invisible pain

sometimes i feel as if i can't breathe.  i take a deep breath but i still feel as if i am short of breath.  a few weeks ago, in true hypochondriac fashion, i was having what i thought was a heart-attack.  i felt clammy, anxious, heart racing, chest hurting and i was having trouble breathing.  so i did what every neurotic person does in these situations, i drove myself to the nearest er.  the young girl at the reception desk was all of maybe 19 years old, had purple hair (no i wasn't hallucinating) and the biggest tongue ring i'd ever seen.  see? had i really been dying like my mind was telling me i was, would i be able to remember such minute details?  yeah, exactly.  as a result of the description of my symptoms, they rushed me to the back in less than five minutes.  that never happens in the er. ever.  after speaking to the nurse and then the doctor on call, both of which were extremely nice and went above and beyond in comforting me, i was given a series of tests.  you know, blood work, stress test, chest x-ray and oh yeah, an ekg.  all tests returned normal.  normal.  i looked at the doctor almost in tears.  " i'm not crazy, i really felt like i was dying"  i said to him in desperation.  he assured me  that i was not dying and that i was fine.  well, not totally fine.  i had suffered an anxiety attack.  now, just to give you a little background history on me, i suffer from anxiety attacks, i've had more than i care to mention since i was about 18 years old.  but none of them have ever been like this one.  i even practiced my breathing exercises as i drove to the er, the ones that calm me down and keep me focused and keep me from totally freaking out.  but they didn't work. i still couldn't breath right when i arrived to the er. bleh.  i then felt really silly, sitting on the bed, wearing the the obligatory god-awful white gown.  i felt embarrassed too.  i wonder how many people like me walk into this place on a daily basis.  once the medical staff assured themselves that i was calmer and my breathing returned to normal, i was released.  the doctor prescribed nothing.  well, he told me to follow up with my doctor and with that, he was satisfied and released me.  the whole weekend i spent it almost alone.  i didn't go anywhere unless i had to and i didn't speak to anyone on the phone.  i kind of checked out and just spent time with me.  trying to recharge my brain and redirect it's way of thinking.  i think too much.  i worry too much.  i obsess about things too much.  i'm just, too much.  -heh.  i have to make a joke somewhere right?  so after a self-imposed sabbatical ( a short one) , i realized that all of these worries that haunt me, aren't even my worries.  they are everyone else's worries.  i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes.  i care too much.  i love too much.  i give a damn, way too much.  but that's how i am.  what can i do?  in short, my body was  telling me to stop the madness and to refocus all of that energy on someone that mattered more, me.  but again, i feel like i could be stretch man's little sister, stretch girl.  i mean, i am constantly being pulled in every direction, someone always wants something from me and i have a difficult time saying no to people.  what's stretch girl to do kids?

thank god for this blog and for good meds, they are my safety net right now.  oh i know, things will get better, they always do.  it's just sometimes, i just need to come to my safe haven and throw out the words.   it serves as therapy for me.

thanks for indulging me.