Under a rock

When people let me down
when I feel as if  there is nothing left to give
when I feel as if I am all alone
I come here
to my sanctuary

The familiar blank screen
staring at me
willing me to decorate it with my words
Here I feel safe

And so I write

Sometimes, none of it makes any sense
other times, my words are stellar

One of the reasons I started blogging again in 2010, (after an extended break in 2007) was because I was falling into a deep onset of depression.  The MONSTER, as I so lovingly named it.  Writing during that dark period of my life was therapeutic and cathartic.  The blog friends I  made along the way,  helped me  ways that they will truly never know.  And they still do.  And I find that amazingly comforting to me.

There is a lot of inner  turmoil going on with me.  I'm finding myself questioning not only my life, and decisions I've made, but also accepting hard lessons, letting go of painful situations and sifting through people who profess to have your best interest at heart, but not really.  Everywhere I turn, it seems people are only out to look out for themselves, to see what is in it for them. You would think I would have learned my lesson after the hundredth millionth time, but no,  I am a second chance kinda gal.  And I am also freaking out about my age and my upcoming birthday.  I know, I know, age is just a number and I'm only as old as I feel and all the other quick one liners and pick me ups, that are being thrown out there.  It's akin to me having a mid-life crisis, without the boy toy or the sporty car.  Make sense?  Meh, just go with it, ok???

It's exhausting, all this self-awareness and realization crap!  And it's also emotionally draining.  As I'm sure those of you who are still reading this, can attest to.

Enough.

Tomorrow is another day, and all that...

By the way,  all of you taking the time to read this all the way through, are the BEST! xoxo

you decide

my mind is racing
destination unknown

fragments of memories
good
bad
heart-wrenching
fill my head and take over my mind

i try to slow it down
but it ignores me

constant movement
endless jabber

the voices of regret
the voices of anger
the voices of fear
and lastly,
of happiness
growing louder and louder

what does this all mean?
where am i headed?
why am i still here?
_______________________________________________

don't even try to decipher what i just wrote.  i don't even know myself.  those particular words just spilled out as i typed.  maybe it has something to do with the funeral from last week, or maybe it's the fact that i'm going to be forty-six in a few months, and that the mere thought, scares the hell out of me.  or maybe it's because my life is so disorganized and without direction rght now.

i dunno.

perhaps it's none of what i am feeling.  perhaps i just had a classic case of writers block.  and this was the best i could do.

just words

Death. No one likes to talk about it.  It's like the elephant in the room, that everyone sees, but no one acknowledges.  Yet it is there.  Everywhere.  Permeating life.  I have a heavy heart tonight.  A childhood friend of mine, has a niece, who now lays lifeless in a hospital bed.  She is strapped to all kinds of monitors, and contraptions.  Surrounded by her loved ones.  A machine is breathing for her.  As she cannot do it on her own.  There has been no brain wave activity for days now.  Everyone is praying.  Hoping.  Wishing.  Negotiating with God or whoever it is they believe in, to let her wake up.  To bring her back to her family.  I don't know if she will wake up.  I pray she does.  And can return to her life, to her children at home.  It appears she has suffered a stroke.  She is twenty-six years old.

I keep trying to grasp it, to understand it, but I can't.  How could a seemingly healthy, vibrant and beautiful young woman, be perfectly fine one minute, and then the next minute, be in a coma?  How does this even happen?

My heart aches for her.  For my friend.  For all of the family, who now stand in vigil at the hospital.

It kind of puts everything in perspective for me, as far as priorities and mindless, petty, nuances that happen in my life.  My sister and I met for dinner the evening.  Yet neither one of us could eat.  We just sat there, staring at each other, crying, wondering what we could do for them.

Helpless.  That's how we feel.

Pray.

That's all I can do. That's all anyone can do.  Well, that and have lots and lots and lots of faith.

I believe in miracles.  I am living proof that they can happen.  So I still hang on to that little bit of fraying hope, that she will pull through.

Please wake up Ashley.

