i have the tendency to shut down emotionally when life gets to be too much for me. maybe it's a cop out, maybe it's a sign of weakness. whatever it is, i bow down to it and fold, wave the white flag and cry out, "no more!" i smile on the outside, but die a slow and painful death on the inside. all the while, somehow managing to function at work, at play and sometimes, at home. it's like an inner battle with myself. my "normal" self yelling at my "abnormal" (for lack of a better word) self, to get over it, while my abnormal self yells back, "i can't!" as the commercial says, "depression hurts." now, some of you may be wondering what in the wold i have to be depressed about, am i right? you know, i wish i could tell you. i don't really know myself. i mean, i have problems and stresses, who doesn't? but it's nothing earth shattering. and yet, here i am, alone in my own abyss of darkness and despair. a lot of it has to do with my childhood and things that happened to me, and also with fact that i can't seem to forgive myself for bad decisions and/or acts. after all, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. and i am my own worst critic.
nothing major has happened to trigger this post. these are just thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head and resonating so loudly that i have to put them down on paper -er, type them onto my laptop, i mean. as i struggle to stay afloat and thread on calmer waters, i am grateful for this outlet of mine. somehow reading what is in my head, all jarbled and all, somehow that helps me put things into perspective for me.
alright. enough darkness. i'm going to do something i've never done on my blog before, i've seen other bloggers post songs and thought to myself, "hey that's pretty cool! i'm going to do it too!" and so here you go, for your viewing/listening pleasure. for whatever reason, this song has been playing in my head lately. i really like it and hope you do too. i found it apropos for this post. it's called "gravity" by john mayer.
it's a new weeks kids, make it a great one!