that being single has given me opportunities that I might otherwise not have, if I were married with children or in a relationship. I admit, being single has it's advantages. What are they? Well, here are a few,

1. I don't have to share the newspaper with anyone

2. I can come and go as I please, taking no one into consideration but myself.

3. I don't have to wait a long time to be seated in a crowded restaurant. Although, "Table for one!" always makes me cringe upon hearing it over a loudspeaker!

Seriously though, I was speaking to a co-worker of mine today, we were discussing life and how blessed she is to have so much abundance and then she pointed out that because she was married and had 4 kids and one on the way, she and her husband didn't have time anymore to donate their time to organziations that were dear to their hearts. "Now we just write a check!" she said, laughing sarcastically. "Sorry, I just think writing a check is the easy way out. We don't get the same satisfaction as when we used to actually volunteer." It's understandable, what with kids and a husband, and responsibilities, it would be a miracle to see those two out and about socially! I'm not criticizing her at all, in fact, I commend her, FOUR kids AND one on the way? Ugh! Shoot me now! lol Her words prompted me to think about how I had been neglecting giving back lately. I didn't have her excuses. I am not married, no children, not even a pet! There was nothing keeping me from giving back, but me. It kind of made me feel selfish in a way. For every complaint that I may have about my dating life or my non-existent love life, or my neurotic problems, there are about a million other plights in this world that take precedent over mine. I used to volunteer all the time! I used to donate my time to charities and/or events that needed able bodies. It always made me feel good afterwards. Always. Sigh, I've been neglecting that part of my life. I've been so immersed in my problematic world, that I completely shut everything else out. I know what some of you may be thinking, "How can you help someone else when you can't even help yourself right now?" I'm all over that! You see, helping someone, especially if it involves children, makes me happy. Gives me a sense of satisfaction. I give to them and they give back to me. See? It's a win-win! So after having a long talk with myself this evening, I decided that I need to return to the whole "give back to the community" shpeel. It will help me on my road to a "better version of myself". I know this. And I'm not saying that my problems are not important, it's just that to me, by doing something for someone else in need, I take a little of the "sads" away.

So fellow bloggers, I choose to use my Singledom for good.

Men +Women+Dating=Migraine Medicine

Here's what's bothering the hell out of me tonight. Men, why would you tell a woman that you have met, to call you or that you will call her, and "let's get together!" if you have NO intention of ever calling or seeing the woman again? Why? Or, as in my case, he gives me his number, tells me to call him, makes plans for us to "get together" and then when I do call, he doesn't pick up. AT ALL. I don't get it. I think that's just rude. And it's not the first time that he does this to me either. A few months ago we made plans to meet for drinks, the designated date and time came and when I called to confirm, he didn't answer. You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time right? Riiiight! What can I say? I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, not anymore. This was the LAST time. I'm done.

UGH! Men are so difficult to understand!!! It's not like I want to marry you or have your love child or anything like that! Heck I'm still trying to figure out if I even like you! Shame on me though. I thought we were adults -my mistake.

Not to worry, this little misstep won't deter me from enduring more dating adventures in my future.

Men, get ready! :)

This and That...

My post last night was very somber and dark. It prompted calls and texts from friends and family who read my blog and were concerned. Sorry if I scared you, but you know that writing is how I express myself best. :) At any rate, thank you for the concern and the advice and the support! I truly am a lucky girl!

So what's on my mind tonight? Same stuff as last night but not as extreme. And I've got the tears under control, so that's a good thing!

I saw a picture of someone that I care about very much tonight. I saw it by accident! Damn Facebook! We have a mutual friend, he popped up on her page, and the minute I saw his picture, my heart skipped a beat. And so now, he's on my mind. Normally, that would not be such a bad thing, but in my case, it's not a good thing. See, I'm trying to get over him. Something that is proving to be a daunting task at best! So hard to do...

Does that ever happen to you? Not necessarily trying to get over "someone" but trying to get over something, a situation?
What do you do about it?

