A Christmas Miracle

What is it about Christmas that makes everyone a little sappier  than usual?  Is it Santa? Is it the elves? Or is it God doing his thing?  I think it's a combination of all of that.  With every tragedy that happens in this world of ours, I think we hang on to Christmas a little bit tighter, hoping and wishing for better times, for better lives, for better, period.  Last night, as I was surrounded by family and close friends, I did a lot of reflecting and reminiscing and took inventory of my life, these past twelve months.  While seemingly, my life is pretty great, there is still room for improvement and change.  And rest assured I'm doing it, making it happen, but as you know, Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.  So these changes and improvements in my life are going to take a little longer, which is fine.  I'm where I need to be right now.  Of course, there are regrets.  Wrongs that cannot be made right.  Words said that can never be taken back...  Maybe it was the nostalgia, or being surrounded by all that warms my heart, or it being Christmas Eve, or maybe even the glasses of wine I had indulged in. Maybe it was all of that, that made me reach out to someone that I had stopped talking to, almost two years ago.  I extended the olive branch and he took it.  And just like that, the past couple of years without him in my life, disappeared.  We cried, we laughed, we got angry and cried some more, we apologized to each other and then laughed again.  It was as if all of the hurt and resentment and pride and anger and accusations, disappeared.  I felt relieved and so very happy.  You have no idea!  It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders.  Immediately, I felt lighter and my heart smiled again.  I think the time we were apart was necessary in a way, to allow us to get over all of those feelings I mentioned.  At least, that's how I like to rationalize it.

I have no idea whether our friendship can ever be the way it was. Nor am I sure that I want it to be that way again.  All I know is that I have my friend back, and he has his friend back, and that's enough.  For now.  My PSA for the day? Right your wrongs.  Forget about the past and the pain.  Life is so short, so precious, don't waste it on anger.  I guarantee you that you will feel a hundred times better, if you just let it go and forgive.  After all, tis the season...

How was your Christmas?  I feel like I've been away for a long time!  It's good to be back.  I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday.  As usual, Santa forgot a few of my things.  I'm seriously going to have to send Mrs. Claus a letter of complaint.  Santa's slacking!  But anyway, humor me, what'd you get for being good all year???

That's it for now kids.  I'm super tired and need to go to bed.  Unlike some of you out there, I have to work tomorrow. Bleh!  But at least it's already hump day.

Cheers!

A Heavy Heart

I was all set to talk about the fabulous week I had and the Christmas parties I attended, and all the shenanigans that go with the holidays, and about a special email I received last night.  But now is not the time for such a post.  Now is the time to grieve, to pray, to come together as a nation, to hug your children, your nieces and nephews, extra tight.  Now is the time, to tell your loved ones that you love them, to embrace them, to forgive, to not harbor ill will.  Now is the time to appreciate every.single.day or your life.  There's enough madness and chaos going on in this world of ours, let's not add to it, by getting involved in meaningless debates on gun control or politics or blame.  NOW IS NOT THE TIME.  I'm so incredibly sad today.  I want to cry, but can't.  The tears just won't come.  I'm crying on the inside.  I just feel heartbroken.  Those poor children, the brave little girls and little boys.  The ones that won't be home for Christmas, or ever again.  It breaks my heart.  What is going on in this world?  What is  going on???

Tonight, when you get home, hug your wife, your husband, your kids. your siblings, your parents, whoever holds your heart, hug them for every parent that won't be able to do that anymore.

Opa!

Over the weekend I attended a wedding in Galveston, Texas.  Two good friends of mine were finally getting married.  The majority of the wedding party and guests live in Houston or Greece, so traveling to the island or G-town, as I so affectionately call it, was  not only mandatory but necessary as well.  I'd never been to a Greek wedding, and wanted to bring out my inner Greek, so what do I do? Why watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding over and over, of course!  Didn't really teach me that much, other than those Greeks like to party almost as much as my Hispanic family.  Oh and of course, Greek men are well, hot.  Which brings me to the my next little anecdote.

Greek God
So while we were all gathered outside of a a quaint little Church, waiting for the wedding party to arrive, guests mingled about, hugging, laughing and talking.  I was engrossed in a serious conversation about the best looking male actor was of all time, when one of the women that I was speaking with, gasped.  She was facing me, but her eyes were looking behind me.  The other two people who were also in the conversation began to laugh.  Which naturally made me very self-conscience.  "Do I have something in my teeth???"  *Lucinda, the girl who gasped, grabbed my hands and said, "Jesus is here!"  to which I looked at her nodding my head slowly, "Yes, Jesus is here, and in the church and he's everywhere..."  The couple standing with us, busted out laughing hysterically.  "No, Yvonne.  Jesus IS here. Turn around."  To which I did. And low and behold,  there he was.  No not the real Jesus.  But this guy, he could have given Jim Caviezel a run for his money.  Serious.  The minister was standing outside, speaking to guests, mingling with the crowd.  He was standing at the foot of the stairs, leading into the church.  The doors were open, and by I don't know if it was divine intervention or just a great photo op, but the light coming out from inside, made it look like there was a halo over the priest's head and that there should be harps and trumpets playing in the background.  Which only made my friends laugh even more.  Now, I've seen my share of good looking priests in my day.  -What? I'm a woman, we notice these things.  But this guy, wow.  He wore the long black dress, was about 5'11, thin, had shoulder length hair (think heavy metal rocker), had the most incredible grey/green eyes, chiseled chin equipped with dimples, when he smiled.  Yes ladies, Greek Gods do exist.

The Wedding
The ceremony was beautiful.  One thing that I noticed right away, was that they do everything in threes.  It is said that they do it so as to symbolize the father, son and the holy spirit.  For instance, the priest blessed them, "The father, son and the holy spirit", but he repeated it three times.  He also spoke about love and respect, and unity.  Very emotional and thought provoking I thought.  The newly weds performed traditional wedding dances and included the wedding party.  It was so much fun to watch.  And of course, there was the obligatory after-party at yours  truly's hotel room.  Did I mention they upgraded me to a suite, (with a fully stocked bar) when I checked in? Yeah.  So needless to say, I was a very popular girl last night.  We partied like rock stars.

The Other Stuff
Thursday morning I woke up to pain.  As soon as I got out of bed, and walked to my dresser, my right ankle cried in pain.  Or maybe it was me that cried.  I looked down and saw that it was as swollen as a football.  So limped around all day like that.  I iced it down at work, kept it elevated, tried to not to walk on it if I could help it.  All the while trying to remember if I fell or hit it the day before.  I had not.  I have no idea what happened.  So Friday comes around and my ankle is still swollen.  Again, I massaged it, elevated it, wrapped it.  And Saturday morning, it was still swollen.  Of course, I'm freaking out.  But do I stay home and miss the wedding? Uh, that would be a negative.  I pack my clothes, reluctantly also pack my ugly flats to wear to the wedding, as opposed to my sexy high heels.  I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but wearing a dress with flats, makes me feel so under-dressed and frumpy.  Bleh.  But I did what I had to do. I rocked the dress though and that's all that matters. :)  Tomorrow morning I'm taking myself to the doctor to see if he can figure out what in the world is going going with my ankle.  I have no time to get sick or get side-lined, I've got Christmas parties to attend this week!  It's also game day for the Texans!  12-1 would be oh so sweet.  Everyone say your prayers!!!

What about you? What did the weekend bode for my bloggies?

Today and Always...

I miss you
still.
So much left unsaid
questions left up in the air
assumptions
resentment
regret.

Moving on was not and is not
easy.
Going through the motions
numb
empty
robotic.

You crushed my heart
but it will mend
slowly
carefully
and I will love again

I miss you
still.

Sappy Tuesday

My heart so full of love 
it overflows 
I long to share with you
but you are not here
Life can be cruel -yvonne

Is it me? Or do the holidays make you super emotional and sappy? -more so than usual.  No? Just me?  Figures.  Well I am, super emotional and extra sappy these days.  Not really in the "woe is me" kind of way. More like, "When is it my turn?" kind of way.  What am I rambling about?  Why, life of course.  And men,  And relationships -with myself and with others.  And self-fulfillment and being happy with yourself and your life.  That's what I'm talking about.  This time of year, for me, is always about taking inventory of the past year and asking myself if I was successful?  Did I reach my goals? Or if I failed, did I learn from my mistakes?  Did I become a better person, daughter, sister, friend, lover? Oh come on, doesn't everyone ask themselves these questions?  Wait.  Don't tell me.  And oh em gee, do I get sappy!  I'm crying at the drop of a hat, everything is so sweet, so romantic, so ridiculously happy.  And that's when it hits me.  I'm alone. I'm not in a serious relationship with anyone.  I guess this time of year just reminds me of that little fact of my life.  And it bugs the hell out of me. I try to get past it because let's be serious, living your life every day in a tizzy because you're not dating anyone is just ridiculous, wouldn't you agree? Yeah, me too.  Ugh.  See what I mean?  I should go hibernate with the bears and resurface in the Spring.  Or whenever they come back out.  I don't even get this way during Valentine's Day.  But not to fret my friends, this is only a temporary bout of insanity.  I'll be fine after the new year.  