"you spin me right round baby, right round, like a record, baby..."

the group, dead or alive, a british new wave band from the eighties, wrote and performed the lyrics to the song in the title of this post.  i thought it appropriate for my story tonight. and?  it's all i had.  

nothing like your world spinning out of control, (literally) to make you appreciate the little things in life.  little things like, breathing, walking, smiling, talking.  you know, the usual.  my fourth of july holiday was grand! the days that followed, however, have not been so great.  i spent friday (my day off) laid up in bed, not being able to stand because of severe dizziness.  luckily, the malaise only lasted a few hours.  yay!  my day was not a total bust after all! so i went on with my original plans.  running errands and attending a swimming party in the evening.  well,  saturday morning i woke up to nausea extreme dizziness again.  the dizziness was unbearable.  nothing i did would make it stop or at least, let up.  on the contrary, it only seemed to get worse.  so after spending most of the day in bed, i finally called my sister to drive me to the er.  three hours, a ct scan, an ekg, 3 vials of blood and $100 co-pay later, i was told that i am suffer from benign positional vertigo (bpv).  which basically means that there is a disturbance within the inner ear.  the inner ear has fluid-filled tubes called semicircular canals.  the canals are very sensitive to movement of the fluid, which occurs when we change positions.  the fluid movement allows our brain to interpret our body's position and maintain our balance.  it usually occurs when a small piece of bone-like calcium breaks free and floats within the tube of the inner ear,  sending confusing messages to our brain.  thus making it think we are moving, when in actuality, we are standing still.  

scary stuff, kids.  scary stuff.  yeah i'm a total girl when it comes to this.  i hate, hate, hate to spin!  i do not like that sensation and is the primary reason why i never got on the "cool" rides at the now defunct, astroworld, or why i never wanted to drink alcohol.  well, i still don't ride the rides, but i do indulge in adult beverages now.  all in moderation of course. 

ugh.  so this was my weekend.  not a total bust, but not the epic one that i had been planning.  oh well, there's always next weekend to look forward to, right?  

finding out just how magic, mike really is

monday, oh how i loathe you.  except today.  in honor of this being a short work week for me (fourth of july aaand being off on friday), i have decided to give you a pass.  therefore, i like you this week.  what's up kids? ready to tackle the week ahead?  eh, me either.

so the weekend.  right.  let's jump right into it, shall we?  friday night was uneventful and very low-key.  saturday proved a bit daunting.  the weather was just not cooperating with my plans.  it rained most, if not all morning.  so instead of going to the park to get my excercise on, i had to "plan b" it, and went to the gym instead.  after completing my work out, i went back home to prepare for the day ahead.

 i'm sure by now, you've all heard about this little movie that came out on friday, yes?  something to do with dancing and hot, sexy men and, oh yeah, nakedness, a lot of nakedness.  still clueless?  magic mike premiered over the weekend and our very own, self-proclaimed, "texas golden boy" -aka matthew mcconaughey, stars in the movie, along with channing tatum, joe manganiello, matthew bomer, and a bevy of other delectable talented actors.

so me and about 13 of my girlfriends, met for brunch and then took over the movie theater.  literally.  it was a man's wet dream in there, guys.  seriously.  there were so many women in there, all kinds, all sizes, all ages, i saw young, middle-aged, old, very old, dressed up, dressed down, all on the same mission: to see this movie.  woe to anyone who got in our way. our group was one of the rowdiest ones.  they we were laughing and yelling and high-fiving, woo-hooing, and oh-babying each other, and this was even before there was anything on the screen!  i swear, you'd think that we were about to see a "live" show or something.  the scene was unreal!  once the lights dimmed, and the movie began, i thought they we would calm down, yeah right. it only got worse!  i guarantee you that no one in that room, cared if there was a plot or even audio to this movie.  that's the truth.  overall, the movie was silly.  i could have done without the drama they put in there.  i could have gone for a lot more stripping and matthew, and channing and joe...yum!  sorry.  got carried away there.   i'm telling you, the movie theater was THE place to be for single men this weekend. can you say, "lucky"???  exactly.  one of my guy friends posted on fb that he would be outside after the movie, selling batteries (you know, for the vibrators) heh.  such an idiot, he is.  

we had a post-debriefing of the movie of course.  you know, to go over and over and over, how cute, hot and sexy the guys were.  mix in a few alcoholic drinks, and oh yeah, it made for a fabulous saturday/night.

sunday came and went in a blur.  a good part of my day was spent regretting that "just one more" glass of wine, from the night before.  bleh.  no worries.  i was up and functional by mid-day.  still manged to get myself into trouble (the good kind), and even managed another chapter in my book.  so not too bad for slightly dehydrated, little ol' me.  that's my story anyway.