circle of life-revisited

i feel the words in my head, trying to come together, to make sense, so that you will understand how I'm feeling. but i can't seem to get them out.  my heart is heavy tonight.  i'm very sad and feel uneasy.  yesterday, a dear, beautiful and very talented musical artist, lost her battle with breast cancer.  her name was norma zenteno.  she came from a musical family dynasty and was a staple in the local music community here in houston.  her music was somewhere between latin fusion, jazz, blues and everything in between.  she sang in english and in spanish.  her voice was edgy, sultry and fierce.  but what made her so loved, was her presence, her personality, that aura that she emitted.  and she had the most beautiful smile.  how could you not love her?  my family and i saw her perform many, many, many times  throughout the years and each time she saw you, she'd smile and give you a hug, as if you were a friend or family.  she never met a stranger.  i caught her last performance almost three weeks ago, at a local establishment.  i almost didn't go that night, but a friend persuaded me and now, i'm so happy that i went.  her death was unexpected.  she'd only very recently started her first round of chemo.  her death was a result of complications from the treatment.  "gone too soon, much too soon" was what one of her band members was quoted as saying.  indeed, much too soon. 

death seems to be ever so close lately.  in the past two months, i've been to more funerals than i have ever been to in my life.  friends, friends' family...  it's permeating in the air.  and i'm tired of it.  i'm tired of cancer killing so many people. i'm tired of praying and praying for miracles that never happen. i'm tired of feeling tired.

i try to keep the faith, i try to stay on course, but times like these, just make it that much more difficult to do.  and then i feel guilty for feeling this way. maybe it' my "catholic complex" ---you know, feeling guilty for everything. 

oh i don't know.  i'm kind of just babbling right now anyway.  i'm just so incredibly sad.  so many bad things are happening in the world.  so much unrest.  so much uncertainty.  i think that the mere thought of dying and doing so without having accomplished what i want to accomplish in my life, is giving me anxiety attacks.  seriously.  i've had two this past week alone.  too much on the mind. too much worry.  too much.

while seemingly, things are fine in my life, if you probe below the surface, you'll see all the chaos that lies within.  all the stuff i'm trying to work on, to fix, to amend, to accomplish.  it's like, i'm tearing back layer upon layer of  skin, just so i can get to the root of the problem and deal with it. or them.  -eh, you know what i mean.

i apologize for my debbie downer melt-down but this is how i'm feeling and this is my blog, so it's what i'm writing tonight.  

love and light bloggies, love and light.

i'm sure you're jamming in heaven right now.  rip norma z.