Monday, November 14, 2011

my "monster" and me -an update of sorts

November is two weeks old today.  The holidays are right around the corner and soon, the world will once again, grow a year older.  Time is literally flying by.  What's up guys?  How was the weekend? Share with me. 

As for me, when last we met, I got all emotional and had a "wah" moment.  I wrote about how the "monster"  aka "depression", was back and how I was afraid that I was falling deeper and deeper into that "black hole" that has become more and more difficult for me to climb out of lately.  Writing about what I'm feeling or going through emotionally, helps me more than you can ever know.  But I understand if you are put off by it.  The "morose" world is not for everyone. Heh.   At any rate, I'm taking steps to help me cope with this latest "episode" of mine.  But as with everything, it takes time.  I wish it didn't.  I wish "recovery" was instantaneous.  How great would that be?  Sigh, yeah, it's a nice thought anyway.   Over the weekend, I had someone tell me, "You don't look depressed."  I was a little taken aback.  He caught me off-guard.  But I told him that just because I wasn't laying in bed, under the covers, in the dark, didn't mean I wasn't sad or depressed or sick.  He told me I just needed to get laid.  Good lord, why is that MAN's  cure all for everything???  As if that would solve all of my problems.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it would be incredible wouldn't it?  "Feeling under the weather? Have a little sex".  "Stressed about work?  Go have sex!" Ha.  If only life were that easy guys.  Men are so silly!   I understand that some people, ok, a lot of people, cannot understand that being depressed is an illness.  It's not something that we can just "get over" or "snap out of."  Again, wishful thinking.  And I hate that I have to defend how I'm feeling.  I mean, I can be smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside I'm falling apart.  I don't know how to explain it so you will understand.  Then there are times when I am so dark and just very sad.  Those are the times when I don't get out of bed.  When I have to literally make myself get up, or brush my teeth.  When it takes every ounce of energy that I can find, just to will myself to open my eyes.  That's what most do not see.  Sure, I have my crying spells too.  It's sounds weird I know. But it is what it is.  You know, I have good days, good months and even years, and then I have bad days that last forever -to me at least.  I don't have an agenda.  I can't predict when the "monster" will show up.  I can only try with every fiber of my being to fight it and battle it, so it doesn't take over my life.  Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.  Right now, I'm losing, but I know that it's only temporary.  Better days are ahead for me.  Bleh! So serious on a Monday! What's the matter with me??  At any rate, thanks for allowing to share this with you.  I promise it won't always be so glum.

That's it bloggies. That's all I have today.

You know the drill, new week, new possibilities. Make it happen!


Belle said...

Winston Churchill used to call his depressions the "black dog". He got them off and on during his life. Monster is a good name too!

It would be lovely if it could be cured instantly, but as you know it doesn't work that way. My own therapist once said to me, "You don't look depressed." I said, "I feel like I am shattered into a million pieces." I think most people cover up their feelings pretty well. God bless, and I hope you get the help you need and get better soon. Hugs.

The Frisky Virgin said...

Only a man can recommend sex as a cure-all. lol

What you say makes all the sense in the world. And we're here for you. *Hugs* said...

Yvonne, more people understand this monster than you know. I've been dealing with the beast all my life too. Thanks for your courage in sharing this. We love you.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I must admit depression has always scared me. Dealing with my mothers and other family members depression and other more serious issues growing up and always worrying if/when it might happen to me.
Although I am pretty sure it won't at this point I never feel totally free of worrying about it. I cannot imagine how it must be to be affected yourself, but I do appreciate your openness and honesty. So much better than hiding out and staying ill. Those you love can be there for you and not feel totally helpless if you stay open to them.

David Batista said...

It's not that sex is a man's cure-all, but that depression is hard to understand for those who do not suffer from it. To them, it seems like you're just having a "bad day." What's wrong with you? Wake up and have some fun! And for a non-depressed man, sex is better than . . . well, sex! :)

But I've been around friends and family who suffer from true depression, and I know it's not just another bad hair day or something that goes away once you take a shower and have that cup of coffee for the day. It lingers with you like a heavy shadow all day long, for days on end. It's a bastard mongrel nipping at your heels. It's a burden you cannot unload . . .

I feel for you, Yvonne. I hope you get the help you need.

Yvonne said...

Belle- Wow your therapist actually said that? I'm feeling better, thanks. And keep praying for my friend. I appreciate it!

FV- Hahaha! I know, men are dumb! Thanks for your thoughtfulness!

RR- :) I appreciate it!

YRJ- What I'm learning about this whole ordeal is how there are so many people that have to deal with this. Some in silence. I'm grateful I can voice my angst here and with my inner circle.

David- Thanks for your continued support. I am amazed by how this affects everyone in so many different ways.