invisible pain

sometimes i feel as if i can't breathe.  i take a deep breath but i still feel as if i am short of breath.  a few weeks ago, in true hypochondriac fashion, i was having what i thought was a heart-attack.  i felt clammy, anxious, heart racing, chest hurting and i was having trouble breathing.  so i did what every neurotic person does in these situations, i drove myself to the nearest er.  the young girl at the reception desk was all of maybe 19 years old, had purple hair (no i wasn't hallucinating) and the biggest tongue ring i'd ever seen.  see? had i really been dying like my mind was telling me i was, would i be able to remember such minute details?  yeah, exactly.  as a result of the description of my symptoms, they rushed me to the back in less than five minutes.  that never happens in the er. ever.  after speaking to the nurse and then the doctor on call, both of which were extremely nice and went above and beyond in comforting me, i was given a series of tests.  you know, blood work, stress test, chest x-ray and oh yeah, an ekg.  all tests returned normal.  normal.  i looked at the doctor almost in tears.  " i'm not crazy, i really felt like i was dying"  i said to him in desperation.  he assured me  that i was not dying and that i was fine.  well, not totally fine.  i had suffered an anxiety attack.  now, just to give you a little background history on me, i suffer from anxiety attacks, i've had more than i care to mention since i was about 18 years old.  but none of them have ever been like this one.  i even practiced my breathing exercises as i drove to the er, the ones that calm me down and keep me focused and keep me from totally freaking out.  but they didn't work. i still couldn't breath right when i arrived to the er. bleh.  i then felt really silly, sitting on the bed, wearing the the obligatory god-awful white gown.  i felt embarrassed too.  i wonder how many people like me walk into this place on a daily basis.  once the medical staff assured themselves that i was calmer and my breathing returned to normal, i was released.  the doctor prescribed nothing.  well, he told me to follow up with my doctor and with that, he was satisfied and released me.  the whole weekend i spent it almost alone.  i didn't go anywhere unless i had to and i didn't speak to anyone on the phone.  i kind of checked out and just spent time with me.  trying to recharge my brain and redirect it's way of thinking.  i think too much.  i worry too much.  i obsess about things too much.  i'm just, too much.  -heh.  i have to make a joke somewhere right?  so after a self-imposed sabbatical ( a short one) , i realized that all of these worries that haunt me, aren't even my worries.  they are everyone else's worries.  i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes.  i care too much.  i love too much.  i give a damn, way too much.  but that's how i am.  what can i do?  in short, my body was  telling me to stop the madness and to refocus all of that energy on someone that mattered more, me.  but again, i feel like i could be stretch man's little sister, stretch girl.  i mean, i am constantly being pulled in every direction, someone always wants something from me and i have a difficult time saying no to people.  what's stretch girl to do kids?

thank god for this blog and for good meds, they are my safety net right now.  oh i know, things will get better, they always do.  it's just sometimes, i just need to come to my safe haven and throw out the words.   it serves as therapy for me.

thanks for indulging me.

The Bouquet Snatcher

We were at a family wedding over the weekend and the time came for all the single ladies (yes I'm singing it like Beyonce and putting my hands up as I type this) to gather behind the bride and secretly form a strategy as to how they  we were going to catch the elusive manna from heaven also known as the wedding bouquet.   Me? I just giggled because I suddenly saw my mom walking towards us to join in on the fun.  She took her place beside me and smiled.  Did I mention that my dad was at this wedding too?  Yeah, both of my parents were in the same place and no one had killed each other
-yet.  Relax, my parents are divorced.  Ironically, they get along much better being divorced than they did when they were married.  But that's another story for another time.  Getting back to the bouquet toss, the beautiful bride sat down, her back to us, and began the teasing of the countdown "One, two, three!"  and there was no toss.  And again, "One, two, three!"  and yet again, no toss.  This of course gave way for mounting suspense:  Who would catch it?   Finally, the bride took one last look over her shoulder and the counting resumed, "One, two annnnnd Three!"  and up went the bouquet.  Wait.  It was coming towards... me?  Yes it was.  I could see it getting closer, all I had to do was raise my hands and that sucker would be mine, all mine.  But then, from the corner of my eye I see hands and a body reaching over me. And then, laughter erupted. My mom caught the bouquet.  My mom, caught.the.bouquet.  Seriously.  She somehow channeled her inner JJ Watt and dove for it, literally taking it from my grasp.  Shit just real y'all.  Everyone laughed, got a kick out of it and began congratulating her.  Even me.  I mean, so what if I may never, ever, EVER have a shot at holding a wedding bouquet in my hands again, at least she got to and that's all that matters right? Right.
 -Alright kidding aside, the whole thing the way it was played out, was hilarious.  Even more hilarious was my dad's reaction.  He was a bit miffed.  Ha.  Oh right, he was pissed and his face showed it.  The drive home would be a long one.  Did I mention that we all rode together.  Yeah.  Good times.

