to love someone

to love someone

the mere thought of you
makes me smile all over
until today
now my heart just aches

i close my eyes and see your face
the sound of your voice, your laughter
rings in my ear and plays out in my mind
over and over

when we are together i never want to leave
and when we are apart
i feel a part of me is missing

i love you in the most honest
and innocent way possible
i always will

when you think of me
as i know you will
i hope your heart smiles too
eventually

love hurts

the fact of the matter is
i fell in love
the cruel reality?
he's not for me

letting go of someone
is hard
no doubt

letting someone go
because loving them
causes more pain
than not loving them,
is painful in a way
that is indescribable

and mere words
are not enough
to make you understand

tears flowing
my insides feel
ripped open
i  can't breathe
my heart hurts

November -Where did the time go?

Sunday evening, a beautiful sunset is taking place and I'm doing what I love -writing.  I've been away for a while, not for any particular reason other than I have had no interest whatsoever in writing.  At all.  Which is sad really, because I love to write.  This blog is my escape and my sanity in troubled times, in happy times and in times in between all of that.  But for reasons that escape me, I suddenly woke up and did not feel like forming a sentence or plotting a story or anything.  I just didn't want to feel any type of emotion.  Weird isn't?  I know, I know.  I think what triggered it were changes in my life, not all of them good.  Well, truth be told, none of them good.  And then there was the horrible car accident I had in September.  That's when I totally lost it.  Literally.  I became depressed and I was in pain from my injuries, my work suffered and I saw myself falling into that black hole I've spoken about many times before, in this blog.  The ugly "monster" aka depression, was peering it's ugly head at me again and this time, I almost succumbed to it.  Almost.  I didn't let it win, I refused to be taken down that hole again, I scratched and clawed my way out.  But let me tell you, it was hard.  Harder than the last time even.  Many times, I just gave up.  I felt my spirit dying.  But then, deep inside of me I saw a flicker of light, of hope.   It reminded me that this was not the way I wanted to go, that this "monster" was not bigger than me and that I would beat it again.  And I did.  It's been a long and exhausting two months for sure.  But I'm getting better every day.  I'm much stronger than I was and feel confident that I'm going to be just fine.  Depression is a bitch, no lie.  But with the help of my family and my friends and my faith, I am coming around again.  My skeptic acquaintances that know about my current struggle, question the validity of my "condition" -as they put it.  "But you're out all the time"  or "But you're smiling  and laughing all the time, how can you be depressed?"  It's true, I'm not denying that.  Just as there are functioning alcoholics, there are also functioning depressed people in this world.  A lot of them.  So don't be so quick to judge and make assumptions because you have no idea what I go through every day, just to get out of bed and try and be "normal" for the masses and myself.  I've had episodes in the past where I would not leave my house for months or refused to be anywhere alone for fear I would die and no one would find me.  Those  were the most difficult times for me, but I got through them.  This time, I 'm much older and I'm not sure if age plays a factor in this or not, but this time it was 100 times worse for me to pull through.  But I am, pulling  through every day.  I finally feel like myself again.  And my craving for writing has returned.  Which to me, is pure happiness.  It really is.  I've missed reading and commenting on everyone's blogs also.

Well that's it in a nutshell, in case you were wondering about me.  But enough of that.

Moving on.

I turned 48 in October. heh.  I know, I can't believe it.  I'm almost 50 and it's driving me insane -literally. heh.  It's all good though, I still don't feel "48" and that's all that matters.  Halloween came and went and though I didn't dress up this year (first time in almost ten years), I did manage to go to at least one party and take part in scaring kids as they came up to ask for candy.  And now, Thanksgiving is a couple of weeks away and wow, just like that the year is about over.  Incredible isn't it? As I  get older, the years just pass by faster and faster...

So tell me bloggies, what has been happening in your corner of the world?

It's Sunday kids, do me a favor, go out and laugh and enjoy the week.

Peace.

september: in with a bang! literally...

As the title of this post says, September did indeed come in with a bang and then some.  I was involved in a car accident on Wednesday afternoon.  For the most part, I'm fine.  I mean, I have very ugly looking bruises all over my body, my neck has a few lacerations, hurts like a b****! And my arm is killing me.  I'm grateful for pain medication.  But as I said, for the most part, I'm fine.  Thank God.  My car on the other hand, is not.  It died instantly.  I watched it fall apart before my eyes, pieces falling off, smoke coming out of it, it was painful to watch.  We had a good run, albeit a short one.  But alas, life goes on.

In other news, I have recently come to the realization that the Love bug has it out for me.  Seriously. Otherwise, how else can you explain how it keeps playing dirty tricks on me?  Latest trick?  Letting me meet a wonderful and exceptionally sweet and kind man.  Dangling him in front of me, letting me fall for him only to learn, that we met at the  wrong time in our lives.  Timing is everything.  Apparently, I keep sleeping through the alarm.  As I let out a deep sigh, I lick my wounds and go on with life.  After all? The alternative would be death and I'm just not ready for that yet.  heh.

Friends and family have been so great about checking on me and making sure I was ok.  The fact is, I have a lot of people in my  life that love me and care for and worry for me.  And my  cup overflows.  I have nothing to be down about.  I'm richer beyond whatever worth money could ever bring me.  Not going to lie though, a few Benjamins in my pocket would be nice, but if that never happens, I am still wealthy in love and family and friends.  Who could ask for more?

It's Saturday afternoon kids, make it a great one.

xoxo

Hello September

Greetings and salutations bloggies.  I'm not sure who still reads this little blog of mine but in the off chance that someone is out there, I thank you.  :)

I've been quiet for a while dealing with life and all that it throws at us.  Some things have been heavier and harder to deal with than others but the chaos that is my life, is slowly returning back to normal.  And by normal, I mean "less crazy".

