Thursday, January 12, 2012

sometimes i amaze myself -no really, i do.

The new year is twelve days old.  Almost two weeks.  How many New Year's resolutions have been broken already?  Heh.  Suckers.  What? I didn't make any resolutions this year.  I made lists remember?  No?  Just take my word for it. 

So the words "closure" and "epiphany" have been on my mind a lot the past few days.  Recently,  I was starting to feel mopey and weepy about someone that I cared for very much.  This someone is no longer in my life.  But instead of giving in to the sadness and the tears, as I normally do.  This time, I stopped myself.  I reminded myself that doing that was "sooo last year" and that this year, Yvonne would not succumb to her old familiar ways. -Yes I start speaking in third person when I'm lecturing myself.  I thought long and hard about the friendship that I was mourning and the reasons why.  And then I got angry. At myself.  At the idiot that shattered my soul.  At life's inopportune curve-balls.  Then it hit me.  Out of nowhere it was as if a bright and shinning light appeared over my head and lit my brain up.  I realized that I can't live on "what happened?", "whys?" or "why nots?" any longer.  The mourning period has expired.  Not just for that relationship that ended, but for all the other bullshit that took hold of my life last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.  It's a new year, with a clean slate.  What's done is done and what happened, happened.  Move on.  And just like that, my heart felt lighter and my soul felt happy.  -I don't even know if  that makes any sense to any of you.  But it's truly how I felt.  Still feel.  Just today, I heard a song on the radio (yes I'm one of the few people that still listen to the car radio)   that took me to a place that was going to make me very sad.  But I immediately told myself to stop it.  I would not go back.   And I hope this frame of mind or whatever it is, continues.  I want it to continue.  Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say.  I know that stuff happens and we as humans, will go through emotions, etc.  So yeah, I'll cry from time to time or feel blue/sad/melancholy every now and then, that's a given. But what I will fight with every fiber of my being, not to do, is to "go back" to memories  and people that do not deserve an ounce of my time or my tears or any part of me.  I feel stronger and liberated and excited about what is to come my way.  And I just wanted to share that with you.  Who knows? Maybe some of you will even get what I'm saying.  -Stranger things have happened.

Now, I've a got a favor to ask all of you, if you pray, pray.  If you don't, pretend.  Worship. Voodoo dolls -whatever you want.  Just do it  and ask the powers that be, to help the Texans kick the Ravens purple ass on Sunday.  Thanks in advance!  I'll love you long time.  :)



David Batista said...

Oh man, I get exactly what you're saying! I've been going through a bit of that kind of thinking myself lately. And then someone told me something so profound, and it has helped me a lot.

She said: You have to forgive that someone or something in the past. Not for their sake, mind you, but for your own. You need to do this for the simple sake of your happiness. It doesn't mean you forget what happened, but that you forgive it and heal. Only then will you find true happiness, for the alternative is never ending sadness. And you deserve better!

It seems you have reached a threshold, Yvonne. You've stepped through, and on the other side is a much happier you who is at peace. Yay!

And guess what? I will, in fact, sacrifice that goat now in tribute to your Texans pulling out a victory. I will do this because I am such a nice guy who is willing to face the wrath of the Old Gods to do so.

And because your Texans are not facing my Giants, so all is well in the world between us. For now. :)

Belle said...

I stop myself from thinking sad thoughts too. They are a waste of time. I will not dwell on them any longer and I am happier for it. I'm glad you are doing this.

I hope the Texans win!

Anonymous said...

So,I had a couple of really bad years that started with something that I'm not going to talk about,and ended with the bankers FINALLY taking my house. I spent the first year crying,devastated,barely able to breath. Everyday was scary and sad. Finally, a few months into the 2nd year, I just said "enough! I can't do this anymore!" So I stoped crying,said "What is,is." and got back to the business of living. Now, don't get me wrong, I STILL tried to save my house, STILL tried to keep my business, still did all the things I tried to do in the middle of my trauma to try to make my situation better, BUT, I did it while saying "What is,is." I let go of the emotions,knowing that no matter what, I would be fine, because I have ME! It seems to me that you and I have pretty much taken the same course,and I am glad for feels so much better, doesn't it?
P.S. And,it's an ancient philosophy called Stoicism,btw!

Random Girl said...

That is a huge corner to turn. When you make up your mind of what you will or will not feel or tolerate any longer, the peace comes from you having made the decision mindfully. Good things will come to you from this, it's huge!! Good on you!

CWMartin said...

I make it a rule NOT to pray about sporting events, but my good wishes are with you. Always happy to see Ravens lose, and the better Texans do in playoffs, the bigger Yates-vs-Schuab QB controversy we get next year!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

What a wonderful thing for you- peace in your life. Yes, you may have setbacks but you understand what you want and deserve.
It took me having the sheriff declare that I deserve to have a peaceful life-in the middle of a serious onslaught of domestic violence from 6 family members on Christmas Day 3 years ago in order for me to get it. So you see, you have done yourself a great favor by getting this on your own. You should be proud. :)

Yvonne said...

David- You're so crazy! I cracked up laughing so hard when I read your comment about the goat! And I thank you, we need all the help we can get! So yes, you and I are peace, for now. muahahaha! As for my post, you totally got it! That's exactly what I meant. It's so true what your friend told you. It's essential to forgive in order for us to go forward and be successful within ourselves. It's not an easy thing to do, but necessary to heal.

Belle- it works doesn't it? And it's liberating! I'm glad it's working for you too!

Blatherbabe- thanks for dropping by and for your comment. you see? out of chaos and despair, comes strength and hope. at least, that's how i see it. glad you are faring much better now! :)

RG- thank you! i totally feel a sense of liberation and freedom that i did not feel before. it's a great feeling!

CW Martin- Here's to a big win on Sunday! :)

YRJ- Wow, I'm so glad you removed yourself from that situation and are better for it now.

The Frisky Virgin said...

Completely understand. It's an amazing feeling, almost life altering, really.

Life's too damn short to constantly think about the why's and what if's. My dad taught me from a very young age that "what if" is the most dangerous phrase in the entire world. He was right.

And, man, did I try to pull those Texans in. Louisiana and Texas football have had really bad weeks. Since my family is both Texas and Louisiana, split, it's been a rough, rough couple of weeks.