Just another day. For me. Today is Father's Day and there are thousands upon thousands of children, young and old, visiting "dear ol' dad." All across the country families are reuniting, getting together for lunch, dinner, dessert, perhaps taking in a movie or the beach or a ball game. And yet, here I sit, in the comfort of my home, writing this post, alone. Oh don't feel bad for me. I have a dad. He's still alive and doing quite well. But I don't have what you a "conventional" or "normal" relationship with him. I've never really gotten along with him. I harbor a lot of resentment and not so good memories. Because of this, our relationship has suffered. I am content on seeing him every few months -if that. Communication only exists on an "as needed" basis. This has been the norm between us for years. In contrast, my siblings have a pretty healthy relationship with him. My sister moreso than anyone else. The thing is, my dad and I didn't have a blow-out, dramatic fight to get us where we are today. Rather, the estrangement was gradual. Almost like a lit candle losing it's flame, slowly, until it dies. I feel bad for feeling this way. I feel guilty and ashamed. After all, he is my father. But even still, I just can't bring myself to reach out to him. Even though I've done it in my mind dozens of times. The guilt is culminated by the fact that everywhere I turn, be it Facebook, the television, the radio, the grocery store, everywhere, I'm reminded what today is and how sad that makes me feel. I've been reading statuses from friends professing their love for their dad, their "hero." Am I a horrible person because I don't share the same sentiment? Grant it, my father was as good a father as good he knew how to be. And he worked hard alongside my mom, to give us whatever we wanted. Sometimes, I think he overindulged us as a way to make up in the areas that he was lacking. Still, I cannot erase what happened in the past nor can I bring myself to be the daughter that I should be. I do love him. My daddy. I do. I just can't show him. So silly really. I'm one of the most affectionate and demonstrative persons you will ever meet. My long-term goal, is that one day, hopefully in the distant future, I'll be able to let myself love my father and tell him. He's over seventy years old, not sick, but not in the most perfect health either. I don't want to have regrets. But I can't force something that doesn't come naturally either. To those who this post may be a bit offensive or even disrespectful, I apologize, it's not my intention to insult anyone. It's just my feelings and emotions in the raw, up close and personal, as my blog often is. I hope your Sunday, whatever you're doing, is a great one and if you're fortunate to have someone you call "dad" in your life, you relish in that love and in them.