gray

as i sit here, in my room, the sound of silence grows louder and louder.  how to quiet the noise?  it's been a long day.  i should be asleep already.  but the restlessness of my mind prohibit this from happening.  i've always been a worrier.  i'm the queen of worry.  i can't help it.  it's just the way i am, always have been.  i hate it.  i hate that i care and then worry so much about pretty much everything in my life and the lives of my loved ones.  today's menu features ponderings of life and how short it really is.

what would you do if you were told you were going to die in a week? or a month?  would you live your life differently? would you live it recklessly? would you even care at all?  what if you had no prior warning, and you died suddenly?  of course, you wouldn't be able to ponder on what ifs and regrets, but would you make sure beforehand that you were living life to the fullest?  i know that that sounds cheesy and maybe even trite, but it's true.  if we are living just to live, if we are just existing without being driven to achieve something more or towards our happiness, then aren't we dead already?

not everyone likes to talk about death.  i mean really?  that's not even on the top ten topics  i want to discuss, like ever.  but it's there.  death.  silently roaming our lives.  every so often reminding us that we are not invincible, even though we think we are.  i watch the news daily, and every day someone loses their life.  naturally, tragically, senselessly. it just happens.

so what do we do? i used to know someone that always said we were all going to heaven when our time came, because clearly, we are already in hell.  heavy right? yeah.  i used to call him "debbie downer" -even though he was male.  he got sick one day, went to the doctor and never made it back home.  he had a stroke while at the doctor's office and they were not able to bring him back.  at his funeral, one of his friends spoke of our friend and said, "Jay was cynical and crass and a hard ass, but he lived his way by his rules and didn't regret it at all" ----  i remember thinking, "how?  how do you know he didn't regret it?"  i'd like to think that a little part of him did regret not being able to look past the clouds and despair of this world, at least enough to let himself love and be loved.  because to me, that is what is most important about this whole life thing.  i love my family and my friends, wholly and freely and intensely.  it's key to my own happiness.  family makes me happy.  truly and immensely happy.  spending time with them, laughing, arguing, crying.  all of that stuff is what makes all the bad stuff ok.  and although i may get lonely at times and yearn for the love of a good man, (which i believe i may have already found)  i never lose sight of what is most important in my life.  so if i were to die tomorrow, rest assured, i would be happy.  not that i was leaving everyone, but that i was able to know love and be loved.  and i know you may not all agree with me.  hell, no one may agree with me or even understand what the heck i'm talking about.  but that's okay, i understand me.

on a slightly related note, my 90 year old grandmother is in the hospital.  she's going to have surgery tomorrow morning.  she slipped and fell and broke her hip.  she's in a lot of pain and the doctors say that surgery is the only answer.  the problem with that though, is that she is a sick 90 year old woman.  she has other health issues going on as well.  she's my only remaining abuela, my other one died in 2000.  praying for the best, bracing for the worst.  i'm not being pessimistic, just a realist.  although, i plan to keep bombarding god with prayers.

i'm sorry for this dark post.  i don't mean to sound so disturbing or morose.  i'm just going through some unexpected personal battles.  i hope you understand.  i realize this is not the kind of post you are used to.  i'll be back to my crazy self soon.

peace.