Sunday, January 20, 2013

about a girl...

What can you say about a girl who is kind to everyone, is eager to help others whenever possible, puts herself second and sometime third to whatever crisis or whoever needs her most? For both family and friends?  Or of that same girl, who yearns for the love of a good man, but settles for the type of man who uses her, takes and takes from her, both figuratively and literally?  This girl who will move mountains to make others happy, so that they will still want her.  Foregoing her own happiness along the way.  Compromising who she is, just for the sake of pleasing others.

Would you say she is a poor, pathetic soul?  Would you say she needs to learn to say no and stand up for herself?  Would you say she needs to love herself a little bit more?
 And this same girl, who questions her very motives, wonders what is wrong with her?  Wonders if she’s going crazy? Or if she is such a bad person, that this way of life is her punishment?  Cries out to God, to ask why she keeps doing these same things?

What would you tell her?

This is what is on my mind today.  Every day.  Always. 

 It’s very easy to read this from the outside and say, “What the f*** is wrong with her?”  or “Just stop it already!”  Trust me, I’ve said this to myself many times over.  But breaking this vicious cycle is anything but easy. 

At the end of December, I vowed to change.  I vowed that no one, whether it is family or friends or lovers, would ever take advantage of me again.  But here it is, January 20, 2013, and I find myself losing this battle.  And for what?  For nothing.  It’s as if I give of myself, of my time, in exchange for a little affection or attention.  Give and give until there is nothing left.  I’m not even half the person I used to be.  And that, makes me incredibly sad.

I lost myself, somewhere along the way...

Somewhere deep inside me, is the fighter longing to come out, the inner bitch waiting to wreak havoc on everyone that has wronged her or wants to wrong her.  And so, I put this out for all to see, to hold me accountable.  

I can't change the past, but I can certainly change the future.

This girl, is no longer anyone's doormat.


Robin said...

Good for you. Sounds like you've thrown down the gauntlet. Great first step. I like getting things in writing, too. said...

Yes, good for you. You go, girlfriend.
I also want to say, though, being an open-hearted person too, we often can't tell when someone's going to dupe us. It's tricky, because we don't want to detach from the world (well, I often do want to). Taking chances usually involves getting hurt. That's what stinks. Stay on track with taking care of you first and foremost. The rest will fall into place.


Kelli Hale said...

I too struggle with this constantly. This world just isn't build for us open hearted souls anymore. It is a constant battle and as days go by things seem to slip farther and farther away. Hang in there! You will find a balance that works for you, you just have to keep your chin up. :)

Kimberly said...

Glad you're hanging in there. I recently listened to the audio version of Dance of Anger -- which I had read years ago.

Somehow, NOW was just the right time for me to hear that message again.

Maybe for you too?

HUGS -- big nonjudgmental HUGS

Caitlin said...

best wishes for you! i often find myself feeling similarly. have you checked out emily freeman's "grace for the good girl?" it's a book all about this thought process. xoxo

Yvonne said...

Robin- Thank you, writing this piece was painfully therapeutic. I cried the whole time.

Robyn- Thanks sweets! I'm a work in progress, clearly.

Kelli- thanks, I'm trying, trust me!

Kimberly- oh wow, thanks! I'm going to check that out as well. I appreciate your hugs!:)

Caitlin- No I haven't, but it's on my list now. Thank you!

Random Girl said...

You know what I say to this? Chin up, Cupcake! And I mean that in the most positive way possible. I too am someone that often will sacrifice myself in any number of ways to please others or make the road easier for someone else even if it makes mine more difficult. It's exhausting.
I wish for you to find strength to hold your line strong as you move forward and into change.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This may sound odd, but I feel compelled to share something that I don't share with many people. Have you ever heard of Codependents Anonymous? It was literally a godsend for me. And I am not a therapy or support group kind of person. And yet while I really needed it, it was there for me and the strength and rationality I got from it was priceless. Just a thought I felt like sharing.

David Batista said...

Sorry to hear you're going through such tough realizations, Yvonne. I've been there, done the therapy for that. I had to learn why is it that I think my happiness isn't as important as others' happiness. And while I now understand that I need to put myself first, I'm not willing to be a cold-hearted bastard to do so. There has to be some middle ground, but damn if I know what that is at the moment.

I will continue to be giving and supportive to both family and friends, because I can't change myself into an uncaring person. But at the same time, I have learned to say 'no' when such support gets in the way of my own wants.

It's a tough balancing act, to be sure. But you're not alone. Hang in there!

Yvonne said...

RG- Thank you, I appreciate that very much. It's not easy, but I'm confident that I will get through this and be a better person because of it. So glad you dropped by! :)

David- That's where I am, trying to understand why I feel others' happiness is more important than my own. Not easy. Not in a good place right now. Baby steps, as my therapist tells me. I'm grateful for the people in my life who genuinely have my best interests at heart. And of course, my bloggies. Thanks for your words. And good for you, for finally putting yourself first. Oh and I totally agree, you don't have to be a jerk about it, just be firm and stand your ground. :)

YRJ- It's not odd at all. I have heard of that yes. I'm actually trying to find a local chapter close to my house or my job. Probably will start going in a few weeks. I'm actually looking forward to do so. Thank you hun, for your words of encouragement and suggestions.

Belle said...

Finding balance in our lives is hard. It is good to help people, but how much and for how long is the question. I sometimes ask my self this. What is great about you is that you keep trying to know yourself and grow.

Yvonne said...

Belle- yes it is very hard, to find balance. That's all I can do, is keep trying. -Thanks for your comments, dear Belle!

Don said...

Yvonne, I think it was AA that said we should accept those things we can't change, and work to change those things that we can. Apparently you are doing that and I wish you the very best with HUGS and admiration.

Yvonne said...

Don- thanks so much!