September is here.  Wow, where did the summer go?  I for one, had a great summer.  The ending may have sucked a little bit for me, but all in all it was a great one.  But now it's time to focus on the beginning of  Fall.  Yes we have that season here in Houston.  Well, some days we do and some days it's still Summer.  But on those days that we have it, we love it.  Or I do anyway.  The air is crisp, the leaves change colors, the season of festivals and football  begins. Good times ahead.

So tell me kids, what's been going on with you?   How was your summer? I've missed you guys.  Let's reconnect.  :)

As always, thanks for dropping by and get ready to be bombarded with more mindless posts, sappy love poems and anything else that forms in my head.  I'll think it and you'll read it.  -You're welcome.

And because I love this song and well it's September, I thought I'd share this with you...

Have a great weekend!

let's talk sex instead

can't write
want to
just can't

words escape me
they are running around
in my head
but I can't seem to coax
them out
so i write about sex instead.  or lack of.  what is this "sex" thing that I hear you people go on about anyway?  hmm, i vaguely remember, vaguely...

I wait for you
in bed
You walk in and join me
I am anxious
flirty
horny
and ready

You smile at me
brush the hair out of my face
My body reacts to your touch
however minute it was

We kiss softly
gingerly...

Ok, no we don't

We kiss hard
licking
sucking
biting

hands roaming
touching

breaths heavy
soft moans

Feelings of ecstasy take over

We are one 
in sync 
our bodies find their rhythm
and they play
and they play
until the crescendo erupts

And we lay there

Spent
but deliriously happy
_______________________

so how did I do? :)

how i spent my summer vacation or something like that

guess what? i can't sleep.  you know what that means, don't you?  that's right kids, mindless jibber jabber from me.  or perhaps more love sick poetry.  meh.  moving on.  what is up bloggies? i'm finally back from cancun.  it was the most amazing and relaxing trip ever.  i seriously did not want to return. i may have even cried a little.  yeah i'm kidding.  i didn't cry. that much.  if you have never been to cancun, i highly recommend it.  or any other destination that has white, sandy beaches.  i was in heaven.  for seven days i did nothing but lay out on the beach, read, soak up the rays, jump in the pool and fall asleep to the music of the waves crashing in.  it was fabulous.  i have the fierce suntan to prove it.  i've been to cancun many times before, so this time my only plan was to relax and de-stress. which i did, tenfold.  of course, with the help of grey goose, malbec and flor de cana, my stress disappeared.  i also wrote a lot.  which was very good.  nights were reserved for dancing and mingling.  and checking out the hot men. there was an abundance of that.  i may or may not have rendezvoused with a certain cuban musician.  hey, when in rome and all that...  it was fun.  i had fun.  and that's all that matters.

how is your summer going so far?  do tell...

i hope i fall asleep soon.  work is going to be a bitch if i don't.

pray for me.

alright that's i have for you tonight.  

be  good.

ps  LETS GO USA!!!  I BELIEVE!!! #worldcupdreams2014

hot summer nights result in this...

waiting 

wanting

longing

craving

you.

take me to that place that only you can make me go 

devour me with your mouth

your touch

your body

make me forget the pain

show me the way to happiness

make love to me 

as if it was the last time

over and over again

Friday the 13th -my new favorite non-holiday

Perhaps it was the full moon that was forecast for later that evening.  Or maybe it was karma, of the good kind.  Or better yet?  The stars aligned finally.  Who knows? But this past Friday the 13th will forever be embedded in my heart.  So remember back in April when I told you all about my Opening Day adventures at the Astros game?  And remember the story I told you about HIM and how for the past five years I have seen him at the game on Opening Day?  Well, guess what bloggies?  I not only saw him Friday evening but I also spoke to him.  That's right.  This girl right here, finally had the guts to go up to him after all these years.  And you know what? It was the best thing I  did that day.  Seriously.  No I was not at the ballpark.  Heh.   I was at a company happy hour with coworkers.  We had just had the day from hell and looked the part too, so we needed to drown our sorrows and angst in some adult beverages.  A lot of them apparently, from what I recollect.  Picture this, we were sitting at a table inside a neighborhood bar, it was directly in front of the door leading out to the patio.  I decide to sit at the end of the table, facing the door.  The place was crowded, loud and chaotic. Typical Friday afternoon right?  So as I'm sitting there I happen to look up just as the door opens and he walks in.  I glanced fairly quickly at him, thinking to myself, "He looks like _____" and then looked away.  Well he glanced at me too just as quickly as I had.  I returned to the conversation at the table but again, something made me look towards the bar which was directly to the the side of me.  And there he was again and this time, I took a good look.  And it was HIM.  As usual, my heart starts racing, I start feeling hot, my stomach is doing flip flops.  The first thing I think of course is, "OMG, I look like crap!" and "I'm wearing my glasses, double crap!"  But you know, sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  So I scurried  to the ladies room with make-up bag in hand.  Re-touched my make up and pretended I looked like a million bucks.  I went back to the table and subtly searched the room for him.  He was easy to find.  The place is not that big.  I spot him near the bar and I just get up and walk up to him.  He had his back to me.  I tapped him on his shoulder or his lower back really, he's very tall and I'm, well I'm not.  He turned around and looked at me for a second.  I smiled at him and then he gave me that smile of his, that big, beautiful smile.  And then he gave me the best hug ever.  He was always a great hugger.  We started talking at the same time, laughed at that and then did it again.  We spoke for only a few minutes but it seemed like forever.  I congratulated him on his engagement and wished him the best.  He asked how I was doing, stuff like that. We hugged again, and he walked me back to my table and said good bye.  I of course, could not stop smiling the rest of the evening.  A meteor could have come barrelling out of the sky and landed right in front of me, and still, I would still be smiling.  I was so happy not only to see him, but to finally talk to him, after all this time.  I needed this to happen.  If for no other reason, than to lay something to rest that needed to be put to rest.  Perhaps you are confused and don't understand me and that's okay.  I understand me.  And now, if I see him next Opening Day, I won't hesitate to say hello.

