I've been doing a lot of contemplating the past couple of months. A LOT. Turning 45 in a few months is taking a toll on me. It's really bugging me! And as much as I say that "age is just a number" and "you're only as old as you feel" ---I can't help but keep freaking out about this! Why? Could it be that I'm actually starting to feel old? Nah! I'm too cute for that! More than the "numbers" though, it's the worry about accomplishments that taunts me the most. Accomplishments. I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I am my own worst critic. I start questioning my life, my decisions, my lack of judgment, my "hits and misses" At the start of the new year, I vowed to make changes, I vowed to make a difference, I vowed this year, this year, would be different. And in many ways, it has been. But not enough. Not nearly enough. So as this seventh month of the year moves along, I am again vowing to keep going, to keep moving, and to keep true to the promises I made to myself. This getting older crap, sucks! Yeah, I know, the alternative would be much worse. But I'm licking my wounds here, let me have that. I keep wondering if I would feel the same way if I were married and had children. Would the feelings of angst be lessened? I dunno. Maybe. I just feel like I'm missing something. I don't know what it is, but it's something not within my grasp yet. And I'm not necessarily speaking of a relationship with someone. Sure, I'd love to find someone and have this incredible love affair, but really, for me, it's more of a self-fulfillment that is missing. Does that make sense? It's something that I am craving, that I can almost taste, and no matter how much I look for it or try and figure out what "it" is, I can't figure it out. Sigh, this is too heavy to deal with on a Sunday night. Ugh! I need to go to the gym in the morning instead of the evening tomorrow! I need to work-out all of this insanity brewing in my head and beat something up!
Tomorrow is another day and all that.