Alright.  Enough of that.  It's the first week of December and you know what that means right?  It means starting this coming Saturday, I will turn into a social butterfly until New Year's Day.  This month is always a busy one for me. As some of you may know, lawyers love to party in December. (well, pretty much all year, but in December they go into overdrive)  My boss has given me my list of parties he would like me to attend and "market" our firm, not to mention all of my own parties I plan on attending, strictly for pleasure.  So yeah, it's about to get C-R-A-Z-Y up in here.  Which leaves little time to wallow in a pity party, wouldn't you agree?

I actually feel a lot better having written down my feelings.  Sometimes, that's all you need to pick yourself up.  This is why my blog is so important to me, it's my sanctuary.  Comments or no comments, it's my reasoning in this world of confusion.

Thanks for being so great!  Do me a favor, go out and so something amazing for yourselves.

And remember, Santa's watching.

The Art of Forgiveness

It's been said that in order to be of healthy mind, body and soul, we must first let go of all that is standing in our way.  This includes forgiving all those that have in some way or another, hurt us.  And while I agree that yes, we must forgive in order to have a shot at a normal life,  if we don't forgive ourselves, then everything else, remains the same.  I don't know about you, but I struggle with forgiveness sometimes.  It's easier said than done.  But it is doable.  I was reflecting on my life over the weekend and how I've done thus far and how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.  And I realized that had it not been for me being able to forgive myself, that even if I had forgiven all those people/circumstances that wronged me, I would be a total mess right now. (more than I already am)  And that's a huge deal for me.  The hardest thing about forgiveness though, is that sometimes the ones you love the most, are the very ones that inflict the most pain.  That can be in the form of a family member, a spouse, a significant other, a friend.  Some people are just not able to forgive.  They hold grudges.  They remain angry.  And soon, their anger and negativity starts to trickle down to those around them.  I know someone that is harboring ill will towards their loved ones, and this person will not budge, will not be the bigger person, will not just forgive them and move on.  I'm fairly close to this person, someone I care for very much, but their unrelenting and unforgiving anger, is taking a toll on our friendship.  I simple do not want to be around it.  Is that wrong?  I have talked to them and given them advice and suggestions as to how to go about extending an olive branch to their loved ones.  But it all falls on deaf ears.  So what do I do?  Remain the ever supportive friend? Or bail on them?  Well I didn't actually bail on them.  I mean, I'm still very much their friend, I'm just not as available to them as I normally would be.  While some reading this may think it's a selfish move on my part, I don't.  You know, life is so short to be wasting energy and time on something that just needs to stop.  It just does.  If I continue to stand by this person's side, I will spiral down the same path.  Their anger and bitterness is a like a double edged sword, draining and contagious.  It took me a very long time, years actually, not to mention countless and countless sessions with a therapist, to forgive the person that molested me. But it took me even longer, to forgive myself.  I realized that if I kept the wounds open, they'd be susceptible to more pain.  So I closed them.  I wanted to move forward, to live my life and not carry all of the anger and bitterness that was beginning to consume me.  I was lucky, not everyone can get to that point.  Take my friend for instance, they are quickly isolating themselves from those that care for them the most.  But as many have told me, I can talk the talk and walk the walk and give them all the advice in the world, but until they are ready to let go, nothing I say or do will make a difference.

What about you? Is it easy to forgive?

I've done my share of hurting others over the years and though my actions may not have been intentional, they were hurtful.  It's not something that I'm proud of.  But I would be a hypocrite, if I didn't acknowledge this little fact about myself.  Some of those people that I hurt are no longer in my life, and yet, some still are.  It was not a good thing for my ego, when I realized that I'd been "shunned" from certain people's lives, but I got why they did it.  You see, we can forgive, but that doesn't mean you get to remain in our lives.  And I learned that the hard way.  Was it a bitter pill to swallow? Of course it was.  But in the end, I understood why it was done.  I hope my friend, realizes this, before it's too late.

gobble gobble - the aftermath

I ate too much on Thanksgiving.  Didn't everyone?  (I'm talking to you America) Ugh.  Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean really.  I literally prepared myself for the over indulgence of food that was going to take place later in the week.  I ate like a bird Monday through Wednesday but come Thursday, oh it was on!  Not surprisingly, Friday morning I woke up at the crack of dawn and headed to the gym.  It wasn't pretty, but it had to be done.  I emerged two hours later, drenched in sweat, but proud of myself for sticking to it and not giving in to my inner voice that kept tempting me to leave the gym, with visions of my comfy bed and pillows waiting for me at home.

I had a great holiday!  Enjoyed the extra days off from work and spending time with family and good friends.  Lots of laughs, lots of dancing, lots of adult beverages and a few parties over the weekend, made for an awesome weekend.  Didn't step one foot into any retail shop of any kind either.  Unlike my friends Michelle and Maricela, who did their part to help out the economy by buying out most department stores in the greater Houston area.  -No lie.  So Turkey day 2012 is done.  Was it everything you wanted it to be?
Now, everyone is rushing hastily to get into the Christmas spirit.  But not this girl.  I'm still in post Thanksgiving delirium.  Kinda like right after you have sex and you're just laying there, trying to catch your breath, basking in the "after glow" and enjoying the moment.  Yeah, that's what it's like for me right now, minus the sex part.

Moving on.

How about those Texans???  Good grief!  Last Sunday they went into double overtime and four days later, they do it again.  I'm going to have to start taking my anxiety pills right before each game if they keep playing this way.  Talk about stressing out!  But hey, I'm not complaining.  10 - 1 is ridiculously AMAZING!!!

To your surprise, or delight (it can go either way)  this is all I have tonight.  I know, I know, you're sad. I totally understand and feel your pain.  But I'm exhausted and need to go to bed before I pass out.  You understand don't you?  Thanks, I knew you would!  I promise to have my A game with me next time.

It's a new week kids, make it count!

On my mind...

The Rant
What is the hurry with holidays this year?  First it was Halloween in August.  Then it was Thanksgiving before Halloween even passed.  And now Christmas is all over the Internet, the tv, the department stores, my friends' homes. (yeah, they've put up the tree and decorated already)  What the hell happened to Thanksgiving???  Everywhere I turn, someone is sticking a reindeer or a snowman in my face.  Enough already.  Enough.  What happened to the times where we waited in anticipation of winter break, of holidays, of special occasions?  No one wants to wait anymore. Everything has to happen now.  Ugh!  I want off the insanity train, please.  Thanksgiving is in a few days, and already Christmas music is blaring, Frosty the Snowman is going to air.  TOMORROW.  It's insane.  Don't misunderstand me, I love, absolutely love Christmas.  I love pretty much all of the holidays.  Heck, I'm still having Halloween parties flashbacks.  But I also love to savor and enjoy each one, at their own time.  I don't appreciate nor care to celebrate them all at once.  Does anyone else feel this way? Can I please enjoy Thanksgiving in peace?  I'm pretty sure baby Jesus will not mind.  Really.  And for the shoppers, seriously? Already camping out for Black Friday?  Why? Haven't you heard? Black Thursday is now the norm.  Retailers or as I have come to lovingly call them, "Ebeneezer Scrooges", have decided that their employees must work on Thanksgiving, because closing in observance of this day, will no doubt cause them to go bankrupt.  P-U-H-LEASE!  What's next?  Is nothing sacred anymore?  Personally, I'm going to enjoy spending time with my family and loved ones, and getting my turkey-on, and watching the Houston Texans kick some more ass. And I will not be shopping on Friday or Saturday or Sunday.  I get that life is short.  I get that some of you may be doing all of this out of fear that the Mayans were right in predicting the world will end in December.  But come on y'all, take a moment and breathe.  Take a moment to hug a loved one or  help your neighbor.  To say please and thank you.  Take a moment to live.

