sunday on my mind...

happy sunday bloggies.  what crazy and fun things did you get into this weekend? spill it.  i had good one.  friday i finally saw my friend.  the one that i just recently (december) reconciled with, only to have it blow up in my face, remember? yeah, him.  well, the planets all aligned and there was a full moon that night, so meeting him for drinks, seemed only natural, don't you agree?

the reconciliation 
it was bittersweet.  i arrived first.  we met at a quaint italian restaurant.  i sat facing the door, so i could see him when he arrived.  our eyes met, the minute he walked through the door, we trepidly walked towards  the other, until finally falling into an embrace that lasted a long, long, time.  we talked for hours, drank too much wine, laughed, cried -ok so, i cried.  we got angry, i cried again, we hugged again, and in the end, he walked me to my car, hugged one last time, and went our separate ways.  our friendship will never be the same.  something died when we had our fallout.  but i got my closure, face to face this time, not over the phone.   we both said things to each other that needed to be said. so i am at peace with that part of my life, and can now, finally, move on.

relationships.  real? or a fad quickly fading?
alright. so my gal pals (you know, m&m -otherwise known as, michelle and maricela) and i were having lunch today and conversation quickly turned to, what else? men. those pesky little critters.  today's topic was whether or not the ever elusive "relationship" still exists or is it a thing of the past? what prompted this discussion was that we had just learned that yet, another couple that we know and love, who also happen to be dear friends of ours, are getting divorced.  the reason?  or at least, the reason given? "it's just not there anymore"  -really? just like that?  they have been married sixteen years.  my own parents were married twenty-five years until one day, my dad decided he didn't love my mother anymore and wanted something more. -his words.  so you see, i'm just a little jaded about this topic. anyway, we all agreed that relationships take work and a lot of effort from both parties.  but while i remain hopeful and ever the romantic, my girls, michelle and maricela, believe that no one is meant to be together forever or until they die.  they believe that it is what it is and that the relationship will end, eventually.  i respect their opinions, but i don't agree with them.  i refuse to believe that everyone should go into a relationship -platonic or romantic, with the expectation that it  will fail, eventually.  that's not very healthy mind thinking.  amiright here?  they called me a "helpless romantic" and that's okay, but i don't just feel this way about love, i feel this way about all types of relationships in our lives.  if we all thought that way, then really, what would be the point.  your thoughts?

on being footloose and fancy free
as some of you may know, or have noticed (if you are a regular reader of my blog), i have recently been battling with inner demons and emotional crap.  well, to offset said crap, i've been seizing the day, so to speak.  meaning, taking risks i normally would never take, going left when i should be going right.  saying yes, when clearly, the answer is no.  i've become a rebel it would seem.  can't say how much longer i'm going to keep this up.  but it's been fun watching people's reactions to my new found attitude.  maybe it's because i really just don't care anymore.  or maybe it's because i'm daring myself to come out of my shell and try new things.  maybe, there is no rhyme or reason for it. it just is.

alright kids,  it's a brand new week, i wish happy and productive things for you!

be good.

about a girl...

What can you say about a girl who is kind to everyone, is eager to help others whenever possible, puts herself second and sometime third to whatever crisis or whoever needs her most? For both family and friends?  Or of that same girl, who yearns for the love of a good man, but settles for the type of man who uses her, takes and takes from her, both figuratively and literally?  This girl who will move mountains to make others happy, so that they will still want her.  Foregoing her own happiness along the way.  Compromising who she is, just for the sake of pleasing others.

Would you say she is a poor, pathetic soul?  Would you say she needs to learn to say no and stand up for herself?  Would you say she needs to love herself a little bit more?

                  

 And this same girl, who questions her very motives, wonders what is wrong with her?  Wonders if she’s going crazy? Or if she is such a bad person, that this way of life is her punishment?  Cries out to God, to ask why she keeps doing these same things?

What would you tell her?

This is what is on my mind today.  Every day.  Always. 

 It’s very easy to read this from the outside and say, “What the f*** is wrong with her?”  or “Just stop it already!”  Trust me, I’ve said this to myself many times over.  But breaking this vicious cycle is anything but easy. 

At the end of December, I vowed to change.  I vowed that no one, whether it is family or friends or lovers, would ever take advantage of me again.  But here it is, January 20, 2013, and I find myself losing this battle.  And for what?  For nothing.  It’s as if I give of myself, of my time, in exchange for a little affection or attention.  Give and give until there is nothing left.  I’m not even half the person I used to be.  And that, makes me incredibly sad.

I lost myself, somewhere along the way...

