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Sunday, January 17, 2016

expectations, realizations and other ponderings

i feel antsy.  expectant.  happy.  sad.  excited.  stoic.  and that, my dear bloggies, is how my current state of mind is.  bipolar at it's finest.  oh i'm not really bipolar, so calm down.  but my mind thinks it is.  i  want to laugh one minute and the next i'm crying and then i'm euphoric.  at first, i thought it was my hormones and mother nature's way of reminding me that it was almost time for "the visit".  oh you know the one, that pesky little visitor that only appears to females until we go through that dreaded "change"  in life.  meh,  but i was wrong. it's not my hormones.  i've been this way for months.  losing interest in the very things that used to bring me joy.  i guess it's a result of a combination of things.  the new year, expectations, aspirations, longing for...something.  something more meaningful than what i have now.  make sense? no? i didn't think so.  bear with me.  maybe part of the reason i'm flaking out emotionally is because i turn fifty this year.  and that, dear bloggies, scares the hell out of me.  i am questioning what i have been doing half of my life, i am regretting roads not taken, roads taken, and everything in between.  does everyone go through this when they are about to turn this age?  or is it just me?  yeah, yeah, i hear you.  you're all saying it's just me aren't you? -don't answer that.

but seriously,  i really am a little freaked out about this seemingly monumental turning of age thing.  i remember dreams i had when i was very young and then as i got older, some of those dreams changed, some stayed the same.  and you know what? i am nowhere near any of those dreams.  how sad is that?

but still i feel expectant.  i think i grew content with the way my life had been going thus far.  i accepted things, the safer route, the responsible route, the sensible route.  but i'm not content with that anymore.  so i made a promise to myself on new years eve.  i promised myself that this year i was going to make things happen.  i was going to try with everything that i have, to make things happen.  good, bad, insane or not, this year will be different. how? i don't know.  i just know that it will.

the wheels are set in motion and i will give it my all, to make this year, different than all the rest.

my almost 15 year old niece told me today that i didn't look that old, when i told her my age.  i just laughed.  i remember being 15 and thinking the total opposite as her.  my mom was 35 and to me, that was old.  and yes, i know that age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel.  well, i don't feel old, per se.  but i do feel older.  if that makes sense.

but going back to the beginning of this post,  i feel change in my horizon, i don't know what kind of change but i know it has to be good.  because i want it and because i deserve it.

more to come, stay tuned.


7 comments:

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Yes, bottom line: You want it, and your deserve. I'm with you, girlfriend, especially as I face (with denial) the big 5-0. It's too weird to me. I'm staying 49 until I die, or so I decided.
Hugs.

mshatch said...

Turning 50 isn't so bad, but not achieving what you hoped to can be frustrating and disappointing. I know I often feel that way, like I'm on the slow boat.

David Batista said...

You definitely seemed 15 years younger to me when I met you. AT LEAST! But, yes, age is just a number. It's what you feel inside that counts the most!

I hope the best for you this year, my friend. You are awesome! :)

Robin said...

I know exactly how you're feeling. I don't turn 50 this year, but it's not that far away... and I look back on my life and I'm just not all that thrilled with how it's all gone. Nothing turned out like I planned. I sure never would've predicted all these years lost to migraines. As soon as I think it's getting better, it takes another turn. And I wonder, "Is this really all there is???" I'm glad that you've decided the answer is "no" and are assertively seeking something else. I think that's the only way we can effect change... and I think I could use some change right here, too!

Bouncin Barb said...

You certainly do deserve it!! I looked at 50 as a new phase where I earned the right to be myself, not act my age and not care what others think of me. I'm 55 now and living it.

Stephanie Faris said...

At one point I reached a point in my writing career where I realized that it's important that we do what we love every day. If it's writing, getting published is great, but most important is that we enjoyed our days and were happy!

Yvonne said...

RR- haha, that sounds like a plan! I'll be 49 until I die with you! :)

mshatch-very much like i'm on the "slow boat" as you say. hopeful though, that the boat will pick up steam this time.

david- aww you're pretty awesome too, friend. and compliments like that will get you places! ha!

robin- well, if we really think about it, the alternative is not being here. and well, i'm not ready to check out of this hotel yet. :)

bb- see? i feel the same. life is a gift.

stephanie- i totally agree, if we aren't doing what we enjoy, what makes us happy, then we are doing it all wrong. -thanks for the comment and dropping by. hope you visit again.