Sunday, March 11, 2012

"him"


I can’t keep doing this to myself, and yet, I do.
This self-infliction of pain that I keep causing myself is getting old.
It’s gotten so bad that it doesn’t even hurt anymore,
the wounds that I keep pouring salt over,
are now numb.
What is it about that one door in your life that you know you have to close, but trick yourself into keeping it open just enough, so that it is not completely shut.
Maybe it’s because I’m hoping that our story isn’t really over.
Maybe it’s because I am subconsciously hoping that the outcome will be different. 
When in reality, I know that it won’t be.
Maybe it’s because I’m just a masochist who loves to suffer.
Or, maybe it’s because loving someone engulfs my entire being, and letting them go, would mean it would be over.  Even though I know it’s been over for a very long time.
Or maybe, it’s just this gloomy weather.   
It turns me into a big lump of sappiness and full of melancholy.  
Stupid rain.

7 comments:

Random Girl said...

There's always that one, isn't there??? I feel ya girl!

Althea said...

Beautiful! I know how you feel x

Robin said...

I have another friend who is drowning in this same pool of misery. Why do we do this to ourselves????

Ruth said...

Been there and it sucks.

Yvonne said...

RG- yep. he may go away physically, but the memories linger always.

Althea- I think everyone has that one person in their lives.

Robin- ha! i told you, we're masochists! :)

Ruth- it certainly does!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

There is always one... You love deeply and truly so of course it is hard to let that end.
Don't really have advice for you that's really all that new, just that maybe you could spend some time with a new hobby, a new diversion... not sure. Hope it gets easier soon.

Yvonne said...

YRJ- Thanks! I'm good. It's just he creeps up on me every now and again.