Thursday, June 23, 2011

Lost and Found

"I am lost, somewhere inside my own dreams
afraid of what life really means"

"I need a guiding light
To shine on my darkest days
I was young, and time was on my side
But like a fool I let it slip away
And now those days are gone"
-Gino Vanelli

Background:  These are lyrics to a song by Gino Vanelli that came out circa 1981 called Living Inside Myself. Yes, I am dating myself.  Bite me.  (Gino Vanelli was not a one hit wonder, more like,a three or four hit wonder)  Ok, so these lyrics spoke volumes to me tonight.  I realize more than half of you will not know what or who I am talking about.  But hey, it's a new world, google him. 

You hear it all the time, "I found myself." or, "I didn't know who I was before but  now I do."  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about knowing what you want to do with your life and going after it.  I'm talking about knowing who you truly are and being okay with that.  I'm talking about taking control of your life. Owning who you are.  I often times wonder, "How do they do that!?"  Someone please clue me in!  Ugh! Lately, I've been in this funk! More than the bouts with depression, this "funk" has me questioning EVERYTHING I'm doing or have ever done.  It's making me doubt myself.  I spoke to Michelle, one of the musketeers (for explanation of The Musketeers, go here: tonight and I mentioned to her how I have been feeling.  I went on to say that I was tired of being "lost" and wanted to be "found" already! She told me that she'd been feeling the same way -"in a rut", is how she put it.  "Are we having a mid-life crisis?"  I asked jokingly, but not.  I'm seriously wondering if that's my problem!  My 45th birthday is coming up in October and it's really freaking me out. Just typing that out alone, made me cringe!  I never thought that age would bother me so much, but it kind of is.  Michelle suggested I re-read Eat.Pray.Love or go watch Under the Tuscan Sun -for the millionth time! Meh! I'll probably watch the movie again. It always makes me feel better.  But in the interim, what do I do to shake this off?  I've been trying to be proactive, so I'm not totally wallowing here.  I mean, I make myself go to the gym, along with torturing myself three days a week at boot camp for crying out loud!  I try and stay busy, keep my mind occupied.  I am also talking to someone that listens to what I say and every once in a while, jots down notes. That happens once a week.  It helps me a lot.  But I still feel as if there is something, something that I am missing.  I can't quite put it into words.  It's just something that fills me with anxiety by the mere thought of it.  I'm anxious.  I don't know why exactly.  Age is just a number, that's what I keep telling myself.  Men have the upper hand in this "age" thing.  Think about it, they go through their mid-life crisis and their solution is to buy a sports car, or get a newer, younger wife/gf/lover, or they dye their hair. Ha! My dad did that when he turned fifty.  He's got salt and pepper hair.  But on his fiftieth birthday, he dyed his hair black.  We nicknamed him "Jet", but he didn't get the funneh. That still cracks me up!  I suppose my angst is also fueled by the fact that I'm living the life of a nun.  I keep joking I should start my own order, but maybe it's not a joke anymore.  Muahaha! Yeah right!  O.M.G, getting older sucks!  I think it's time for me to break out the bottle of wine and start watching Diane Lane do tour Tuscany.

I really appreciate those of you that are still reading this madness.  Hey, at least you laughed, right?  Even if you didn't, lie to me and say you did, mmmkay? Thanks.

G'nite everybody!


Oilfield Trash said...

There is nothing wrong with getting out the wine.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Feeling 'lost' often comes shortly before a big change or enlightenment. At least it did for me and I know others who say this too. It seems the 'finding yourself' often goes along with getting over past hurts and changing how we react to things that we have gotten into a pattern with. Sometimes things that worked for years just don't work in our life anymore and it's fun when we finally realize this!
Why does 45 sound old to you? I truly do not understand this. I look at it this way- you could easily have another 45 years to live and look at all that has happened thus far in your life! Can you imagine having that much time left to go?! Amazing isn't it? Besides, what's the alternative to getting older, really?! :) said...

We have lots in common. Feeling lost and (occasionally, sporatically) found is - in my opinion - just part of being human. I'm turning 45 (It IS hard to type those numbers) in less than a week. Gulp.
Hey, we're young, gorgeous and can always indulge in wine and chocolate.

getyourselfconnected said...

I think David Batista will agree, if you want a Diane Lane flick, you gotta see "Streets of Fire"!!!

Sorry you are feeling this way. I am a newer reader, but what is your "lost" feeling coming from?

Men do not have the upper hand, as we get older we (in general!!!) compensate for feeling lost by doing things for show like the hair or getting with a younger woman. Distance really traveled, none.

The Frisky Virgin said...

I hate age. Not because it bugs me, but because everyone else loves to dwell on it for you. Age is a stupid, stupid number--it in no way defines who we are, how we feel, what we think. Men do have the upper hand because society allows it.

Yvonne, you are gorgeous and I think YOU need to be the one to stand up to societies stereotypes and laugh in their face. Show 'em how women can have the upper hand in this age-obsessed world, too.

I understand how you feel--I've heard it left and right about my age and my position in life. It's so easy to let those negative thoughts and feelings take you over.

I guess we just have to be true to ourselves, stay strong, have faith, and believe. *Hugs to you*

Yvonne said...

OT- I'll drink to that! lol

YRJ- I get what you're saying. For me, I guess my age is getting to me because I'm at a crossroad in my life and truly do not know which way to go. Ha! The alternative to not turning older would be far worse! Thank you for your words!

Robyn - Happy early Birthday!!! You're right, we're HOT! :)

GYC- I'll have to check out that movie you're referring to! lol
I think my "lost" feeling stems from that fork in the road that I'm currently staring at and have not a clue as to which way to go. Thanks for your words and your follow! I appreciate it!

FV- Amen sister! And thanks for the compliment and the hugs! You're the best! :)

Belle said...

I am one of those annoying people who "found herself". It took years of therapy, reading and prayer. I don't suppose that helps does it?

I do think feeling lost is the beginning of something wonderful and new. Perhaps you have lost the blinders that were covering your eyes all those years. They are slipping off, but it takes time.
You will find yourself, Yvonne. Of that I have no doubt.

Yvonne said...

Belle- no you could never be annoying. I agree with you. I honestly think that the reason I am in this state of uncertainty is because I'm now finally ready to accept things in my life that I was not able to do before. And as you say, the blinders are off and being "lost" is the "beginning of something wonderful and new."

Thanks for that! :)

Jester Queen said...

Yes. Absolutely I laughed. Starting at "three or four hit wonder" and "bite me". I don't think it's a midlife crisis. It's perhaps having a grain of what you need and trying to figure out how to get the whole nosebag that's got you so frustrated.

Visiting from Write on Edge.