Sunday, January 15, 2012
What kind of person lets themselves be used? Knowingly and willingly? I used to say I was in love with him. As if that would somehow make it all right. I know now, that that was not love. Sure, I was attracted to him, still am, and I genuinely care for him very much, but it's not love. Infatuation? Most definitely! Borderline obsession? Possibly. Sigh, I used to tell myself, convince myself even, that it was better to have him for "a little while" than not at all. I knew what I was doing, I knew what he was doing and yet, I didn't stop him and I didn't stop myself. Had I never developed feelings for him, then I would not be in this state. But I did, and so here I am. This pattern of self-destruction, of self-imposed masochism, went on for longer than it should have ever gone. How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? -Not a lot obviously! It's just that I lost all self-control whenever he came around. It was almost hypnotic. Literally, I would go weak at the knees and get so giddy I was beside myself! I'm still working on getting him out of my system. But it's so freaking hard! It is a constant battle with myself! Some days are harder than others. Mostly, I'm fine. As long as I don't hear from him. But the minute I do, I'm puddy in his hands. What bothers me the most is how I could think so little of myself and let what happened, happen, over and over again. I never want to feel that way again, ever. I never want to be used or be someone's second choice -ever again. And I won't be. Because I realized that I am worth so much more and deserve someone that deserves me. I decided to out myself and write all this down in hopes of easing the enormous void I feel inside. Perhaps give me answers as to why I would accept this behavior towards me. I have shed my last tear for this man. My LAST one!
I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery and working out the issues that shadow my life at the moment. Baby steps, that's what my dear friend Carla tells me. Indeed baby-steps. Long road ahead to better things, but I will get there and it will all be worth it! To paraphrase what Carla so eloquently used to tell me when she was training me at the gym, "I GOT this!"
I originally wrote this on August 10, 2010. I was an emotional mess back then. Reading this two years later, I don't even recognize that person that I write about. I am so much stronger and in a "happy" place now. Sigh, what a breakthrough!!! I want to jump up and down screaming "I did it!" -a la Rocky Balboa style. Too bad it's 1:00 a.m. and if I did that, my neighbors would freak out on me. So maybe I'll just whisper it instead. :)