Somewhere deep inside me, is the fighter longing to come out, the inner bitch waiting to wreak havoc on everyone that has wronged her or wants to wrong her.  And so, I put this out for all to see, to hold me accountable.  

I can't change the past, but I can certainly change the future.

This girl, is no longer anyone's doormat.

Maybe next year...Again

I used to think that our city was cursed when it came to professional sports. From  the Houston Oilers and the 1980s "Luv ya Blue" days, to the Houston Astros devastating loss in the 1986 playoffs.  It wasn't until the Houston Rockets finally brought a championship to our town in 1993-1994 and  again in 1994-1995, that a glimmer of hope began to set over my skeptical heart.  Then finally, in 2004, a miracle happened.  The Houston Astros clinched the division and advanced to the Fall Classic: The World Series, for the first time in it's 44 year history.  The entire city was ecstatic.  My father, who began a family tradition by taking me and my sister and my brothers to the Astrodome before we could even walk, cried the night they clinched.  He had been waiting and waiting and waiting, along with the rest of us and finally, his dream came true in 2004.  Optimism had returned to Houston.  And so, it is particularly difficult to write about the Texans' Cinderella season, and how it felt to watch it evaporate before our very eyes on Sunday afternoon.  At half-time our boys had gained momentum and were within 4 points of tying the Patriots.  Four. points.  Everyone watching with me was high-fiving and and laughing and couldn't wait for the third quarter to begin.  Oh how quickly the tables turned.  Final outcome was Houston 28 - New England 41.  The end.

As an avid sports fan, I believe that the Texans will indeed, come back next season and try harder to get over that first round play-offs "hump" that we seem to have gotten stuck on.  Not gonna lie, this loss stung.  It took the air out of the entire city, it seems.  Everyone was playing the "expert" on tv, on the radio, in print and in cyberspace.  All of sudden everyone had solutions and thrust blame on one or the other.  It got kind of ugly.  But today is another day.  Sure, we're disappointed and frustrated.  But it was an amazing season, no doubt about that.  And no one can ever take that away from us.  I just wish the outcome had been different.  Don't we all?

Oh well, in what has become this city's mantra: "Maybe next year".

The upside? Astros opening day is March 31st! See? Silver linings everywhere!

Happy Monday kids.

tethered soul -a poem of despair and my 500th post

I'm drowning in my own abyss
I cry out for help
No one hears me

Darkness surrounds me
When will it end?

I start to drift off
giving in to the 
bottomless chasm of nothingness

In another life
there was light
music
and laughter

Where did that go?
The silence is ringing in my ears
Nothing makes sense

When did I give up?
____________________________________________________

They say that when we are at our most trying times, is when our creativity blossoms.  I wrote this a few minutes ago, after pondering on events that transpired in my life recently.  Sometimes, our conscience reminds us that we are human and we make mistakes.  And other times, our conscience reminds us that grave and haste decisions, cut deeper than we could ever imagine.  -For those wondering why my jibberish is about, not to worry.  All is well. I'm just beating myself up over something that happened in my life recently.  We are our own worst critic, for sure.  Anyway, what a way to celebrate my 500th post, eh?  Do me a favor, if you pray, please do so for the Houston Texans tomorrow.  Game time is 3:30 p.m. (Central).  A win is the ONLY option!!!  Please and thank y'all! (Heh, a little Texas drawl for you)

Dating Woes of An Older Woman

Since when did sexual escapades become so complicated?  Calm down, maybe sexual escapades was not the best description to use.  Alright, as some of you know and can relate to, being single is difficult enough.  But being single, female, over forty aaaand trying to date, is downright exhausting! Not to mention, it's a lot of work and confusing and takes the fun out of it,  leaving me with no inclination to try again.