In other news, I hope all of you Dads out there had a great Father's Day! Hope you were spoiled a lot, too. I was not able to see my dad today, but I did talk to him over the phone.

Guess what bloggies?  A week from today (well yesterday) I will be in Cancun, Mexico.  Fun, sun and relaxation with a few shenanigans thrown in,  I'm sure.

It's a new week friends, make it count.

Be good.

...because a title escapes me

In approximately twenty-one days I will be boarding a plane to a little piece of paradise.  My family and I will be taking a much needed vacation to Cancun.  And when I say family, I mean ALL of my family.  Cousins, aunts, brothers, sisters, spouses, significant others.  Final count? 31 travelers.  Yikes! Someone warn the resort that we're staying in, that there's about to be a Houston invasion taking place.  I'm counting down.  It will be so nice to get away from the chaos that is my life -even if is for just a few days.

I've not been a good blogger lately nor have I been a good bloggie friend.  I apologize.  Work and personal struggles have gotten the best of me and warrant all of my attention.  I promise I'll be a better blogger once everything settles down with work and with my life.  Although, I have been writing a lot more poetry these days.  Troubled mind = creativity.  Some I have posted here and some I keep to myself.  At any rate, I hope you've enjoyed them.

I don't know why but I have been an emotional wreck lately.  I mean, moreso than usual.  I just think stressing about work and other stuff going on, has just taken a toll on me.  The upside? I'm writing more.  (just not on this blog) The downside?  I feel like I'm going a little crazy.  (ok, ok, crazy-ER)

Enough.

What's going on with all of you? Summer plans? Summer romances? Summer antics?  Do tell!

 

Alright, the bewitching hour is almost upon us.  Do me a favor, make it a great week.  I promise to visit your blogs soon.  I know I have neglected you.  

Here is something I wrote earlier tonight.  Check it out.   You can hate it.  Love it.  Ignore it.  That's fine with me, I just wanted to share with you.

peace.

_________________________________

i see you

every night

in my dreams

we are friends

we are lovers

we are happy

until

when the dawn of morning comes

we become strangers 

cold and heartless

i want to sleep forever.

just me and my friend "insomnia"

it's 2:00 a.m. in the space city and i'm wide awake.  luckily tomorrow is sunday and i can sleep in a little. maybe.  my body doesn't seem to grasp the notion of "sleeping in on the weekends", regardless if i have insomnia or not.

blah.  in other news, my holiday weekend started off with a concert friday night.  journey played in my fair city, along with the steve miller band.  they are bands that i grew up listening to and were all the rage in the early seventies and eighties.  they actually still are pretty popular, the sold out venue where they played friday night, solidified this as fact.
the concert was great.  i was there with a group of friends and we sang along at the top of our lungs, along with everyone else in the crowd. all of a sudden eveyone was everyone's friend or bro.  lots of high-fives and fist pumps were given.  that's what happens when a huge crowds gathers and starts drinking hours before the concert even starts.  good times indeed.  heh.

but really, what's on my mind tonight, er, this morning, is something having to do with men (of course) but it can also be for women as well. when i was asked recently, to describe my idea of the "ideal" man for me, i gave my litany of qualities i would like him to have.  well the person that posed the question, then went on to tell me that basically, i was delusional and there was no such man that existed.  which bothered me because i wasn't making crazy demands. anyway, he went on to tell me that the person i described was "perfect" and "perfect" didn't exist.  i rebutted by saying that one person's imperfection may be another person's perfection. i don't want perfect.  i want perfect, for me.  how is that delusional?  the same can be said for men.  in the end, i think both men and women alike, are looking for the same thing, which is someone who loves them, is kind to them, and makes them happy.  sounds simple right?  if only it was.

what are your thoughts?

another thing on my mind tonight or this morning (all a matter of perspective, bloggies) is that i just found out someone i used to know, recently got engaged.  i am so happy for him.  i really am.  that news made me smile.  i wish i could tell him that, but i can't.  so instead i tell him here, in the confines of my blog. congratulations friend, i wish all the happiness in the world to you and your beloved.

my mind is reeling with all kinds of things in my head right now.  i'm sitting in silence but the chaos in my head is loud and  rowdy.  i thought writing would somehow quiet it down but no, not even close. that may be my cue to step away from the computer.  i know i'm not really making much sense.  and i'm totally sober too.

enough.  let me put this post out of it's misery.

enjoy your weekend kids, i'll be back after i've gotten some sleep.

in the meantime, be good. or be bad and come tell me about it.

-peace.

silent interludes

daring each other
with every conversation

every word
goes dangerously
further than before

forbidden fantasies
remain only fantasies

stolen glances
secret smiles

hoping that one or the other
will dare enough for
both of us

but knowing
neither of us will

and so instead
we dance around
flirting
day after day
teasing
wishing

emotions growing
craving that
which cannot be

silent interludes
.