Grateful
I just wanted to take moment to tell all of you that follow my blog, how grateful I am to each and every one of you.  This blog is my escape and my sanity.  And all of you have at one time or another, have helped me through some pretty crazy times in my life.  Whether you realize it or not.  So I wish a wonderful Thanksgiving and blessings to all!

Football
In case you haven't heard, the Houston Texans are now 9 and 1 baby! The huge sigh of relief and elation could be heard throughout our fair city when they finally beat a pretty bad team, the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Today's game brought heart palpitations to all new high and drove some of us me to drink (more than usual). Our defense sucked. Everyone saw it. But in the end, we pulled out the win anyway.  Thank God.  We get to do this again in four days, when they play on Thanksgiving.  I think we are going to need defibrillators for that one.

The End
There.  I think I got everything off my chest that I wanted to. (for now)

Have a great week! It's a short one, make it count!

Gobble gobble.

A Night To Remember and A Day To Forget

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise" -Paul McCartney/The Beatles

I was on the receiving end of a double dose of bad news today.  One from a dear friend of mine, who was diagnosed with something that may or may not be cancerous.  Her biopsy is scheduled for next week.  She is a bundle of nerves and  I am scared for her.  Then there is my sister.  She is hurting right now.  Not physically, her wounds are emotional.  She is teetering on the brink of despair and I feel so helpless.  I am worried about her, about both of them.  I wish I could take their aches away.  But I can't.  Not these kinds of aches. Life is just unfair sometimes.  I don't get it.  I mean, I try to "get it", and most times, I do, but in instances such as these I just mentioned, I am  at a loss. Today was a sad day.  But I'm certain that tomorrow will be full of hope and new ideas and endless possibilities.  And laughter.  Laughter works miracles.

You know what else works miracles?  Music.  Last night I attended the most amazing concert, EVER.  I was among the forty thousand something fans who braved an open roof stadium, on a crisp, cold, winter night, to witness a legend give a performance of a lifetime.  Paul McCartney came to town!  This was my first time seeing him perform.  The last  time he was here was in 1993, where he played at the Astrodome.  I remember that I had tickets to that show, but my appendix decided I didn't really need to go see some guy from Liverpool, but instead, needed to go to the hospital.  So I missed it.  And now, some twenty years later, I found myself squealing like a school girl, singing along to EVERY.SONG., and witnessing some pretty fierce talent on stage.  In typical celebrity style, Sir Paul McCartney was fashionably late.  Like 45 minutes late.  Which really isn't that bad, considering Madonna made us wait 2 and half hours for her arrival.  Anyway, back to Paul.  He took the stage and immediately started belting out his signature songs, one after another after another.  The guy has this energy and presence that not only entertains you, but mesmerizes you as well.  After his first set, he took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves of his white business shirt, and got down to work.  Jokingly, as he removed his jacket, he told us that that would be the one and only wardrobe change for the evening.  Which drew resonating cheers of approval from the crowd.  The evening wore on with hit after hit being sung to us.  At McCartney's insistence, the roof to the stadium was open.  Normally, that would not be a problem, but last night it was freezing cold in H-town.  Ok, maybe it wasn't really freezing, but you have to understand, we don't do cold weather here, anything below 70 degrees is cold to us.  Actually, last night we were hovering at 30 degrees, coupled with the high winds, uh yeah, it was freaking cold!!! Especially since yours truly only wore a very thin turtleneck and no jacket.  What? I had no idea that roof was going to be open!  Paul needed an open sky so he could shoot off pyro during "Live and Let Die"  One of  my dear, but sarcastic friends told me last night, "Wow! There haven't been fireworks in these parts since the Astros won the pennant in 2005!"  Everybody's got jokes.

I thought I'd share some pictures that a friend of mine took at the show.  Enjoy them.  Or not.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY peeps!  Make it count!

football, boys, and faith, or? how i spent my weekend

happy monday mi gente.  (that's "my people" in spanish)  or what's left of monday anyway.  what's up in your lives?  so the start of a new week is upon us.  i don't know about you, but i'm in serious denial about the fact that thanksgiving is next week!  next.week.  don't misunderstand, i love turkey day.  it's just that time is flying by so fast it's making me dizzy.  or maybe it's just my ongoing bout with vertigo that's making me dizzy.  i digress.

the weekend
let's see, where to begin?  i went to a friend's birthday party friday night.  i was so tired from my crazy work week, that i almost bailed on the party.  but fearing severe repercussions from the birthday boy, i sucked up my tiredness and went.  and i'm glad i did.  i had the best time!  it was held at a restaurant in midtown.  after the dinner crowd thins out, the band takes the stage, the music starts, the lights are dimmed, and viola!  a pseudo night club emerges, complete with bright lights and men in dark suits, feigning the look of respectable body guards.  when i arrived, the birthday boy was already feeling no pain.  so what do i do?  bought him a shot, naturally.  this guy.  this guy has tons of female friends.  and it seemed like every single one he's ever known was there that night.  seriously. strangers kept asking who he was, thinking he was some kind of celebrity or something.  he's a great guy.  hails from new york (it's okay, he's not a mets fan), is of salvadoran descent and is a very good friend to all.  i love him to pieces!  we danced the night away.  literally.  i swear by the time i got off the dance floor my legs felt like jelly.  it was  like i had just endured an hour of zumba, but in dressy clothes and heels, not workout clothes. good times, good times.

sunday-funday
this glorious day began with brunch in the company of one of the musketeers, complete with mimosas of course.  then she and i went to see a play at a local theater.  the play was called "girls only: the comedy secret of women" -it was a two women act show and it was hilarious!  i laughed so hard my stomach hurt.  the play is about women in various stages of their lives beginning with puberty and ending with senior citizen status. there was trash talk involving men. -did you have any doubt there wouldn't be?  and there was audience participation as well, so you can just imagine the zaniness that ensued.  after the play, we headed to to a local bar to meet-up with maricela (the missing musketeer) to watch the texans destroy da bears. and oh.em.gee did they ever!  the game was played in chicago. the weather conditions were deplorable.  hello? can you say, retractable roof??? we're spoiled here in houston.  but not to worry, not to worry.  my boys conquered rain, wind and slippery ground and in the end, beat the chicago bears 13-6.  that's right america, the texans are now 8-1.  take THAT espn!

But it was not all about football yesterday in my fair city.  as you know, or may have heard, we're a pretty diverse town.  there was another type of important game taking place here yesterday.  soccer.  the houston dynamo came from behind to beat d.c. united 3-1 in the first leg of the eastern conference finals.  they are undefeated at home.  un-de-feat-ed -got that?  good.  i was not a big soccer fan until we acquired a professional soccer team and i saw some of the players. um, can you say HOT???  i think it is an unwritten rule that soccer players must be good looking.  i mean, i may not know all of their names, but dammit if i do know how they look! and i'm not just talking about houston's players, i'm referring to soccer teams everywhere.  sigh, so many, so many...

moving on.

yesterday in spite of my busy social calendar, i managed to make it to church.  and while i don't normally write about my religion or my faith that often, tonight i just felt the need to do so.  so indulge me. pretty please?

the sermon was about faith. in ourselves, in our god, in the world around us.  the priest asked if we only had faith when times became difficult or is that the time that our faith diminishes?  he wasn't referring only to our belief or our faith in god.  he was referring to our every day life.  for example, in our jobs or in someone we know.  do we give them/it/us the benefit of the doubt and trust everything will be okay? or do we automatically assume that they/it/we will fail?  i guess that really strung a chord with me because i'm going through a lot of inner turmoil with certain things going on in my life right now.  but how i deal with it, is what actually saves me from falling down that ever present dark hole of mine.  and that is, by my faith.  not just in god, but in myself.  i've been learning to trust my decisions, to trust myself and believe in what i'm doing.  believe in me.  perhaps some of you reading this are thinking i'm full of baloney or just a little crazy.  well, guess what? i am. sometimes i'm full of baloney, and sometimes, a little crazy.  (act surprised) but really, i struggle with believing in myself a lot. i've done so since i was young.  i know a lot has do with my self-esteem issues and the subsequent issues that followed me into adulthood.  and let me tell you something, it's taken a long, long, long time for me to learn to accept this about myself.  it's a huge step for me.  which brings me back to the sermon at church yesterday.  do you walk by faith?  now don't go getting all your undies in a knot.  i'm not preaching to you or at you or asking you to tell me about religion.  i'm merely asking if you live your lives just by watching it pass by or by actually believing in yourself to get you to where you want to be in life, or with your career or with your significant other.  that's what i'm asking.  i think the election rattled me more than i thought.  here we are almost a week later, and the hate and the anger and insults that people were spewing, has not died down.  on the contrary, it seems to be getting worse.  we are so divided, it's really sad.  but i have faith in humanity that somehow, some way, everything will work out.

