Sunday, April 14, 2013

looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

i have the tendency to shut down emotionally when life gets to be too much for me.  maybe it's a  cop out, maybe it's a sign of weakness.  whatever it is, i bow down to it and fold, wave the white flag and cry out, "no more!"    i smile on the outside, but die a slow and painful death on the inside. all the while, somehow managing to function at work, at play and sometimes, at home.  it's like an inner battle with myself.  my "normal" self yelling at my "abnormal" (for lack of a better word) self, to get over it, while my abnormal self yells back, "i can't!"  as the commercial says, "depression hurts."  now, some of you may be wondering what in the wold i have to be depressed about, am i right?  you know, i wish i could tell you.  i don't really know myself.  i mean, i have problems and stresses, who doesn't?  but it's nothing earth shattering.  and yet, here i am, alone in my own abyss of darkness and despair.  a lot of it has to do with my childhood and things that happened to me, and also with fact that i can't seem to forgive myself for bad decisions and/or acts.  after all, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be.  and i am my own worst critic.

nothing major has happened to trigger this post.  these are just thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head and resonating so loudly that i have to put them down on paper -er, type them onto my laptop, i mean. as i struggle to stay afloat and thread on calmer waters, i am grateful for this outlet of mine.  somehow reading what is in my head, all jarbled and all, somehow that helps me put things into perspective for me.

alright.  enough darkness.  i'm going to do something i've never done on my blog before, i've seen other bloggers post songs and thought to myself, "hey that's pretty cool! i'm going to do it too!"  and so here you go, for your viewing/listening pleasure.  for whatever reason, this song has been playing in my head lately.  i really like it and hope you do too.  i found it apropos for this post.  it's called "gravity" by john mayer.

it's a new weeks kids, make it a great one!


Robin said...

I have recently started this new therapy called "tapping." It is amazing. Apparently all of our traumas are retained in our physical bodies so that we continue to have an emotional attachment to each one. In other words, have you ever talked about something that happened a long time ago and still cried or felt just as bad NOW as THEN? You are still carrying all of that emotional attachment in your body and your body is still feeling it. The tapping therapy helps you to release it and remember it without that emotional attachment. It is AMAZING. I suggest you look around for a therapist who specialized in tapping. It has done wonders for me. For the first time in years, I am making headway with my migraines. Like I said... miracles are happening here. Just think what it can do for things like depression, anxiety, etc. said...

I'm not a John Mayer fan, but that song's a nice one. Sorry about your depression. I understand. Like everything else, it doesn't last forever. You'll be feeling cheerful once again. Keep faith, my friend.


Don said...

Hon, I can empathize with you because I struggled with chronic depression for several wasted years of my life. I finally got over it by accepting the fact that shit happens in life, and then looking around and seeing that so many other people were worse off than I was.

On the bright side, baseball season is here, Spring is in the air, and there is a lot of good to be had in life.

Yvonne said...

Robin-thanks for the heads up on that! I am seeing a therapist and will bring it up, next time.

Robyn- I'm not a John Mayer fan either, but curiously enough, I heard this song on the radio once and never paid attention to the lyrics, until yesterday. My depression is cyclical and kind of binging. Thanks for your warm thoughts, I apprecate it!

Don- I'm trying. I have good days and bad days and then great months even years, and then bad months, bad years. It will pass. I'm sure of it. And yes, baseball season is alive and kicking!

Alessandra said...

I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. I've gone through it myself, so I know what you mean when you say nothing earth shattering has happened to cause it. It was the same for me. I hope this is only temporary, but please, if you don't feel any different in a couple of weeks, seek some help. Depression is nasty business and it has a way to grab on and not let go. You're too good for that, don't let anybody,including yourself, tell you different. :)

Yvonne said...

Alessandra- Thank you so much. I'm feeling a little better today, and I know the sun will shine in my life again. :)

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

It is good of you to share this and be open about it. Depression thrives in the dark.
Having been surrounded by family members who have fallen into the abyss of depression so many times I know that it is important to acknowledge how you feel and not to keep it inside.
Your way back from this state of depression will be quicker and you will have helped others by never trying to hide it!

Yvonne said...

YRJ- Thanks friend! I've been asked by some people if I'm ever ashamed or embarrassed about being so open about something so personal. I'm neither ashamed or embarrassed about it. It's an illness. Somedays are harder than others. I'll be fine, just going through a rough period right now. But I appreciate your encouraging words!

The Blue Grumpster said...

Still those horrible migraines.