Saturday, October 29, 2011

somewhere over the rainbow...

overwhelming sadness
desperate thoughts and worries
lost hope
when will this merry-go round of troubles end?
stop! i want to get off...

it's always been my nature to want to help others.  no questions asked, just help.  it's how i am and always will be. unfortunately, some people take advantage of your kindness and/or mistake your random acts as carte blanc to use you.  i'm just really, really tired. my emotional state is all over the place.

 i am losing myself in other people's problems.  ignoring my own. how do i stop?  if i don't help, i feel like an ass.  as if i am turning my back on people i care for very much. but if i continue as i have been, i will go crazy. i feel as if i'm being pulled in a thousand directions.  while i mastered the art of masking my feelings pretty well, lately i've become pretty transparent and not able to fool anyone.  it's affecting other areas of my life.  areas that need my undivided attention.  i miss r.  i miss my friend very much.  not having him in my life leaves a void.  and yet, i can't get past the hurt and dissullusionment and what transpired to get us where were are today. bleh!  damn it for being a nice person!

and i can't stop crying.  the tears are automatic.  even my writing, it's like a person with a.d.d. on crack!
i'm all over the place -more-so than usual. heh.  oh well, at least my weird sense of humor is still intact.  all is not lost.

i want to run away.  i want to disappear.
overwhelming sadness engulfs my entire being
and yet, i know deep in my heart, that something's got to give and everything will be alright.  the people that are lost and struggling, they will be fine. and me, the person that loves them with all my heart and worries for them as if they were my children, will be alright.  because i have to be.

-this emotional meltdown was brought to you courtesy of "lack of sleep"

happy saturday!


Ruth said...

You have to take care of you first. Which is easier said than done.
Saying no is the first step. And not wavering.
It is so much easier to just keep things the same or give in. But, it isn't always the best way.
Now, take care of you.

David Batista said...

Yes, you need to walk away and take care of yourself first. The others in your life will still be there when you get back, if they are not actively helping you heal in the first place.

Sometimes you just have to give your friends space. If they are true friends, they'll welcome you back without even mentioning it when you're ready.

Hang in there! :)

Belle said...

I feel so bad for you. Ruth and David are right. You do need to take care of yourself. It is possible to have a breakdown when none of your needs are being met and you give and give. Also, if people all around you are in pain and going through hard times this can overwhelm you.

Is there anything concrete you can do to change the situation? Are you still seeing a counselor? Can they give you advice on this? I hope you find a solution and feel better soon.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

The other comments here are so right on. Up until the last few years, I could have written a post very much like this- way too often.
It is so hard when our world becomes so overwhelming and yet so freeing and beautiful when we discover that we cannot save everyone and are not responsible for doing so. Once you have given a reasonable amount of love and help to those you care for in any form that you can, you have done enough.
Do you know of Codependents anonymous? It is an amazing program in all its simplicity. Many of us who have grown up in certain circumstances or gone through other trauma have benefited immeasurably from it.

Don said...

The most important person in anyone's life is THEM, or in this case, YOU. If you are not happy it's almost impossible to help make others happy.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–82

reeflightning said...

there are times we need someone to lean on. "this too shall pass"
major HUGS! (())

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you could use some "you" time. Just hit pause on everyone else's problems for a while. Validate your own emotions and issues. Sleep. Write. Drink some chai tea, red wine, or whatever works for you (I prefer Mountain Dew, because I'm still 15 at heart) and come back to everyone else when YOU are ready.

Hang in there! :)

Yvonne said...

Thanks everyone! I know what I have to do, it's just getting to that part that is difficult for me to do. But I hear your messages loud and clear! You are all the best!!! Oh and Belle, I stopped seeing the therapist over a year ago, but it's time to go back...

The Frisky Virgin said...

"unfortunately, some people take advantage of your kindness and/or mistake your random acts as carte blanc to use you."

You hit the nail on the head, there. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, sweetie.

What I hate is still wanting to be kind and help people, even though they act like giant jerks. And when I do take a stand, I hate the guilt that comes with it. Why? Why do we feel guilt when we haven't done anything wrong--when all we've done is want to be there for people and be their friend?

It's unnerving and feels like a constant tug of war between our heart, mind, and soul.

You do need to focus on your needs, even though it's terribly difficult to do. *Hugs*

Yvonne said...

FV- Exactly! In this case, it's not only friends, it's family too. So it makes this doubly hard for me. Thanks for your response.