boys
come on, you didn't think i was going to end on a such a serious note did you?  no matter how old they are, or think they are or act like they are, men will never cease to make me want to pull my hair out. never.  so on saturday i ran into an old friend.  we mostly keep in touch via the occasional email or shout out on fb.  he lives in another city. was home for the weekend. ran into him on saturday afternoon, had lunch with him and  had a great time catching up.  boy left pouting because i refused to go back to his hotel room with him.  called me a prude.  did i mention he has a wife? um, yeah.   ugh.  can't a woman be friendly to a man without the man all of sudden thinking that he was going to get lucky? and he was married for crying out loud!  i know his wife very well.  wtf is that about?  needless to say, it left me feeling very dejected and just plain sick.  later that same evening boy text messaged me and apologized. said he had had too much to drink.  he had one beer.  asked me to please not mention this little misunderstanding to his wife.  of course he did.  i now want to go out and by yarn and learn how to knit and get a fake cat ( i loathe cats), sit in my rocking chair and make scarves for the rest of my life.  just me and my pretend cat.  stupid boys.

the end.

now aren't you glad you stopped by to visit?  :)

...Sweet Land of Liberty...

Election day is only hours away for our country.  More than any other election that I have ever voted in, I feel this one, will be the most important one in my life.  Why? Because the world is in turmoil.  There is unrest and the masses are not only restless, but downright hateful as well.  What? It's true.  One only has to scroll down my Facebook news feed to see the spite and mud slings being flung about.  Friends and family alike are taking things to the personal level and tempers are flaring. Or watch the local news and/or CNN or the Internet.  I wish it was already Wednesday morning, so I could un-hide all of the people I've hidden on Facebook or purposely avoided during this election year.  It's not that I don't like a good political debate among friends, I do.  What I don't like and  have a problem with is the ignorance and downright idiotic things that these people (some who are close friends and/or family) spew.  It's like arguing with a child.   Example:  "I think my picture is better than your picture."  "Uh uh, MY picture is better than yours!", "You better take that back and like my picture best!",  "No you take it back and like MINE the best!" ----and on and on and on.  Yeah, that's what it's like with some of the people that I know.  They argue for the sake of arguing, offering no objectives, no proof, nothing to substantiate their beliefs or their arguments.  But I digress.  The purpose of tonight's blog was merely supposed to express how emotional I am about this particular election.  It's a scary world out there people.  Everyone needs to do their part and vote.  If you aren't voting, and are registered, why the hell not??? If you aren't registered, why the hell aren't you???  One of my  coworkers, is a twenty-nine year old single woman.  She's an American citizen, born and raised here in Houston.  She has NEVER voted in any election.  EVER.  ----Can you explain that to me???  I was beside myself when she told me.  We were discussing how some employees were going to be late tomorrow or leave early from work, in order to go vote.  I offered to cover the employees during lunch time, so they could have a chance to go and do their civic duty.  (I early voted last week)  Well, she turns to me and says she will not be late because she will not be voting.  She's not registered, never has been and probably never will be.  -Her words verbatim.  Her reasons were poor excuses.  "My vote won't count anyway",  "Nothing is going to change", "I don't care"  That one bothered me the most.  "I-DON'T-CARE"  

-and therein lies the problem with our country.  Most people, "don't care".  I collected my thoughts and took a lot of deep breaths, before poking her in the eye smiling at her and saying, "Cool.  So you'll be here on time then?"  and walked away.

I'll be frank with you, politics bore the hell out of me.  But I live in a country that is free and great and strong.  Maybe we're a little broken right now.  But certainly not shattered.  Not dead.  If we don't participate, who will?  This is why I vote.  This is why I encourage every American to vote, regardless of your political stance.

That same coworker later asked me, "How can you care so much?"  to which I retorted, "How can you not?"    

Good bye October

Happy Halloween bloggies! How is everyone tonight? So did you go trick-or-treating or watch scary movies?  Do tell!

When last we met, I was in a tizzy about trying to find the perfect socks to go with my costume.  You will be glad to know that I did indeed, find them.  If I don't chicken out by the time I finish this post, I will show you the picture where I channel my inner Shirley Temple. Maybe.

This past weekend was all about the Halloween parties.  I attended two on Saturday night.  The first party was at the home of a dear  friend of mine.  The theme was "Haunted Hollywood" -go as your favorite dead movie star.  They had a red carpet at the front of their house and spotlights.  Fancy...The only catch to be allowed in was that you had to take a canned good to get into the party.  At the end of the night, the hosts would load the boxes of canned goods collected onto a truck and deliver them to the Houston Food Bank, which is a local organization to help the hungry.  I thought it was a genius idea! .My friends tell me they collected four boxes worth of canned goods plus some anonymous monetary donations.  Is that cool or what? So anyway, M&M (Michelle and Maricela aka my partners in crime) and I, took pictures with every person at that party I think. Michelle tends to get camera happy sometimes.  Heh.  People were very creative with their costumes.  I dressed up as Shirley Temple, Michelle was Bonnie minus Clyde, Maricela was Cleopatra.  But we saw Elvis, his brother Elvis and his other brother Elvis!  Frank Sinatra was there too, as was Audrey Hepburn, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Lucy and Desi, Carmen Miranda and on and on, it was a star studded event complete with a live band, singing and lots of dancing.

Party No. 2 was held at another friend's home and it was also a hit.  There were games to be played, karaoke to be sung and scary stories to be told.  The weather could not have been more perfect.  As most of you know, I live in Houston, where our schizophrenic temperatures wreak havoc with our lives but even more upsetting, our hair!  But Saturday night, it was as if the Great Pumpkin himself, asked the weather gods to be kind to us.  The temperatures were in the low 50s, it was cold, windy and crisp!  I should know, the air going up my dress kept reminding me all night.  The most interesting costume at this party was a friend of mine who happens to be male, dressed as a woman.  But we couldn't really tell what woman. He donned a blond wig with ringlets that rivaled my own, wore a cute sundress with a blue jean jacket and his boots.  HILARIOUS.  By the end of the night he was answering to Honey Boo Boo, Betty Sue and Ugly Barbie.  His make up was even perfect.  Well, it was until he got plastered and ruined it.  Sunday was all about recuperating and reliving the funnies of the night before.  I'm still having flashbacks!  Tonight I met up with the girls and we headed to a Halloween Happy Hour.  And it was there that I saw him.  No, not the infamous "HIM", this him, was Indiana Jones.  IN.THE.FLESH.  Ok, ok, not the real Indy, but he was close enough. I couldn't pass the opportunity for a photo op, so I grabbed Michelle and we stalked approached him and asked if he would mind taking a picture with me.  He  flashed a Colgate smile and proceeded to scoop me up in his arms, asking, "How's this for a picture?"  I was at a loss for words (it happens sometimes, believe it or not) Michelle took the picture and we bid him adieu.  But not before chatting with him and making plans to meet up this weekend.  What? I was networking.

And so boys and girls, that is how I spent my weekend and my Halloween night.

 I would be remiss if I did not mention the devastation that Hurricane Sandy has wrought on New York and the surrounding areas.  My heart breaks for each life that was taken as well as for all of the people who have lost their homes be it to the flooding or fires. Watching the news and seeing how the subways  are now submerged under water and full of debris, scares me.  It's alarming and unsettling, that this can happen to a city that is so vibrant, strong and alive.  Once again, the city is brought to it's knees.  This time however, it was not by an act of terrorism, but rather, an act of nature.  Relentless and unbiased mother nature.

 The aftermath always seems more daunting and at times, hopeless.  At least that's been my experience with hurricanes and tropical storms.  But things will get better, you just have to keep telling yourself that over and over.  Godspeed New York.  Godspeed.

Good bye October, you've been simply grand.  See you next year.

But wait. There's more...

 Go ahead, laugh. I did.  :)

Awakened Inhibition

The black lace stockings caressed my skin, gingerly, almost like a feather.  The black stilettos, bold and daring and very unlike me.  I stared back at the woman in the mirror, not recognizing her.  Who was this seductress staring back?  I had prepared all day for this, from the heavier make-up, to the tousled hair, to the black, satin, cleavage down to there, bra,  Panties were not necessary.  Per his request.  I looked back to the bed, where he was laying.  Spent.  Exhausted.  Satisfied.

