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Friday, August 16, 2013

gray

as i sit here, in my room, the sound of silence grows louder and louder.  how to quiet the noise?  it's been a long day.  i should be asleep already.  but the restlessness of my mind prohibit this from happening.  i've always been a worrier.  i'm the queen of worry.  i can't help it.  it's just the way i am, always have been.  i hate it.  i hate that i care and then worry so much about pretty much everything in my life and the lives of my loved ones.  today's menu features ponderings of life and how short it really is.

what would you do if you were told you were going to die in a week? or a month?  would you live your life differently? would you live it recklessly? would you even care at all?  what if you had no prior warning, and you died suddenly?  of course, you wouldn't be able to ponder on what ifs and regrets, but would you make sure beforehand that you were living life to the fullest?  i know that that sounds cheesy and maybe even trite, but it's true.  if we are living just to live, if we are just existing without being driven to achieve something more or towards our happiness, then aren't we dead already?

not everyone likes to talk about death.  i mean really?  that's not even on the top ten topics  i want to discuss, like ever.  but it's there.  death.  silently roaming our lives.  every so often reminding us that we are not invincible, even though we think we are.  i watch the news daily, and every day someone loses their life.  naturally, tragically, senselessly. it just happens.

so what do we do? i used to know someone that always said we were all going to heaven when our time came, because clearly, we are already in hell.  heavy right? yeah.  i used to call him "debbie downer" -even though he was male.  he got sick one day, went to the doctor and never made it back home.  he had a stroke while at the doctor's office and they were not able to bring him back.  at his funeral, one of his friends spoke of our friend and said, "Jay was cynical and crass and a hard ass, but he lived his way by his rules and didn't regret it at all" ----  i remember thinking, "how?  how do you know he didn't regret it?"  i'd like to think that a little part of him did regret not being able to look past the clouds and despair of this world, at least enough to let himself love and be loved.  because to me, that is what is most important about this whole life thing.  i love my family and my friends, wholly and freely and intensely.  it's key to my own happiness.  family makes me happy.  truly and immensely happy.  spending time with them, laughing, arguing, crying.  all of that stuff is what makes all the bad stuff ok.  and although i may get lonely at times and yearn for the love of a good man, (which i believe i may have already found)  i never lose sight of what is most important in my life.  so if i were to die tomorrow, rest assured, i would be happy.  not that i was leaving everyone, but that i was able to know love and be loved.  and i know you may not all agree with me.  hell, no one may agree with me or even understand what the heck i'm talking about.  but that's okay, i understand me.

on a slightly related note, my 90 year old grandmother is in the hospital.  she's going to have surgery tomorrow morning.  she slipped and fell and broke her hip.  she's in a lot of pain and the doctors say that surgery is the only answer.  the problem with that though, is that she is a sick 90 year old woman.  she has other health issues going on as well.  she's my only remaining abuela, my other one died in 2000.  praying for the best, bracing for the worst.  i'm not being pessimistic, just a realist.  although, i plan to keep bombarding god with prayers.

i'm sorry for this dark post.  i don't mean to sound so disturbing or morose.  i'm just going through some unexpected personal battles.  i hope you understand.  i realize this is not the kind of post you are used to.  i'll be back to my crazy self soon.

peace.

8 comments:

Don said...

Yvonne, I wish the very best for your grandmother. The older one becomes the tougher life is to live. I'm 80 and am learning more every day about life and death.

Regarding death: Death and taxes are two things that can't be avoided. I'm prepared to die whenever the grim reaper comes for me. I think I have all of my affairs in order. My remains will be donated to the UAB Medical Center so medical students will have a real human body to examine, practice on, and learn from. Rather than enduring an expensive and sad funeral, my loved ones have been told to just have a party and celebrate the fact that they finally got rid of me.

Finally for now, hating what one is may result in not sleeping. Accept yourself as who and what you are, roll over, close your eyes, and enjoy a refreshing sleep with pleasant dreams.

David Batista said...

