Tuesday, June 5, 2012

the matter of trust

it's not very common for me to open up and let you into my "circle".  although, from reading my blog, you'd think it was the complete opposite right? i'm kind of an open book out here in cyberland.  but in all honesty, i'm a very shy and quiet person.  stop laughing.  it's true!  when i meet someone, anyone, be it a coworker, or a friend or a relative or a complete stranger even, i always have my guard up.  it's a common thing.  we don't know who everyone is, we're not familiar with them, so we put our walls up.  a defense mechanism that helps shield us from pain and sorrow.  well, sometimes we let people get through those walls.  get into our "safe haven" and break those barriers down.  there are a handful of people in my life, that have seen me bare.  no, not nekkid.  get your mind out of the gutter, you freaks! that's a different post for another time.  what i mean is, they've seen my soul.  there is pretty much nothing that they do not know about me.  and the same for them, with me.  well, what happens when that one person who you counted on, and believed in, and trusted blindly, lets you down?  i'm not talking, let's you down in the sense of forgetting a birthday, or dinner plans, or anything like that.  i'm talking about when that one person that you held in the highest regard, doesn't trust you.  believes second and third parties, takes their word over yours, without so much as a, "wtf is going on?" from them.  almost nine months ago, i lost a friendship that i cherished. for the longest time i mourned the demise.  for months and months i wondered and wondered and wondered, what i had done wrong, what had happened to make this person just cast me aside. well, i finally got all the answers (and then some) i was looking for.  over the weekend, through sheer chance, circumstance, divine intervention, God's wacky sense of humor, -take your pick, i learned the reason(s) that led up to the end of that relationship.  and let me tell you something, knowing now, versus almost a year ago, does not lessen the pain that i feel.  on the contrary, it only exacerbates it.  because now i'm angry and i want revenge. and i want to yell and scream and do all kinds of hateful things to this person.  i want him to hurt just as much as his actions or inactions, hurt me.  it comes down to the fact that this person, who professed to care for me, who professed to be my best friend, was a big phony.  he didn't trust me.  he took someone else's words and believed them. never stopping or bothering to find out the truth.  the truth. heh. all of this makes me want to crawl back into myself and not come out. and not trust anyone.  because it's not worth it.  really.  it just isn't.  

sigh.

lucky for him, i am not a vindictive person.  as much as i want to be, i'm not.  karma will take care of that fool, tenfold.  THAT i know!  in the meantime, i've got to figure out how not to become jaded.  i do not want to be that girl.  and i want to be able to give without wondering each time if everyone has ulterior motives.  that's just not who i am.  but i can certainly  see myself becoming this way.

bleh.  live and learn and live and learn.  isn't that what it's all about anyway?  

you know what else sucks? i totally thought it was wednesday night and i was getting all giddy that in a few hours it would be thursday.  ugh!!!! imagine my disappointment when i realized it's still, only tuesday.  

alright.  that's what's happening in yvonne's world -right now anyway.  tune in tomorrow. no particular reason why, just tune in, ok? please? i'm needy like that.

be good kids.  me and my broken heart are going to go sleep our sorrows away.
  

5 comments:

Don said...

Trust is the most essential ingredient in establishing friendships.

Being careful as a defense mechanism is prudent.

Taking revenge for having been done wrong is never an answer.

Karma works wonders.

If a hug or two will help console you.......HUG, HUG, HUG, Hon.

David Batista said...

Sorry to hear this, Yvonne. I always thought that there is no worse feeling than being betrayed. Also, the one thing hardest to forgive, especially from those closest to us.

Chin up!

And, strange, I too thought that yesterday was Wednesday. I wonder what's happening?

Robin said...

I've been going through it with my closest friends, too. In the recent past and not so recent past. Different friends. I would tell you that it goes down easier as time goes on but it doesn't really. That person held a piece of your heart and that piece will always be scarred now. However, I can tell you that not letting anyone else won't make you happier. I went through a phase recently where I was dreaming and screaming out loud, "There is no point in allowing anyone to get too close because they will only BREAK YOUR HEART." But, the same thing that breaks your heart also can heal your heart. Love. And it is no good going through this life thing alone. It is simply up to us be wiser. So, I will get back on the friendship horse if you will. Deal???

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This is so tough. I'm glad that you have seen the light so to speak, but sorry that you are hurting.
I think I have even been the one to split the scene unexpectedly and just didn't know how to say what needed to be said. It is immature and unfair, I know. Sometimes it's harder to be truthful with people we do care about so much...
I don't make a practice of hiding from my own feelings anymore so I don't run from the truth. It's a maturing process I think.
I hope you meet people who are more ready to be worthy of your friendship and trust in the very near future!

Yvonne said...

Don- thanks!

David- tis very true. but i'm going to be just fine! :)

Robin- Ok, deal! I just need time to regroup and to heal this very tethered heart.

YRJ- Aww, thanks so much! I appreciate your kind words. :)