hope springs eternal

the night is still, silent, but for the clickity clack of the keys on my laptop as i type away.  the candle i lit hours ago, now flickering madly, gasping it's last breath.  the scent of vanilla permeates my room.  and then comes the rain, loud, intrusive, marvelous rain.  so much for silence.  it's really pouring out there tonight.  and it's hot and humid too.  not that there is anything weird about that, it is houston after all.  no, the funny part is that the forecast is calling for temperatures to dip into  the mid 40's by friday night.  mid.40's.  in may.  in houston, texas.  the capitol of i'm melting, usa.  weird i tell ya!  just weird.

in other news, the first day of may is only hours away and i don't know about y'all, but i find that this year is just speeding by.  seriously, slow down already!

how is everyone?  i've been a little absent from blogland lately.  too much going on in my life, in my head, eh, you get the picture.  trying to finish projects that need to be finished, all the while, trying to grab the reins of my life and go full throttle.  -takes a lot of work, don't ya know?  hopefully, may will be bring me more happies than it did in april.

wishing all of you a great rest of the week!

be good or be bad and tell me all about it.

peace.

Sharing Is Caring

The other night I was with a group of friends, catching up, relaxing over a bottle glass of wine, (oh who am I kidding? you guys knows it was a bottle) when the topic of discussion turned to swinging and by swinging, I don't mean the swing-sets at the park.  No boys and girls, what I'm referring to are couples who swap with other couples/partners for physical encounters.  Now, the group I was having this discussion with all happen to be single and not into this lifestyle I'm writing about.  (No really, it's true, they told me) But we have mutual acquaintances who are into this type of er, "arrangement".  The whole reason this was even brought up was because one of those acquaintances was having a get together that night and none of us were invited.  We learned later it was because it was going to be one of "those" parties.  The kind that only couples are invited to, the kind that anything goes, clearly, not a party for a single gal or guy to attend uncoupled.  Get it?  So we started going back and forth about why they do it (in general) and what the thrill is.  Some of the guys gave the typical "guy" response, "That's like getting a free pass to have sex with someone other than your girlfriend/wife/lover!"  Yeah, yeah, I guess that could be exciting for you fellas.  But what's the draw for women?  The same thing?  A free pass to have sex with other men who are not theirs?  Why?  Now, I'm not a prude by any means. And hey, I'm the first to say, do what makes you happy or feel good.  But I just feel like in doing so, partaking in the "swapping" business, you diminish your relationship with your significant other.  Some things should just remain a fantasy.  At least, that's my opinion.  Some of the people I was with last night, said that maybe it helps to spice up their relationship or maybe it's a one time thing, you know, like when they guy or girl says, "oh please baby, do it for me, just this once..."  I dunno.  It's just not my thing.  I dated a guy that wanted me to have a threesome with him.  He all but begged me to make it happen, but I didn't.  I don't like to share my men. Heh.  So I declined and  soon after, we stopped seeing each other.  Someone said that there has to be a level of trust between the couple before they go out and mingle or is it co-mingle? (haha get it? just a little legal humor) and that that level of  trust in each other, is what makes the relationship stronger, thus allowing for this type of behavior.  And another of the guys chimed in and said he would be cool with doing that as long as it was his girlfriend and another girl, not another guy that they swapped with.  I've known couples who live the "alternative/open relationship/marriage" and are very happy that way.  Or appear to be anyway. They live as a couple, but go out with other people, and/or swap partners.  Like I said, that's cool and all but I just can't wrap the idea around my head.  Why commit to relationship if you are not going to be faithful?  What is so lacking in your life that you feel the need to fill the void with well, with that?   What do you think?  I mean, clue a sister in, would you please?

We tabled the discussion because we were getting nowhere and also because we are not a quiet group and the people around us kept staring at us -meh, they were probably wishing they were at our table instead of  theirs.

