I have everything a man could want except what is most important. My wife and my son. Our divorce was final today. So begins my journey as a single man -again. "Cheers!" I said aloud, to myself and to the silence that was keeping me company. Taking a long swig of the beer in my hand, I sighed and glanced around the living room in which I was sitting. The only thing left of my "family" were the pictures of Alexander. She graciously agreed to let me keep them. "He's your son after all..." was what she said. I took another swallow of my beer and wondered how such a loving woman could become so heartless and cold in the span of what seems like a minute!?
Pfft! Not my problem anymore. The only solid, constant in my life was Alexander. My son. I see him on the scheduled visitation days and every other holiday. But that is never enough time and I am selfish with my time with him. And I miss her. Dammit I shouldn't. But I do. Unlike her, I could not just "fall out of love" and continue with my life as if the last 10 years meant nothing.
I met Valeria through a coworker. We were at lunch one day -the coworker and I when the "love of my life" walked into the restaurant and up to our table. It seems the coworker was playing matchmaker and thought it would be "so cool" if I met her friend Valeria. Well, for once she was right. It was cool. Better than cool. It was mind-blowing! We hit it off immediately! She was beautiful. Engaging. She had these gorgeous blue eyes that you could fall into and never want to leave. Her hair was thick, dark, and cascaded on her neck down her mid back. Her skin was flawless.
Sigh. Just thinking about her now, tugs at my heart and my emotions and yeah, my cock. What can I say? I'm still a man.
Our love affair began and ended it seems, in the same fashion: Hungrily, hurriedly, passionately. We went out for dinner one night and saw each other every night for the following month thereafter. After about another month of watching her live out of her bag, I asked her to move in with me. She was practically living with me already! Saying it out loud was just a formality!
So we were "officially" living together. Her friends became my friends and vice versa. Her parents loved me. My parents loved her. Life was good. Six months later we were married. Now, I had never been married. Valeria was married for two years. It was an abusive relationship, physically and mentally. I wanted in a way, to erase all that crap she had been through with the jerk she was married to. So I made it my mission to dote on her, to love her, to shower her with that love and with gifts and with romance. The only thing missing in the picture was a baby. We both wanted to start a family and eagerly awaited the day that that wish would come to fruition. We waited for nine years. The doctors said nothing was wrong with either of us. We just had to keep trying. This took a toll on her. On us. Maybe that was the beginning of the end. Maybe not having a child was a blessing in disguise -well that's what I used to think until Alexander came into our lives. Now he is my life.
The day we found out she was pregnant was the day she told me she wanted a divorce. How's that for a slap in the face??? "Honey I want a divorce. Oh by the way, I'm pregnant!!" I went from shock to euphoria in a millisecond! We talked that day. About us and why she felt she wanted to leave me. In the end she told me she was no longer in love with me. She didn't know exactly when it happened. It just did. What? How do you "just" fall out of love?? Someone explain that to me!! I tried to reason with her. I promised I would fix whatever was broken between us but she wouldn't budge. She loved me. But was no longer in love with me. Again I asked, "how?"
When I fell in love with her I thought that I could never, ever stop loving her. I thought the sun rose and set on her. I believed she loved me just as much.
"Two points!" I yelled at the awesomeness that was my rim shot of my empty beer can! Well, technically I made the "shot" into my trash can but it still counts right?
So here I am. Forty-two years old. Divorced. Alone in an empty house. On my sixth beer.
Where do I go from here? I seem to have lost my identity all of a sudden. I am no longer "Valeria's husband". From now on I'm just "Rene" -singular.
My soul hurts. My heart aches and I am lonely. I miss my family. I miss my son. I have a nice house full of "possessions" and money and fast cars in my driveway. The shrink I went to see during the "ordeal" told me that sometimes we try to fill our voids with material things or drugs or something tangible. But no matter how much we "fill" it or what we fill it with, we're still empty inside. I would gladly give away everything I have for a chance to have them back.
I have everything a man could want except what he needs.