No matter how much I try and try really hard, it's a constant battle with myself. It's almost like training my mind not to let him or memories about him come into my head. Some days are easier than others but then, life throws a curve ball at you and poof! There is that person/thing/situation again, in your face. At least, it was just a picture. I have not a clue how I would react if he were in front of me. -Oh who am I kidding!!!? I know exactly how I would react!

I miss you, you jerk!

Depression and Me

Being sad occassionally, is normal. Crying is normal. But being and and crying all the time, is not normal. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed back in 1998. At the time, I was so bad that I stopped working, I stopped driving, I refused to leave my house unless I was accompanied by my sister. I clung to her for dear life. I used to be afraid to be alone, so I would make her stay with me and follow her around like a little puppy. This lasted about six months. Finally, at the desperation of my mother, I sought medical help. I found a therapist who I felt comfortable with and she quickly put me on anti-depressants and anxiety medication. Life got a little better after that. I worked very hard at finding my way back. And I did, find my way back again. But the thing with depression that many people do not know or refuse to accept, is that you can't just get "cured". It's not something like when you get a headache and you take a pill or two and then it disappears. -I wish it could be that simple! I can see the look of exasperation on my family and my friends' faces when I am struggling with an "episode". (That's what I call them: Episodes) I can almost hear them saying, "Just get over it already!" Again, I wish it was that simple. I'm very good at masking my emotions and pretending all is well, sometimes, I'm so good, I even convince myself. And honestly, I've not had an episode in years! That is, until last month. I've been going through a lot of changes in my life, some major, some trivial, and there have been a lot of collosal family issues and emotions to deal with. I guess all of those problems finally caught up with me. I haven't felt this sad or this out of control in a very long time.

Sigh, this is an exhausting and frightening disease. It's chronic and if not treated, it can debilitate you or worse. Because I know the drill and the repercussions if I don't follow the drill, I called my therapist and made an appointment to see her. My visits with her are once every six months or so. Since I had been doing so well, I have not seen her in over a year! Oh I still take my meds, and work-out and for the most part, am fine. Its just that the past month and a half have been not so great for me -as I said earlier. I'm getting on my own nerves, I can only imagine how much havoc I'm reaping on my family and my friends. Which is why it's time for action.

What's weird is, I'm smiling on the outside but on the inside, I'm crying uncontrollably.

Definitely not the way I wanted to start off my week! But I needed to write this if for no other reason, than for me to to acknowdege my situation and get ready to fight "the battle" again. I see this as part of the process of healing and changing my life.

Sadness engulfs me.
Casts it's shadow over me.
I fight daily to free myself of it's grasp!
Sometimes, I'm lucky and am able to escape
yet other times, I am helpless, defeated, and I give in to it's hold on me.

This isn't a pity party, it's just my truth.

Me, Myself and I

My mantra for the upcoming week is "Worry about yourself, and no one else" Not to sound selfish or self-absorbed, but it seems that I get so caught up in other people's problems, lives, that I lose sight of my own life and my goals and my objectives. Sometimes, we have to be a little selfish with ourselves. I try to be a good person, a good daughter, sister, friend, etc. But sometimes I am not. It's normal, I'm only human. I make mistakes. The thing is, I set out to change certain aspects of my life recently, and for the most part I'm doing just that, but lately, I noticed that I have no time for "me". I am too busy listening to everyone else's problems, dillemmas and/or love angsts. I'm too busy helping everyone else. And I just can't do that anymore. If I let it, it can suck me in and then I'm lost in that abyss that is so difficult to get out of. So I am re-grouping, taking control of myself again and not allowing "distractions" to veer me off the road of change and self-improvement that I need to reach. I'm not saying I'm not going to be there for anyone should they need me, of course I will, what I'm saying is that it will be limited access only. I tend to give until there is nothing left of me, for me. Well, that's stops now. Part of the healing process for me, is to acknowledge (no matter how difficult) truths that I don't want to acknowledge much less accept. As I have said in earlier posts, no one likes to stare in the mirror at themselves, when the truth is staring right back at you.

Great! Now I have Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror" playing in my head!

