wednesday night blatherings aka "i got nothin"

Happy Leap Day everyone!  When I was much, much, younger, I used to think that "Leap Year"  meant that we had to "leap" into the air.  Really. I thought that.  It wasn't until one of my classmates told me what it really meant, that I realized the error of my ways.  Whatever. I was super popular that day in school, and that's all I cared about.

Moving on.

I gave up all caffeinated drinks for Lent.  I'm a Coca-cola fanatic so giving it up is a HUGE sacrifice for me.  Really! I'm totally addicted to it. Well, today is day eight of no cokes. EIGHT days! Do you know how awesome that makes me feel? I am totally psyched!  The headaches?  That's another story.  I've never had so many headaches in my life! And I've cut down on my sugar intake as well, so I have become a monster! It's true, ask my coworkers.  If I cross your path, get out of my way! You have been warned.

In other news,  let's talk "unfinished business", shall we?  I'm notorious for starting something, anything, but never finishing.  Except books.  I always finish reading my books.  I'm kinda tired of being known in my family and circle of friends, as "Halfer", NOT to be confused with "Hefer", thank you!  I don't remember which one of my friends gave me that name.  It means I only do things to a certain point, and then I stop.  Hence, the "Halfer".  But how do I break out of this horrible pattern of mine?  It's not productive at all.  And it leaves me stagnant.  My life is put on hold.  Which is how I usually feel. As if my life is on hold, while everyone else's life is moving right along.  Know what I mean?  

Sigh, let's keep moving kids.  Did you hear? Davey Jones passed away today.  So sad!  I'll always remember the infamous episode of the Brady Bunch when Marcia gets him to play at her school dance.  And of course the ever famous line, "How about the flip side?" Davey says after Marcia kisses his cheek.  Yes I know I'm a total geek, nerd, whatever.

Ok bloggies, that's it's for tonight.  I know, I know, you're sad.  As you should be.   But don't fret, I'll be back!  I always come back. I hope you do too!  ---I know, I'm full of it! But you love me anyway. Right? Right???

Go hard or Go home!

the feel of sweat beads running down your face
grunting sounds

being instructed to
kick
higher
run
faster

determination

your body yelling at you to stop
the million excuses why you should just leave, tormenting your mind
that overwhelming urge to give up and run away
the feeling of accomplishment when it's finally over
the natural high you feel walking to your car
your clothes and your body, wet
a good work-out  -there's nothing else like it.
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Happy Monday bloggies! Hope your weekend was grand!  As you can tell, I had an awesome work-out tonight and wanted to tell you all about it!  See how thoughtful I am?  So it's Rodeo time again in our city.  Giddy-up and all that.  I'm not really into it, can you tell?  The city is all dressed up and ready to show the world we know how to Rodeo!  Yeehaw! -Ok I'm gonna stop.  I'm starting to feel nauseous.  Alright, So what's up with everyone? How's life?  The fam?  Catch me up!

Vindication

This week's writing prompt was about conflict and violence.  This quote was our guide:

"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." -Mahatma Gandi
_______________________________________________________


"I warned you that I would kill you if you touched Emily or Matthew again!" I yelled menacingly at the poor excuse of a man, aka my brother-in-law.

I had caught him by surprise.  He was sitting in the garage, drinking a beer and watching a football game on the t.v.  After yet another "fall down the stairs" suffered by my sister Emily, I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands.  And so, I drove to their house. My sister and my nephew safely tucked away at a relative's house.

Enough was enough!

"What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my house before I call the police!"  yelled the coward.  He stood up and started walking towards me.

"You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not my sister, your asshole!"

He was now, thisclose to me.  I could see the beads of sweat forming on his face.  The smell of beer permeated my senses.

"You're going to regret this you stupid bitch!"  He shoved me so hard I fell against the pool table.

Not again.  He had caused enough damage.  He needed to be stopped.

He laughed at me and turned to walk away.

I reached into my jeans pocket and took out a pocket knife.  My father used it to gut fish.  I would use it to gut a pig.

"This is for Emily and Matthew!"  I yelled at him as I stabbed the back of his neck.  He jolted forward and the turned to face me.  His face was now flushed red with anger.

"I'm bleeding!"  This seemed to incense him.  He lunged at me.  But I was ready for him.  As he pushed me to the ground and tried to hit me, I fought him off with one hand while stabbing him in the face, shoulders, chest, anywhere I could stab him, with my my other arm.

