Monday, September 10, 2012

this is what happens when i can't sleep

I should be sleeping but I'm not.  Obviously.  Instead I'm here, in front of my computer, typing away aimlessly.  I'm restless and my mind is overflowing with things to do, problems that need solving, pondering life, mine and in general.  You know, the usual stuff that seems to invade my head on a Sunday night.  Er, early Monday morning now.  So last week, I wrote about how I am kind of anxiety ridden about my upcoming birthday.  Remember?  It's okay, just lie and say you do.  Anyway, that got me thinking of course, about where I am in my career, in my life, what I want out of it, what I need to change, in order for these things to happen, why I'm still single.  Boom.  And there it was.  The underlying reason for my birthday angst. I am tired of being alone.  I am tired of dating idiots who just don't get it.  I am tired of being everything to everyone else, but nothing to myself.  A friend of mine asked me recently, if I was happy with me.  Sadly, I answered no.  And I'm not.  I pretend to be.  There is a mask I wear every day.  It portrays someone that is smiling always, happy, ready to dance, to sing, to act like a fool, to be your cheer leader, your confidante. But when I get home, I take the mask off, and see myself as I really am.  And you know what?  I'm really tired of what I see.  I don't want to wear the mask anymore.  I don't want to "need" to wear it anymore.  Does that make sense?  Don't get me wrong, I love life, and everything that I have, what I'm having trouble loving, is myself.  And therein lies the problem.  It's a work in progress. Every.Day.  So how can I possibly make someone else happy, if I can't make myself happy? Yeah I know all that.  I get it.  And believe me, I'm working on it.  But it takes time dammit. And I'm running out of patience.  I see my friends, most of them married, with kids or happily single with their lives, and then there's me.  When did I become this person?  See? This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind almost daily.  Sometimes not as intense because I drown it out by living, going about my day.  Therapy has helped tremendously.  So I am extremely pleased about that.  My therapist is great.  She "gets" me.  And she doesn't sugar coat ANYTHING.  Her words are sometimes more painful than if someone were to have punched me in the face.  Really.  So, I know I'm getting better and facing my demons and all that.  But none of that takes the pangs of longing, away.  I feel as if I'm the poster child for failure.   Ha, except I'm a grown woman.  That same friend that asked me if I was happy with my life, also asked me, if I had someone to share my life with, be it a boyfriend, lover, husband, would I still feel alone?  I thought long and hard before responding.  I wanted to blurt out that no, I wouldn't feel alone if I had someone to share my life with.  But that's not true.  See, the problems I have, the emotional baggage that follows me around, has nothing to do with whether or not I am in a relationship. It has EVERYTHING to do with me.  I 'm working on that, and fervently taking notes and practicing what I preach.  Because I really do want to be happy with myself.  I really do.  The guys I've dated, both casually and seriously, have taught me a lot about myself.  Some lessons harder to swallow than others.  But I think that that has made me a better person, in a sense.  Maybe I didn't see it then, but I do now.

Wow,  this post sure did go South pretty fast, didn't it? What a Debbie Downer huh?  I had no intention of opening up about any of that, I was going to tell you about my weekend, and my writing and a date I had on Friday.  I guess the need to get this out of my head and into yours, was stronger than anything else I wanted to say.

Let's move on, shall we?

I met someone a few weeks ago, at a birthday party I attended.  Nice guy.  Great smile.  Easy on the eyes.  Someone I'm enjoying getting to know.  So last weekend was our first official date.  It was fun.  It was relaxed and it was intense.  Meaning, major chemistry all over the place.  Much, much to early to tell if anything more will transpire.  We're both just taking it one day at a time.  I'm almost twitter-patted.    He reminds me of "ball cap guy" that I met two years ago. Remember him? Minus the asshole part though.

In other news, I'm submitting two short short stories to Writers Digest tomorrow.  I mean, later today.  Keep your fingers crossed.  First prize is getting it published and a trip to NYC!  The novel within a novel, that I'm currently writing, is coming along.  Slowly.  But coming along none the less.  I hope to be finished with it by late November or early December.

Football season has begun.  All around the country, women have become widows, at least until February (after the Superbowl).  My Houston Texans, having come off an amazing season last year, won today!  A good day for Houston sports teams.  The Houston Astros won today too! What? It's still baseball season and I'm still a die-hard Astros fan. (so what if they have an horrific record!)

Annnd now, I'm sleepy.  It's way past my bedtime.

It's a brand new week kids! Make a GREAT one!


CWMartin said...

Yeah, my Fins made you guys look good;)

I guess the one other thing that stuck out in your rant was "idiots that just don't get it." Which it is that? Do you know, or is that part of the problem? said...

I can understand everything you express. So many people can, Yvonne.

Big hugs to you.


David Batista said...