When A Dream Turns Into A Nightmare

I woke up this morning, got out of bed, did my stretchy-stretches that I do every morning, and went to brush my teeth.  It was then, as I was brusha, brusha, brusha-ing, that it all came back to me.  The Rockets did really lose to the Portland Trail Blazers in the wee hours of the morning.  Our hopes to advance in the playoffs were literally taken away from us in a blink of an eye.  Poof goes the dynamite, well actually, BAM went the dynamite.  Again.  We were mere seconds from winning the game and advancing when one, single shot, nailed us shut in the coffin.  Season over. We lose.  Again.  You know, one would think that as a Houstonian, and an avid sports fanatic, we should be used to this scenario.  That heart-wrenching, turn your insides into knots kind of scenario.  The kind of scenario that has been played out in baseball, football, soccer and basketball.  At least it is if you're a Houston sports fan.  And yet, for the fan that is not the fair-weather kind, as much as we're angry, disappointed, disillusioned, we'll be back next season, and the one after that and the one after that.  Just as we have for years now.  Masochists? Perhaps.  But I prefer to use the term "true fan"  Meh, another basketball season in the books.  As many others this morning, I will dwell on this loss a bit longer, get over being so sad about it and turn my attention to my nephew's little league game instead. At least in those games, no one loses, everyone is a winner.  Speaking of winning, the Astros won yesterday.  So there's that.  

In other news, I'm still sick but feeling much better than last week.  I'm anxious to get back to work, to working out, to talking my head off (ha).  So send prayers, good vibes, light candles -whatever you want, all will be appreciated.  :)

It's a brand new month bloggies, let's make it a great one.

  

Games People Play: The Dating Woes

Since I am not allowed to speak because of the bronchitis issue, my mind is doing all the talking for me.  Be afraid bloggies, be very afraid...

On my mind tonight? Meh, besides a million other things?  The matter of dating of course. Why do men play games with us? Why do we play games with them?  Mind games.  That's what I'm talking about.  Mind games.  You know what I'm referring to right?  Sure you do.  Who among us (both sexes) can deny it?

First scenario: A guy is interested in a girl, he asks her out, they go out and have a seemingly great time.  Guy promises to call.  Girl never hears from him again.  

Second scenario:  Guy and girl go out on a first date, have a blast, exchange numbers and then mull over whether or not one should call the other.  This mulling over lasts for a couple of days, each person thinking that the other should/will call if he/she is really interested.  All the while, no one is getting called and both people are talking to their very understanding friends who, not surprisingly, hate the girl/guy for being such a douche/bitch to their friend.  

Third scenario-  Guy woos girl, calls when he says he's going to call, makes her laugh, seems caring and more importantly, seems interested in her.  In a nutshell, he gets her hooked, only to play the Houdini act as soon as she takes the bait.  And when said girl calls said boy to ask what's going on, the boy acts like a total ass.  

Why? Why do they do that? Why do we do that?  If we were in our twenties, fresh out of college or even in high school, then maybe this behavior would be more accepting to me but we're not.  I'm not. I'm older and somewhat wiser -no comments from the peanut gallery.  and I know what I want.  I know men who also feel the same way.  And yet, these games are still getting played.  I get the thrill of the chase for the men and the act of being wooed for the women, but when is enough, enough?  Why does going on a date nowadays have to be so complicated? Down to what you should/should not say or wear or talk about.  Ugh,  next time someone just hand me a script mmkay?

For me, as a woman over forty, dating in this day and age, is a nightmare.  Truly, it is.   I have had some nice dates and some promising ones too, but for the most part, my dates have been one or all of the above scenarios and worse.  For my long time followers, you will agree with me because you have read some of those horror stories in this very blog.

Last weekend I was with a group of friends, men and women.  Over some wine and really cool guitar sounds in the background, the discussion of dating and games came up.  The men said that women like when they play games and sometimes, revel in it.  Revel? Seriously?  And then the women chimed in and said that we hate when they play games.  We went round and round with this and after several 4 bottles of wine, couldn't come up with a good reason as to why this is continuing to happen.

Can you?

sick and tired of being sick and tired...

i'm sick.  and whiney.  and irritable.  and whiney.  eh, you get the picture.  after suffering for three or four days with wheezing, watery and itchy eyes, chills and coughing, i finally went to the doctor who informed me that i have a mild case of bronchitis.  seriously?  i took the prescriptions (yes more than one, three to be exact) from him and went on my merry way.  i almost escaped too, except he caught up to me before i left his office.  "you need to rest.  no talking (only if absolutely necessary)  and plenty of liquids"
i vaguely remember him walking me to the front and me getting onto the elevator.  i was still at the "no talking"  part.

yeah, such has been my life the past week.  i have been confined to the walls of my house and that's pretty much it.  i've never had bronchitis before, have you?  let me tell you something, it kicks you in the ass and leaves you crying on the floor.  literally.  i have never felt so tired or out of breath and listless in all of my life.  ever.  even as much as i want to pretend that i'm feeling better or try and convince my body that i am, i can't.  there's no fooling that bronchitis bitch.  yeah i decided it's a woman.  has to be.  and so, i have all of this time on my hands.  technically, i'm not even supposed to be on the laptop, i'm supposed to just be in bed, resting.  but come on, how much resting can i do??? i'm going a bit batty.  anyway, i just wanted share my misery with you.  you're welcome.

what's up everybody?  i know i'm about a week and half late but, how was everyone's easter sunday?  i for one had a blast with the family.  our day consisted of swimming, massive easter egg hunt with tons of little munchkins running around,  serious ring toss and volleyball games and lots of food and maybe even libations.  good times for sure.

i'll tell you what wasn't a "good" time though, my church time.  now, i'm not one to judge about anyone's beliefs or non-beliefs.  you worship at your own will, that's fine by me.  what i have a problem with is total disregard for respect in the house of worship. whether it be catholic, pentecostal, baptist, or even if you're agnostic.  respect your surroundings and respect the people around you.  why is this so hard to do?