"I hate you! I hate you so much!" I screamed at him.

Suddenly, I was fueled by a force I didn't recognize. I kept thinking of all the times my sister would show up at my house, bleeding and bruised, crying in despair.  I thought of my five year old nephew, and his state of mind and how he could grow up to be just like his monster of a father.  I thought of all those times she left, only to be lured back.

"Now they'll never hurt again!" I said to his listless body.

"Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Talking to Myself"

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with yourself.  Sometimes, okay, a lot of times, that conversation needs to take place more than once.  I've been thinking about this all day. What I would say to myself  this time.  What  words could I use to somehow "click" in my brain and help me realize what I'm doing to myself.  The thing is, I don't have any new words.  They are the same.  But then, so are my infractions.

Here goes nothing...


Yvonne, you've fallen into some old patterns.  You were doing so well, being positive and staying on track.  Yet, you've somehow lost yourself again.  Lost sight of your dreams, your goals.  You've started to let life live you, instead of the other way around.  I don't need to remind you that that novel is not going to finish itself.  Or that the weight is not going to come off by sheer will alone.  What is it that scares you into a standstill?  Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?  It's like the character in the movie Groundhog Day -you're living it over and over again.  Maybe you're hoping for different results.  But you see, in order for that to happen, different strategies must be placed.  You can't keep hurting yourself like this. I know you want the best for you, I know how badly you yearn for validity and success and love to come to you, in all aspects of your life.  Sometimes, I want to shake you so hard that you'll never want to revert to your old ways ever again.  But we both know that only you can make yourself come to that realization.  Stop pouting, stop making excuses for yourself and your actions.  Own the consequences of your choices.  The good and the bad.  Let yourself, love yourself.  Stop being your own worst enemy.

And so, that's it.  I sit here, writing this as tears are falling down my face.  Each tear represents how much I hate to to face the truth.,  My truth.  I'm not perfect.  I am merely someone who is currently struggling with her arch nemesis: herself.  As I've said before in previous posts, no one likes to face themselves in  the mirror.  Not when your soul is bare, naked. With every spec, every mistake you've ever made with your life, staring you back in the face.  Everyone always says we are the hardest on ourselves.  And they're right. I know I struggle with my issues, my "baggage", as it were, on a daily basis.   Calling yourself out is warranted every now and again.  It's a way to keep you grounded and to remind you to get off your ass and start doing something about it.

I almost feel like I should apologize for this post.  It's all over the place and not making a lot of sense to anyone.  But I won't.  -apologize.  This is me.

How about you?  Do you ever have a "Come to Jesus" talk with yourself? What do you say?  Does it help you?  Do you listen to what you have to say? Or do you just sit there and wait for it to be over?

Well kids, at the risk of scaring all of you away, I'm going to put this post out of it's misery.  Thanks for dropping by and do come back!

Pretty please.

Open Letter to New Jersey Governor Christie

Dear Governor:

Most of the world knows entertainer Whitney Houston died last week.  I, along with millions of others, were saddened by the passing of such an amazingly talented woman.  Most would agree with you that she was a special kind of woman, with a voice that was truly a gift.  However,  ordering all state and American flags to fly at half-staff today; the day of her funeral, was a horrible idea and truly disrespectful.  Last year, you did the same thing when saxophone player, Clarence Clemons passed away.  And lest we forget, Pennsylvania Governor, Tom Corbett, ordered the flags to be flown at half-staff in honor of Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno's passing.  Seriously?  As an American, I take great offense to such  irresponsibility, lack of tact, and clear abuse of power that was exhibited.

The honor of flags being lowered to half-staff should be reserved to those who have perished as a result of public duty, our service men and women who are out there protecting our nation and the Constitution, and for those who served as formal leaders and dignitaries. NOT for celebrities.  With all due respect to Whitney Houston, what exactly did she contribute to this country to merit such an elite and respected accolade that is or is supposed to be reserved for servicemen and women, public servants, presidents and other dignitaries alike?  She was an entertainer for godsakes!  Yes her death was a true tragedy.  I get that.  And I don't belittle her accomplishments but to put her and the others in the same category as those that serve in military or public servants is such a ridiculous concept to me!  Not to mention a slap in the face to those families of wounded officers, or the widows/widowers/children and loved ones they have left behind.