No one knew I was doing this for money.  No one knew this side of me.  I didn't even know it myself, until tonight.

Grinning, I made my way back to him, kissed his forehead, gathered my things and left.

As I drove home, I glanced at the wad of money in my purse.  Not bad for a forty-five year old wife, mother of two and president of the PTA.  Not bad at all.
_______________________________________________________________________
From Write on Edge: This week we asked you to use this photograph to inspire your post in whichever direction your mind should wander.  You had only your imagination (for fiction writers) and your experiences (for memoir writers) to limit where you took this piece...oh and 450 words.
(Image courtesy of Sebastian Dooris (via Flickr Creative Commons)

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Sunday, Halloween and Knee-highs

Happy Sunday Fun day everyone!  What's the good word?  Annnd, exhale.  At least, that what I just did.  Sundays always make me antsy, my mind races to the new work week ahead, the worries that consume my time, the anticipation of the weekend.  You know, the usual.  What? Doesn't everyone freak out before the start of a new week?

Have I mentioned that I love the month of October?  I really, really do.  Besides the obvious and most important reason (duh! My birthday), I also love it because Fall is around the corner (or in Houston's case, somewhere between now and December)  but most of all, I love it because it's time for Halloween.  The pumpkin patches, the costume hunting, the parties, the scaring little kids -don't act like you don't enjoy doing it.  See? What's not to love about October?

So I had a really nice, quiet kind of weekend.  This was the first time in about six weeks that I had NOTHING planned.  Shocking isn't it?  I know, I know.  I chilled at home on Friday night, watched A Streetcar Named Desire -an old fave of mine, and drank some wine.  Saturday I had to work half a day, then I scurried all over town, searching for accessories for my Halloween costume.  I've got two parties next weekend and my costume is still not complete.  There are several costume places in and around Houston.  But by far, my favorite store is one that's been around for years and years.  It used to be set up in a small department store kind of place, (think a Chevron gas station, minus the people outside begging for money and the gasoline tanks.  That's how small that place used to be)  but they quickly outgrew it and bought a huge lot in the outskirts of downtown.  When I say huge, I mean ENORMOUS!  They built a warehouse and moved their tiny store to their new home.  It's filled with rows and rows of costumes, accessories, costume make-up, more than eager employees to help you find your perfect mask.  Anything you need  for Halloween, you will likely find it there.  I love going there this time of year.  (Yes it's open year round.  What can I say?  Costumes are in high demand on a daily basis, here in the H.  Alright fine! Some Htowners are freaks ok?)  Anyway, so Saturday afternoon, I found myself there in a tizzy.  See, I'm going to dress as Shirley Temple this year.  I have the dress, the shoes, the gloves and the hat.  I am missing the lollipop and the knee-highs.  Which was what I was in a tizzy about.  I'm wearing a sailor girl dress, similar to the one Shirley Temple wore in the movie, Bright Eyes, when she sang "Good Ship Lollipop".  The socks I need have to be a certain kind, with a certain color bow.  But the store was out of my color and my size and I started freaking out.   After spending over an hour in there, not just freaking out, but looking at all the costumes and people watching, wondering what kind of party they were going to, was it a themed party? What was their costume going to be? -Stuff like that.  Yes I know, I'm nosy.  I left there slightly dejected, but determined to find my socks. And I will.

I had a kids Halloween party later that afternoon to go to.  One of my oldest and dearest friend, has a seven year old son, and every year she has a Halloween party for the kiddos.  She always invites me even though I don't have kids of my own.   We are child-hood friends and one of my nephews is friends with her son.  So I get to go.  Yay!  Those parties are always so much fun!  I love watching the munchkins parade around in their costumes.  Yesterday I saw Rapunzel, a human hot dog, Peter Pan, Batman, a Lady bug, Princess Fiona, and some ninjas.  My nephew Ethan, was a green Ninjago.  They also had an intense pumpkin carving contest.  When I say intense, I am referring to the parents of course.  Never have I seen such looks of determination on their faces!  It was nail-biting to say the least.  But in the end, my sissy won first place!  And yes I squealed like a little kid.  What? She annihilated those parents She did a great job! All in all, it was a great day and I ended it by writing not one, not two, but THREE chapters in my almost completed novel!  I didn't go to sleep until 4:00 this morning, but damn I'm proud of myself! Good stuff, good stuff.

Today I woke up at what felt like the crack of dawn, but I think it was more like 6 hours later.  I had to get my church on and then go and meet M&M at a local sports bar to watch the Texans kick some Raven ass!  The boys came through and won 43-13.  Ahh, the thrill of victory!

And so here I am, typing away, hopefully amusing some of you good people.  But enough about me, what's going on with you?

You know the drill, make it a great week!

now THAT was a party!

Where to begin? Where to begin?  I suppose since I have to start somewhere, the beginning would be nice, right?  Alrighty then.  When last we met, I was in a tizzy about my upcoming birthday.  Unlike in the past, I was not looking forward to celebrating or even acknowledging it.  Which that in itself is a big shocker, since I am ALL about celebrating my birthday! So much so, that I start celebrating the last week of September all the way through the last week of October.  Seriously. Ask my friends.  It's fun! I love the month of October, it's my favorite time of the year.  But alas, this year I just wanted to crawl into a rock and sleep until the day was over.  Maybe it was because I'm still trying to figure out what Yvonne's life is supposed to be, or maybe because I have yet to face certain issues/situations, that need to be faced, in order to move forward.  Or maybe it's because I get down in the dumps because I am not dating or seeing someone that gives me warm and fuzzy feelings.  Sigh... I was all ready to just go into the Witness Protection Plan until my birthday was over, when my sidekicks, Michelle and Maricela, went into Operation Birthday Palooza 2012 mode.  These girls talked a good game and somehow threatened me with bodily harm convinced me to see the error of my ways.  Which I finally did.  So in no time, a party was planned, and my calendar soon filled up with activities for the entire month!  I have been a social butterfly these past few weeks, let me tell you!

My Birthday Party -The Aftermath

The festivities began last Saturday evening.  My sister was my designated driver.  She and I met M&M at their apartment for pre-festivities drinks.  From there, we all piled into my sister's car and drove away.  Destination:  Downtown Houston, to a swanky bar/club.  We were quickly moved to the front of the line (much to the guffaws of those left in line) and escorted into the premises.(it pays to know people that KNOW people)  The atmosphere was electric.  The music intoxicating.  We quickly found our spot, up close and at the front of the stage (is there any other place, really?) The band took the stage, my guests began trickling in, a lot of hugs and best wishes, a lot of offers to buy me drinks, from strangers even!   We're VERY friendly here in H-town you know.  Lots of dancing, lap dances on stage and other shenanigans. What's that?  Oh yeah, you read correctly.  I wrote, LAP DANCES ON STAGE -given to yours truly and from yours truly.  Scandalous I say!  Ok so here's how it went down.  I was minding my own business, talking to some friends, who had driven from Austin that afternoon, just to be with me.  When all of a sudden, the singer of the band, and owner of the club, starts calling out for birthday people to get on stage. I ignored the numerous attempts from my family and friends alike, to go up there.  I had NO intention of doings so thank you very much!  But my friends being my friends, practically carried me to the steps, so I could walk up and join the other birthday peeps.  When I walked up, the percussionist, who happens to be a friend of mine and Beyonce's former percussionist (true story), leads me to the side of the stage, away from the others.  They go through the whole shspeel of telling the singer your name and then dancing for him as he sang to you.  Well, then it was MY turn.  I just wanted it to be over and get off that stage, but no, no, that would have been too easy.  And as you know, nothing is easy when it comes to moi.  After they escorted the last person before me, down from the stage, Scott, the singer, pull up a chair from out of nowhere and plops in it. Keep in mind, this is on stage, while they are performing, in front of friends and family and complete strangers.  The crowd is going crazy, chanting and clapping and having a great ol time at me expense.  He's smiling at me and waiting for me to dance for him. That's right, dance for him.  "The quicker you dance Yvonne, the quicker you can get off the stage!" At least, that's what I kept telling myself.  So, armed with a lot of liquid courage and just plain terror, I began sauntering over to and made my moves.  I danced in front of him, I danced around the chair, I touched his face and his chest, and then I sat on his lap and gave him a hug.  I learned that night, that should things go south for me at work , I may have found alternative options.  Fer real.  He smiles and wishes me a happy birthday and stands up.  Thinking foolishly that I was done, I start walking towards the steps to get down. But no, no, again, that would just be too easy.  I like things the hard way, apparently.  Scott grabs my hand and sits me down in the chair where he had just been sitting, and then steps to the side.  All of a sudden one of the musicians stands in front of me and begins shoving his butt in my face -uh yeah.  Then, another musician comes and starts dancing very, very provocatively behind me, and this one wanted physical contact, because he grabbed my hands and started swaying them back and forth.  Finally it stops and I again, breathe a sigh of relief, only to be surprised AGAIN, this time by some random guy from the crowd.  A big, football player looking kind of guy who was wearing reflector sunglasses.  -because he's cool like that, I guess.  This guy pries my legs ajar, with his legs and is quickly gyrating and giving me more action than I've seen in a while.  Ha.  By far, he was the best dancer, technique wise,  I mean.  Wink, wink.  Finally, it was over and I was led down the steps.. My friends acted as if I had just homered at a baseball game, they kept high-fiving me so much!  I was sent over many drinks and shots from fellow friendly H-towners.  I told you we were nice.  The rest of the night we danced it away and then like Cinderella, made a mad dash to leave.  We went back to Michelle and Maricela's place and proceeded to laugh and laugh at the night's craziness.  It was an unforgettable night and so worth the hangover I had the following morning. 

