afraid of what life really means"
"I need a guiding light
To shine on my darkest days
I was young, and time was on my side
But like a fool I let it slip away
And now those days are gone"
Background: These are lyrics to a song by Gino Vanelli that came out circa 1981 called Living Inside Myself. Yes, I am dating myself. Bite me. (Gino Vanelli was not a one hit wonder, more like,a three or four hit wonder) Ok, so these lyrics spoke volumes to me tonight. I realize more than half of you will not know what or who I am talking about. But hey, it's a new world, google him.
You hear it all the time, "I found myself." or, "I didn't know who I was before but now I do." What am I talking about? I'm talking about knowing what you want to do with your life and going after it. I'm talking about knowing who you truly are and being okay with that. I'm talking about taking control of your life. Owning who you are. I often times wonder, "How do they do that!?" Someone please clue me in! Ugh! Lately, I've been in this funk! More than the bouts with depression, this "funk" has me questioning EVERYTHING I'm doing or have ever done. It's making me doubt myself. I spoke to Michelle, one of the musketeers (for explanation of The Musketeers, go here: http://yvonnewritingmylifeaway.blogspot.com/2010/09/dolce-vita.html tonight and I mentioned to her how I have been feeling. I went on to say that I was tired of being "lost" and wanted to be "found" already! She told me that she'd been feeling the same way -"in a rut", is how she put it. "Are we having a mid-life crisis?" I asked jokingly, but not. I'm seriously wondering if that's my problem! My 45th birthday is coming up in October and it's really freaking me out. Just typing that out alone, made me cringe! I never thought that age would bother me so much, but it kind of is. Michelle suggested I re-read Eat.Pray.Love or go watch Under the Tuscan Sun -for the millionth time! Meh! I'll probably watch the movie again. It always makes me feel better. But in the interim, what do I do to shake this off? I've been trying to be proactive, so I'm not totally wallowing here. I mean, I make myself go to the gym, along with torturing myself three days a week at boot camp for crying out loud! I try and stay busy, keep my mind occupied. I am also talking to someone that listens to what I say and every once in a while, jots down notes. That happens once a week. It helps me a lot. But I still feel as if there is something, something that I am missing. I can't quite put it into words. It's just something that fills me with anxiety by the mere thought of it. I'm anxious. I don't know why exactly. Age is just a number, that's what I keep telling myself. Men have the upper hand in this "age" thing. Think about it, they go through their mid-life crisis and their solution is to buy a sports car, or get a newer, younger wife/gf/lover, or they dye their hair. Ha! My dad did that when he turned fifty. He's got salt and pepper hair. But on his fiftieth birthday, he dyed his hair black. We nicknamed him "Jet", but he didn't get the funneh. That still cracks me up! I suppose my angst is also fueled by the fact that I'm living the life of a nun. I keep joking I should start my own order, but maybe it's not a joke anymore. Muahaha! Yeah right! O.M.G, getting older sucks! I think it's time for me to break out the bottle of wine and start watching Diane Lane
I really appreciate those of you that are still reading this madness. Hey, at least you laughed, right? Even if you didn't, lie to me and say you did, mmmkay? Thanks.