Sunday, April 27, 2014

Games People Play: The Dating Woes

Since I am not allowed to speak because of the bronchitis issue, my mind is doing all the talking for me.  Be afraid bloggies, be very afraid...

On my mind tonight? Meh, besides a million other things?  The matter of dating of course. Why do men play games with us? Why do we play games with them?  Mind games.  That's what I'm talking about.  Mind games.  You know what I'm referring to right?  Sure you do.  Who among us (both sexes) can deny it?

First scenario: A guy is interested in a girl, he asks her out, they go out and have a seemingly great time.  Guy promises to call.  Girl never hears from him again.  

Second scenario:  Guy and girl go out on a first date, have a blast, exchange numbers and then mull over whether or not one should call the other.  This mulling over lasts for a couple of days, each person thinking that the other should/will call if he/she is really interested.  All the while, no one is getting called and both people are talking to their very understanding friends who, not surprisingly, hate the girl/guy for being such a douche/bitch to their friend.  

Third scenario-  Guy woos girl, calls when he says he's going to call, makes her laugh, seems caring and more importantly, seems interested in her.  In a nutshell, he gets her hooked, only to play the Houdini act as soon as she takes the bait.  And when said girl calls said boy to ask what's going on, the boy acts like a total ass.  

Why? Why do they do that? Why do we do that?  If we were in our twenties, fresh out of college or even in high school, then maybe this behavior would be more accepting to me but we're not.  I'm not. I'm older and somewhat wiser -no comments from the peanut gallery.  and I know what I want.  I know men who also feel the same way.  And yet, these games are still getting played.  I get the thrill of the chase for the men and the act of being wooed for the women, but when is enough, enough?  Why does going on a date nowadays have to be so complicated? Down to what you should/should not say or wear or talk about.  Ugh,  next time someone just hand me a script mmkay?

For me, as a woman over forty, dating in this day and age, is a nightmare.  Truly, it is.   I have had some nice dates and some promising ones too, but for the most part, my dates have been one or all of the above scenarios and worse.  For my long time followers, you will agree with me because you have read some of those horror stories in this very blog.

Last weekend I was with a group of friends, men and women.  Over some wine and really cool guitar sounds in the background, the discussion of dating and games came up.  The men said that women like when they play games and sometimes, revel in it.  Revel? Seriously?  And then the women chimed in and said that we hate when they play games.  We went round and round with this and after several 4 bottles of wine, couldn't come up with a good reason as to why this is continuing to happen.

Can you?


Robin said...

Why do people say they will call at the end of a first date and then don't? Well, because they don't have the courage to say 1)This was fun, but you're not "the one" so I am not going to call again or 2) This was fun but you're not "the one," so don't call me again.

And those guys who woo until you take the bait... I don't know. I think sometimes it is the same problem... They think they like you, want to like you... but they aren't self-aware enough to know that they don't like you Enough. They only figure it out after you have shown some interest and then the light dawns.

Whether you are 20 or 40, the stakes are just as high as they always were. Higher maybe at 40 because chances are good that everyone involved has been Burned.Very.Badly at least once.

So, it is important to not get involved in a relationship that is going nowhere. How long does it take to know if the Magic It is present? I tend to think it happens fairly quickly. But... sometimes our brains and hearts go to war. Even though there is no Magic It, this person is really nice, attractive, wants the same things, we have fun... blah blah blah. And that leads to confusion. And what seems like game playing.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: I do believe that when Both People feel that Magic It at the same time there will be no games. As for me, I am hoping to meet someone that fits that bill before I am 60. Otherwise, I think I am throwing in the towel. Maybe I should throw it in sooner... seems like it's always after you throw the towel that the good stuff happens.

CWMartin said...

My son is in his twenties and runs into the same thing from the women he meets. Everyone wears a mask, and it takes a lot longer to take it off these days.

David Batista said...

I agree with Robin, and I believe I've said as much myself once before on your blog. But I'll add another insight: men are cowards. They know full well they don't like a girl, but will say or act as if they do so long as they are still on the date with you. But the minute they're not, they're like: Oh, phew! Thank god she'll never know how much I don't ever want to do that again.

As for the wooing part--again, speaking as a guy and being around other men--some of us take it too far and, even knowing that we're not interested, want to keep working the angles until she's lapping it up and being hooked. These guys don't actually want to date you, they just want to see how much they can get you to admit you like them, and thus giving them a sense of power. Power which they will now exercise by breaking your heart and never seeing you again.

You're right, it is a game to these types. And women play them, too. And I hate this behavior. I feel life is too short to play mind games. Get to the point, or get out! Don't waste people's time. We all have to learn to be more direct and honest in our interactions. And men have to stop being such cowards! Easier said than done, I know.

Random Girl said...

I'm in the same situ as you and clueless as I like to refer to it. I never have a bad date by conventional standards, just a lot of good first dates that end at that.
I had a refreshing experience recently though that I will share. I met a guy on Tinder, talked quite a bit, invited him to a concert that i had free tickets to, and set that as our first meet. That alone is risky because if we don't click at all we were stuck for an entire concern together. But it went well. He was super cute, a solid guy, good conversation, and a lot of fun. I think we both knew we weren't "long term matches" from the get go but we made the evening a great time regardless.
We went for a late dinner after the concert, ran into a bunch of my friends, then a bunch of his friends, and intros were made and such. So we were essentially public at that point.
The next day, he texted me and basically just said that he was trying to approach all things in his life with integrity and to honor God and he wanted me to know that he had a great time but didn't see us as a long term dating situ and didn't want either of us to invest in each other if the intention wasn't to make it such. I have SO much respect for him for having the balls to be honest and upfront, plus I felt the exact same way so it took the pressure off me.
I wish that everyone could just be up front, date with integrity, and stop with the games. said...

The hormones and brain cells do constant battle. This only complicates things. But you're right, game-playing is for kids. I'll call a guy when I feel like it (even if it means calling him the day after we met) and want the same from him. The only games I want to play with him are scrabble and twister (naked, if he's got a nice bod).


Yvonne said...

Robin- Totally agree with you. Buying a cat (even though I hate cats) and learning to knit is looking more and more like the rest of my life. ha! -Kidding. sorta. Anyway, I just gets discouraged and a little jaded at these mind games that men play and it drives me kinda batty sometimes. But what's a gal to do?

CWM- Exactly on point! "Everyone wears a mask, and it takes a lot longer to take it off these days" that's a very powerful statement. We try so hard to please the potential suitor, want them to like us, sometimes even become what we think they want, when in the end, we are nothing like that. You can only wear the maks for so long before the mask begins to crack and our true self emerges. How much easier it would be if we did this from day one. -I hope your son doesn't fall into the "games" for very long. :)

David- haha, this is why I love you so! You're direct and you're honest. Why is that so hard for some men/women to do? It's a game to them, they get some kind of thrill of knowing that somewhere there is someone who will drop everything to be with them when they call. Pathetic right? I've seen men and women do this. They seem to revel in it, I think it's just mean and cruel. Meh, I'm going to learn to knit and buy a plastic cat (I dont like cats). I already have the rocking chair. ;)

RG- yes!that's exactly what i'm talking about! i would respect the guy a whole hell of a lot more if he were just upfront with me. just as i would be with him. maybe i'll start my own order of nuns... :)

Robyn- Naked twister rocks! ha!

Red Shoes said...


I just commented on another post of yours about when I tell dating stories at work, they all start off with, 'this crazy woman I used to date...'

... and they were too!!!


Yvonne said...

Red- Ha! Yeah yeah yeah, but who makes us that way??? I admit though,"some" women are downright looney tunes. -Be careful! ;)