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Sunday, February 24, 2013

circle of life-revisited

i feel the words in my head, trying to come together, to make sense, so that you will understand how I'm feeling. but i can't seem to get them out.  my heart is heavy tonight.  i'm very sad and feel uneasy.  yesterday, a dear, beautiful and very talented musical artist, lost her battle with breast cancer.  her name was norma zenteno.  she came from a musical family dynasty and was a staple in the local music community here in houston.  her music was somewhere between latin fusion, jazz, blues and everything in between.  she sang in english and in spanish.  her voice was edgy, sultry and fierce.  but what made her so loved, was her presence, her personality, that aura that she emitted.  and she had the most beautiful smile.  how could you not love her?  my family and i saw her perform many, many, many times  throughout the years and each time she saw you, she'd smile and give you a hug, as if you were a friend or family.  she never met a stranger.  i caught her last performance almost three weeks ago, at a local establishment.  i almost didn't go that night, but a friend persuaded me and now, i'm so happy that i went.  her death was unexpected.  she'd only very recently started her first round of chemo.  her death was a result of complications from the treatment.  "gone too soon, much too soon" was what one of her band members was quoted as saying.  indeed, much too soon. 

death seems to be ever so close lately.  in the past two months, i've been to more funerals than i have ever been to in my life.  friends, friends' family...  it's permeating in the air.  and i'm tired of it.  i'm tired of cancer killing so many people. i'm tired of praying and praying for miracles that never happen. i'm tired of feeling tired.

i try to keep the faith, i try to stay on course, but times like these, just make it that much more difficult to do.  and then i feel guilty for feeling this way. maybe it' my "catholic complex" ---you know, feeling guilty for everything. 

oh i don't know.  i'm kind of just babbling right now anyway.  i'm just so incredibly sad.  so many bad things are happening in the world.  so much unrest.  so much uncertainty.  i think that the mere thought of dying and doing so without having accomplished what i want to accomplish in my life, is giving me anxiety attacks.  seriously.  i've had two this past week alone.  too much on the mind. too much worry.  too much.

while seemingly, things are fine in my life, if you probe below the surface, you'll see all the chaos that lies within.  all the stuff i'm trying to work on, to fix, to amend, to accomplish.  it's like, i'm tearing back layer upon layer of  skin, just so i can get to the root of the problem and deal with it. or them.  -eh, you know what i mean.

i apologize for my debbie downer melt-down but this is how i'm feeling and this is my blog, so it's what i'm writing tonight.  

love and light bloggies, love and light.

i'm sure you're jamming in heaven right now.  rip norma z.






9 comments:

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Sorry, Yvonne. Sounds like we lost a shining star. May she rest in peace.

Take care of you.
Hugs,
xoRobyn

Alessandra said...

Funerals are no fun at all, and going to too many in a short period of time can bring anybody down, so don't feel guilty or bad for it. i think there are so many things in life we cannot control, including our own death, so why worry? I only think about the things I can control, and those things are usually limited to myself, and maybe my dogs...sometimes..
Take care girlie, the sun will rise tomorrow :)

Yvonne said...

Robyn- Thanks for your words. Ohhhhh and thank you soooo much for my gifts! I received them on Saturday morning!!! :)

Alessandra- you are so right. and normally, i live that way, with the mindset that we can only worry about that which we control, but as you said, one too many funerals. Thank you for your words!

Shannon Whissell said...

Such a sad loss. Love and light for you. And very long hugs.

Don said...

While some funerals celebrate the life of the dearly departed with joy and laughter, too many others are morbid affairs. That's why long ago I made arrangements to not have a funeral when I die. Instead, my body will be donated to the University of Alabama at Birmingham Anatomical Donor Program @ https://www.uab.edu/medicine/home/giving-opps/donor to be used for medical research or teaching students who aspire to become doctors. I've instructed my family and loved ones to, instead of having a funeral. have a party celebrating the fact that they've finally gotten rid of my sorry ass. :-)

Belle said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this lovely girl's death. What a terrible loss. And I'm sorry you have been to a lot of funerals lately. This is a harsh world - a world full of pain. I'm glad you are trying to keep the faith.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This was not a downer; just honest. So sorry for your loss. Feeling helpless and tired is normal in your situation, though not fun.
I hope you get to experience something wonderful and more light-hearted soon!

Yvonne said...

Shannon- :) Thanks so much!

Don - HA! Thanks, needed the laugh.

Belle- Thank you. I'm trying, that's a good thing!

YRJ- thanks so much! I hope so too! :)

Don said...

Yvonne,

I'm pleased that you got a laugh from my earlier comment, Hon.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you too often cry alone.

If you ever want to contact me so we can laugh together, my email address is redseib@bellsouth.net

Don