ok so what happened is that i was about 5 minutes late to mass.  i am catholic so it was a catholic service that i attended.  the church was already full and rather than disrupt what was already going on, i decided to stand in the back.  i stood in front of a group of girls who were no older than 15 or 16 years old.  i was listening to the priest when suddenly i hear laughter and girls talking.  i know it's the little group behind me but i continue to listen to what's going on in front of me and hope the annoying girls will just shut up.  well, the talking grows louder and then i hear one of them drop the "f" bomb not once, not twice but three times in the span of a second.  i turned my head so fast i thought i broke it off.  i gave them an angry glare and told them to 'please be quiet" but i was livid.  i felt offended and just pissed off really.  by no means am i this goody two shoes or "holier than thou" bible thumper.  far from that, however, i would never, ever , ever curse in a place of worship. whether i am a believer or not.  it made me  sick.  one of the ushers also heard the girls and asked them to take their conversation outside.  do you know that the girls started arguing with the usher?  at that point, i moved to the other side and started praying to God to hold my tongue, because i was about to go off on them. and not in a nice, catholic girl kind of way either.  the rest of the service was fine, i don't even know what happened to those girls but what they did really bothered me. it still does.  a few years ago, two friends of mine got married in galveston, in a breathtaking, greek orthodox church.  some of the guests (also friends of mine) were laughing, telling dirty jokes and just having a good ol' time during the service.  now, i am not a greek orthodox but i was offended then too.  i mean, where is the decorum? and these jesters were adults so what was their excuse?   i do tend to get all pumped up about matters that are important to me.  i guess it is my upbringing. for me, going to church is sacred.  it's the house of God and should be respected, whether you worship there or not.  just as you would respect the house of peter, paul or mary or even joe blow.  i was always taught to respect my elders, be kind to others and respect the church.  does that make me weird? old?  uptight?  no, i don't think it does at all.  i really just think that some kids today have no inkling as to what respect really means.

alirght, i'm off of my soapbox.  i just wanted to vent a little.  and the world goes on...

ps-y'all better pray i get better soon, or you're more likely to see more random posts like this one :)

this and that

the month is eight days old.  how's it  going for you so far?  when last we met, i was excitedly waiting for the start of baseball but more specifically, the astros baseball season.  despite recent losses, i'm still relishing that they were able to beat the ny yankees not once, but twice in the home opening series.  that's enough to make me happy, don't you think?  as far as home openers go, this one did not disappoint.  there was the usual high energy buzz in the air, prior to the start of the game.  heck, well before the doors to the stadium even opened.  the usual staples were ever present again, such as the street festival that takes place within a three block radius, right in front of minute maid park.  fans of all ages listening to live music, getting their faces painted, taking pictures, talking baseball, eating peanuts, cracker jacks and hot dogs, of course. and what's a ballgame or any sporting event really, without a little friendly trash-talking with the opposing team's fans?yankees fans were out in full force but  no worries, it was all done in fun and no one was out of line.  there were a few obnoxious ones inside the stadium but they were outnumbered and quickly grew quiet.  the usual suspects and i were out  donning of course our best astros attire.  we haven't missed an opening day game, since 2003.  tradition is tradition.  the game was an exciting one and the players didn't disappoint.  all in all, it was another opening day filled with excitement, anticipation and thankfully, a "w" in the win column.  i can't wait until next year.

you know what else happened that day?  i ran into "HIM" again.  just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.  for those not a follower on the regular, "HIM" has been the subject of many, many, MANY, poems and stories that i have written.  in fact, i wrote a short story in male voice, because of him. he is sprinkled all over this little blog of mine.  so let me tell you the quick version of this little story.  you have time right? back in 2004 i met a boy.  he was charming, he was funny, he seduced my mind (and that's not an easy feat) and he was incredibly sexy.  he was the typical "bad boy"  but in a good way.  he had his group of friends he ran with whom i secretly called "the brat pack".  personally, i thought he was closest to resembling dean martin.-smooth, swag, charming.  anyway, we didn't date but we would see each other.  and i fell head over heels for him.  he did not feel the same way.  however,  we still saw each other throughout the years for other purposes and my feelings grew for him over that time.  it was a sad, pseudo relationship.  he would call when he was available and i would see him.  sad right? i know, i know. one day he just stopped calling.  i knew then, that he had moved on.  it took me a long time to get over him but i did.  he will always be the one that will make me blush and give me warm fuzzies in the pit of my stomach, no matter how many years go by.  he'll always be the one that i will smile (like i am right now) whenever i think about him.  anyway, for the past four years or so, every opening day, i run into him.  he has not a clue. (at least i don't think he does)  it's mind boggling to me because in a stadium filled with thousands of people, i always manage to spot him.  i never approach him or go say hi. i want to but i don't.  i'm always afraid of his reaction.  i mean, i think it would be so awkward.  well last week, we were leaving the stadium and just like that, there he was.  and just like years past, my heart fluttered and my stomach did flip flops.  this time i considered going up and saying hi, but i didn't.  again, i was afraid of his reaction.  which i don't know what i'm really afraid of really.  i mean, what happened between us, happened so long ago and now we're both older and in different places in our lives.  i love him to pieces, he really is a good guy, he just wasn't the guy for me.  i don't think he ever knew just how much he meant to me.  things happen for a reson.  i learned a lot about myself during that time and for that, i'm grateful.  but i think sometimes, men react and think about this so differently than women. am i right?  i realize i've gone off on a huge tangent and most of you are probably wondering what the hell's wrong with me, but it's okay.  y'all should be used to my babbling and ADD swings.  anyway,one of my friend's who is fully aware of the "HIM" story, thinks me always running into him has something to do with serendipity or fate or something like that.  i don't believe that but i do believe that the degrees of separation between he and i are uncanny.  weird isn't it?

alright, i just wanted to share that little anecdote of my life with you.  if you're still reading, thank you.
come back, i'll redeem myself.

maybe.