"B-I-N-G-O"

In reading the Sunday paper this morning, I came across an article about Bingo. You know, the game that has been labeled, "The Senior-citizen Recreation" -It's true, I read that in the New York Times last year! Anyway, so the article mentioned how recently, the "older" patrons of "The Heights Hall" in Denton, Texas have been invaded (so to speak) by a cluster of younger and hipper patrons. It seems that college kids and thirty-something singles, have taken an interest in playing Bingo on Friday nights. Something that is just unheard of! It started with just a few kids now and again but soon they were coming in big groups, ready to mingle and play the game! Could it be that the masses have grown tired of the bar scene and are merely scoping out new venues? lol Or could it be that they are genuinely interested in playing the board game with a bunch of elderly people?

My take? I think the $500.00 prize money has something to do with it! I mean, that would entice me enough to visit at least once.

"G-44"
"Bingo!"

Ramblings of An Exhausted Person

Today was a productive day! I went to a jazz festival for a few hours. Tons of fun and great music! I returned home and worked on my novel, I organized my bedroom (finally), I spent time with my mom and my nieces and then in the evening I met up with the girls for dinner and a movie. All in all, a fab day and night!

So now, it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm wide awake! lol I had some wine earlier and it relaxed me and took me to a good place, but as usual, sleep escapes me, even when I'm exhausted, like right now. Which can't be a good thing. Because this is when I start thinking about my life, my past, my present, my future. This is when all bets are off and your conscience demands explanations and revelations. Things can get pretty ugly, really fast! Which is why, I'm defying the "questions" the "reality check(s)" and turning off this computer! Too tired to put forth an effort to write a worthy post. Boo on me, I know.

So I take a bow, and walk off the stage, but don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow!

Temporary Indulgence

I miss you. I know that I shouldn't. But I do. A lot. Sigh...
Missing someone you care about is normal. Everyone keeps telling me that. And I suppose it is -normal. I just want to know how much longer until I don't miss you anymore?

How much longer?

Enough. Moving on...

Dolce Vita!

I have two girlfriends who are like sisters to me. Michelle and Maricela. You may as well call us the Three Musketeers. Wherever one goes, the other two are sure to follow! One of the musketeers is turning 40 on Monday. And she doesn't want anyone to make a big deal about it. So we're honoring her wishes -except for this mention on my blog! lol Which I know she reads! Trust me Michi, turning 40 is "all gravy, baby!" Age is but a number, but life is what YOU make it. Remember our mantra" "Life is short, so just live it!"

How about you? Do you live life or does life live you?

I can't remember how long ago but trust me, it was a long time ago! I watched a movie that spoke to me in ways that no one else ever had. It starred Robin Williams and a very young Ethan Hawke. Dead Poets Society.
I loved that movie! It made me want to do things, and to try even if I was afraid to! It's one of the reasons why I keep writing. Writing is my passion. And although it seems at times I will never, ever sell my novel, I know in my heart, that I will. Now, I don't know if it wll be Oprah Winfrey worthy (keep fingers crossed please) but it will be worthy for sure! And that's the gist of this post for tonight.

Do you live life? Or does life live you?

Often times we get caught up in the hurry ups and don't be lates of our lives. We totally forget about the here and now. About what is important and what is not. Lately, I have been "making" myself stop and notice the "forgotten". You know, the sunset, the full moon, the thunderstorms, the rainbows. All of that is out there for us and its free! lol

I don't mean to get all Pollyanna on you, it's just that, in reflecting on my life lately, and the upcoming milestone birthday of Michelle, aka "Coca-cola" (She'll kill me but, whatever! I nicknamed her Coca-Cola (CC for short)because she's got this body shaped like a coca cola bottle!)
I felt the urge to write about "sucking the marrow out of life".

No one wants regrets.

So, that's my PSA for the weekend. Go out and LIVE and LAUGH! ---I know I will!

Fridays Make Me Happy

I love Fridays, what's not to love? It's the beginning of the weekend, the chaos of the week is coming to a close and for the next two days at least, you don't have to think about the office. Unless of course, you work on the weekends. Which if you do, that sucks. But I can relate, as I have to work some weekends as well!

What bodes for each of you this weekend?

Whatever it may be, make it count and enjoy it!

Ciao!

Dear Sleep...

I was wrong, you were right.
Please take me back.