Anyway, for years to come, I'll have a story to tell my nieces and nephews, it will start like this: "That one time, at the wedding when your grandma shattered my dreams of being a bride and snatched the bouquet out of my hands  caught the wedding bouquet.  -oh yeah, this story will live on for years to come.

PS- I'm over dramatic can you tell?

H is Hot and Hot is NOT for Me

As sung to the tune of Cookie Monster's "C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me!" (Thanks Sesame Street)  For those not in the know, Cookie Monster is a character or Muppet, if you will, on the long running PBS program, Sesame Street.  He also happens to be one of my favorites, next to Bert and Ernie of course.  But anyway, where was I?  I did have a point to this.  Ah yes, the heat.  Good god man, the heat here in Houston has been brutal the past few days.  In fact, I got a sun tan walking from my car to the movie theater this afternoon, no joke. It's so bad that people are using the "less is more" mentality when it comes to dressing these days.  Seriously, if I could get away with it I'd ditch the garments all together.  Heh.  But I can't, so I won't.  Moving on. (thankfully, as I'm sure some of you are saying amiright?)

Aside from the scorching weather being the hot topic lately (see what I did there?)  It occurs to me that I have been almost silent on the matters of wait for it, big pause for effect, DATING.  (cue the music)  Well, there really hasn't been much to write about in that regard for me lately.  I date here and there, no one special currently.  Which to me is just fine.  I really think I need to work some more on myself and a few things that linger from my last relationship.  Honestly, I feel that if I don't work on those issues then I'll never be in the type of relationship that I long for and seek.  Know what I mean?  Besides, being single is not so bad.  Trust me I'm an expert at it.  The thing is, now that I am creeping near that monumental age of shh... (fifty)  -not until next year but still.  At this point of my life, I feel more centered.  I know what I want and I don't have time for anymore bullshit or games from anyone.  Men love to play games.  Just not the kind of games I like to play -heh.  Yes I know that women can be players too.  Some of my good friends are champion players, however I seek something more meaningful.  A few of my married friends, ok ALL of my married friends, tell me that I am too picky and need to lower my standards.  I just roll my eyes at them and laugh.  If by lowering my standards that means that I date the first man that looks at me or asks me out, just for the sake of "going out" or having someone in my life and totally disregarding my self-worth then no thank you.  I'm good. Really.  That was a really long and incoherent sentence wasn't it?  Too bad I'm too sleepy and tired to fix it. Sorry bloggies.

But getting back to what I was talking about, I'd like to be attracted to that person or at least, have something in common with them other than being single.  Why can't my friends get that? My single friends get it. It's my married ones that are full of advice -mostly unsolicited.  Their concern is appreciated but damn let me breathe!   And while all of their concerns and advice and potential suitors are appreciated, I truly believe that I am single because I am still working on myself.  No that's not an excuse, it's a fact.  I really want to find someone and be a part of their life and live this great love story that I can write poetry and stories about but for whatever reason, it hasn't happened yet.  I'm holding on to hope that it does happen for me one day.  Hell, my entire family is hoping for that as well, they have prayed to every saint known to mankind and lit more candles than I care to tell you about.  Hope springs eternal and all  that.  Right?

I'd like to hear from any other fellow single person over 40 who is in this holding pattern   Tell me why you think you are still single or why you haven't met that man or that woman to woo you from "party of one"?  Do you think you're a great catch?  I do.  In fact, I know I am.  And yes I'm bragging  a little, ok maybe a lot.  But I know what I bring to the table.  Do you?

Ok that's enough for a Sunday night.  Thanks for indulging my rambling and I hope I make some sense, I know I was all over the place tonight.

It's the start of a new week kids, make it a great one.

Peace.