Sangria Sunday

sunday funday is in full effect here in houston.  spring has sprung, as it were.  and we're all the happier for it, believe me.  no more sweaters, turtle necks, jackets, scarves, cute boots.  nope. say hello to shorts, tees, cute sandals and spring dresses.  at least until our bipolar friend aka mother nature, spoils our moment again.

besides the spectacular weather, i'm also giddy with excitement because the countdown to the baseball season and another astros opening day, is but a mere two days away.  longtime followers of my blog will recognize my excitement but for my newest readers, i will tell you that i am a huge baseball fan.  in particular, a huge astros fan.  i have been since i was probably old enough to walk, thanks to my daddy.  no fair weather fan here, that's for sure.  win or lose, suck or not, stadium almost empty or not, i'm still a fan. most people (ok my friends) look at me with this look of "you must be crazy!" or give me a "aww, i'm sorry" look when they see me at the ballpark on opening day. i just ignore them.  poor souls.

it's become a tradition for me and my friend michelle to attend the home opener and partake in the street festival that takes place prior to the game.  so yeah, i'm excited.  i had already scheduled the day off to take care of some other business so the game will be the icing on the cake that day.  all i have left to say is, "play ball!"  

in other news, i've recently decided to clean house, so to speak, with regard to the "dead weights" in my life.
not to sound harsh, but in reality, some of these people are only in my life to take up space and precious air. i don't need negativity or stupidity in my life right now, or ever.   i need stability, support, encouragement and loyalty.  i give the same.  and while i realize no one is ever going to get the same return as what they put out, these certain individuals who were privvy to my life, were only in  it to see what was in it for them.  and that's it. well, no more doormat, no more ms, nice guy.  like a fairy godmother, i've zapped the wand and said "poof be gone!"  and now they are.  and life is good.

well bloggies, it's sunday afternoon, a little too much sangria for me, i will regret this post tomorrow i'm sure. :

hope you're enjoying your day in your little corner of the world.

come back, i'll even be sober. heh. :)

be good.

i'm baaaack!

testing, testing, is this thing on? can anyone hear me? or better yet, is anyone still here?  i know, i know, i've been a bad blogger and an even worse blog visitor.  i've been neglecting my bloggies and that's just so wrong.  my apologies dear ones.  i have no real excuse other than, i just didn't want to blog.  nothing else.  but i'm back and i promise to visit your play pens just as soon as i can.  pinky swear and all that.

well, we're midway through march.  how's that working out for you so far?  i can tell you how it's not working out for me.  for instance, i have not won the lotto.  i have not lost 20lbs like i am supposed to. -though, that one may still happen.  i still have seven days to go. heh.  oh and i have not met anyone of the male persuasion that i may be even remotely interested in dating.  wait that's not entirely true.  i did meet someone that i would love or would have loved to get to know.  but alas, he is married.  so i moved him to the friend zone stat.  and there he will remain, until death do them part.

other than that, i have just been working like a crazed person.  and stressed like i imagine president obama to be every day.  i wonder if he has knots at the back of his neck like i do.  but relax, i've started or will start (heh) a new workout regimine that hopefully, will take care of the knots in my neck.  i just have to keep reminding myself to take it easy breezy and not sweat the small stuff.  easier said than done yeah?  but i have to because if not, i will lose my mind. what's left of it.

so anyway, what's going on over here?  i know that one of my wonderful and beautiful fellow bloggers and author got married last week. on st. patrick's day actually.  good for her.  she is not only talented and a gifted writer, but absolutely gorgeous to boot.  congratulation again jennifer! http://www.jenniferhillier.ca/
we have yet to meet.  hopefully before the end of the year, something will happen.

anyone else get married? spill it.

well it's almost the bewitching hour.  do me a favor, come back.

new week.  make it a great one!

Moving forward, catching up

Happy 1st  day of March everyone. Whew. So glad to see February go.  It was a month filled with so much sadness and grief that I don't think my emotional state could have handled much more.  As most of you know, the month began with the death of my beloved grandmother, followed by the diagnosis of cancer for a friend of mine, and her subsequent and very sudden death, three weeks later.  That coupled with the emotional roller coaster of a relationship I have had with my, with the manfriend that is also dealing with his cancer, well, it just all took a toll on me and I kind of had to just, check out for a while.  But you know me, I can't stay away too long.  I'm back, still broken and hurting but ready to keep moving forward.  Life keeps going, no matter what happens.  It keeps going and I plan to move along with it.

Today is also the day I start counting down to the Astros Opening Day.  Those that have followed and read my blog throughout the years, know that I am a huge baseball fan.  Particularly, a huge Astros fan.  And Opening Day is a pretty big deal to me.  Yeah I know they are in last place, yeah I am heckled by friend and foe alike because I am still a fan and yeah, I get discouraged after every loss, but you know what? I'm optomistic this upcoming season and I'm still cheering for them.  Win or lose.  -Mostly lose. ha!  Anyway, for the past oh, eight years or so, my friends and I have made it a tradition to go to the home opener.  We either take the day off or work half a day and enjoy the street festivities, have lunch somewhere nearby, and then finally go into the ballpark to watch the game. So there you go, the countdown begins NOW.

Talk to me bloggies, what's been going on in your corner of the world? Was February good to you? Do tell...

Here's to a happier, healthier and groovier month of March, for all of us.

To My Valentine -Wherever He May Be

You are somewhere in this world
lost and lonely.

I don't know who you are yet
I can't see your face
But I know your heart
and it belongs to me
Just as mine,
belongs to you

You yearn for a woman to help
bring out the best in you,
to laugh with you,
cry with you,
grow with you

You search and search
through dates, relationships and insignificant encounters

Time is not important
Who can  put time restraints on matters of the heart?