Love,
me.

Words of a Child

This is a short, short, short story. Something that may turn into something more or not. At any rate, enjoy!

I hate when my parents fight! Usually it's after they've both had one too many! It never fails, each time we have a get together at our house, big or small, the night always ends in my parents getting into a huge fight. Sometimes they are so loud and out of control that the neighbors call the police. I hate it so much! Alone in my room, I turn up the stereo to drown out their yelling. I turn on the tv and turn up the sound as loud as it will go -To drown out their voices. And I sit in the middle of my bed, cross-legged, eyes closed and dreaming of anywhere but here. Suddenly I feel someone's hand on my face. I open my eyes and it's my mom. "What are you doing? What's wrong with you?" And then my fater appears, "Turn this noise off! You crazy or somethin?" Both of them are visibly intoxicated. My mom's look of concern makes me want to throw up! She gives me a kiss on the cheek and I can smell the vodka on her breath.

"Sydney, is everything alright? You're acting crazy!"

"Really mom? You think something is wrong with me? I'm crazy??? You and dad are the ones yelling like idiots and throwing stuff but you think something is wrong with ME???"

"Did you just call us idiots??" my dad asks, more in yell kind of way. Because obviously that's more important than how I am feeling right? Of course it is!

I ignore him and tell both of them to get out of my room and to shut the door, please and thank you!

They glare at me for a minute but in the end, they do as I say. Instantly, I'm back in my escape. I get up to lock the door. Turn the tv back on, but this time mute the sound, turn the music back on, but not as loud as before, and I resume my position on the bed. I start drifting to another time, a calmer time, when we were actually happy in this house. For a 13 year old like me, going through this same scenario on a regular basis sucks ass! But at least this time there was no violence.

Inspiration

Lately it seems I've been lacking inspiration. For what, you ask? Well lets see, inspiration to write, I've been neglecting my short stories, my book that has yet to find an ending, -myself. I've not felt inspired to be myself lately. Last month was all about putting things in order, in perspective. More importantly, it was about letting go of the toxic, of fairy tales conjured up by yours truly, of obstacles that were preventing me to become a better version of myself. Sigh, that was a lot of work and very draining for me. But I did it. I bared my soul, looked within myself and saw a glimmer of hope for me. But now I suddenly find myself losing focus, lacking desire. I don't pretend to beleive that change will occur over night, I know I have a long road ahead. I guess this is all part of the process. Plus I have been working crazy, long hours since mid August and dealing with family issues at home -including my own! No wonder Inspiration doesn't want to come visit! :)

But oddly enough, it finally decided to come out of hiding. And it came in the form of a beautiful, most awesome sunset. I was driving home tonight and as I sat there in traffic hell, I saw the sun as it was setting, the kind of setting sun that whisks you away to a gorgeous beach, or on a cruise ship, standing beside your lover, marveling at mother nature's art work. The sky was a pastel blue, with shades of purples and pinks, and the sun was a big orange, vibrant ball, getting smaller and smaller with every passing moment. It took my breath away. I got so caught up in the sunset that I didn't even notice that traffic was moving again, until this idiot behind me blares his horn at me. So there you have it, the sun inspired me tonight.

The saga to a better version of myself continues, stay tuned!

What inspires you at times? Motivates you? Share with me.

Wordless

Sometimes my mind is racing with all kinds of stuff. And other times, miraculously, it is silent. -Like tonight. Oh don't get me wrong, the "stuff" is stil there, but sometimes it give me a reprieve, and remains silent. That could be a good and bad thing.

Good -I get to veg in front of the tv or on the couch with a book; I transport myself to a serene and worry-free place.

The Bad - My writersblock goes into full effect. And I am left empty. So sometimes, the "mind racing" is the better choice.

Take this futile attempt to write something witty and enticing -FAIL!
I'm just tired, mentally, emotionally and physically.

