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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

on being single during the holidays

Well it's happened.  The anxiety of being alone during the holidays has laid claim on my chest.  I can feel it every time I take a breath.  That tightness and overwhelming feeling of anxiousness that overcomes me like clockwork, every December.  Something about seeing them, you know, the "couples"  parading around.  Doing what couples do, sometimes alone and sometimes with other couples.  I ventured out to lunch last weekend by myself.  No big deal.  I do that often.  But this time, as I sat at my table for one, I glanced around and saw nothing but people paired off.  Old, young, heterosexual, homosexual, hell, I even saw dogs paired off.  No joke!  And then there was me.  Alone.  Reading my book, enjoying my lunch.  Even walking through the mall I noticed them.  Holding hands, exchanging glances, kisses, shopping for gifts and what not.  When I went to get my tree last weekend, I  remember seeing a couple, newlyweds.  They were buying their first Christmas tree together.  They were so cute! I secretly envied them.  I know, I know, totally wrong.  You see, normally  stuff like that rolls off my shoulders.  I don't have time to let it bother me.  But this time of year, well, it's different.  I don't know, maybe I'm the only single person who feels this way, maybe there are others.  It is what it is, I get that, truly I do.  But just once, I'd like to have someone at Christmas time, on New Year's Eve and not be "party of one".  I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time.  Friends and family alike, tell me I'm too picky.  Maybe.  But I deserve what I want.  And I am not settling for anything less.  Still, I conjure pictures of me and "my" guy all the time.  Sometimes he has dark hair, sometimes, light.  Sometimes, he's a lawyer, sometimes a teacher, even a writer.  The face is always fuzzy.  But I 'll know him, when I find him.  Anyway,  I'm not bashing being single.  I rather enjoy it.  I love the freedom I have to come and go as I please, at a moment's notice, without having to consider anyone else's feelings.  I love my independence.  But it gets lonely sometimes.  A lot of times actually.  The holiday season just exacerbates these feelings.  I suppose it is also because I am one of the lone remaining survivors of  this dying breed -Single and female.  At least in my family and in my circle of friends.

So what does a single woman do to get out of this "rut" that wants to overtake her usual, happy, go-lucky self?  Well, I light candles and pray to all the saints try to maintain an active social life.  I've never met a stranger.  I call on my friends and if they're not available, I venture out on my own.  It's funny because when I was much younger, you would never catch me eating alone, much less going to a movie alone. What would people think??? Yeah well, I could care less what people think now.  I also do the usual things to keep active, gym, volunteer, drink wine -because wine fixes everything, don't you know? 

I suppose the same could be said for single men.  But I'm not entirely convinced on this.  I mean, I think it's totally different for them.  Being a single man at any time, usually means they're on the "prowl" or they're "cool" because they're single and not "tied down"  At least that's what some of my single guy friends say.  Again, I don't have a clue.  I'm totally winging it here.

Hmm, lots to ponder here right?  So this is what was on my mind tonight.  I feel slightly better because I shared it with you.

That's all I got tonight bloggies.  I'm off to write my letter to Santa, if I send it tomorrow, I'm pretty sure it will reach the North Pole in time. Wish me luck!

12 comments:

Belle said...

Before I married my second husband, I was terribly lonely. I used to look at couples at church and sometimes cry. I hope this year brings you true love, Yvonne.

Underground Dude said...

This time of year does tend to bring feelings of lament mixed in with all the jubilant holiday cheer. It's interesting at best. Here's to being comfortable in solitude, but open to that "someone" finding their way into your life :)

Average Girl said...

oh lovely Yvonne... I know that feeling, prior to my better half... use to drive me crazy, I always felt like the token friend that got invited to all the bloody couple parties... but you know what, one of my friends secretly confessed to me one day about how much she envied me, my freedom, my do as I please, my come as I please, my buy myself whatever I please kinda life... And as much as I love James, I would not trade that time, that fabulous relationship with myself ever! PS don't settle darlin, i never did, and those amazing guys, they are out there, he is there somewhere when you are ready!

Kelley said...

I hear you, Yvonne. I know that there are times like you described where you really get down about it and other times when you are okay. A good friend of mine is 41 and single. Your post reminded me of her. She lives here in Houston right now, too. Maybe I will write to Santa for you both that your guys will make their appearance this Christmas. :)

Yvonne said...

Belle- Aww, thanks sweets! I hope so too...

UD- Indeed!

AG- thank you! I hope so!

Kelley- my mom would totally worship the ground you walked on if Santa comes through. Thanks! ;)

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Keep your chin up, girl. I know you do most of the time, but I value what you share here as well. I think it is always easy to see the greener grass. Just keep up with your carefree attitude and the right one will find YOU. :)

Yvonne said...

YRJ- thanks! that means a lot to me. :)

Miley said...

oooohhhh, I can COMPLETELY relate to this! I have kids but they are often with their dad on Christmas. I've had to get my kids to get me into the spirit because even though I have THEM, I see the SAME STINKIN THING you see! People paired off left and right, people buying squishy gooshy gifts for one another, all kinds of things. When I had a boyfriend a few years ago, I couldn't exactly expect him to be with me because he had children as well and I wanted to respect that. So, I spent Christmas Eve of 2009 alone... and that's when I started blogging.
It's okay to fuss and vent a little bit. I would rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable.
Of course, I would rather be with someone that I love intensely than be alone ;)

The Frisky Virgin said...

It is difficult, truly difficult, but I think it helps to get lost in the spirit of the season.

The fuzzy face dream guy! I get that too! I can't see his face, but he's very real, very present, yet I can't see him. Wow, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who experiences that!

I hate when people say I'm too picky. If wanting someone faithful, honest, and true is picky, then so be it.

Here's to not settling, my dear friend!

Yvonne said...

Miley- thanks for dropping by! I'm glad I'm not alone on this! Keep your chin up! :)

FV- Here! Here!

The Girl From Back Then said...

Single can sure be a lonely place. I think it's actually kind of cool you go out to eat alone :)

Yvonne said...

Indeed it can! Ha! I never use to do it before but now I do everything alone, it seems!