Men get scared.  Men suddenly become nervous.  Men run.  What.the.hell?  Seriously, they think that by going out on a date, it means that we ("we" being women) are all of a sudden in love with them and want to get married and have two kids and a dog or cat.  Or whatever.  Pfft.  Don't flatter yourselves so much guys.  A date is a date.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The past couple of months I decided to put myself at the mercy of my friends again and let them start setting me up with their prospective single male friends.  Yeah well, that went downhill really fast.  I went on a total of  four dates with two different men.  The first one I dubbed "the writer", he was very easy on the eyes,  but a very dark soul. He was lonely, depressed and very angry.   I get that writers, artists, creative folk, are emotional and passionate and have a "bad boy" or bad girl" side to them, myself included.  But good lord!  This guy would never crack a smile or have anything positive to say.  Everything was cryptic with him.  So why the second date?  Well because as I said, he was easy on the eyes and momma didn't raise no fool!  Alright I'm lying.  I went on second date with him because I hoped he'd just had a horrible day the first time we met and things were bound to be better the second time right? Wrong.  It was so bad, I'm not even going to discuss it.  So then there was my second round of "Yvonne's Adventures in Blind Dates", which took place in December.  This guy was a lawyer.  A friend of friend of a friend.  He was hot, he was a good dancer, he loved to laugh and make jokes.  He didn't make me nervous and he didn't try to kiss me on our first date.  But god did I want him too!  Don't judge me.  The only thing that was wrong with this guy?  He didn't live in Houston.  In fact, he doesn't even live in Texas.  He's from San Diego.Yeah.  In California.  Waaaay over there ---------->!  He was in Houston working on a case.  He stayed a week.  We spent most of it together and I eventually got that kiss.  We even talked of me going to visit.  And then,  I find out he's married.  Yeah.  As in, to someone else.  Why my so called friends would first, set me up with someone that doesn't even live in the same time zone as me, but then  set me up with a married man, I have not a clue.  Maybe I hurt them in my past life or something.  Who knows?  This is why I don't date.  Men are scum.  Ugh!

But that was soooo 2012.

Which brings me to my original story a few hundred words ago.  What? I have ADD, just bear with me.  Where was I? Oh yeah.  Why is it that as a woman in her forties, single, never married and no kids, is like a green light to younger, much, much, younger men, to try and get into my  their pants?  I don't know if it's because  they think women like that are a).  desperate  b).  desperate  c). easy  d). a sex guru.  Or maybe all of aforementioned?  I've always attracted younger men.  That's a given.  The relationships I have had in the past have always been with younger men.  There was only one man who was older, way older than me, that I dated for a year.  That was an eternity ago.  My point is that I suddenly feel like Hester Prynne in A Scarlet Letter. As if I'm marked or branded to make it easier for the younger guys to seek me out.  I'm not really complaining about being hit on or sought after by men who are younger than me, my complaint or dilemma is what kind of expectations they may have.  I have a girlfriend who is about thirty five or thirty six years old, she's single also and has the same problem.  Younger men want older women.  Why is that?  A few weeks ago I was out with friends, both men and women, married and single, and while polishing off bottles of wine, discussed this grand mystery.  Most of the guy friends said to "hit it and quit it" -did you expect anything less from them really?  But the women surprisingly, were divided. Some said to play their game, to have fun.  Others said to wave buh-bye and not waste our time.  I'm on the fence on this.  I could really go either way.  While I ultimately want or would like to have a relationship with someone that loves me, I am not opposed to having fun, as long as no one gets hurt and we're on the same page.  I mean, a woman's got needs right?  Right.  Stop judging me.  I don't know.  Dating, 'hooking up", all that stuff is way more complicated than it should be.

So what say you  kids?  Oh and just so you know, I hate the title to this post but creativity left my brain an hour ago.  I'm off to count sheep.

Hello 2013!

I can't say I'm sad to see 2012 is over.  I'm actually quite pleased that it's finally gone.  I'm anxious to begin my projects, start working towards some goals I've made for this new year.  I'm ready to leave all of my mistakes, missteps, bad decisions, horrible dates, fair weather friends and all of the unnecessary drama that follow them, behind me.  I learned some very tough lessons in 2012, in love, in life and in general.  Over the Christmas holidays, I made amends with someone that meant the world to me.  I even blogged about it here: http://yvonne-writingmylifeaway.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-christmas-miracle.html We had not spoken in two years.   What I thought was a step towards mending our relationship and renewing our friendship, blew up in my face in the blink of an eye.  Sometimes, you just have to walk away.  And that's what I've done.  No regrets, I'm glad I got to finally tell him everything that had been eating me up for so long.  I'm glad he knows exactly how I felt when we had our falling out and how I feel now.  I made my peace with him.  Our story is over.  While I am saddened about this, more than words can ever convey, I accept it.  I know that in a few days, I'll be fine.  I know that my heart will be whole again, it's just going to be a little bruised for a little while.  But I'll be fine.  2013 will be all about me.  All about making me happy, all about doing what I love to do, and enjoying my life, in ways I've never experienced before.  I am determined to make myself happy with myself.  I am determined to learn to love myself.  I am determined not to run at the first sign of trouble, or obstacle.  I will confront my inner battles, and I will beat them.

My wish for all of you, is to do the same. Live your life, laugh a lot, hug your loved ones, don't be so serious all the time, let go of anger, and enjoy the journey that 2013 has in store for you.

Happy New Year my friends!