So forgive my less than stellar post, but come back again, I will redeem myself! I promise! :)

Sundays

Sundays always make me sad. I don't know why really. Maybe because it's the end of the weekend or it's the end of the weekend! lol Whatever the case, I am not a fan of Sunday. Well, I do love going to church -except today because I was a total slacker and didn't go! And I'm not into football(tragic i know!) so I'm virtually friendless and family-less because of all the football games going on! I heard the Texans won! That's a good thing I guess! lol Or my dislike of Sundays could also be because it makes me think about the upcoming week and stuff I need to do and prepare, etc. I will be so happy after tomorrow is over! Why you ask? Well, I work for a law firm that part of its practice is dedicated to bad faith insurance claims. I work the Hurricane Ike project specifically. Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of the storm. The statute also runs tomorrow. So, I will be slammed from the minute I walk into the office. Just thinking about all the lawsuits I will be filing tomorrow is giving me a headache! I will no doubt be there until midnight at least! But at least I know that after tomorrow, things should slow down a bit and I will be able to play catch up with the rest of my work that has been neglected lately. -At least that's my plan!

Now if I could only sleep!

Rememberance

I hate this date, Septemeber 11th. Yet I still make a point to take a few minutes or more to remember that horrific day and all of those lives that were lost, every year since then. The day America was taken hostage. I still know exactly where I was, what I was doing and what I did immediately afterward. I also remember being glued to the tv, watching over and over again, how the towers collapsed. Grim. Tragic.

I love this country that I live in. I don't agree with government at times and the economy is in the toilet, but I love this country! And I would never want to live anywhere else.

God Bless America.

The Fall Guy

So tonight I want to talk about something that happened to me earlier today. Ready, set, go? Good. You've heard of (I'm sure) the "Rebound" guy, the "Fall Guy" right? He's the one that is attracted to you, gives you attention, feeds your ego -sound familiar? I thought so. Well, we all have at least one of those in our lives -don't lie, you know it's true! Even me. Take tonight for example, I came home exhausted from working another 14 hour day. All I wanted was someone to hold me and comfort me. All at once the pangs of longing for "HIM" (the guy who shall remain nameless)filled my soul and I wanted desperately for those pangs to go away. So what do I do? I decide to call my "Fall" guy. Gustabo. (not his real name -obvious) Gustabo is someone I met months ago. He is very much interested in me but I don't feel the same way. HOWEVER, in times of need or despair or sheer madness, I call on him. We go out. He dotes on me, makes me the center of his universe and thoroughly tries to woo me. But he can't. I'm just not interested in him in "that" way. Yet, somehow all of that disappears the minute I need diversion. It's a very self-serving situation indeed! Thankfully, reason decided to return to my head before I did anything stupid, like call Gustabo. I had already picked up my cell, fingers ready to dial! What a selfish, uncaring witch I was being! How dare I use someone like that! Especially since I knew how he felt about me. Because for all the colorful ways I can phrase this, it was crystal clear, I had been using someone and perhaps even hurting his feelings. I had been leading him on in a sense. And that is just not cool at all. Sigh, I felt really bad after that. And I guess this post is my atonement. I get that we all have needs and wants and desires, and we get a case of the lonelies from time to time, but that's no excuse to use someone. I know, because I have been used in the past, much worse than Gustabo even. And it's a very painful situation to be in. Wow, amazing how clarity beats you down! So I didn't call him after all. Instead I took a hard look at myself and decided that I needed to re-evaluate my decisions of late. It's wrong to go out with someone when you know full well, that that person is not your type or not someone that you want to "date". I'm not saying don't date at all. I mean, how will we ever know if we're compatible if we don't go out? I'm saying, if you meet someone and you know immediately that there is no way in hell that you would ever date him/her then why bother going out with him/her anyway? What is the point? And then there are the emotion factors. Gustabo for example, when I met him, I could tell he was interested, I could tell he wanted to see me again. But I knew, I knew ten minutes into our conversation that he wasn't someone I would ever date. And instead of walking away, I knowingly did quite the opposite. In the end, I hurt him. He's never said as much, but I know I did. And that's just not right, especially after someone had done the very same thing to me.

So boys and girls, if someone professes their love to you or their infatuation to you or whatever the case may be, and you just don't feel the same way, run! Don't look back. That part is non-negotiable. You never know when the same thing may happen to you.

Lesson learned.

Curly Hair and Humidity!

