i feel antsy. expectant. happy. sad. excited. stoic. and that, my dear bloggies, is how my current state of mind is. bipolar at it's finest. oh i'm not really bipolar, so calm down. but my mind thinks it is. i want to laugh one minute and the next i'm crying and then i'm euphoric. at first, i thought it was my hormones and mother nature's way of reminding me that it was almost time for "the visit". oh you know the one, that pesky little visitor that only appears to females until we go through that dreaded "change" in life. meh, but i was wrong. it's not my hormones. i've been this way for months. losing interest in the very things that used to bring me joy. i guess it's a result of a combination of things. the new year, expectations, aspirations, longing for...something. something more meaningful than what i have now. make sense? no? i didn't think so. bear with me. maybe part of the reason i'm flaking out emotionally is because i turn fifty this year. and that, dear bloggies, scares the hell out of me. i am questioning what i have been doing half of my life, i am regretting roads not taken, roads taken, and everything in between. does everyone go through this when they are about to turn this age? or is it just me? yeah, yeah, i hear you. you're all saying it's just me aren't you? -don't answer that.
but seriously, i really am a little freaked out about this seemingly monumental turning of age thing. i remember dreams i had when i was very young and then as i got older, some of those dreams changed, some stayed the same. and you know what? i am nowhere near any of those dreams. how sad is that?
but still i feel expectant. i think i grew content with the way my life had been going thus far. i accepted things, the safer route, the responsible route, the sensible route. but i'm not content with that anymore. so i made a promise to myself on new years eve. i promised myself that this year i was going to make things happen. i was going to try with everything that i have, to make things happen. good, bad, insane or not, this year will be different. how? i don't know. i just know that it will.
the wheels are set in motion and i will give it my all, to make this year, different than all the rest.
my almost 15 year old niece told me today that i didn't look that old, when i told her my age. i just laughed. i remember being 15 and thinking the total opposite as her. my mom was 35 and to me, that was old. and yes, i know that age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel. well, i don't feel old, per se. but i do feel older. if that makes sense.
but going back to the beginning of this post, i feel change in my horizon, i don't know what kind of change but i know it has to be good. because i want it and because i deserve it.
more to come, stay tuned.