I realize that my words will do nothing to change matters or make a difference to your audacity.  But it will make me feel better. And it will give voice to those that are perhaps not able to convey to you what utter disrespect your actions have wrought.


Shame on you Governor, shame on you.


Sincerely,


One Pissed-off American 

To My Valentine

You are somewhere in this world
lost and lonely

I don't know who you are yet
I can't see your face
But I know your heart
and it belongs to me

Just as mine,
belongs to you

You yearn for a woman to help
bring out the best in you,
to laugh with you,
cry with you,
grow with you

You search and search
through dates, relationships and insignificant encounters

Time is of no significance
Who can  put time restraints on matters of the heart?

And so I wait,
hopeful,
for you,
my love.

This was inspired by my unending hope that somewhere out there, someone waits for me.  I'm a hopeless romantic, I can admit it.  :)

boredom and malbec

In the spirit of Valentine's day and because it's Friday night and I'm home, bored and about to pour myself a glass of wine, I thought I'd share a few things about my horror dating stories with you.  Because I have SO many!  <------  I hope you read that in the same sarcastic voice that I used.  You did? Good.  Ready? Here we go:

Best Kiss Ever
July of 2005.  One hot summer night, in the soft, misty rain.  My heart was pounding so loud, I swear he could hear it.  I'm not kidding, His face thisclose to mine.  His lips, gingerly caressing my lips.  A wave of jolting electricity went through my body when our mouths met.  I swear I could have melted from that kiss!

Best Date Ever
I couldn't pick just one.  September of 2004 and August of 2007.  Different dates, obviously.  What stands out the most about these dates is how happy I felt.  How at ease we were with each other and how effortless our evenings were.  There was laughter and seriousness and deep conversation.  What there wasn't was expectations or agendas.  I'm not knocking my other dates throughout the years by any means, I mean, I've had some pretty awesome dates in my life, it's just that these two, will always be special to me.  And that makes them the best. -so far

Worst Kiss Ever
I was on a first date with someone that a friend had set me up with. (Yes I'm a glutton for punishment!) There was no attraction on my part, but I could tell he was interested in me. At any rate, when he went in for the kiss, I let him.  Hey, what can I say? I'd had some wine and the mood was right.  Or maybe I just wanted it to be right. Bleh! So he kisses me and right away I'm thinking to myself, "Make it stop! Make it stop!!!" First, he had bad breath. Not beer breath or liquor breath, just BAD breath. Second, I felt as if a dog had lapped my face -it was so wet. And third, he nearly choked me with his tongue down my throat, on my teeth, it was like I was getting a free teeth cleaning! That kids, was and still is to this day, the worst kiss ever!

Lamest Line used on me
Him- "Do you know what time it is?"
Me- "Um, it's ......"
Him- "No, it's time for me to show you what heaven is like.  Follow me."
Me- No response.  Just walked away. And then I laughed.

Best Line Used on Me -that worked!
Him - "Hi, I'm ...."
extends his hand out to mine

Me- shaking his hand say, "I'm Yvonne..."
Word of advice to the fellas, sometimes, less is more.  -just saying.

Worst Date Ever
I went out with a guy once, that got super pissed when I refused to go down on him after he kissed me good night.  He said, "Call me when you grow up, little girl." ----ha! I still laugh at that.  What a moronic fool!

So those are but a few anecdotes of my dating life throughout the years.  Pathetic right? Okay, now it's your turn.  I can't be the only one playing this game.  Where's the fun in that?  Tell me at least one (more if you're willing) of your experiences from any of the categories I shared with you.

It's the weekend, kids! Go do something fabulous and fun!  I know I will.

Twas a week before next Tuesday!

The month of love.  Or, February.  Here it is a week before Valentine's Day and I have yet to decide what to buy my fictitious boyfriend.  What? What do you mean I'm crazy??? Doesn't everyone have a fictitious significant other??? Ha! Alright,  enough! Or some of you may actually start believing me.