I was blessed or cursed (both are interchangeable at any given time) with A LOT of thick and curly hair! Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see Shirley Temple, it's enough to make me want to break out in song, "I'm a good ship lollipop" Serious! Of course, once I step outside, into what I affectionately call HELL, my curls disappear and are replaced by a big mane of mop! My hair frizzes and gets bigger by the minute! lol So "Big Hair" is the coif of choice most days! :) The humidity kills any chance of a good hair day! But I live in Houston and lets face it, we have only have one season here -HOT!

Summer time in H-town -envy me.

Just Another Day...

Sometime after midnight, will mark three months since I last saw you. Three.

Feels like an eternity.

Do you ever think about me? Just little? The way I think about you? No, of course not. Why would you? I'm not delusional enough to think that that might even be a remote possibility. I just like to wonder sometimes.

If my therapist knew I was doing this -thinking about you, she'd go ballistic on me! lol I'm ok. I just decided to give in to "you" for minute or two.

Really, it's just another day of no important significance.

One day, I hope to mean that.

Sex talk, Girls and Alcohol

Sex is overrated! That's what a lot of my girlfriends tell me when we are having one of our infamous discussions about what else? Men. Usually accompanied with alcohol. Oh who am I kidding? ALWAYS accompanied with alcohol! So this time was no different, surrounded by our "friends", Patron, Cristal, Grey (Goose that is), and a never-ending supply of wine, my girls and I sat around my dinning room table one Saturday night. We contemplated life and relationships. A couple of friends in the group are married, one is in a relationship and another is engaged and then there is me, the single one. So talk turns to sex. Contrary to popular belief, women I find, more so than men, tend to be a bit more private and reserved when it comes to this topic -especially if they are married or in a relationship. I on the other hand, become Chatty Cathy! Where was I? Oh right, sex. I ask if after being married, does the sexual energy die a slow death or increase the urge. "Magda" (not her real name of course) responds and says that in her case the sex has never been better! She talks of having to fake the "headache" at times because her hubby's appetite is never satisfied. Then there is "Thelma" whose 5 year relationship with her boyfriend has had more drama lately than a spanish telenovela! "I have to "ask" for it most of the time!" she says as she downs a shot of Patron. All movement and noise cease to exist upon hearing her say that. "What do you mean you have to ask for it???" We all looked at each other in disbelief. "It's true, he doesn't want it all the time or hardly ever it seems..." Which begged the question, "Do you think he's cheating on you?" "I don't know..." was her response. Well needless to say, that little bit of exchange put a damper on our conversation. But filled with the "show must go on" mindset, I quickly decide to focus the attention on me. "I haven't had sex in almost a year." Again, silence, looks of disbelief and questions. "Why the hell not?" and "Whatever! You're lying!" Now why would they think I was lying? Did my friends secretly think I was some sort of sex addict? lol Actualy, that might be a good thing! At least then my fictitious alter ego would be getting "a lil sumpthin-sumpthin"! So the rest of the evening was spent discussing why I purposely have been living the life of the celibate kind and when was this "nonesense" going to end??? The thing is I'm not "purposely" living anything! I just haven't met anyone that I care enough for to want to do the "horizontal mambo" with.(Who thinks of these names? Seriously!) I decided a almost a year ago, that empty sex, no matter how good it is, was just that, empty. And I'm tired of the empties. I want more than that. Why is that so difficult to understand?
"What's empty sex?" my girl friend asks me. This time it's just me, her and a Cabernet."Empty sex is when you have sex just to have it. You know, those "visits" in the wee hours of the early morning or late night? Sex with no strings." There, that should be clear enough.
"Don't you miss it?"
"Miss what? The emptiness I'm left to deal with afterward? No not at all!"
Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of nocturnal visits in my day but even that, after a while, can become cumbersome. I want more.
So, after two separate get-togethers with my "girlies" none of us are any wiser about men, or relationships, or men. ha!

Oh screw it! (pun intended naturally!) I'll drink to that!