My actual day of birth was last Wednesday.  It was a great day! I worked but was taken to lunch, received flowers, and then that evening, had dinner with my family.  I was so excited because all of my nieces and nephews were with me.  It;'s very rare that we are all together at one time.  (usually around holidays)  So this was a special treat for me.  My facebook page looked like someone spilled confetti all over it.  I had over 150 wishes from friends and family.  I am loved.  It made me feel very special. And I am grateful for that.

So I've conquered the fear of turning forty-six.  I stared it in the face and growled at it.  Age is just a number.  And right now I feel twenty-nine.

poetic monday

I'm extra emotional and sentimental these days.  It's coming up on the one year anniversary of the demise of what was once a beautiful friendship.  Or, a friendship gone bad.  So, because this person has been on my mind lately, I wrote this.  It's in Spanish but I tried my best to translate it.  However, as you and I both know, something always gets lost in translation.  Especially in the Spanish language.  It's a very longing and sad piece.  Full of melancholy.  At any rate, here is the way I originally wrote it and below is the loosely translated version.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Todo Un Año..

Como te hecho de menos

hace casi un año que se de ti

que escuche tu voz, por ultima vez

Las lagrimas terminaron

pero parte de mi corazon

sigue basillo

Tu ausencia me persigue hasta en mis sueños

Cuanto te extraño

Eres ya parte de mi pasado

Pero nunca te olvidare

Bien o mal

Siempre, siempre te amare.

________________________________________________________ 

How I miss you so!

It’s been almost a year that I heard your voice

for the last time

The tears are long gone

but part of my heart is still empty

Your absence follows me

even in my dreams

You are now part of my past

But I will never forget you

Good or bad

I’ll always, always love you

Vintage

Tonight, (Saturday) I was supposed to have my big birthday bash.  The sexy dress bought weeks ago, the killer shoes ready to be shown off, and make me look taller in the process, the proper undergarments laid just so, the hair, cut and styled, and what happens? Rain happens.  A.WHOLE.LOT.OF.RAIN.  The party was being co-hosted by the Musketeers, aka as Michelle and Maricela.  We decided that the dismal weather was not going to let up and rather than having to be out in that crazy mess, we rescheduled The Trifecta Party, for next Saturday.  Yes we named it.  You see, our birthdays are so close together that we decided to have one big party, rather than three separate ones.  So I named it The Trifecta Party.  -Pretty cool right?  Right.  Just agree with me dammit!  But alas, there were grumblings from the masses.  As soon as I posted it on Facebook (because you know it's not really real, until that's done), my phone started blowing up with calls and texts and oh yes, of course my wall on Facebook. Some of our invited guests were just beside themselves with ire, for the date change.  Some were ok with it and others even welcomed the changed date.  Especially the ones that had previously declined.  Now, they will be able to make it.  My sister included.  See?  A silver lining in everything.

And so, since the only logical thing to do on a rainy Saturday night is to open a bottle of wine and write, here I am.  I've got a little jazz playing in the background and the rain outside, to complete my version of:  "Fun Saturday night".

NOT.A.WORD.

Let's move on.  So earlier in the day, after working on one of my stories for a few hours, I took a break and just sat on my sofa, and watched the rain fall.  My mind wandered to what else?  Men, of course.  I thought it apropos to take an inventory of the men that have come and gone in my life, on this the third day before my birthday. No not the notches on my bedpost.  Get your mind out of the gutter, freaks.  I'm talking about my ENTIRE roster of men, ever.  I gotta tell you, I impressed myself.  Seriously.  Not that there are that many, no, I am referring to the fact that with the exception of two men, all of the others have been much, much younger than me.  Wow!  The youngest man I dated was 15 years my junior.  We had amazing sex. He hailed from New York but loved his Mets, -I overlooked that because of the great sex thing, had a great accent (not all NY'ers do) and knew what he was doing, in every sense of the word.  Then there was the lawyer guy.  He was 9 years my junior.  He taught me how to gut a fish.  He was also the most incredible human being I have ever met.  Then of course, there was HIM, he was 11 years my junior.  He was my "bad boy", and he made me feel things, I never thought possible.  I fell in love with that one.  We didn't date.  Our pseudo relationship was merely for encounters of the sexual kind.  At least, in the beginning.  Then my emotions got in the way and things went, well, they went.  He was sexy as hell, and loved Shakespeare and the Beasties.  And he kissed like one I've ever known.  Sigh...  If I continue going down this path, I am going to need a shower and/or a therapy session soon.  Let me stop now.

You're welcome.

 I've come to the conclusion that at my ripe old age of 45 (for a few more days anyway)  I am just as baffled with this species, as I ever was.  While they are amazing creatures, I can't seem to crack the code that will lead me to the man I am supposed to be with.  Don't misconstrue, I have a blast meeting them and dating them, but as you know, after a while, even the most tempting apple, goes stale.  As I've gotten cough, older, cough.(boy that hurt me) I've become more selective, I take my time but I don't waste my time either.  Mine or his.  Fair is fair after all.   If I'm interested, I tell him.  If I'm not, I tell him.  I don't have time to play games.  I don't want to actually.  Life is short and games get manipulated and often times, someone inevitably winds up getting hurt.   A close friend of mine asked me recently, how that was working out for me -this new way of dating.  She was being sarcastic of course.  I've not dated anyone long term, in ages.  I had a few dates with Ball Cap Guy No. 2 recently, but that fizzled rather quickly.  Nothing bad happened, it just didn't work out.  So now, I've got my married friends, scurrying about, trying to find one of their "single" friends.  You know, the endangered species -as I like to refer to us.  While I appreciate the gesture, I cringe at the thought of yet another blind date or set-up.

This wine is delish!  You can never go wrong with a nice glass of Malbec.

Where was I? Oh yeah, men.  Hmm, I am just going to continue enjoying the ride.  Whatever happens, happens and go with that.  I'm sure there will be more inventory of my life in the next couple of days.  I do this every year.  Look at what I've done, what I haven't done.  It's not always pretty to be accountable to yourself.  But it's something, I believe, that is necessary for us to live happily.  It's a kind of cleansing, if you will.  Does that make sense?  Lie and say it does.

Alright kids, I've babbled on long enough.  I'm about to finish this glass of vino and jump into bed.

Do me a favor, have a great Sunday.

Ciao!

A whole lot of nothing...

the night has fallen

it's so quiet i can hear my heart beat

this is when my mind starts racing 

i can't make it stop

sometimes,

i don't really want to

i wonder if other insomniacs go through this as well

wondering

thinking

regretting

longing

worrying

battling inner demons

as tired as my body is

my mind is on overdrive

do you miss me at all?

are you sorry?

was everything a lie?

i miss you

and i'm sorry

and nothing was a lie

stressing 

debating

plotting

rambling

it's what i do best at 12:49 a.m.

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The Name Game and Other Stuff

I see Wednesday in the not so distant horizon.  Excuse me while I do the "happy dance" around my room.  Ok, I'm done.  Thanks for indulging me.  What's up kids?  New week, new possibilities.  That's my mantra for the week, what's yours?