Let's play "What's on Yvonne's mind tonight?"  Want to? Good.  Well bloggies, as I mentioned above, Valentine's Day is almost here.  I know, I know, you're all puking and rolling your eyes at me aren't you?  Well stop.  This isn't going to be a sappy, schmoopy kind of post.  Not all of it.  Let me explain.  See, I have quite a few friends who are teachers. Well, last week, one of them posted something on Facebook about how the dreaded, Valentine's Day, will now and forever more, be known as "Friendship Day" at their school.  -Oh the travesty! I'm not sure if it's just one school district or all of them.  But the word on the street is, "get rid of the cupid with the arrow."  -Seriously?  This is a problem?  There is nothing else more pressing in this world than being p.c. about a stupid holiday?  Which really isn't a holiday.  I mean, no one gets a day off or gets to skip school.  The banks don't close and the Metro keeps running.  So I don't even know why we say it's a holiday.  But I digress.

Where are the days of the kiddos buying Valentine's day cards for their classmates and teachers?  Where are the days of wistfully writing out each and every card, until your hand hurt and licking each envelope until you couldn't feel your tongue anymore?  And then addressing them.  If you ever got one from me, I didn't just write out your name in cursive.  Of course not.  That would be boring.  I use to use a red pen and draw little hearts all over the envelope.  If you were a boy I was smitten with, I would draw a heart with an arrow going through it.  In my mind, a masterpiece.  In the intended recipient's mind, "oh brother!"  ---But that's beside the point.  I just can't believe that they ("they" being the school district and it's stuffy cronies) are wasting time on something so lame.  Most of my friends that are teachers at this school, are livid.  Some believe they are doing this to cover-up a bigger underlying problem. (bigger in their feeble little minds)  And that "problem" being, not to promote homosexuality.  You know, because "OMG, what if little Johnny gives little Ben, a Valentine and then decide to express their emotions for each other!??"  Get serious!  Sigh, the more things changes, the more they stay the same...

And another thing, what are they going to do in October on the real Friendship Day?  Yes there really is such a day.  Morons.   But that's our tax dollars  being used for great stuff wouldn't you say?

Ok, getting off my soap box now.  In other news, it's almost the weekend!  :)

How do you spell Relax? W-I-N-E!

...or if you're like my friend Alex, S-E-X!  I'm inclined to agree with him, but since the rations in "reserves" have been exhausted, I'm stuck with wine.  Mental note to be on the hunt for my "fall back" guy.  I used to have one and one on reserve.  You know, in case the first one was not available.  What?  It's a dog eat dog world out there for us single women.  Can you blame me???  Enough.  Ok, so here I am, on my second glass of wine, after a long, exhausting and draining day at work.  I'm sleeping like a baby tonight for sure!  Apologies for my incessant rambling and being all over the place, but I'm really tired and have a lot on my mind.  I won't bore you with those things right now.  I'm saving that for another post.  Heh.  For this post, I want to discuss my dreams.  No, not the ones that you aspire,  but the ones that take over you mind when you're asleep.  Lately, well for the past three weeks to be exact.  I have been having recurring dreams.  Not the same one each time, but the same "theme", i.e. engaging in sex.  Lots of sex.  The dreams vary, sometimes I'm in bed with my "alleged" boyfriend.  Sometimes we're in the backseat of a car.  Sometimes in an elevator and oh yeah, a movie theater.  Ha! Are you laughing yet? I am.  The dreams seem so real.  I can see the person I'm with and it's never anyone that I know.  It is always my boyfriend though.  How do I know this? Because he and I talk during our sexcapades.  He tells me he loves me and I tell him the same thing.  And afterwards (yes, some of the dreams have "cuddling" sessions) we just lay together and...talk.  Then I wake up.  WTF???

What do you think it means?  I'm baffled.  I googled it because doesn't everyone?  But that was of no use to me.  It just said that I am exploring my inhibitions.  Um, okay...

So does it mean that I'm secretly longing for tons and tons of sex?  Hmm... It HAS been a while since my last sexcapade.  And I already know I'm a sexual person.  There's only been one person that I have literally frozen with and just lay there.  And that was because I was so self-conscious of my body and my ahem, skills.  He was this totally hot and sexy man that I happened to fall in love with.  He was my "bad boy".  Sigh, anyway, other than HIM, I do just fine, thank you!  I told my friend Alex about this and he thinks it's my body telling me "it's time to get down and dirty"  Yeah he really said that.  He's a man.  My friend Francesca thinks I'm "yearning" for someone to love.  As in a boyfreind.  Bleh.  I just think I'm sexually frustrated is all.

I'm interested in hearing what your theories are.

Well kids, it's been fun but I'm out of wine and very sleepy.

Night night.