Your therapist sounds great. It's very important to find one that will force you to see the truth for yourself and make the hard changes. And, I had a feeling your problems didn't really stem from being alone. You mentioned being envious of your single friends because they are happy. So obviously you know it is possible to be single and happy at the same time. To me, it sounds like you are asking the right questions and on the right track. Kudos! I'm in your corner, kiddo! :)

Oh, and I'm crossing my fingers for your submissions. How cool would it be if you won that trip to NYC? *crosses fingers*

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Totally get these feelings you're having. Not that I have anything so constructive to add, but I do understand. Glad to hear you're working on things. It's all any of us can do. Hope the latest date becomes something more interesting over time... :)

Slyde said...

i felt many of those feelings too last week on MY birthday. its normal, i guess...

Yvonne said...

CW- Ha! "It" being, cheating, lying, thinking they will get away with it. Why not just be honest? That's all I'm asking.

Robyn- :) Thanks!

David- I'm trying, my friend, I'm trying! And yes, my therapist is amazing! I'm really comfortable with her. Thanks for being in my corner, and thank for the fingers crossing- I'll let you know what happens. :)

YRJ- Thank you! With regard to the "guy" -we'll see...

Slyde- Did you? Oh my gosh! I can't explain how crazy it's making me feel!!! If I'm bad now, who knows how I'll be when I turn fifty!! Crap!!!

The Frisky Virgin said...

You know what's ironic? I think, looking back, starting my blog was something I needed to do for a way, I needed to tell myself I'm really okay with me. And, in turn, it was kind of a cosmic way of telling the asshats and mean people that I'm happy with me, whether they approve or not. So, I totally get what you mean. What is it they say? Before you can be happy with someone else, you have to be happy with yourself? It's so true. Just know one thing--YOU ARE WONDERFUL! You're kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, talented, and just a good person--you're the kind of person the world NEEDS. Embrace that truth, my dear friend.

P.S. VERY glad you said your new man is like baseball cap guy MINUS the ass part. lol

Robin said...

I am going to make a suggestion that you can take or leave. Actually, that is funny because you should take or leave all suggestions because they are just that. If you go on to they are a set of books by Esther and Jerry Hicks. They are called Ask and It is Given Part I and II. I would buy the first one in book form because you will likely only read it once. I would buy the second one on CD, particularly if you drive a lot. Or like to listen to books on CD. If you prefer to read, then I would buy them both in book form. I like the second on on CD because it helps me to LISTEN to it. However, we all perceive and understand things differently. I listen to Part II over and over. The reason is because it is the things you can actually DO to change your life. However, you don't really know why you want to do them until read Part I. I have that one on CD, too, for the record, but I only listened once. It made sense and then I got down to business.

Bottom line: you are stuck in a place that you don't want to be. You can change that. No one can change that for you. However, once you understand HOW to change that it all begins to come together and make sense. Right now, you mostly hang out at depression on the emotional scale. You try to disguise that for other people, but your TRUE FEELINGS are depression. In order to change your situation, you have to change your FEELING.

And this book is like a key. Richard Bach says, "Remembering is what you already know." This book is designed to help you remember what you already know. It will help you climb that emotional ladder so that you no longer have to pretend to feel all of those things you are talking about. You will actually feel them. And when you do, people will KNOW it. And they will gravitate toward you. And that is when your life will change.

But you will have to do the work.

You are a wonderful person, Yvonne, and it is time to let everyone know it. It is time for you to fully understand it yourself. Do the work.

Anonymous said...

So sorry i haven't commented sooner, for some reason your blog shows up as white-on-white text on my computer. (I'm at the in-laws now)
I hope you don't feel like you need a husband or whatever to validate your self-worth, but it's understandable. My brother in-law (the good one) started running and exercising and going to church - all this stuff his ex GF used to do. And when his mom asked about his sudden behavior changes he alluded to the recent marriage of his sister and the fact that he's the last 'single' one.

He's got an IQ of 8 billion but he thinks that he can summon a suitor on command. It just doesn't work that way. I'm not sure *how* it works, but I know that it does. Because it happened for me, and if it can happen for me then it will happen for you, too. But while you wait, make sure you'r doing things that make YOU happy, not someone else.

I know this was an epic comment, but I'm making up for lost time ;-) I wish you tons of luck with your love life and your writing submissions. Can't wait to hear how it went w/ Writer's Digest!

Yvonne said...

FV- Thanks! I appreciate your words. It's a work in progress, for sure. I'm getting there, though.

Robin- thank you so much for your suggestions. I am looking into that this week, things have been crazy busy for me, but hopefully this week will be calmer. I will keep you posted.

Insomniac- No worries. I appreciate your words of wisdom (ha!) And no, I don't feel I need to have a man in my life to feel validated, it's not that at all. It's more internal turmoil going on with me, that prevents me (i think) from being happy, with myself and with the men in my relationships. But I'm working to better the situation. I am just so grateful for all of the encouragement and love I get from all of you bloggies. It's overwhelming! :)