Sunday, July 10, 2011
On Being Nice
Recently, it was brought to my attention that sometimes, I am just too nice. Hmm, perhaps. See, the thing is, I am a nice person, period. So it's not in my nature to be a "bitch" as one of my friends suggested I become. Don't get me wrong, I can be one when I'm pushed over the edge, no doubt about that. But for the most part, I'm pretty laid-back and yeah, I go out of my way to help others when I can. I never expect anything in return. I often over-extend myself because of this, but I don't see it as some type of character flaw. My friends however, beg to differ with me. The whole reason why they decided to point this out to me is because of a situation that I found myself in recently. I helped someone, bent over backwards for them, literally gave them the shirt off my back, and in the end, I got burned. This is not the first time I've gotten burned either, no, I seem to be a masochist in this respect. It's just in my nature to want to help, to want to fix things. To feel needed. This behavior transcends into my "relationships" as well, with my friends, with my family and with my relationships, platonic or not. I'll give you an example. There once was a man named *Joe in my life. I was in my early thirties when I met him. We met on a blind date. He was newly divorced. (I know, I know, that should have been my first sign to run the other way) I was crazy in love with this guy. Crazy. There was nothing I would not do for him. He knew my feelings for him, he did not feel the same. We became friends instead. We never fooled around or anything like that. Our relationship was strictly platonic. He kept me in his life because he needed me. I became his legal consultant regarding questions about his divorce, his custody of his son, I helped him financially, I even set him up with some of my friends, in essence, he used me and I let him. Why? I guess because I thought that the more I did for him, the more he would see what a great person I was and suddenly that would make him love me. Insane isn't it??? Ugh, we all do things we're not proud of in our lives. I'm embarrassed to even admit this part of my life. I call them the "Dark Years". Thankfully, one day, I woke up and was angry. At myself, at him, at the time I wasted on this idiot! So I cleaned house and took back control of my life. That relationship did not end nicely. I ended up taking him to small claims court for the money he owed me. (I won) Word to the wise, always draw up a promissory note when lending money or for any act that involves any type of loan, financial or not. And always keep a copy of said signed document. I may do stupid things, but I'm not stupid. So lesson learned. Unfortunately, this "stigma" of being too nice still defines me. There is a guy that I've mentioned before on this blog, that I refer to as "Him" Once, when he was leaving my apartment, he looked at me and said, "You're so nice..." he said it as if he was just learning that fact about me. Or perhaps because he was surprised that I didn't tell him off for being such a jerk. Sigh, maybe my friends are right after all. Maybe the inner bitch in me should be released. The thing is, I don't like myself when I am like that. Unless, of course, you deserve it. I'm getting better though. The whole reason I started this blog again, was to face my demons and my failures and my fears. In these past eleven months, I've almost come full circle. Almost. I'm still learning things about myself, I'm still working towards becoming a better version of myself. And I'm still nice. I guess that part of me will never change. It is what it is.