So, as some of you know, I am a paralegal and work for a kind of "mom and pop" shop, in H-town.  Our law clerk recently took the bar exam and is awaiting the results to be released, before he can officially be named the firm's newest associate.  Oh wait.  He's the ONLY associate.  Anyway, we were sitting around  fervently working yesterday, when my boss emailed me and told me that when I ordered the business cards for Robert (our law clerk), to make sure and put Stefan not Robert.  Uh, huh?  So I went to the source and asked him what he was smoking what in the world was he talking about.  That is when I learned that Robert's real name is Stefan but he's always liked the name Robert and so, that's what everyone calls him.  Even his wife.  However, in all legal documents, drivers license, etc., he is "Stefan".  Which brings me to my next little story, come on, you knew it was coming....

A few years ago, I was working at a different law firm, and our runner's name was Hector. One day, he walked into the office and informed everyone that he was now going to be called by his real name, Joshua.  Right.  Hmm, wait don't stop reading yet.  I've got yet another one for you.  I dated a guy  back in my twenties, that told me his name was Sandro (no typo there).  So "I" chose to call him Marcos.  Ha.  Ok, not really, I only called him Marcos in my head.  But you see where I'm going with this right?  No?  Ok, WHY would someone with a perfectly good name want to be called something other than well, their real name? I get nicknames.  I do.  I mean, I have a ton of nicknames that friends and family enjoy calling me.  But to go from Mark to Hector or Jim to Fred or something like that, well that's just baffling.  Isn't it? No? Meh.  I'm not very creative this evening I'm afraid so this is all you get.  Humor me.

What's going on in your world?  I came off from a fabulous weekend.  We celebrated one of the Musketeers birthdays.  Sure her birthday was last Tuesday, and sure, we went out that night to commemorate the anniversary of her birth, only to be followed by a weekend at the Hotel Galvez in Galveston. -Sun, fun, beach, pool, cute boys, and lots of adult beverages. What more could we ask for?  Why, a repeat of events of course! This coming weekend is the other Musketeer's birthday.  For that auspicious occasion, we are hitting the road to San Antonio.  I call that upcoming trip: Triple Trouble.  -come on, what else would you call three crazy  innocent women on a road trip? Exactly.  Stay tuned for updates or requests for bail money.  Kidding.  Maybe.

Ok, so I have Jay Leno on for background noise right now.  And Justin Timberlake is on.  I don't care what anyone says, I find him to be quite sexy.  He brought it back, for goddsakes!

Enough.

Thanks for hanging out with me for a bit.  You're all the best!

this is what happens when i can't sleep

I should be sleeping but I'm not.  Obviously.  Instead I'm here, in front of my computer, typing away aimlessly.  I'm restless and my mind is overflowing with things to do, problems that need solving, pondering life, mine and in general.  You know, the usual stuff that seems to invade my head on a Sunday night.  Er, early Monday morning now.  So last week, I wrote about how I am kind of anxiety ridden about my upcoming birthday.  Remember?  It's okay, just lie and say you do.  Anyway, that got me thinking of course, about where I am in my career, in my life, what I want out of it, what I need to change, in order for these things to happen, why I'm still single.  Boom.  And there it was.  The underlying reason for my birthday angst. I am tired of being alone.  I am tired of dating idiots who just don't get it.  I am tired of being everything to everyone else, but nothing to myself.  A friend of mine asked me recently, if I was happy with me.  Sadly, I answered no.  And I'm not.  I pretend to be.  There is a mask I wear every day.  It portrays someone that is smiling always, happy, ready to dance, to sing, to act like a fool, to be your cheer leader, your confidante. But when I get home, I take the mask off, and see myself as I really am.  And you know what?  I'm really tired of what I see.  I don't want to wear the mask anymore.  I don't want to "need" to wear it anymore.  Does that make sense?  Don't get me wrong, I love life, and everything that I have, what I'm having trouble loving, is myself.  And therein lies the problem.  It's a work in progress. Every.Day.  So how can I possibly make someone else happy, if I can't make myself happy? Yeah I know all that.  I get it.  And believe me, I'm working on it.  But it takes time dammit. And I'm running out of patience.  I see my friends, most of them married, with kids or happily single with their lives, and then there's me.  When did I become this person?  See? This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind almost daily.  Sometimes not as intense because I drown it out by living, going about my day.  Therapy has helped tremendously.  So I am extremely pleased about that.  My therapist is great.  She "gets" me.  And she doesn't sugar coat ANYTHING.  Her words are sometimes more painful than if someone were to have punched me in the face.  Really.  So, I know I'm getting better and facing my demons and all that.  But none of that takes the pangs of longing, away.  I feel as if I'm the poster child for failure.   Ha, except I'm a grown woman.  That same friend that asked me if I was happy with my life, also asked me, if I had someone to share my life with, be it a boyfriend, lover, husband, would I still feel alone?  I thought long and hard before responding.  I wanted to blurt out that no, I wouldn't feel alone if I had someone to share my life with.  But that's not true.  See, the problems I have, the emotional baggage that follows me around, has nothing to do with whether or not I am in a relationship. It has EVERYTHING to do with me.  I 'm working on that, and fervently taking notes and practicing what I preach.  Because I really do want to be happy with myself.  I really do.  The guys I've dated, both casually and seriously, have taught me a lot about myself.  Some lessons harder to swallow than others.  But I think that that has made me a better person, in a sense.  Maybe I didn't see it then, but I do now.

Wow,  this post sure did go South pretty fast, didn't it? What a Debbie Downer huh?  I had no intention of opening up about any of that, I was going to tell you about my weekend, and my writing and a date I had on Friday.  I guess the need to get this out of my head and into yours, was stronger than anything else I wanted to say.

Let's move on, shall we?

I met someone a few weeks ago, at a birthday party I attended.  Nice guy.  Great smile.  Easy on the eyes.  Someone I'm enjoying getting to know.  So last weekend was our first official date.  It was fun.  It was relaxed and it was intense.  Meaning, major chemistry all over the place.  Much, much to early to tell if anything more will transpire.  We're both just taking it one day at a time.  I'm almost twitter-patted.    He reminds me of "ball cap guy" that I met two years ago. Remember him? Minus the asshole part though.

In other news, I'm submitting two short short stories to Writers Digest tomorrow.  I mean, later today.  Keep your fingers crossed.  First prize is getting it published and a trip to NYC!  The novel within a novel, that I'm currently writing, is coming along.  Slowly.  But coming along none the less.  I hope to be finished with it by late November or early December.

Football season has begun.  All around the country, women have become widows, at least until February (after the Superbowl).  My Houston Texans, having come off an amazing season last year, won today!  A good day for Houston sports teams.  The Houston Astros won today too! What? It's still baseball season and I'm still a die-hard Astros fan. (so what if they have an horrific record!)

Annnd now, I'm sleepy.  It's way past my bedtime.

It's a brand new week kids! Make a GREAT one!

What Would Dr. Seus Say About This?

A dying breed.  That's what bookstores are called now.  -What's left of them anyway.  A shame really.  The first book I ever bought with my own money (earned by babysitting my sister), was Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" ---- I was so proud of that purchase and couldn't get home fast enough to read my little paperback.  A few years ago there used to be a huge bookstore near the Galleria (famous shopping mecca in Houston) that I loved going to.  Just walking in, taking in the smell of new books, or perhaps the faint aroma of freshly brewed coffee, emanating from the adjoined Starbucks. I could spend hours and hours in there.  Browsing every aisle, skimming the pages.  Or sometimes, I would just sit and people watch, make up stories about them wandering around in there.  Bookstores make me happy.  Such  a simple pleasure, that is now slowly, becoming extinct.  Electronic devices are bulldozing the bookstore industry.  Why read a "book", when you have a nook? Yeah, that's the way it is these days.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when they are totally gone.  I suppose that I will be forced to embrace the modern day gadgets and all that, but until that happens, you can find me at Barnes & Noble.

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Writing prompt: In order to deepen and further develop your setting, we asked you to use local items or industries as a focal point of either fiction or creative non-fiction piece.  The word limit is 350.