And so I wait,
hopeful
for you,
my love.
_____________________________________________

As has become customary for me, I am re-posting this poem I wrote a couple of years ago.  Every Valentine's Day since then, I post it.  Hey, you never know, he just might read it one day! :)

Happy Valentine's Day bloggies! Wishing you love and kisses and flowers and sweet nothings.  And chocolate.  Lots of chocolate, of course.

love hurts

sometimes, i cry out loud
the pain is so intense 

no matter what i do
no matter how much 
i try, it's never enough

you are exhausting
you drain my emotions
i am left spent

you take 
and you take
and leave me empty

loving you is easy
it's what happens after 
that causes my angst

you are oblivious 
clueless of the consequences
that your selfishness causes

your words 
your actions
your indifference
cut deeper
than any knife ever could

and yet 
i love you
all of you

how much longer?

Circle of Life - It's Inevitable

My 91 year old year old grandmother passed away earlier this afternoon. (It's technically already Monday, but she passed away on Sunday) Suddenly, everything else happening in the world, really didn't seem as important anymore.  My grandma was an amazing woman.  She lived a long and fruitful life. She came to the United States from Nicaragua when she was very young.  Not long after, she met and married my grandfather and they raised 5 children.  One of them, my dad.  My grandma was a spitfire.  She was always laughing and loved to dance and sing.  She sang loud and proud and didn't care who heard her or who didn't want to hear her.  She sang.  She also loved wearing flowers in her hair, or tucked behind her ear.  It didn't matter the season, or the occasion, if she saw a flower, it was highly likely that she was going gt wear it. She also loved wearing bright red lipstick.  I think I inherited that trait.  She also never met a stranger and was the life of the party. Always.  She loved me.  I was her first grandchild, how could she not? Although her death was not unexpected, as she had been in a hospice for over a month now, it still jolted all of us.  My dad is taking it the hardest.  I'm mostly worried about him.  She was his everything.  He was a mama's boy.  Even now, at his 74 years of age.  I am very sad, but I haven't cried.  At Sunday mass this evening, as I was praying for her soul, I started to cry but made myself stop, because if I didn't, the dam would break and I wouldn't be able to control them.  I haven't shed a tear since.

Not really the way I was going to spend my Sunday.  But then, since when does life let you plan anything?

Heaven gained another angel today.  La quiero mucho abuelita, que en paz descanse.

Maria Mercado aka "Abue" short for Abuela

Peace.

Houston: Hunker down!

During the highly anticipated and destructive storm that was Hurricane Ike in 2008, one of the city's elected officials was on the news around the clock.  On the last update before the storm actually hit, he uttered the words, "Hunker down!" and so, it seems fitting that tonight, in anticipation of a storm of a different kind, I utter the same words: "Houston: Hunker down!"  Oh it's serious, folks.  My normal 15 minute trek in the grocery store this evening told me how serious it really is.  It took me an hour standing in line to pay for milk.  Yes.  Milk.  That's it.  That's all I was buying.  Meanwhile, there was chaos all around me.  People dashing in loading up their carts with anything that wasn't tied down.  The entire city is on lockdown until further notice.  I mean, did I miss something? Was the second coming of Christ announced?  It doesn't take much for people to panic, that's for sure.  I suppose I shouldn't be so dismissive about the pending winter blast that is forecast for Tuesday morning.  And I'm not.  But to go all crazy buying every single case of water and who knows what else.  Well, that to me just seems extreme.  But that's us.  We do things big down here in Texas.  Oh come on, stop making fun of us.  You all know darned well that we are lost when it comes to freezing weather.  We buckle down and cry uncle when that happens.  Hurricanes? No problem.  Tornadoes? We got it.  Flooding? Bring it.  But snow and ice and precipation?  Uh, yeah we turn into frightened and hysterical souls.  The forecast for tomorrow is sleet, ice and possible snow.   Those are words that are never heard here, and yet this is the second time in in less than a week that they are mentioned.  Yay us.  The kids are delirious  for a second snow day in less than three days.  I still haven't gotten the word that we are closing the office tomorrow.  One can only hope.  Stay tuned kids, it's about to get crazy.  Oh and for all of my friends up East, laugh all you want, but come Summer time and you are melting due to the heat, guess who will laugh the loudest?  :)

In other news,  have any of you ever been bitten by a dog?  I have.  Sunday afternoon I was at the office with pretty much all of my team.  We were working on a project that was due on Monday.  Anyway, my boss took her doggie named Sofie, to work.  Now Sofie is a small, pudgy, adorable little Bulldog.  Cutest thing ever!  Sofie had been to the office before and was friendly and playful with all of us.  Well for whatever reason, she decided to lunge at me yesterday.  I instinctively put my hands over my face.  She got a hold of two of my fingers and bit the hell out of them in the process.  I have a high threshold for pain.  Or I  did until yesterday.  That cutest thing ever bit me so hard I cried out in pain.  What happened next is still kind of murkish for me. I know that my boss grabbed Sofie and there was yelling involved (or maybe it was my screaming) and one of my coworkers led me to the kitchen sink where  she proceeded to wash my hand out and then drove me to the nearest Urgent Care to have it looked at.  I really didn't think that was necessary, my boss assured me that Sofie had all her shots and they were up to date.  But still, everyone insisted, so I went.  I remember this and I remember the pain distinctly.  I've never felt anything like it before.  I'm a dog lover.  My siblings and I always had pets growing up.  But none of them ever bit us before.  Ugh.  I felt bad for Sofie and I felt bad for my boss because she was beside herself with worry for me.  In the end, I have big ol ugly teeth marks, broken skin, a little bruising and swelling and slight discomfort.  The scars will heal and the pain is almost forgotten.  Almost.  Sofie is not welcome at the office anynore and that sucks a little.