Lullaby

Sitting in the dark
night has fallen
All is quiet
except the orchestra performing outside
The rain is falling hard
as if the skies are angry
I can hear the wind -the accompaniment
Fierce
And yet, the storm soothes me
beckons me to sleep.
___________________________________
I love thunderstorms. Something about them always makes me want to get a book, a glass of wine and a blanket. I sometimes think that our weather is slightly schizo or OCD. I mean, we don't just get a "little rain" oh no, we get a deluge! It can't be a "little" hot, it's gotta be unbearably so! -Houston, I love this city, but it's got issues! :)

Dating: Younger vs. Older -You Decide!

It was recently brought to my attention that I have been dating nothing but "younger" men lately. It was more of a chastise than a comment. I was a little taken aback by my friend's remark. "So what?" was my response. Because really, it irritated me just a little bit. She went on to tell me that dating younger men was just a way for me to avoid commitment. Seriously? Because we all know that younger men are not "commitment" material? Whatever. I had never heard of something so ridiculous! (ok, yes I have but for the sake of this blog, I haven't) Her comment stayed with me for a few days. I did a self-inventory of my dating life to date. In the end, I counted 4 younger men in the past couple of YEARS that I had either dated for a little while or went out with a few times. Meh. I wholeheartedly disagree with her. Sure, I get the "Mrs. Robinson" reference a lot, or the "Cougar" label, but I don't really care about that. I actually find it funny and sometimes I'm kind of smug about it. I don't intentionally go out looking for younger men. They just happen to be the ones that I have been connecting with lately. I mean, I don't discard a man my own age or older either--I'm an equal opportunity dater.  The youngest man I have ever dated was twelve years younger than me. Twelve. It's funny how society either embraces you for dating the "older woman" or "younger man" or they totally anihilate you. In my case, I go out with whomever I please. If there is a mutual attraction, great! If not, we both have a good time and make the most of the date and then go our separate ways. Dating is difficult enough, why make it more so? And what a one-sided comment about dating younger men as a way to avoid commitment! Apparently, according to my lovely friend, she seems to think that because I'm over forty, clearly it is my commitment phobia that is keeping me single.  No my friend, I don't have commitment issues. In fact, I am a "commitment all the way" kind of girl.  It's just that, again, I haven't found someone that I want to commit to.  At least, not yet.

Makes Me Wonder...

Old business: Thanks to everyone who commented and/or emailed me about my little melt-down yesterday. I feel much better today and had a positive session with the therapist. Crying allowed me to detox the bad and prepare myself for the "good". Change is coming and better days are on the horizon for me.

New business: Someone very special to me, once told me that creative folk like myself, are often times the most depressed creatures on the planet! lol No really, he said that. I asked him if he had something to back up his "theory" but he said, "No, but look at Ernest Hemingway - a drunk, William Shakespeare -a neurotic romantic, John Belushi -a heroine addict, Andy Gibb (Andy Gibb??? lol) -drug addict." I was impressed at how easily he rattled off all of those people! But I wonder how much truth there is to his statement. Maybe it's because our creativity drives us to look beyond the surface, to think outside the box as it were. I do think that it is a plausible notion, don't you? I mean, I'm slightly neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, moody at times and always thinking crazy stuff!

Hmm, something to ponder on this Tuesday evening.

Something's Gotta Give

A fellow blogger mentioned this in her last post: "Something's Gotta Give", and unbeknown to her, that little sentence spoke volumes to me tonight. Today was a crapy, f-up'd day! Emotionally, I'm drained, spent, all cried out. My Labor Day was filled with tears and anger and then guilt, remorse and exhaustion. There wasn't "one" thing that triggered it. It was more of a combination of things, situations that have recently transpired, and realizations of certain individuals in my life. --Who knew a temper tantrum (see Meltdown) could take so much out of me!!!!?
As some of you know, (if you've been following my blog), I have been going through some pretty heavy stuff emotionally and have begun to change certain aspects of my life and my way of thinking. This being done in hopes that the newer, more improved version of myself will finally, render me happy. Well, as some of you also know, sometimes being "happy" and "positive" and "on track" -Mary Sunshine if you will, is downright impossible! Such was the case today. It just seems that the harder I try to make changes, to move forward, it seems it's just not enough, none of it matters, things just get worse and worse. Yes I know, I'm being Debbie Downer in a major way! I know that, but indulge me for a minute and let me have my "boohoo" moment. Thanks in advance!
Sigh, I'm just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying and tired of hitting brick walls. I feel like I'm losing control and falling into the "darkness" again and I don't want that. It's a horrible place to be in!