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my mind won't stop thinking

Hello September!  I welcome you with open arms, a happy heart and anticipation.  This is my favorite time of the year.  The weather finally has mercy on us  becomes tolerable again, marks the beginning of festival season here in Houston, fall is right around the corner, and of course, the countdown to my birthday begins.  I'll be a year older in exactly 30 days.  I've been dreading this birthday more than ever this year.  I'm having trouble coming to grips with the number I guess.  This is very uncharacteristic of me.  I LOVE celebrating my birthday.  I normally celebrate it the entire month of October.  Up until a few weeks ago, I wasn't planning on doing anything and was actually just moping around thinking about it.  But then I realized that I should be counting my blessings, be grateful for what I have and what is yet to be.  And then I snapped myself out of my funk, and quickly transformed into my old self.  Which means, let the countdown commence! The only bad thing about this time of year is the time change.  Though it won't happen for another month, I dread already.  The sun goes down so much earlier.  It makes me sad.  That's the one downfall of the Fall.

Wow.  I just had the most amazing weekend ever.  There was dancing, singing, more dancing, time with friends and family, lots of laughter, and late night shenanigans.  Good times.  It was exhausting and dehydrating (heh), but totally worth it.  I started on Friday and didn't stop until last night.  Today was all about resting and recuperating and of course, shopping.  Hey, don't judge me.  A smart girl never passes up a good sale.

You know what sucks about coming off a three day weekend?  Tomorrow I will be thinking it's Monday, ALL day.

That was my Labor Day weekend. How was yours?

Talk to me.

At Last, We Meet

We met online in early 2005.  At the urging of a mutual friend, I emailed him on a whim, in December of 2004.  Nothing fancy, just a short note from me, telling him about "Mel" -the mutual friend, and how she told me that we shared a love for writing and that we should get to know each other.  I hit send and went on with my life.  It took him a month and a half to reply, but he did.  And that's how it all started, our budding "online" relationship.  We called each other email buddies.  That's what we were.  It was through our email exchanges, that we began to get to know each other.  One of the (many) things I found the most attractive about him was that he actually took the time to write back.  I'm not talking about one liners or a few sentences here and there.  No, this guy, took the time to write very enticing emails.  He was well versed and I found that so sexy!  In the beginning it was the usual, trivial questions.  You know, like "Where did you grow up?", "Where did you go to school?",  "When was your last relationship?" -stuff like that.  But then, we'd take turns asking off the wall questions to each other.  Telling each other about our crazy weekends, our crazy friends, sharing, as if we were long lost friends, trying to find out about each other all over again.  He was very witty, and charming with his words, he was intelligent and sarcastic and I couldn't believe we had not made any effort to meet or even speak on the phone.  While at first I found it a bit odd, I grew to like the veil of anonymity that surrounded us.  Three months into our little email relationship, we exchanged pictures.  At this point, I could care less what he looked like.  I was already one smitten kitten.  But then I saw his picture.  My heart leaped and that was it for me.  I was done.  The guy was hot!  He was standing with some friends, in front of Reliant Stadium, wearing at Texans football jersey, jeans, and a crooked grin.  He had a goatee (the bad-boyish kind), intense, sexy eyes and hair the kind that made you (or me anyway) want to run your fingers through.  Of my picture, he told me I was pretty and some other stuff, but all I heard was pretty.  Neither one of us made a move to meet.  And so our cyber friendship continued.  About a month after the picture exchange, I threw all caution to the wind and gave him my number.  He called me almost immediately.  We were both kind of nervous,  but not really.  Finally, I could put a voice to the face.  And vice versa.  And so a new chapter in our relationship ensued.  We progressed from emails, to phone calls.  Lots of phone calls.  We talked about each others lives, dates, relationships or lack of, all kinds of things really.  He introduced me to late late LATE night phone calls, and other stuff that went along with that, too.  Nine months after we "met" online, we finally met in person.

It was a hot and humid, June summer night.  I'd never been so nervous and excited to meet someone in my entire life!  Here was this guy that I had been emailing and talking to almost daily for months and finally, we were going to be face to face, in person, and not online.  He told me not to be nervous.  Yeah, like that was going even possible.  We'd often talk about what it was going to be like, when we finally met.  But of course, nothing ever happens the way you think it will happen.  I met him outside of my house.  It was after we had both been out with our own friends.  I again, pressed him about finally meeting.  And he started the usual teasing banter that we usually played whenever one of us broached the subject.  Except this time, instead of playing along, he agreed to meet me and as he said, " to put you out of your misery"  My retort to him was:. he was the one suffering and it was "I" who needed to do him the favor of letting him meet me.  We laughed and agreed to meet that night.

He was leaning against his car, and I remember my heart pounding loudly, I even wondered if he could hear it.  He saw me walking up to him, and flashed a big grin.  I smiled back, and then we hugged.  He was a great hugger.  You know how some people just don't know how to hug?  Well, he had no problem in that area.  We stood there, in front of his car, talking nervously, laughing nervously.  I remember wondering if he was going to kiss me.  I really, really, wanted him to kiss me.  It started misting as we stood out there.  But we didn't even flinch.  And then, he leaned down, carressed my face, kissed my cheek, before finally brushing his lips softly over mine.  I think I sighed out loud.  I remember he smiled and then kissed me again. This time, cupping my face in his hands.  It was the best kiss I had ever had.  To this day, it still remains so.
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For the Red Writing Hood prompt this week: write about a face to face meeting which, for better or for worse, doesn’t go as planned. Fiction or memoir. -----Write On Edge

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Wah! But I don't wanna go to school tomorrow!

Not me.  My school career ended a long time ago.  Unless you count the school of life.  heh.  So the new school year begins tomorrow morning.  At least, it does here in Houston.  All across the city thousands upon thousands of little monsters   kids will wake up excited  and almost giddy, as they get ready to don their new haircuts, new shoes, new school supplies, all in the name of getting their learn on.  -Ok, maybe they're not excited or giddy.  One can only hope.

A lot of my teacher friends have already started their new school year, as they have been reporting to work since last week.  They are the ones that whine the most.  "Oh no! School's starting!"or  "Only 120 days before Christmas break!"  "Wah Wah Wah!" ---oh brother, get over it already!  Sorry, I don't feel sorry for teachers that get three months off.  Jealous? Just a lil.  ;)

 PSA for the week:  Remember to mind the school zones people.  The rugrats are back.

Have a great week everyone!

what i did today and other musings

hey kids!  what's the good word tonight?  i love my weekends.  we should just have weekends erry day.  forget that 5 day work week gig.  7 day weekend is the way to go.  am i right?  of course i am.  anyway, so according to a very reliable (or unreliable.  it's all in the way you look at it) source, aka facebook, today is "national kiss and make-up day"  too bad i haven't fought with anyone that i want to kiss and make-up with though.  have you?

in other news, i am a little pissed right now.  if you remember, last weekend i went car shopping. my new car was supposed to come in in yesterday, and i was going to pick it up today.  well, in a perfect world and all, that was the plan.  the salesguy's story is that "someone" messed up the inventory and caused "delays" in shipment of vehicles all over the country.  <----- suuuuure it did.  whatever. so now, my car will not be delivered until wednesday.  nerdy salesguy (not to be confused with potential date salesguy, apparently he was out today, due to a family emergency.  uh huh.) was profusely sorry for the mishap and offered to throw in some free floor mats for my troubles.  yay me.  needless to say, i left there in a bummed mood.  to cheer myself up, i drove to one of the few remaining bookstores left in the city.  and there, i browsed and debated purchasing no less than three books.  in the end, i put them all back.  as much as i am a multi-tasker, i really can only read one book at a time.  and since i have yet to finish the governor's wife, which i purchased last week, i left the store empty-handed.  the rest of the afternoon, i spent it with two of my loves -my nieces.  no matter what kind of day i'm having, or how tired or angry i am, spending time with the girls, always cheers me up and makes my heart smile.  my oldest niece is 11 and her sister, is 4.  both of them are growing up so fast.  i love spending time with them, asking them about their world and listening to their stories.  we laugh and laugh.  i don't see them very often because of the whole "my ex sister-in-law hates my brother" thing, so when i do get to spend time with them, i cherish it immensely.

next stop after dropping off the girls?  my friend's wine bar.  he's only been opened about a month. but by the looks of the full parking lot, it would seem that business is thriving. not to shabby for a saturday afternoon.   good for him.  i visited with him for a little while, in between his tending to his customers, and we caught up on each others' lives.  when it was time for me to leave, he presented me with a gift. a bottle of one of my favorite wines.  i almost squealed with excitement!  i thanked him and bid him and his girlfriend (who is one of the bartenders at the bar) adieu.

the rest of my day was spent tending to things that i put off never have time for during the week.  and now, here i sit, about to lose myself  in my book, while enjoying a glass of malbec.

all is well in my world, hope all is well in yours too.

salud!