What say you?

again

my heart is heavy tonight.  as most of you may have heard, there were two bombs that exploded during the boston marathon today.  there are over 144 people injured and at last count, three dead, including an eight year old boy, who was waiting for his dad to run by the finish line.  simply horrific.

after a day of watching the news, reading the paper, scrolling through the internet for stories about the catastrophic day in boston, i am incredibly sad.  once again, our country is on alert.  once again, we as citizens of the united states, band together in solidarity, in show of support for all of  those innocent victims in boston.  senseless and cowardly.  again.  i have a few friends who were running in the marathon, thankfully, all have been accounted for and are safe and sound.  thankfully.  i first learned about the tragedy in the early afternoon, as i was returning from lunch.  literally, i froze.  my mind immediately went back to september 11, 2001.  that same feeling of helplessness and fear returned.  i rushed back to the office and turned on the news.  what a scary world we live in.  i'm speechless.

what scares me more is that no one has stepped forward to claim responsibility.  a terrorist attack?  a domestic, sick individual?  show yourself(ves) cowards!  i am so angry!  why would someone do this?

since i don't know how else to help, besides contributing to the red cross, join me please, in praying for the victims and for our country.  if you don't pray, that's cool.  just send positive thoughts and energy to the universe, all good thoughts are accepted.

do me a favor, hug your loved ones, right a wrong, make amends, let go of anger and resentment.  in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters, really.

looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

i have the tendency to shut down emotionally when life gets to be too much for me.  maybe it's a  cop out, maybe it's a sign of weakness.  whatever it is, i bow down to it and fold, wave the white flag and cry out, "no more!"    i smile on the outside, but die a slow and painful death on the inside. all the while, somehow managing to function at work, at play and sometimes, at home.  it's like an inner battle with myself.  my "normal" self yelling at my "abnormal" (for lack of a better word) self, to get over it, while my abnormal self yells back, "i can't!"  as the commercial says, "depression hurts."  now, some of you may be wondering what in the wold i have to be depressed about, am i right?  you know, i wish i could tell you.  i don't really know myself.  i mean, i have problems and stresses, who doesn't?  but it's nothing earth shattering.  and yet, here i am, alone in my own abyss of darkness and despair.  a lot of it has to do with my childhood and things that happened to me, and also with fact that i can't seem to forgive myself for bad decisions and/or acts.  after all, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be.  and i am my own worst critic.

nothing major has happened to trigger this post.  these are just thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head and resonating so loudly that i have to put them down on paper -er, type them onto my laptop, i mean. as i struggle to stay afloat and thread on calmer waters, i am grateful for this outlet of mine.  somehow reading what is in my head, all jarbled and all, somehow that helps me put things into perspective for me.

alright.  enough darkness.  i'm going to do something i've never done on my blog before, i've seen other bloggers post songs and thought to myself, "hey that's pretty cool! i'm going to do it too!"  and so here you go, for your viewing/listening pleasure.  for whatever reason, this song has been playing in my head lately.  i really like it and hope you do too.  i found it apropos for this post.  it's called "gravity" by john mayer.

it's a new weeks kids, make it a great one!

http://youtu.be/TErQbwHHh_w

Love Not Mine

My doorbell rang a little after 10:00 p.m. It was Wednesday night, December 23rd. Christmas-Eve-eve. Who the heck was at my door and why? I peered through the peep hole but I couldn't see anything or I couldn't make anything out. I made a mental note to speak to my landlord about this sometime in the future. 

"Who is it?" I asked through the door.

"It's me baby."

My heart skipped about a million times over and immediately my entire being smiled with happiness. I hurriedly unlocked the door and flung it open. And there he was. My love. He smiled at me, with that sheepish grin that I found so sexy, opened his arms invited me to let myself fall into them.

We stood there at my doorway embracing each other, holding each other. There was no need for words. I let him in and quickly, he spun me around, pinning me to the door, staring at me, teasing me with his mouth,until finally, he kissed me. Hungrily, anxiously and without abandon. We made our way to my bedroom. And it was there that time stopped. The only thing that mattered was that moment and nothing else. We made love over and over into the wee hours of the early morning. Finally, just before my alarm clock went off, we drifted off to sleep in each others arms. Sometime later that morning, I woke up. He was still sleeping. I stared at this man. This man I loved. And I felt so happy, yet, so very sad. He woke up at that moment and smiled at me. I kissed him.

"Good morning" he whispered.

"Good morning." I answered, smiling back at him.

"I have to go." he said as he got up and started getting dressed.

"I know." I responded. I sat up and watched him get dressed. I knew the routine. He'd get dressed, I'd walk him to the door, kiss him goodbye and as soon as he was gone, I'd burst into tears. Vowing to myself that I would not let it happen again. 

Until the next time.

If you've been reading my blog for the past few years, you'll recognize this post.  I wrote it in December 2010, for someone that was very important to me at that time of my life.  For personal reasons, I'm posting it again.  Indulge me as I revisit an "old friend". -Happy Sunday!