What can you say about a girl who is kind to everyone, is eager to help others whenever possible, puts herself second and sometime third to whatever crisis or whoever needs her most? For both family and friends? Or of that same girl, who yearns for the love of a good man, but settles for the type of man who uses her, takes and takes from her, both figuratively and literally? This girl who will move mountains to make others happy, so that they will still want her. Foregoing her own happiness along the way. Compromising who she is, just for the sake of pleasing others.
Would you say she is a poor, pathetic soul? Would you say she needs to learn to say no and stand up for herself? Would you say she needs to love herself a little bit more?
And this same girl, who questions her very motives, wonders what is wrong with her? Wonders if she’s going crazy? Or if she is such a bad person, that this way of life is her punishment? Cries out to God, to ask why she keeps doing these same things?
What would you tell her?
This is what is on my mind today. Every day. Always.
It’s very easy to read this from the outside and say, “What the f*** is wrong with her?” or “Just stop it already!” Trust me, I’ve said this to myself many times over. But breaking this vicious cycle is anything but easy.
At the end of December, I vowed to change. I vowed that no one, whether it is family or friends or lovers, would ever take advantage of me again. But here it is, January 20, 2013, and I find myself losing this battle. And for what? For nothing. It’s as if I give of myself, of my time, in exchange for a little affection or attention. Give and give until there is nothing left. I’m not even half the person I used to be. And that, makes me incredibly sad.
I lost myself, somewhere along the way...
Somewhere deep inside me, is the fighter longing to come out, the inner bitch waiting to wreak havoc on everyone that has wronged her or wants to wrong her. And so, I put this out for all to see, to hold me accountable.
I can't change the past, but I can certainly change the future.
This girl, is no longer anyone's doormat.