Sunday, July 17, 2011

just your normal sunday night thoughts, or not.

I've been doing a lot of contemplating the past couple of months.  A LOT.  Turning 45 in a few months is taking a toll on me. It's really bugging me! And as much as I say that "age is just a number" and "you're only as old as you feel" ---I can't help but keep freaking out about this!  Why?  Could it be that I'm actually starting to feel old? Nah! I'm too cute for that!  More than the "numbers" though, it's the worry about accomplishments that taunts me the most.  Accomplishments.  I'm harder on myself than anyone else.  I am my own worst critic.  I start questioning my life, my decisions, my lack of judgment, my "hits and misses"  At the start of the new year, I vowed to make changes, I vowed to make a difference, I vowed this year, this year, would be different.  And in many ways, it has been.  But not enough. Not nearly enough.  So as this seventh month of the year moves along, I am again vowing to keep going, to keep moving, and to keep true to the promises I made to myself.  This getting older crap, sucks!  Yeah, I know, the alternative would be much worse.  But I'm licking my wounds here, let me have that.  I keep wondering if I would feel the same way if  I were married and had children.  Would the feelings of angst be lessened?  I dunno.  Maybe.  I just feel like I'm missing something. I don't know what it is, but it's something not within my grasp yet.  And I'm not necessarily speaking of a relationship with someone.  Sure, I'd love to find someone and have this incredible love affair, but really, for me, it's more of a self-fulfillment that is missing. Does that make sense?  It's something that I am craving, that I can almost taste, and no matter how much I look for it or try and figure out what "it" is, I can't figure it out.  Sigh,  this is too heavy to deal with on a Sunday night.   Ugh! I need to go to the gym in the morning instead of the evening tomorrow! I need to work-out all of this insanity brewing in my head and beat something up! 

Alright.  Enough.

Tomorrow is another day and all that.


Robin said...

I think that we all need meaning or purpose. For some people, raising children is their purpose. For others, it is not. But to just float aimlessly along is horrible. I think that is what you are talking about. It is easier to accept when you are younger because you think, "I will figure this out when I am older." When you are older... well, if you haven't figured it out it is pretty darn frustrating. The truth is within you. And that is your answer. If you want to know what will give your life meaning, look within.

Underground Dude said...

Sometimes we spend our lives searching for "it", and sometimes "it" has been right in front of us all along.

That was my attempt at being profound and pithy ;-)

Kelley said...

That is not an easy feeling! I know what you mean. The fact that you can express these feelings makes me think that it won't be long before you won't have them as often anymore. You are a great writer and fulfill us with your words. Does that count for something? :)

Oilfield Trash said...

It seems like just yesterday that you turned 40.

Belle said...

I think you are going through mid-life crisis. I felt a bit like that when my kids grew up and I looked around and there was nothing but me!

myjoyproject said...

What ever "it" may be, keep writing through "it."

And yes, tomorrow is indeed another day.


Average Girl said...

I am 43 and feel the same way Yvonne constantly... I am always searching for that missing link that I think will fulfill whatever it is that I seem to need!

You are not alone darlin! said...

I just have empathy and virtual hugs to offer you, girlfriend.
xoRobyn at fabulous 45

Yvonne said...

Robin - That's exactly what I meant! I feel like I'm just floating around, aimlessly.

UD- lol, I appreciate the attempt. True, sometimes what we seek has been in front of us all along, hopefully, for me, It will be that obvious.

Kelley- Aww, thanks for the compliments! And yes, it helped a lot!!! :)

OT- hahaha, I know right???

Belle- Ugh! "Mid-life crisis" Whatever it is, it needs to stop! lol I no likee!

Kelly- Thanks doll! I intend to do just that!

AG- THANK GOODNESS! I feel better knowing I have company! :)

Robyn- Thank you mam! I'll take it! :)

The Frisky Virgin said...

This makes absolute sense, sweetie. I think we all feel that way, and, not to sound pessimistic, but I'm not entirely convinced we ever really lose that feeling. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing because, in a way, it always gives us something to strive for.

Think of it like this: If everything fell into place, I think we'd get really, really bored. lol

Yvonne said...

FV-I like your spin on it! Thank you doll!