Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Under a rock

When people let me down
when I feel as if  there is nothing left to give
when I feel as if I am all alone
I come here
to my sanctuary

The familiar blank screen
staring at me
willing me to decorate it with my words
Here I feel safe

And so I write

Sometimes, none of it makes any sense
other times, my words are stellar

One of the reasons I started blogging again in 2010, (after an extended break in 2007) was because I was falling into a deep onset of depression.  The MONSTER, as I so lovingly named it.  Writing during that dark period of my life was therapeutic and cathartic.  The blog friends I  made along the way,  helped me  ways that they will truly never know.  And they still do.  And I find that amazingly comforting to me.

There is a lot of inner  turmoil going on with me.  I'm finding myself questioning not only my life, and decisions I've made, but also accepting hard lessons, letting go of painful situations and sifting through people who profess to have your best interest at heart, but not really.  Everywhere I turn, it seems people are only out to look out for themselves, to see what is in it for them. You would think I would have learned my lesson after the hundredth millionth time, but no,  I am a second chance kinda gal.  And I am also freaking out about my age and my upcoming birthday.  I know, I know, age is just a number and I'm only as old as I feel and all the other quick one liners and pick me ups, that are being thrown out there.  It's akin to me having a mid-life crisis, without the boy toy or the sporty car.  Make sense?  Meh, just go with it, ok???

It's exhausting, all this self-awareness and realization crap!  And it's also emotionally draining.  As I'm sure those of you who are still reading this, can attest to.


Tomorrow is another day, and all that...

By the way,  all of you taking the time to read this all the way through, are the BEST! xoxo


Average Girl said...

Oh sweetie... even with a boy toy... i have been there... last year i started this 500 days of happiness thing on facebook so that I could get myself out of my slump. at first i felt so dark and unhappy and i wasn't sure i could accomplish it, in fact, i took a few breaks along the way and had help of some fantastic friends, but you know, after i really took a step back and saw that life was really about more simple things, things started bubbling out of me, whether i was in pain or not. now i have 60 days left and i feel really happy, only because i had to change within and realize that life is not about what we see on tv, what people expect of us or where people expect us to be in life due to our age or circumstances. We are in life at the point we are because we need it at that moment, whether we know it or not. Yvonne you are a beauty inside and out, age means nothing it doesn't define you. when i read your posts, i see a strong, amazing, fantabulous woman who at whatever age would be the perfect role model for so many women. I wish you happiness darlin, you are the projection of beauty! xoxo

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I'll hand you another one liner that will hopefully make you smile: Yes, getting older sucks, but hey what's the alternative?!
Keep on keepin' on. I know you have a lot to offer and I appreciate you sharing.

Alessandra said...

I agree with Tracy, life is definitely not what other people or the world out there says it is. I know what it's like getting close to your birthday every year and I found those stupid one liners annoying as heck. I learned a long time ago that finding somebody you can really count on is not easy, but I am constantly surprised by the caliber of people I meet in blog land. You're a funny, intelligent, and interesting person, and many people, me included, would count themselves lucky to call you their friend.
I know all about depression and it is truly a monster. Anything you need, please know that I am here for you. :)

Don said...

Yvonne, I wasted several years in a clinically depressed funk, so I know how you feel. All manner of meds were used to make me well, and I was hospitalized twice for depression. None of that worked. I contemplated suicide but I thought I was so much of a failure that I'd botch it and end up in a vegetative state requiring someone to care for me and I couldn't accept that. I left home 3 times and lived in primitive conditions. Then one day I just decided that I wasn't going to put up with that crap any more and that I would just make the most out of my life for as long as I lived. That was around 20 years ago, and I'm still kicking.

You can do it too.


Mynx said...

It isn't always easy, life, family, those rotten birthdays that keep coming around. And the fact that you have somewhere you can come to release those demons is a good thing.
Blogging is wonderful as a support, for me it is what keeps me sane.
Stay strong beautiful lady. Lots of people care about you

Yvonne said...

All- Thank you so very much for your encouragement and for the kind words. I appreciate all of you, more than you know!

Insomniac #4 said...

Blogging is the best for of therapy, isn't it? You're right -- age is just a number and it's nothing to feel depressed about (though I will probably eat those words in a couple weeks)

Keep on blogging and writing whatever words come to mind. It's helped me immensely as I'm sure it's helped you. Hope you're feeling better about things! :)

Yvonne said...

Insomniac- Yes it really is. I can't tell you how much it has helped me sort through the mess that is my life. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better. Just taking it day to day. Thanks for your encouraging words, I truly appreciate them! :)

Belle said...

Yes, it is hard when people let you down. I'm pretty leery about people too. Hopefully, there is one or two people you can count on to be there for you. Hugs.

Yvonne said...

Belle- There are a few that I can truly count on. :)