Tomorrow I will wake-up in a better mood. Even if I have to force it on myself! I know that there are people in this world who have it so much worse than me. I know that. But like I said, we can't be happy all of the time. And sometimes, having a "Woe is me" moment, and crying our eyes out, is just what we need in order to move forward. And rest assured, I will move forward.

So thanks for letting me vent and get this off my chest. I feel better already --and even if I really don't, I will.

Friday Night Happy

We were at the Miller Outdoor Theater tonight, which is exactly that! It's in Hermann Park, on a hill, and at the bottom of the hill, there is a stage for dance performances or concerts or plays or movies. Tonight was Family Night at the Movies. The featured movie was Avatar. Show time was as soon as it got dark. I'd never seen the movie before, I know, I know, I'm probably the only one on this planet that never saw it!!!! So, armed with a blanket, some french bread, cheese and pecans (What? Ok, ok, strange combination I know, but someone else took the wine! And I just happened to see the pecans on my way out so I bought them!) I made my way up the hill and searched for my friends. Finding them, I quickly spread the blanket on the ground, unveiled the cheese and the bread, asked for some wine and sat down, ready to enjoy the movie. There was a small group: Karina, Jeannette, Marvi, Diana, Inmar and David. All comfy on lawn chairs and/or blankets, with munchies and adult beverages in hand! There was even a cool (yes cool!) breeze in the air! Something unheard of in Houston! We're still in Summer and HOT is our only temperature!!! There I go again, "digressing"!!!! lol Apologies.

Ok so amidst the many conversations taking place prior to the movie, this one made my heart smile. "If you close your eyes, you become invisible and no one else can see you!" so said my friend Jeanette. Well, I'm paraphrasing because I can't recall verbatem. Eh, just go with it! She went on to explain that she had told her niece the same thing and her eyes opened wide in disbelief and excitement! "She says it to me now all the time!" said tia Jeanette proudly. Life through a child's eyes makes everything just seem so simple and happy doesn't it?

Oh yeah, the movie was great! I really enjoyed it and didn't even mind that it rained on us a little bit. It was a soft misty rain -nothing that couldn't be tolerated. I mean, SOME people (who shall remain nameless) even managed to sleep -snore and all!!!! :)

Good times on a Friday night. Thanks for coming along!

1:00 a.m.

My birthday is exactly one month away. Well, as of yesterday, because as I glance at the clock, I notice it's 1:00 a.m. so technically, its already September 4th. My actual birthday is October 3rd. I will be (drumroll please!) 44 years young! lol Age is but a number. A good friend of mine told me that I "wear" my age well. A round about compliment I guess, but I'll take it! ;) My mom will be turning 65, she and I share the same birthday! Lucky her! :) But I digress...

So, time for review, reflection (which I have been doing a lot this past month)of "Yvonne's life". Sigh, final verdict? Well, I have A LOT of work to do. So many things still left undone and/or half-done. But I have a game-plan and I've already put it into play. So things are changing and taking their course, some of it won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

Stay tuned, change is coming!

Amor Mio

Quiero ser tu alegria, tu dolor, tu amencer y tu nochecer
Quiero darte mi amor a cada momento
Llevarte a ese rincon de el cielo que solo nosotros conocemos

Toma mi mano
no tengas miedo

Todo lo que esperabamos y mas
Solo a ti
Solo a ti
pertenece mi corazon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Love

I want to be your joy, your pain, your morning and your night
I want to give my love to you at every moment
Take you to that corner of heaven, that only you and I know about

Take my hand
don't be scared

Everything that we expected and more

Only to you
Only to you
does my heart belong to
________________________________

Alright, so the meaning sometimes gets lost in translation and that's a pity really. I enjoy writing in spanish. I think it is a very romantic and sexy language. I was/am feeling nostalgic, sappy, and was inspired to write. This is the finished product.