Oh well, tune in tomorrow for Snow day in Houston: The Aftermath.

Meet Sofie

Something Sweet

I was about a block away from my house when my phone rang.  I put the blue tooth in my ear and answered, it was my mom.  She wanted to know where I was and if I could bring her back something sweet.  I reminded her that there was nothing sweeter than me in her life.  She told me to quit being a smart-ass.  I don't know why she thought I was being a smart-ass.  Heh.  Something sweet.  In my mom's language that only meant one thing and that was, pan de dulce which literally means, sweet bread.  Pan de dulce for those not in the know, is tradionally a Mexican pastry, although, other Latin American countries also share the love for it.  Pan de dulce originated in Europe but quickly became the staple in the Mexican culture and in my house.  There were many a Sunday mornings that my brothers and sister and I, would sit down for breakfast and among the dishes at the center of the table, was a plate full of various pan de dulce.  Not to mention, pan con chocolate.  (sweet bread with hot chocolate) Oh my god.  Now that is heaven! A meloncholic smile came over my face, as I made a quick u-turn and made my way to the neighborhood bakery.  This was difficult for me to do because in my ongoing quest and new year resolution to drop the extra poundage, I gave up bread for the month of January, just to see how much I could lose and how strong my willpower is.  Oh pan (bread)  my one and only true love.  I'm on day 19 and while I have not physically harmed anyone yet, I have been quite a handful to my family and friends. (read: bitch)  You see why going to buy "something sweet" for my mother dear was torture for me?  Exactly.  But I digress.  Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that it would be just like Christmas season-busy on a Sunday evening.  But it was.  The parking lot was beyond full.  Was there a sudden shortage of sweet-bread descending on Houston or what?  And if so, why didn't I get the memo?  I mean it was crazy packed.  I almost turned the car around and left but  I didn't.  I knew my mom really wanted something sweet or she wouldn't have asked.  She never asks for anything.  So I parked (after circling for hours a few minutes) and braved the madness inside.  Now, I don't know if any of you dear bloggies, have  ever been to a panaderia (bakery) before, but I assure you, you've not been to any one that even resembles the one I go went to.  First of all, it was just as much of a madhouse inside as it was outside.  The cashiers are all in the middle of the store, the sweetbread surrounds them in glass cases that you can go and get yourself.  There are plastic silver platters and tongs at your disposal. I grabbed one such platter and tong and proceeded to the case that contained some of my mom's favorites.  On my walk over, I'm almost caught in what can only be described as a Mexican mosh pit.  Can you imagine the headlines?  "Woman flung in the air at local bakery! News at 11!"  Seriously, these people meant business.  I shimmied (true story) my way to nirvana the stupid case, put a few on my platter and continued on.  By the time I'd chosen all of my mom's faves, I was quite irritated and regretting my choice to come to this particular bakery.  Whatever. I proceed to get in the long line (It wrapped around the counter)  Errbody wanted sweet bread it seemed.  Kids running around, babies crying, ranchera music in the background... Quite the party going on, indeed.  Finally, after handing over my money to the nice lady, I walked out and into the safe confines of my car.  Whew!  That was close!

Happy Sunday kids!  It was an amazingly beautiful day here in Houston.  I hope it was for you too, in your little corner of the world.  Have a great week, you know the drill, make it happen.

Peace.

ps- here are a few pics of the sweetness that is bread.  Damn you diet!!!!

COURTESY OF AN OLD FRIEND -INSOMNIA...

if you were me...

your heart would be full
so full that you were afraid 
it was  going to spill over

you'd know how much 
i love you

you'd know my heart
is yours and no one else's

you'd make sure i never hurt
but if i did
you'd do everything you could
to make it stop

time apart from each other
would seem an eternity

you would never 
take my love for granted

today and tomorrow
would always include us

you'd wear a smile on your face
all the time

but you're not me
and life is never this perfect
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Sunday, kids.

Whenever I can't sleep, I either grab a book or start writing.  Tonight I chose to play with words in my head and this is what resulted.  Ironically, my eyes are now getting heavy.  My own prose put me to sleep. :)

You know the drill, new week upon us, make it count.  I will.

Ciao.

Back to the Basics

See me for who I am
Look at me, not through me
Love me, don't use me

I am the one who cries for you
worries for you

I am your friend,
lover
conscience

I am not an after-thought
your second choice
or consolation prize

I am the best thing that ever happened to you
but you don't see that

I would give you the stars and the moon
if you asked me to

Kiss me
caress me
devour me

Not because I fill a temporary need
but because permanent is all you think about
when you think of me

See me
only me
the one that loves you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Greetings and salutations bloggies!  So how is everyone, post holiday frenzy?  I hope Santa and Baby New Year were good to you.  Personally, I'm going to have to fire Santa.  The man in the red suit keeps forgetting my stuff and I was an exceptionally good girl last year.  

So already 2014 is off to a great start.  Got a raise at work, am in the process finally putting together a book of all of my short short stories and  I've  decided that this year I will travel more.  I already started the ball rolling by purchasing my tickets to Spain and a cruise in the summer.  Mostly, I will make myself happy no matter what happens this year. Life is too short to be anything else.

 I'd say that's a pretty good start don't you think?

In other news, it's freezing in Houston.  No really.  It is.  Tomorrow is supposed to be the coldest, it may only reach 19 degrees, if the skies clear up tonight.  Crazy isn't it?  But not to worry, our weather here in the city will be back it's normal bipolar self by Wednesday.  

Enough about me? What's going on in your world?

It's Monday bloggies, you know the drill, make it count.

ps- oh yeah, that poem i wrote up there.  what'd you think?  it's not new, and definitely not my best.  i just tweaked it a bit.  i'll also be working a lot more on my poetry this year.  i want to publish a book of poems.  :)