My thoughts go out to your abuela, Yvonne. As well as to you and your family. My grandma is the person dearest to me in life, so I know the anxiety one gets when an elderly family member enters the hospital for any reason. Hang in there!

I'm a worrier, too. We have that in common. I lay awake thinking about ... well, TOO MUCH! Anything and everything. Currently I'm worried about my future and finances and all that lovely stuff. But death? Well, I don't know what to think about that. Since I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, the subject's a bit of a mystery for me. I have no clue what happens. But if I can sum up my thoughts so far, I think I'm intrigued by the possibilities of what happens next. If anything. Doesn't mean I want to die tomorrow to find out, but when the time does come I hope I have the grace and dignity to accept it and realize that I could be moving on to greater and better things. There has to be more beyond just this world, right?

I see death more as potential for something greater beyond. But we should live to our fullest while still in this world. Someone who has lived a long and fulfilling life should be celebrated at the end of it, because they get to learn the Great Mystery which no one else alive today has learned.

As for your apology: no need, my dear. You're not your blog followers' pet monkey to always entertain us at the click of a mouse. I prefer reading blogs with variety of both light and heavy topics. And yours -- well, yours has balance! :)

thehouseofhale said...

I love this post, and the fact that you were strong enough to share it, even in the midst of your personal troubles. Hang in there!

Robin said...

Let's say that we changed the rules... that there were no death on this planet. Would that be better? What would happen? We'd age and live forever in a body that hurt? If we were making the rules, I suppose we could bend them, too. Let's say that everyone stopped aging at 45 years old and just stayed there. Think of the population explosion. There wouldn't be room on the planet. People would have stopped having babies thousands of years ago. It would be a bunch of 45 year old looking people who were tired of it all. They had been here thousands of years. No children's laughter. Nothing new. Just thousands of years of the same.

Now, all of that sadness about death assumes that this place is the Best Place. What if your friend Jay was closer to the mark than you realize? What if this is just a teaching ground? What if this is the Hard Place, the place to Learn Lessons, the place to grow your soul? What if the Best Place is when we die and we get to go back there? What if that is Home and this is the Not Home place? You are assuming that death is a bad thing, rather than the means of returning home.

I think that The Other Side is home and this is the place where we get to test our souls. We plan for it on The Other Side. Decide what we want to learn and then we are born here to do it. Dying is going Home. The thing we always forget when we are there (Heaven or The Other Side) is how hard it is here being disconnected from God and total love and total peace and total understanding. When you are plugged into that, you forget what it is like to be unplugged, like we are now.

I know that you are sad for friends who are now gone. Family who have crossed over. If you can assure yourself that the sadness is all yours, that they are Home and you will see them all again, does that make it better? Does it help to know that there is Home and here is not?

I hope that your abuela comes through this just fine. It is such a sad thing when loved ones leave us. If she doesn't, she will be welcomed with open arms by all of the other members of her family who have already crossed over. As sad as she will be to leave you, she will be so happy to see THEM. And so it will be for you, when your day comes. And mine. And all of us.

This is not a sad or morbid post. This is a Life post. A person decides to truly live life when they UNDERSTAND that it is limited. If it went on forever, we would have no appreciation for it whatsoever.

((Hugs))

BTW, I dedicated something to you on the Thursday post. Hope you like it:)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Sending hope and healing to your grandmother, Yvonne. That is scary, especially because she's 90.

Keep faith,
xoRobyn

Yvonne said...

All- thank you so much for your prayers and/or encouraging words. I really appreciate it! My grandmother made it through the surgery and was doing really well, until today. She had a stroke this morning, is back in ICU and for now, we wait. The doctors are monitoring and trying to figure out their next move. Keep your positive energy and thoughts coming, she needs them.

Again, thank you for your kindness.
xoxo

Robin said...

I saw your update on your grandmother. I hope that she continues to do well. ((hugs))

I also wanted to let you know that I dedicated something to you on the Thursday post. Hope you like it:)

Yvonne said...

Robin- thank you so much! my grandmother's almost completely healed!!! i've not been writing or reading any posts lately, too much on my mind, but i'll be back soon and visit your blog. :)